Reading Excuses - 8.8.16 Heir - Ch 11 Heir - Spieles - 2,042 words (light S, V)

[spieles]

We left off with: “Where is your mask?”

This chapter is yet another revision that I'm punching out based on my massive editing list - so @Kaisa, you have not seen it. Ideally the tension should be going up and up....! 

 

All edits are lovely and welcome. 

 

Uh, I still owe some people edits. On a personal side note, I'm dealing with some pregnancy insomnia and trying to get this "book" baby done before the other one decides to show himself. I also want to add that if I disappear suddenly in the next few weeks, it's for a pretty good reason.  

[Mandamon]

Good luck with the baby!  Hope everything goes well.

Not a lot of comments.  From what I recall, the tension is higher, and I like the new (?) sparring match.  There was less on the social differences, which I think worked better.

 

pg 1: "two guards in City Security uniforms rush down the steps. "
--There was a qestion about security showing up in the last chapter.  Was there a change, or did these guys pop up from somewhere?  I have the same question as
Hayden - "Where were you?"

pg 1: "Lahey grabs my jaw. "
--Uh, no.  I would knock his lights out and what I've seen of Oz so far, I think he would too.

pg 2: "Lahey’s face flushes. “Our third called out sick, and Brides tryouts are tomorrow. We had our hands full—”"
--Still not totally convinced.

pg 3: "That’s just awesome coming from someone who’s supposed to be Hayden’s parent."
--yep.  Pretty harsh.  I don't think we've learned much about that relationship yet?

pg 3: “He tried to strangle me.”
--You said you were changing the Rex from conditioned killers to more Darwinist survivalists.  So does Calgary trying to strangle his son fit with that image?

pg 6: "I’ll be able to hear you, you know.”
--with the wrestling match, this brings a whole new light to this scene...
 

[kais]

Good luck with the sleep thing! I remember those days in a not very fond light, but you do get a neat baby for all your effort, which helps.  

Overall

This does a lot for the Oz/Pascal ship, and gives us more a flavor for Oz as an adolescent male. I like it as an interlude, with some comments as noted below. I'm still going back and forth on your inclusion of direct discussion of Oz's father as a potential rex to be fought. That was a great surprise the first time I went through this, and I think it might not be as striking this time, unless you change that upcoming chapter.

 

As I go

- page 2: Dion and Oz seem to get off very easily for how much blowback happened on page one. Why does Krieger go from scary to 'pat pat they're just youth' so quickly?

- page 3: Hm. Laying out the possibility that Oz might fight his father will take away from the awesome shock of just having that dropped on the reader's lap. Unsure how I feel about this change.

- page 4: you have a typo 'whenWI'

- page 4: how is Pascal's waist smaller than a year ago?? Is this implying she's lost a ton of weight?

- I think you could land a better end line, noting the second to last line leading up to it.

 

ETA: I didn't do LBLs on this, because it was new, but am happy to go back and do so if it would be helpful. Just let me know!

Edited August 10, 2016 by kaisa

[spieles]

On 8/9/2016 at 9:31 AM, Mandamon said:

Good luck with the baby!  Hope everything goes well.

Not a lot of comments.  From what I recall, the tension is higher, and I like the new (?) sparring match.  There was less on the social differences, which I think worked better.

pg 1: "two guards in City Security uniforms rush down the steps. "
--There was a question about security showing up in the last chapter.  Was there a change, or did these guys pop up from somewhere?  I have the same question as
Hayden - "Where were you?" Yeah. I'm still debating if Dion should hack a feed or something - or if there's a better way to explain this. Hrm.

pg 1: "Lahey grabs my jaw. "
--Uh, no.  I would knock his lights out and what I've seen of Oz so far, I think he would too. This is a good point. I was quite obsessed with making Lahey loathsome, but yeah, Oz is probably taller than him. So I'll redo this bit.

pg 2: "Lahey’s face flushes. “Our third called out sick, and Brides tryouts are tomorrow. We had our hands full—”"
--Still not totally convinced. 

pg 3: "That’s just awesome coming from someone who’s supposed to be Hayden’s parent."
--yep.  Pretty harsh.  I don't think we've learned much about that relationship yet? Yeah, it's been pointed out to me that I need a scene where Midge is awful to Hayden and the reader experiences it firsthand.

pg 3: “He tried to strangle me.”
--You said you were changing the Rex from conditioned killers to more Darwinist survivalists.  So does Calgary trying to strangle his son fit with that image? I might need to have Hayden define this more in this next chapter. The Rex, when going through metamorphosis, experience a psychotic break of sorts. A fundamental shift in personality follows afterwards. 

pg 6: "I’ll be able to hear you, you know.”
--with the wrestling match, this brings a whole new light to this scene... He he he Thank you so much for reading.
 

 

[spieles]

10 hours ago, kaisa said:

Good luck with the sleep thing! I remember those days in a not very fond light, but you do get a neat baby for all your effort, which helps.  

Overall

This does a lot for the Oz/Pascal ship, and gives us more a flavor for Oz as an adolescent male. I like it as an interlude, with some comments as noted below. I'm still going back and forth on your inclusion of direct discussion of Oz's father as a potential rex to be fought. That was a great surprise the first time I went through this, and I think it might not be as striking this time, unless you change that upcoming chapter.

 

As I go

- page 2: Dion and Oz seem to get off very easily for how much blowback happened on page one. Why does Krieger go from scary to 'pat pat they're just youth' so quickly? Hrm. This is more subtle. I'm trying to Krieger much more likable in this version. Of course, there is so much going on under the surface. Unspoken between Dion and Krieger is the identity of John Calgary - and of course, Oz meeting Rex!Calgary in the worst way possible couldn't fit her agenda better if she tried. I might want to seed in some additional tension between Midge and Krieger here, though. Have to ponder this one...

- page 3: Hm. Laying out the possibility that Oz might fight his father will take away from the awesome shock of just having that dropped on the reader's lap. Unsure how I feel about this change. By his father, I'm assuming you mean Calgary. Yeah, Oz is not going to fight Calgary. That got cut and moved to the courtyard scene.

- page 4: you have a typo 'whenWI' <3

- page 4: how is Pascal's waist smaller than a year ago?? Is this implying she's lost a ton of weight? This is way beyond basic training, dude. She's been training to be a Bride for a year. She probably has lost fat off her waist, though I'd say that she's gained  in her thighs, lats, butt, and chest. She was fit before, but now I see her as being ripped on a whole new level. Maybe I should throw in a line about Oz wondering about her training, though....

- I think you could land a better end line, noting the second to last line leading up to it. Cool.

ETA: I didn't do LBLs on this, because it was new, but am happy to go back and do so if it would be helpful. Just let me know! Thank you for reading!

 

[Robinski]

On 09/08/2016 at 3:21 AM, spieles said:

if I disappear suddenly in the next few weeks, it's for a pretty good reason

Hey, best of everything with the impending. I hope your offspring gives you an easy time of it

[Robinski]

Various details bugged me in this submission. I got properly confused at encountering the first meeting of Oz and Aunt Liz, but my real problem was the dismissive attitude of both Oz and Pascal to the loss of Calgary. I can only imagine that becoming a Rex is even worse than death, because the ‘person’ is still standing there – it must be so disturbing, heartrending, and yet they breeze of into a sparring session without a second thought. I did not like that at all. ‘Being sad sucks’ is a horribly trite line, imho. I should add that there is good stuff here, but I think some adjustments are necessary for it to be a convincing chapter.

<R>

--------------------------------------------

“but I’ve added a whole additional coating” – kinda clumsy.

“Hayden says, “who is now a Rex,” `and by her casual tone,” – This construction is awkward. Why not just start a new sentence?

“why don’t you walk Hayden home.(?)” – I'm questioning the premise for Dion breaking in, as there is no attempt by anyone here to keep him away from Hayden. Suddenly, it feels like a writerly device to put Dion and Oz together, and I think it’s revealed here as being rather weak.

“I’m still piecing together that the guy before is somehow supposed to be related to my new “repair job”” – I don’t get this. What guy, when before and what repair job?

“better a prisoner than a chimney sweep” – hmm, I think you just alienate your chimney sweep readership.

“but Calgary hated the Rex. But five minutes ago, Calgary” – this kind of repetition really bugs me.

“Pascal’s arms wrap around to opposite shoulders” – around what, at that point it could be him or herself.

“Being sad sucks. Do you want to spar?” – I found this is line horribly trite and dismissive, heartless even. My sympathy for Pascal just dropped through the floor. Am I right in saying she has lost someone too, her father? In which case she knows what this feels like to some extent.

My discomfort holds over into the next scene. I'm still thinking about Calgary. I would rather that Oz was taking his frustration out in the fight – not even on Pascal, but perhaps by being unfocused and aggressive in a way that makes him less effective. I don’t know. I don’t like what just happened. And Oz is smirking in this scene. Ugh.

“her waist is impossibly smaller than a year ago” – What does this mean exactly, Size Zero?

“It’s okay if he stays here tonight, right?” – This feels like a repetition of the scene with Pascal’s mother. But wait, “Even with her dark brown skin and stick straight hair, Elizabeth Clarington looks more like Pascal than Pascal's mother did.” – I'm confused. WRS is kicking me hard in the a*s. Does replace the earlier scene? I'm properly confused now.

“Fara missed you. She wouldn’t shut up about you, actually.” – Who’s Fara, I'm completely lost now. This is frustrating.

I had to go back and look at Chapters 0-2 to figure out who Sony was.

“Don’t forget. I’ll be able to hear you, you know.” – I think this kills the zing of the last line.

[rdpulfer]

- Lehay's lack of response to Hayden falls a bit flat. I wanted some kind of acknowledgement there.

- "That's just awesome coming from someone who's supposed to be Hayden's parent." The last part of this line falls a bit flat, like it isn't specific enough.

- Why would Pascal's aunt want Oz to call her "Liz" if she thought he'd just been arrested? It seems a bit odd she'd insist on being so formal to someone who might pose a bad influence to her niece

- I do really like this world and the characters within it. I really want to see more of it. . 

[spieles]

On 8/12/2016 at 3:10 AM, Robinski said:

Hey, best of everything with the impending. I hope your offspring gives you an easy time of it

Hah. I doubt I shall be so lucky but here's to hoping.

[spieles]

On 8/12/2016 at 3:13 AM, Robinski said:

Various details bugged me in this submission. I got properly confused at encountering the first meeting of Oz and Aunt Liz, but my real problem was the dismissive attitude of both Oz and Pascal to the loss of Calgary. I can only imagine that becoming a Rex is even worse than death, because the ‘person’ is still standing there – it must be so disturbing, heartrending, and yet they breeze of into a sparring session without a second thought. I did not like that at all. ‘Being sad sucks’ is a horribly trite line, imho. I should add that there is good stuff here, but I think some adjustments are necessary for it to be a convincing chapter.

Super super helpful thank you so much for giving feedback.

Quote

-------

“but I’ve added a whole additional coating” – kinda clumsy. Point.

“Hayden says, “who is now a Rex,” `and by her casual tone,” – This construction is awkward. Why not just start a new sentence?

“why don’t you walk Hayden home.(?)” – I'm questioning the premise for Dion breaking in, as there is no attempt by anyone here to keep him away from Hayden. Suddenly, it feels like a writerly device to put Dion and Oz together, and I think it’s revealed here as being rather weak. Yeah, there's so much going on under the surface here. Like, Dion has, as Krieger's grandson (who has a specific beef with her) knows why she's letting him get away with this, but Oz doesn't know that beef - just as Dion doesn't know why Oz - this random kid from a trading post is being given a pass. As you said, I need to reread this with fresh eyes on the issue soon.

“I’m still piecing together that the guy before is somehow supposed to be related to my new “repair job”” – I don’t get this. What guy, when before and what repair job? Ah, I think when I rewrote chapter 9 - after your all's comments - the "repair job" got included. 

“better a prisoner than a chimney sweep” – hmm, I think you just alienate your chimney sweep readership. Heh.

“but Calgary hated the Rex. But five minutes ago, Calgary” – this kind of repetition really bugs me. 

“Pascal’s arms wrap around to opposite shoulders” – around what, at that point it could be him or herself.

“Being sad sucks. Do you want to spar?” – I found this is line horribly trite and dismissive, heartless even. My sympathy for Pascal just dropped through the floor. Am I right in saying she has lost someone too, her father? In which case she knows what this feels like to some extent. Yeah, she lost her mom, but she's also not touchy feely and when that happened she did not want comfort - she just sort of shut down - and definitely shut Oz out until she left to go to Aurum and train to be a Bride. That being said, I need to convey some of this into Oz's interiority. 

My discomfort holds over into the next scene. I'm still thinking about Calgary. I would rather that Oz was taking his frustration out in the fight – not even on Pascal, but perhaps by being unfocused and aggressive in a way that makes him less effective. I don’t know. I don’t like what just happened. And Oz is smirking in this scene. Ugh. Yeah, I actually merged this with a completely separate scene where Oz and Pascal spar (that did not occur after Oz had just found out that Calgary was a Rex) and obviously some emotional inconsistencies got dragged along. Going to reread this with a better lens.

“her waist is impossibly smaller than a year ago” – What does this mean exactly, Size Zero? It's more of an hour glass effect. Hrm. Both you and Kaisa did not like this line. She's incredibly fit is the point with all her training, in addition to being curvy, which all adds up to give her a small waist. 

“It’s okay if he stays here tonight, right?” – This feels like a repetition of the scene with Pascal’s mother. But wait, “Even with her dark brown skin and stick straight hair, Elizabeth Clarington looks more like Pascal than Pascal's mother did.” – I'm confused. WRS is kicking me hard in the a*s. Does replace the earlier scene? I'm properly confused now. Yeah, Pascal's mom is dead. This is the first time we've met her aunt. Hrm. I'm wondering if in that revised chapter 10 (the first version) if the aunt was in there.... I think she might have been. 

“Fara missed you. She wouldn’t shut up about you, actually.” – Who’s Fara, I'm completely lost now. This is frustrating. Her full name is Fara Pascal. Yeah, her full name has been mentioned three times at this point in the novel, but reading this on a week by week basis is not good for such details.

“Don’t forget. I’ll be able to hear you, you know.” – I think this kills the zing of the last line. 

 

Edited August 15, 2016 by spieles

[spieles]

On 8/13/2016 at 11:30 AM, rdpulfer said:

- Lehay's lack of response to Hayden falls a bit flat. I wanted some kind of acknowledgement there. Yeah, that makes sense. 

- "That's just awesome coming from someone who's supposed to be Hayden's parent." The last part of this line falls a bit flat, like it isn't specific enough. Hrm. Going to think on this one. Maybe I hang around social workers and psychologists too much. LOL. They always say crap like that. Very judgey.

- Why would Pascal's aunt want Oz to call her "Liz" if she thought he'd just been arrested? It seems a bit odd she'd insist on being so formal to someone who might pose a bad influence to her niece. She doesn't remotely believe that Oz is a bad influence on her niece. Oz's "arrest" is supposed to be very tongue in cheek since she's a Council Member who is at odds with Aurum's Board - but I'm worried I've cut too much of that conflict in these more recent chapters and that "divide" is no longer coming across.

- I do really like this world and the characters within it. I really want to see more of it. . Thank you so much for reading and giving feedback.

 

[krystalynn03]

And I just posted my critique on the wrong thread like a dorkfish. I don't know how to delete...

Edited August 26, 2016 by krystalynn03