07/18/16 - Waning, Ch. 8 (S, D)

[neongrey]

Previously: The city of Ilidria's living goddess is dead, and Lasila Vahendra's only brother has recently left her to fend for herself so he can assist at peace negotiations; the war that has drained the city for nearly eighty years might finally end if they go well. Lasila has other concerns: she has been invited to attend the celebration honouring the goddess' return.

Savae Alevrin, Archmage, priest, and jeweler has other goals here: they have been tasked by the crime lord Varael Ashana to obtain a token from Senator Riruna at this event and pass it to his brother-in-law Aserahin Ealis. They have ceremonial roles as well here: both the goddess' death and her return appear to serve their dread portent.

In 7: Lasila witnesses a coalition forming to blockade an electoral bid, meets two senators-- one of whom needed no introduction to her-- and finds herself taken under the wing of her escort's brother's intended bride. Savae, alone, makes briefest contact with Aserahin and obtains the necessary token.

Now: Iluya gets handsy. Lasila doesn't much mind. Maranthe exposits. Savae completes preparations for the remainder of the evening, and makes the exchange with Aserahin.

Next time: Lasila considers what's actually important to her, and meets someone in a similar position as herself. She sees something that she wants, and she seizes it.

I suspect Aserahin is going to parse too modern for some people-- he's the first person to habitually use informal registers that I've submitted. Varael Ashana does as well, and after revisions the reader will have met him, at the very least, before now. Suffice it simply to say that it is supposed to stick out like a sore thumb, it isn't socially appropriate here, and modernity is not something this story shies away from in any capacity.

ABCD isn't something I find useful at all for me, but if the format helps you articulate your thoughts better, I'm not going to say don't. Just don't feel the need to do it on my account, please.

Edited July 18, 2016 by neongrey

[kais]

Someone gets handsy, you say? Exxxxxxcellent. Commence orgy happy dance! If I could gif on here, I totally would.

Overall

I find Savae intriguing, far more so than Lasilia. I'm still having a hard time connecting with Lasilia's character, but Savae I really enjoy. I would, of course, love to see more play in this orgy, especially since it is being referred to as an orgy. It doesn't necessarily need to be with Lasilia herself, but more running into copulating couples or references to hands or kissing and such would help. Right now the whole place seems very chaste for an orgy - more a polite gathering where thinly veiled suggestions are made. Would love to see it break free a bit, especially with all the social rules we've gotten in previous chapters. If there was ever a place to let loose, it'd be this chapter.

Also, I'm officially on team 'Lasilia needs to get some'. Also forever on Team Savae, but they're not conflicting teams so I think I can be on both.

As I go

- Yeah OK, two paragraphs in and fingers are doing all kinds of things on backs and I am right there.

- I don't know if I'd care to have a corset line pushed into my skin. I've never worn a corset, but bone, even covered in fabric, doesn't seem like it needs to go digging even deeper into skin. Feel free to ignore this comment. It's mostly wandering.

- Dear Red Robed Priest: I have waited too long for this orgy chapter. Kindly mind your own business and leave these two alone. Sincerely, kaisa

- page 3: Savae is named by the author, but we are in Lasilia's POV still, yes? Has she met Savae yet? It would make more sense to keep referring to them in the plural until someone actually names Savae if this is the case.

- I'm intrigued by the elemental magic stuff, however I'm not certain if I'm supposed to get something out of the end of the passage after Lasilia's palm is pricked. Did we get a confirmation of some elemental magic ability?

- Is the fungus always warmer on the other side of the cavern? This is a really strange sentence. Fungi are never, in my experience, warm. Suggest instead something like tastier, or brighter (cause they have lots of colors), or more fragrant, which could go both ways.

- Wait, scratch the above. I see the idiom remark. HAHA.

[neongrey]

2 hours ago, kaisa said:

I find Savae intriguing, far more so than Lasilia. I'm still having a hard time connecting with Lasilia's character, but Savae I really enjoy.

I'm honestly not going to count this a point against, tbh; Lasila is certainly more the main character than Savae is, but if this story has a hero, it's Savae. And if there's one thing I worry about in terms of how this story is received when it's done, it's people thinking Lasila is authorially intended to be the hero. She's not going full Walter White any time soon, but...

2 hours ago, kaisa said:

I would, of course, love to see more play in this orgy, especially since it is being referred to as an orgy. It doesn't necessarily need to be with Lasilia herself, but more running into copulating couples or references to hands or kissing and such would help. Right now the whole place seems very chaste for an orgy - more a polite gathering where thinly veiled suggestions are made. Would love to see it break free a bit, especially with all the social rules we've gotten in previous chapters. If there was ever a place to let loose, it'd be this chapter.

Yeah, I'll probably ratchet it up during redraft, but, oh, we've got a few chapters where we can do this. I'm not the best gauge of how far is too far, so I definitely leaned tame for the initial draft. There's another reason why; you might get a kick out of it.

2 hours ago, kaisa said:

Also, I'm officially on team 'Lasilia needs to get some'.

It's always nice to back a winning team...

2 hours ago, kaisa said:

Also forever on Team Savae, but they're not conflicting teams so I think I can be on both.

As far as is knowable right now, they're not, anyway. :v

2 hours ago, kaisa said:

- Dear Red Robed Priest: I have waited too long for this orgy chapter. Kindly mind your own business and leave these two alone. Sincerely, kaisa

You might forgive him next chapter. 

2 hours ago, kaisa said:

- page 3: Savae is named by the author, but we are in Lasilia's POV still, yes? Has she met Savae yet? It would make more sense to keep referring to them in the plural until someone actually names Savae if this is the case.

Their name isn't used until Maranthe introduces them.

2 hours ago, kaisa said:

- I'm intrigued by the elemental magic stuff, however I'm not certain if I'm supposed to get something out of the end of the passage after Lasilia's palm is pricked. Did we get a confirmation of some elemental magic ability?

Next chapter!

2 hours ago, kaisa said:

- Wait, scratch the above. I see the idiom remark. HAHA.

:v

[kais]

37 minutes ago, neongrey said:

Their name isn't used until Maranthe introduces them.

Then you'll want to recheck that section. You, the author, name Savae in Lasilia's POV before Savae's name is spoken. Just a minor thing.

39 minutes ago, neongrey said:

how far is too far

With the level of detail you get into in the rest of the story, I'd say your readers would likely expect a similar level of detail in an intimate scene.

 

[neongrey]

1 minute ago, kaisa said:

Then you'll want to recheck that section. You, the author, name Savae in Lasilia's POV before Savae's name is spoken. Just a minor thing.

Are you sure about that? I'm doing a ctrl-f and the first occurance I'm seeing of the name here is in Maranthe's introduction.

[kais]

Ack, no, you're right. I totally missed the Savae dropped in all those honorifics! I withdraw my comment and claim temporary insanity. 

[neongrey]

They've got a very long formal style, yeah, hehe.

[Mandamon]

General thoughts:
I seem to have similar comments to kaisa on Lasila, orgies, and the magic...

I like that Lasila and Savae finally meet up, and that we learn something of the magic of the world.
I enjoyed Savae's POV, as usual, more than Lasila's, though Lasila had some good parts this time.  However, she still seems less proactive, and more reactive which
degrades her likeability, I think.

I didn't particularly have a problem with Aserahin.  Honestly there's so many different names and titles here I still haven't identified, I couldn't really tell
if someone was anachronistic or not.

Per Kaisa's orgy dance, I too thought this was very tame, especially for the buildup we've seen in the story.  Could see a LOT more here without it really even
getting an "R" rating.

Notes while reading:
pg 1/2: "thumbing Lasila's corset against her back"
--You mentioned something like this a few times, but I don't have a good visual for it.  Is she pressing the corset into Lasila's skin?  Seems uncomfortable.

pg 3: Mirie/Ilie/Essa/etc.
--Still completely lost on the forms of address.  It's been explained several times, but I can't seem to what means what.  I wouldn't bring it up, except you
mention it a lot, so I can't help but think it's important to the story.  Maybe some sort of appendix/intro is in order with the types of address, so the reader
can refer to them?
--especially since there's then things like "miladies."  Wouldn't the titles instead become a sort of form of address rather than the stardard we know?  Like My
Lady -> M'Lady?  Would it be "Essas" or something?

pg 4: "since the time the eldest gods turned their eyes from the world and the city fell"
--interesting worldbuilding
--The middle couple paragraphs drag here.  There's a bit of infodump, as well as some "as you know" information.  Not sure where you would put it, but I would have
liked to see some of this earlier to give some more development to the world.   Maybe in Savae's earlier chapter?
--Also this didn't really go anywhere.  Is Lasila magical?  Did the two of them cast some spell?

pg 5: "veiled shudkathra...birth forth a foreign god "
--interesting.  I want to know more about the ritual, and why the enemy they're fighting is the one necessary for it.

 

[neongrey]

6 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I didn't particularly have a problem with Aserahin.  Honestly there's so many different names and titles here I still haven't identified, I couldn't really tell
if someone was anachronistic or not.

It's not meaningfully possible to be anachronistic with this story (certainly, if anything is anachronistic, it lies in the outfits, which are mostly 2015-2016 runway pieces), is why I framed it as I did. It's possible for words not to fit, absolutely, but the faux medievalism that poisons this genre generally causes people to ascribe style mismatches to chronological issues in all possible cases. While sometimes this actually is the case, realistically this issue is misattributed everywhere in the genre because really, most 'medieval' fantasy has about as much in common with actual medieval stylings as hard SF does, ie, basically none... but this story isn't a period piece in any meaningful sense of the term.

... basically, if he's not tripping you up it's fine, but his register bears markers of things that other people have ascribed to anachronism before, so I was just heading that one off at the pass.

6 hours ago, Mandamon said:

--Still completely lost on the forms of address.  It's been explained several times, but I can't seem to what means what.  I wouldn't bring it up, except you
mention it a lot, so I can't help but think it's important to the story.  Maybe some sort of appendix/intro is in order with the types of address, so the reader
can refer to them?

There's a chart; I can link it in my emails but right now the only thing I have is my live draft in evernote so I can't be posting it in a public forum, and right now it's got several notes-to-self in it. I meant to include it this time but forgot.

6 hours ago, Mandamon said:

--especially since there's then things like "miladies."  Wouldn't the titles instead become a sort of form of address rather than the stardard we know?  Like My
Lady -> M'Lady?  Would it be "Essas" or something?

Lady is a valid form of address (senators' wives, heads of certain houses, etc) but yeah, miladies is not right there, even with Savae rather intentionally being a bit rude here. (and in this case it is a bit rude to ascribe that style to either of them). I'll figure out something. Maybe leaning harder on the foreign.

6 hours ago, Mandamon said:

--The middle couple paragraphs drag here.  There's a bit of infodump, as well as some "as you know" information.  Not sure where you would put it, but I would have
liked to see some of this earlier to give some more development to the world.   Maybe in Savae's earlier chapter?

Possibly the initial one yet to be written, since that also does the job of showing off some... practical applications, but not with the extant bit with Savae, no. Savae hasn't sat down and thought about this stuff in years.

The dialogue just needs rework, I think that'll fix most of it. Probably a lot of this doesn't need directly to be conveyed.

Edited July 19, 2016 by neongrey
typo

[Robinski]

Hey, looking forward to this much anticipated (looking at you, @Kaisa!) instalment of the story. I'm seeing it as the culmination of the first part of the story, narratively, so I'm interested to see where Lasila ends up at the end.

In summary, I enjoyed this chapter and it did deliver the reveal that I was hoping for, which turned out to be Lasila’s magical potential. Exciting for reading on to see her presumably becoming embroiled in political shenanigans. Where I was disappointed was in the orgy, not from any lascivious desire to see gory details, but because of the almost complete absence of passing reference to any debauchery taking place. Lasila averted her eyes once on the stairs, and there was reference to some doors being closed, but that was about it. As I say, I don’t need details, but I need to feel that ‘stuff’ is going on, that it is actually an orgy, which I didn’t.

Otherwise, I think some of the labyrinthine details of politics and geography will benefit from the edit. I hope I am of above average intelligence, I would settle for 70^th percentile, and I did feel I was not getting all the details of the background events and relationships. I'm sure an edit would

<R>

---------------------------------------------

“But Iluya seemed skilled at covering over any of Lasila's missteps, wherever they were. The difference in their heights didn't seem to trouble Iluya at all” – I'm trying to teach myself not to use ‘seem/seemed’ and words like that, which don’t really (there’s another!) commit to the idea. The first instance here, I think is fine, because Lasila doesn’t know the missteps, but she can see if Iluya is troubled or not.

“she let Iluya spin her out and then back” – I would like a little blocking of the dance floor. Is it crowded, quiet; the temp of the dance; the source of the music? Unless this is WRS and it was in the last submission.

“Iluya's snort was entirely inappropriate” – excellent.

“Lasila looked down at Iluya's face” – I pictured Iluya as taller, for some reason.

“And I am not by nature the marrying sort” – This feels like repetition.

“driving her a few steps back” – Again, I’d like to know about the danger of bumping into people, or how noticeable this pair are on the dance floor. Then there’s “navigating her toward the balcony” – navigating through or past what/whom?

“But it was quite a stir, I understand, to learned that they practiced forms unknown to our arcanists” – grammar seems off here.

“She let a white powder trickle out” – or similar.

“strange characters that Lasila couldn't read, even upside-down” – surely she is even less likely to be able to read the symbols upside down.

“she might as well go all in”

“Indeed it could, Essa Vahendra” – I really enjoyed this scene, it’s the climax that is was hoping for to Lasila’s journey to the temple (so to speak) through the first part of the story. There are some nice big concepts and ideas revealed effectively through Maranthe. I thought this exposition was natural and not dumpy at all.

“The fungus is always warmer on the other side of the cavern” – lol.

“but they just needed a drink in hand to look social” – sociable?

“didn't accidentally stick anything into your worst enemy” – excellent.

“Their glass dropped to the floor, spilling out on the ground” – Surely the glass would smash, but this does not sound like it.

“Better whiskey than he usually got his hands on” – Boo, hiss. Don’t they have Scotch in this place ;o)

“there are places you don't leave fluids behind” – awesome line.

Good scene between Savae and Aserahin.

[Robinski]

On 19/07/2016 at 0:27 AM, kaisa said:

Right now the whole place seems very chaste for an orgy - more a polite gathering where thinly veiled suggestions are made.

Yup.

[Robinski]

On 19/07/2016 at 0:27 AM, kaisa said:

Dear Red Robed Priest: I have waited too long for this orgy chapter. Kindly mind your own business and leave these two alone. Sincerely, kaisa

ROFL

[neongrey]

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

Hey, looking forward to this much anticipated (looking at you, @Kaisa!) instalment of the story. I'm seeing it as the culmination of the first part of the story, narratively, so I'm interested to see where Lasila ends up at the end.

I would actually place that point in 10, at a very specific point; it's where I place the close of the first act, at least. Where we presently stand, we've met... most of the major players. And most of the majour plots are underway. If one wanted to compare to a bit of popular fiction, this party is this story's Harrenhall.

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

Where I was disappointed was in the orgy, not from any lascivious desire to see gory details, but because of the almost complete absence of passing reference to any debauchery taking place. Lasila averted her eyes once on the stairs, and there was reference to some doors being closed, but that was about it. As I say, I don’t need details, but I need to feel that ‘stuff’ is going on, that it is actually an orgy, which I didn’t.

There's technical reasons about the way I write that led me to err tame to start, yeah. Should be dirtier in redraft, lol.

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

“she let Iluya spin her out and then back” – I would like a little blocking of the dance floor. Is it crowded, quiet; the temp of the dance; the source of the music? Unless this is WRS and it was in the last submission.

Nah, it could probably use a bit more definition.

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

“Lasila looked down at Iluya's face” – I pictured Iluya as taller, for some reason.

Probably not a textual one beyond that Lasila was already seated when Iluya arrived last chapter; the text makes much of Lasila's substantial height (around five ten; Iluya is around five five) in various ways. She can be quite imposing when she cares to be.

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

“But it was quite a stir, I understand, to learned that they practiced forms unknown to our arcanists” – grammar seems off here.

Yeah, I see a typo there.

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

“strange characters that Lasila couldn't read, even upside-down” – surely she is even less likely to be able to read the symbols upside down.

You know, I meant to go fix that line but it slipped my mind entirely.

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

“Their glass dropped to the floor, spilling out on the ground” – Surely the glass would smash, but this does not sound like it.

A rug; I could have sworn I mentioned it, but it seems not.

Thanks!

[neongrey]

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

Otherwise, I think some of the labyrinthine details of politics and geography will benefit from the edit. I hope I am of above average intelligence, I would settle for 70^th percentile, and I did feel I was not getting all the details of the background events and relationships. I'm sure an edit would

More Savae will give a bit more context, and I think some epigraphery would be a benefit also (but that is something I think I would want to add after a first pass). Part of this too is that Lasila is well in over her head; she's putting pieces together as she sees them so there's that at least, hopefully. But yeah, there's room for cleanup here too.

[rdpulfer]

- I really like all of your observations on Illuya - the way she digs her nails into Lasila's back, the way she snorts at a comment. It's a really observant way to characterize her with the smallest of actions and routine conversation.

- "Unlike her companion, she was masked, and unlike the masks Lasilla'd seen this evening . . . " the possessive on Lasilla doesn't seem correct and it looks really awkward. 

- "Just as well;" I don't think this works, since "Just as well" isn't a complete thought.

- Nice to hear more about magic in this world.

- Interested to see where this is all going. Keep up the good work! 

[Robinski]

7 hours ago, neongrey said:

More Savae will give a bit more context, and I think some epigraphery would be a benefit also (but that is something I think I would want to add after a first pass). Part of this too is that Lasila is well in over her head; she's putting pieces together as she sees them so there's that at least, hopefully. But yeah, there's room for cleanup here too.

Normally, I'm a bit 'meh' about epigraphs, but I agree that they could be a real boon for the reader given the complexity (good thing!) of the background.

Also, I'm not averse to feeling a bit confused if the m/c is showing the same signs, but I'm not sure Lasila is, so far.

[Eagle of the Forest Path]

I'm pro-epigraph (but technically "pro-" and "epi-" would cancel each other out, so I guess I'm just "graph"... and yes, I'm fully aware of how sad this attempt at humour is).

Seriously though, if well done, epigraphs can add a lot to your story. But be cautious, if you start adding in two-page poems about fictional creatures in your setting (or excerpts from Lasila's brother's not-a-metaphor sword book), you'll probably lose readers. IMO restraint is key.

[neongrey]

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

Normally, I'm a bit 'meh' about epigraphs, but I agree that they could be a real boon for the reader given the complexity (good thing!) of the background.

Among other things there's a lot of demagougery flying around and I think excerpting political speeches, religious sermons, and letters will help. Melqueth's presence looms large but he's not got a lot of physical presence in Lasila's story, or at least the outline doesn't call for it. And I outline loosely so there's room for that to change, but... Then too there's the matter of Varinen's correspondence with Lasila; the letters will start coming soon after where I'm currently written up until. Would be smoother than integrating the text into the body of the chapter.

See how it goes; I could place them where I need them on the first go-round and then pin in backwards when I've got the complete shape of things. I have, which will probably not be surprising at all, quite a lot of material to draw from.

There's always people who skip these things, but my feeling is generally that while if i'm being boring, that's my fault, if someone's actively skipping text, I'm not responsible for them not knowing things they actively chose not to read.

2 hours ago, Eagle of the Forest Path said:

 But be cautious, if you start adding in two-page poems about fictional creatures in your setting (or excerpts from Lasila's brother's not-a-metaphor sword book), you'll probably lose readers. IMO restraint is key.

This is only true early on-- once people are invested, you'd be shocked at what you can get them to do. And I say this once having gotten people translating something like a hundred and fifty words worth of wingdings... in jpeg format.

But that was an unusual story, and by that point I'd trained the readers to expect things like that in the supplemental material, so. It's all about properly laying the groundwork.

That said-- I'd call that book more interesting than Lasila gave it credit for. She disdains a lot of that stuff. It's also not exactly pertinent to her situation.

But don't tempt me into excerpting The Happy Little Taenosil, a children's classic about a taenosil who wants to grow wings. The moral of the story is that succumbing to social pressure is a good thing. :v

[neongrey]

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

Also, I'm not averse to feeling a bit confused if the m/c is showing the same signs, but I'm not sure Lasila is, so far.

Lasila's reaction to confusion is something along the lines of faking it until she makes it, yeah. She's supplying basic context which she does have, and then assembling situations from there.

I made a pretty conscious choice to go with a main character who was familiar with the general shape of the situation if not the details and would actively piece things together herself, rather than need to be explained at; I find the 'start the main character ignorant' thing tedious at the best of times. That said, there's definitely stuff coming, as we're seeing, that does need to be explained to her...

[spieles]

So I enjoyed the exchange back and forth between Iluya and Lasila. Is it supposed to be implied that Iluya prefers women but due to her station and situation feels she will have to marry a man? Because of the multiples genders present in the word and the misogyny towards women I'm still not sure what the taboos on sexuality are here. 

I was also fully engaged in the reveal of Lasila's magic - I keep wondering if she's going to be revealed as the new living goddess.

The comment on the cost of the clothing from the priestess seemed VERY RUDE. The priestess chose the seamstress and as the benefactor wouldn't it have been her job to advise and restrict the budget? Or was her pointing out the cost  a way to burden Lasila so as to make her feel the debt? I got a sense of that, but Lasila's reaction and analysis wasn't exactly clear.

Completely confused once we stick to Savae's POV. Granted, I didn't read your intro in the post above, but now that I read your description  they have been tasked by the crime lord Varael Ashana to obtain a token from Senator Riruna at this event and pass it to his brother-in-law Aserahin Ealis. They have ceremonial roles as well here: both the goddess' death and her return appear to serve their dread portent.... I'm even more confused as to how this is threading through the story. My instinct is to say less time in previous chapters on dress consultations and more on creating personal stakes for this complex plo!!!! I'm still not sure how Savae's people are at odds with the Aelin in the broader sense. I got the picture that they were culturally and magically different, but I didn't understand Savae's goal among the Aelin.

I hope that helps!

Edited July 23, 2016 by spieles

[neongrey]

2 hours ago, spieles said:

So I enjoyed the exchange back and forth between Iluya and Lasila. Is it supposed to be implied that Iluya prefers women but due to her station and situation feels she will have to marry a man? Because of the multiples genders present in the word and the misogyny towards women I'm still not sure what the taboos on sexuality are here.

She's stating that Rienri Linphori is the economically correct choice, that she prefers Eshrin to Rienri (and that she is absolutely having her way with Eshrin on the side), and that she's got to marry someone because she's got very few options available to her. And she definitely both invited Lasila to a threesome and it-would-be-possible-to-interpret-her-statement-this-way-maybe-if-you-have-a-dirty-mind implied Senator Melqueth is off having his way with Eshrin.

I dunno, I'm honestly not sure what markers you're looking for on this. No character at any point is particularly batting their eyelash at same-gender relations; most reactions indicate that bisexual attraction is more or less the norm but marriage is generally discussed in economic terms and open marriages are vaguely suggested pretty much every time slightly unfavourable conditions for marriage come up (Iluya, certainly, is outright polyamorous). There's generally been no particular social value placed upon virginity when the subject has arisen.

Savae did straight-up suggest social stigma against aelin-human relations, strong enough that even in the case of formal anonymity it's still extant.

4 hours ago, spieles said:

but now that I read your description

As I've been saying, there's a scene to be inserted on edit which will have this, as it clearly provides necessary context. I've just been summarizing the intent of said scene for the past few subs to paper over the fact that it doesn't exist yet.

Thanks!

[spieles]

16 hours ago, neongrey said:

She's stating that Rienri Linphori is the economically correct choice, that she prefers Eshrin to Rienri (and that she is absolutely having her way with Eshrin on the side), and that she's got to marry someone because she's got very few options available to her. And she definitely both invited Lasila to a threesome and it-would-be-possible-to-interpret-her-statement-this-way-maybe-if-you-have-a-dirty-mind implied Senator Melqueth is off having his way with Eshrin.

Ah, I realized something as I read this. THE NAMES... which of and by themselves aren't a problem. I like the more exotic, fantasy-based names, but you have so many character introductions in this chapter. I have no idea who Rienri is (though some of that is weekly reader syndrome). I do know Eshrin as we met him through Lasila. I already forgot who Melqueth - I think we had three paragraphs with him. And then there are all of Savae's people introduced and my head explodes. 

Please note, I read quickly but then I feel like many readers of sci-fi fantasy do, which is why clear sign posting and one-at-a-time character introductions with each key characters conflict immediately becoming clear is really useful. You also now have more than one POV - which is even more complex. It seems like  Mandamon, Robinski and I were all having issues sorting out who was relevant at this point in the plot. You're amping up to secondary relationships (e.g. not just Eshrin but his brother the senator and not just the senator but this politically important guy Melqueth) at this point when previously we were going one-at-time with Lasila. One suggestion would be to layer these characters into the earlier scenes, e.g. have Melqueth show up at the seamstress's shop. Or have the Senator show up at Lasila's house to visit her brother unexpectedly. These sort of scenes give you the time and space to set up individual conflicts with your protagonist. Whereas with them ALL happening at the ball or a single scene (which we have not read) before will weigh heavily on the narrative.

Anyway, something to be aware of. The high society, political machinations aspect of this novel is reminding me of The Goblin Emperor, which was my favorite book last year. I'm eager to see if you take it more that direction.

Edited July 24, 2016 by spieles