AuthorityHellas16 - When Good Angels Do Nothing (all over again) - Prologue [V,D, L]

[AuthorityHellas16]

Hello everyone,

 

So, I’ve been away for a while, adjusting to working life and being self-reliant and all that. But I’ve still been toiling away at this story, entitled “When Good Angels Do Nothing.” 

Some of you have already read it and given me invaluable feedback. To avoiding spoiling things for new readers, I won’t say what I’ve changed; suffice to say that there’s a lot that’s different in this new version. 

 

Goals of the story:

1. A tale of overcoming personal loss and severe psychological damage
2. A deconstruction of the classic black and white good vs. evil story with, hopefully, quite a bit of grey in the middle
3. A large cast of unique characters that the reader can sympathise with as the story goes along. Would also like the main characters to be mobile and develop as people
4. Most of all, a fun, enjoyable story. I’m not claiming to be even the palest shade of Rushdie, Sanderson or Rothfuss, but if you guys can enjoy what I’ve created, that’s enough for me. 

 

If you guys could let me know how well (or poorly) I’ve achieved these goals, I would really appreciate it. That plus the usual syntax, character flaws, storyboard problems etc. I’ll also recycle my disclaimer that I used with my previous submissions in that this is a concoction of my crazy brain and is not meant to insult the beliefs or faiths of anyone anywhere. 

 

Cheers!

 

AH16

[Mandamon]

Glad to be reading this again.  It's a good story, and better this time around, so far.  Right off the bat, Forging and the Mark are much clearer, though I still had a questions below.  I've stuck to the A/B/C/D format 

General Note: (C/D) eye color changing: I'd be careful here not to get overly complicated.  I wouldn't be able to remember more than about three associations, and then probably just for one character.  You also tell about eye color changing a lot in a person's POV.  You can't see your own eye color.

Notes while reading:
pg 2: "You were “shown” the truth,’ he repeated. ‘Who showed you?’
I am an idea, not a name. Do not reveal who you serve."
--(A) This is a much better hook than the first time around.  A lot less religious questions come up.

pg 2: "Abaddon…’ he stopped himself, but the damage had already been done."
--(B/D) Aaand...this brings the tension back down.  We're immediately told who the big bad is.  I'd pefer to be left in the dark for a few chapters at least to find out who could be directing Lucifer himself.

pg 3: "He had discovered Lucifer’s intentions weeks before the  Archangel had brought him to Earth"
--(D) this doesn't jive with how Hellas was acting.  I didn't think he knew.

pg 4: "Catherine froze when Hellas burst into her office"
--(D) so the city is already being sacked and Catherine doesn't know it?

pg 4: "A pale, sickly shade of green in her eyes "
--(D) Catherine wouldn't know her own eye color.
Also pg 5 "Her eyes returned to their calm, deep green shade. "

pg 5: ‘Host doctrine states that in urban warfare, the larger force almost always wins,’
--(D) I'm no strategist, but I would think the side that knows the terrain would have a huge advantage.

pg 5: ‘You’d better have a good reason for waking me up like this.’
--(D) No one seems to hear or realize the city is under attack?

pg 6: "Almost three thousand soldiers slashed and hacked their way through the legions of farmers and craftsmen. "
--(C) what?  Who's attacking who?  I thought the Host companies were on Hellas' side?
--or are the farmers and craftsmen Lucifer's?

pg 6: "silent prayer for their souls, which now rested comfortably in the Void"
--(A) Good to know.  We need the answer to "where to angels go when they die?"

pg 6: "Lucifer was clearly overconfident, leaving only five guards to cover him while the rest rampaged through the city streets."
--(D) Hopefully there's some other plan in place and Lucifer isn't just stupid.

pg 7: "vermillion rune"
--(C) Don't yet know what the difference between the Mark and the runes are.

pg 7: "A brown rune flashed on his forearm and an identical, larger rune flashed on the ground in front of him, reflecting his connection
with the earth"
--Is it element-based?  Then what does the green rune mean? 

pg 8: "In the heat of the moment it seemed like the Ha’Satan had forgotten that fact"
--(C) what fact?

pg 9: "Hellas jolted awake,"
--(C) This section is unclear.  Was all the above a dream, or is this just a large jump in time?  Either way, the transition is awkward.

pg 10: "The events of the dream had taken place twelve years ago"
--(D) ok, evidently it was a dream.  But dreams are unreliable.  Why not just note that this is 12 years later?

pg 10: "Fallen and demons "
--(C) What's the difference?

pg 10: "‘You are under arrest.’"
--(A) Good ending for the first chapter/prologue.

[kais]

Ah yes, we meet again! Welcome back!

Overall

I don't think I read this chapter the first time around, but the writing is better than one of the follow up chapters I remember reading. Nice work! 

I enjoy religious inspired stories, but I had a hard time getting into this one. Lucifer didn't seem very two dimensional. I was hoping for more complexity on his character. Right now this chapter reads as a pretty typical fallen angel tale. I'd love to know more about how Lucifer was seduced. I also don't have a feel at all for Hella, not in terms of who he is within the story or what his relevance is. I'd love to see more character work in this first chapter.

As I go

- What POV are we in here? Who can see that Hella's eyes change color? I'm confused.

- The first page has a lot of abrupt scene changes that are very jarring. Transitions would be useful

- Why are Logos and Elohim in italics? Generally this is reserved for words in another language or to add emphasis.

- page four 'with the brightness of a hundred suns' - cliche

- instead of the constant eye color updates, consider giving other descriptions. Hair, and especially wing color and shape, would be more useful and help create a better mental image

- page 8 and I"m still confused about the runes. Is this a common fantasy thing you are trying in, like orcs and trolls and other things that have a common backstory?

- I like the gag in the last paragraph on page ten, but it falls a little flat. More lead up to it with Hella's personality and character development would help

[Coop]

I really enjoyed this prologue. This is the kind of book I would definitely continue reading to see if it maintains its promise. Here are a few of my thoughts as I read:

- I liked a lot of your descriptive flourishes that helped create a vivid world in my mind. For example, I really like the opening paragraph, with its "rainbow-coloured snowflakes" and time-bending air currents. Descriptions of the characters' wings and the Forging abilities were also evocative.

- I thought that the way the Void messed up Hellas on his way back to Heaven was a nice touch.

- I didn't buy the idea that the city was being ravaged and that two of its military leaders had no awareness of it. You argue that Heaven had never been attacked and had had centuries of peace, but I was not convinced by these reasons.

- Maybe others will disagree with me on this point... Midway through the prologue, I was imagining an otherworldly, magical kind of place, but when Catherine's Steel Hawks dropped incendiaries, my mind suddenly shifted to images of napalm and Vietnam. I'm not saying that all of the weapon effects need to look as magical as the Forging, but I would suggest giving descriptions of fire, for example, a slightly otherworldly quality, which might be more consistent with your setting. E.g.: maybe fire burns a little differently there in terms of color, shape, or movement, idk.

- "Hey," a voice roared... This line seems a little silly without an exclamation mark after "hey".

- "Why. Won't. You. Open." Lucifer raged...  -- Similar to the preceding point, this line doesn't really work, in my opinion.

-  "You're not getting away," Hellas murmured.  -- This statement comes off like a melodramatic comic book line.

- "After everything we've been together?"   -- Do you mean "been through together"?

- I like the Forging stuff but maybe you show too much of it in the prologue. It's a cool thing; maybe you should tease it at first, rather than reveal so much. For example, Hellas could fight with a sword or something initially, then switch to Forging when he really needs it.

- I like how you've altered a few things about our understanding of well known religious stories. For example, the line about the people of Heaven "discovering" the people on earth made me smile and wonder what the story is behind that.

- Not sure what I thought of the ending. I was okay with the woke-from-a-dream plot device, though I didn't love it. And I wasn't sure what you were going for with Hellas' arrest. It just made me scratch my head. Still, I was hooked enough at this point that I would have kept turning the pages. Nice work! I look forward to chapter 1!

[Coop]

One more thing... The eye color stuff seemed unnecessary to me. It didn't have much of a cool factor for me and didn't seem to add much dimension to these characters and their interactions. Don't facial expressions reveal the same things that the color changes do--aren't these color changes redundant?

[Eagle of the Forest Path]

I really liked this story and hope to see more.

The only thing I'd like to point out (which has already been said by Mandamon) is that Host Doctrine is probably wrong about urban warfare (which might be intentional, pointing out that angels are bad at war).
A city is like a massive series of bottlenecks, and in a bottleneck the global amount of combatants matters less than in other settings.
In a street fight, whether you've got an army of 100 or 500, you can still only put 10 soldiers across the width of the street.

Of course, now that I think about it a bit more, things might be different if all your combatants can grow wings at will. But in that case, incendiary bombs wouldn't make a lot of sense either.

[AuthorityHellas16]

Thanks for all the wonderful feedback, guys. I'm going to respond to as much of it as I can, so apologies for the long post. I'm thrilled you're all enjoying it so far; like I said, that's the main thing I wanted to achieve with this story. 

Here we go:

• I like the idea of teasing who is actually controlling Lucifer (thanks Mandamon)
• The eye colour changes were a gimmick, and one that can be easily deleted if they come across as pointless. The main reason for their inclusion was to make the angels less human-like. I deliberately made them humanoid in character so they would be relatable (and it's beyond my talent level to write a book where every character is an alien), but I wanted to make them clearly inhuman. The eyes seemed a good way to do this at the time, similar to the way a chameleon changes its skin colour. If you guys think it's a bit stupid, I can totally understand
• (Kaisa) I deliberately made Lucifer a bit 2D here because I wanted the focus to be on introducing the main characters and building the setting. Apart from a little bit of exposition about his motives (I got a lot of inspiration from Mass Effect's Saren), I wanted him to be a generic villain at this point so the book didn't get bogged down with discussion. Rest assured he will be much more complex and conflicted when he eventually does come to centre stage. 
• The problem with no one in the Host realising that the city is being sacked is a big one, and one I have yet to find a way around. I'm considering having Hellas interrupt the Host's attempt to take back the city, which would give me the chance to add in some more action and Forging
• Catherine's remark about "Host Doctrine" is (as Eagle said) deliberately wrong. It was meant to imply that after centuries of being basically a ceremonial fighting force, the Host is woefully under-prepared for an attack of this magnitude. 
• With Coop's concerns Re: Forging, I can assure you that there's a lot more cool stuff to come. Forging is so ubiquitous in this world that it starts to blur the lines between "magic" and "magitek." I'm excited for you to see that
• The aim of the dream was twofold: I wanted to show (not tell) the origins of Lucifer's rebellion, but the real story (that of Hellas) doesn't really take off for another twelve years. And since I'm not a fan of the whole "12 years later..." transition, a dream was the cleanest and easiest way to do this. The second part was to show that Hellas has a lot of bad things swirling in his mind of the PTSD nightmare-variety. The fact that he immediately drinks to calm himself and has to tell himself that he's "okay" was aimed to foreshadow some of his later behaviour.
• I also deliberately made Hellas' behaviour in the dream (when he was just a Host grunt) and the present (when he's a jaded bigwig) dissonant to hint at how twelve years of war has changed him. Rather than go for the DARK AND BROODING archetype (which has been done to death by Batman et al.), I wanted to make him a Sad Clown, in the mould of Chandler or (sometimes) Deadpool. The difference there was meant to be jarring. 

Thanks again for your above feedback. Obviously still things to clean up, but I'm glad you enjoyed it. I've put the explanations here just to give a bit of context to some of my ideas, since you guys don't have the full thing. 

Can't wait to give you more, and hope you enjoy it!

[Alfa]

First and foremost: I like the story in general and believe it very well written (I agree with most that was posted ubwards); but there are a few things that I stumbled upon. I don't think you should change them, but some in-story explanation would be good.

- If it's Constantinople that's burning there, then this takes place around what? 1450? Wasn't Lucifer around quite some time at that point - or do Angels have the power to travel in time? If so that brings millions of other problems and paradoxa with it, but I am okay with it - except of one point: If they travel in time, why do they measure time in years? And does Heaven even have years in any way comparable to ours?

- Hellas needs his time to go through the Void back to the Heaven, and Lucifer, recovering from a quite fierce attack, is there before him. Is that normal, or are there means unknown for Luciffer to travel between Earth and Heaven? If so, probably a short comment from Hellas would be better.

- Heaven is attacked by an army. While the Host might be not very competent, it seems to me that it would be almost impossible not to see an approaching army right in front of the capital. Might have to do with Luicifer's magic, but still... Hellas seems to accept the army as given, which makes me ask why he isnt't asking how it came so fast here.

- Hellas feels a bit to powerfull for my taste. He is incredibly powerfull at forging, etc. - while being not a problem per se, this can lead to problems with very one-sided combat (if there is combat), increasingly powerfull enemies (which in itself might also lead to the problem why lucifer didn't take them to his assault for a march-trough) or that he loses all his power at a critical point (which always occured as cheating to me). Invoke Sandersons Second law: Weaknesses are more important than Powers.

[Robinski]

Hey Hellas! Good to have you back. So, I'm interested to read the new version to see what's changed and, since I have a memory like a sieve, my comments should be untainted by former knowledge. (All of it lost, like tears in the rain...). Without further ado, I’ll jump straight in. Summation at the end.

(...Ok, just a little bit of ado – all my detailed comments are now coded according to MRK’s espoused ABCD method. (A) = Awesome; (B) = Boring; (C) = Confusing; and (D) = Disbelief (-inducing). Now also including their nerdy classmate who nobody spoke to in high school, (G) which is for suspected Grammar/typo issue, an essential adjunct to the ABCDs!)

Just to add to the fun, I’ve pasted your aims in here so I can track them as I type. I’ll try and cross-refer back to them, unless the numbering gets silly.

1.         A tale of Overcoming personal loss and severe psychological damage.

2.         A Deconstruction of the good vs. evil story with quite a bit of grey in the middle.

3.         A large cast of unique Characters the reader can sympathise with.

4.         Main characters that are mobile and Develop as a people.

5.         Most of all, a fun, Enjoyable story.

-------------------------------------------------

(G) – "He wordlessly gestured at the macabre scene below" - 'wordlessly' is superfluous, we can see he doesn't say anything. Then you say 'lost for words' doubling up on the superfluous bit.

(C) – How is it that we knows what Lucifer's eye colours mean, but we don't know about Hellas'? Is it because we're in Lucifer's PoV? In that case it seems strange that he would remark on his own eye colour. 

(G) – "destined to wither and die" - not 'whether'

(D) – I'm not happy with the phrase "weed in the desert". Weeds are excellent adapters and thrive in the right circumstances. But how can a plant in the desert be considered a weed, when any life is pretty much a surprising thing. Conversely, if a weed existed in the desert, presumably it would only be there if it was capable of to thriving, otherwise it would not be considered a weed, but simply a plant.

So, Abaddon is the voice in Lucifer's head? It's kind of disappointing to find that out so soon, when it could have been a mystery running through the story. 

(G) – "His Vault" - I don't see any reason to capitalise 'vault'.

(G) – "Hellas grimly watched" - you have a real tendency to split the infinitive. I haven't keeping score, but I think that's a handful now. It's the old Star Trek 'to boldly go'. I think it sticks out a mile and, honestly, is not great form grammatically speaking. 

(D) – "unable to conjure any concrete proof" - you don't conjure proof, that's tampering with evidence, that is. 

(C) – To me, Hellas entered the portal first, but he may not have emerged first. Still, this would mean needing to revise the comment about Satan beating him to the portal. 

(D) – I think this was a problem the first time. I find it hard to believe that the Host don't have round-the-clock guard schedules and would therefore be alerted. I think Hellas should be questioning why the Host guards didn't raise the alarm, which they would have done under normal circumstances. I think the lack of resistance still feels contrived for story purposes. 

(G) – "leaving a trail of golden flakes of light in his wake" - awkward phrasing – it’s the double ‘of’, I think. 

(G) – “none of them had been forced to put their lives on the line in a real fight” – This sounds like they would be fighting under duress, not putting their lives at stake willingly.

(G) – “Catherine murmured to herself” – I feel that this is obvious, and therefore unnecessary.

(G) – “his wide, panicking eyes”

(G) – “His eyes were wide, the irises a pale, panicking purple. Something was wrong” – very repetitive, and the last sentence is really obvious and therefore very ‘tell-y’.

(B) – “A determined shade of steel grey had replaced the panicking amethyst irises” – Is this thing with the changing eye colour going to go on all through the story? I presume so. I must say I'm starting it find it annoying, like I have to wait to hear about the eyes colour when anyone does or says or sees anything, before the next thing happens.

(A) – “What they lacked in training or equipment they made up for in numbers, with Fallen throwing themselves at the Host with insane — and often suicidal — fervour” – Despite what I said about my memory earlier, I think that I'm more convinced about Lucifer’s attack and the numbers involved than I was the first time.

(A) – “Unlike Hellas, there was no calm in his eyes; they were jet black and furious” – I like this line. It’s not that I hate the eye thing universally – I would maybe thin it out so it has more impact when you use it, and let the reader interpret it rather than making rather obvious statements about the character’s mood.

(B) – Here’s what I mean. “Hellas recognised the pale yellow flare of surprised and the raised eyebrows” – A child knows what raised eyebrows mean, it’s the repetition and telling that are bothering me. Are you planning later to skip telling the reader someone is surprised, and just use ‘Michael’s eyes flared yellow? If not, the dialogue tags are going to be heavy with description.

(G) – “You don’t think…’ he began” – I find this ellipsis construction a bit melodramatic when used in dialogue, like I'm expecting “... the Spanish Inquisition!!!” Sorry to be flippant, but I thought the illustration would make the point.

(G) – “After everything we’ve been through together” – I guess?

(A) – “He decapitated one guard, disembowelled another and sliced a third clean in half before Lucifer had a chance to scramble to his feet” – excellent, swash that buckle! I like it. Another recollection I have from last time was that the secondary characters didn’t get much to do, if I remember correctly. This is much more like it.

(B) – “Lucifer smiled in a failed attempt to appear relaxed, nonchalant. The briefest spark of vermillion irises betrayed his anger” – awkward, and somehow strange in POV terms? The biggest thing is, once again, the telling. For contrast, consider “Lucifer smiled, but the briefest spark of vermillion belied his seeming nonchalance.” The reader is smart enough to know that red means anger.

(C) – “A group of twenty angels poured around the corner, pushing and shoving at each other in an attempt to outrun whomever was chasing them. The panicked crowd screeched to a stop when they saw him standing in their way. Their simple, workmanlike clothes were bloodied and tattered.” – So, everyone in heaven is an angel. It sounds weird hearing them acting ignobly like this.

(G) – “Obviously not the Host, Hellas thought with a silent sigh of relief.” – I suggest that if you say it’s obvious, the reader will wonder why you're bothering to tell him/her, so I would drop it.

(D) – “The panicked crowd screeched to a stop” – What? Do they have rubber tyres? I'm picturing Bugs Bunny or some such. I suppose the soles of their shoes might make a squeaking sound on the marble floor.

(A) – I like the much earlier introduction of the White Faces, I think that’s a good move. I think you could do a bit more here to make the odds seems insurmountable and make it look like Hellas is a goner for sure before pulling this unexpected card. There’s a danger of the reader thinking it comes out of nowhere, and they might call ‘cheat’, but the tension is cranked up, I think you could get away with it.

(G) – “You’re all right alright”

(A) – “The Or, forty three pillars suspended in the sky, slowly began to glow with glorious golden light” – I like the description of the city, but I (D) don’t believe the bit about speakers. This sounds like modern (human) technology. You might use the word ‘horns’, which would sound more in keeping.

(B/D) – “The events of the dream had taken place twelve years ago” – Ha-ha, well know. I am hoist by my own petard, as Billy S. would say. I got a rollicking about two months ago for a short story I wrote with ‘It was all a dream...’ as the ending. On reflection, I deserved it. If you’ve got any spare time and you’re interested enough, you could look up the comment thread on “Hold the Bridge” (Part 2) – not the Redux version, but the original. There are various comments in there on why ‘it was a dream’ was unpopular. It’s not quite the same, I suppose, because that was my ending (now altered!!). Even Hellas standing at the window drinking as he consciously recalled these events would be more convincing, I think. I'm interested to hear what others have to say on this. Maybe I'm being oversensitive.

-------------------------------------------------

Overall, I'm glad to read this again, and I think it has improved from last time. You can see my main gripes above, so I won’t repeat them. I think the dialogue could be a bit more interesting. Some of the lines sound a bit like stock phrases, compounded by the use of the ellipsis in places, I think.

I like how you've used the magic in this version, I think it’s more convincing, and there was less (I think) of Hellas ordering Michael around, which always made me feel awkward. Michael is stronger this time, I think.

Good job. I look forward to reading more.

Finally, I didn’t cross-reference after all, but to answer your questions:

1.         A tale of Overcoming personal loss and severe psychological damage. – No sense so far, maybe just a hint at the end, but that’s okay – we’re just finding our feet in the story.

2.         A Deconstruction of the good vs. evil story with quite a bit of grey in the middle. – Reasonable start on this, and I'm going to be interested to hear what new readers think of those parts.

3.         A large cast of unique Characters the reader can sympathise with. – I like Michael here, Lucifer is villainous in a fairly standard way. Catherine didn’t really get much to do.

4.         Main characters that are mobile and Develop as a people. – We shall see.

5.         Most of all, a fun, Enjoyable story. – So far so good. My gripes are more about style, and all easily fixed, I reckon.

Welcome back!

<R>

[rdpulfer]

- Lucifer feels pretty standard, but I do like the idea that he is working for someone or something else, in this case Abaddon.

-  Their conversation feels a bit trite . . . humans are worthless, join me, so on and so forth. I do like using Constantinople as a setting for this scene though.

- I'm not sure I buy that Hellas knew of Lucifer's plans for months. Even if it was his word against Lucifer's, it seems weird Hellas would sit on this information for months knowing a coup was imminent. 

-  I like the battle with Lucifer, but it does feel like an awful lot happens in one prologue. It might be better to save some of this for later unless it's absolutely critical to the plot. 

[neongrey]

I've got a pretty love-hate relationship with stuff heavily based on Abrahamic mythology; some of my favourite stories use it but it can be pretty lazy in terms of how it relies upon reader preconception. Plus, it's one of those things where it's familiar enough that being out in certain ways can cause an uncanny valley effect, or just annoy people when things are wrong. And I feel like it's pretty overdone, especially when it comes down to, say, literally playing devil's advocate. "What if the devil wasn't as bad a guy as he's made out to be" is pretty bog-standard teenage gothery and PSX-era JRPGs. 

Now, something being done before isn't a reason not to do it, but it does make things a harder sell, it makes it harder to bring something new to the area, and honestly, it does make it harder to do it right.

p.1

'smile at once enigmatic and reluctant' honestly doesn't make a whole lot of sense either from a 'what does this actually look like' sense or from an internal POV sense (since this does appear to be Lucifer's POV). Self-describing something you do yourself as enigmatic? Nah. And honestly, it's pretty telly. Then you do a hard follow up to that with 'amusement' and eh, yeah, no.

Again, I'm having trouble with basking in the sensation of hammers pounding the inside of the skull.

So far I'm kind of having trouble feeling these characters as angels just by narration and dialogue. And it's only a page in, so we'll see how it goes from here. There's not really anything particularly other about them thus far. Now, it's possible to do angels driven by effectively human motivation or emotion but it's brutally hard to do well.

p.2

So, going with 'evil is a tangible thing that exists', huh? I've got a casual interest in theodicy as addressed by fiction, so... we'll see.

Okay, the motivation we go into further down the page is put-the-book-down level of cliche. You're on really, really well-trodden ground here, so the interested reader is liable to be familiar with fiction covering the subject; you need to sell to the reader fast that you're bringing something new to the table.

p.3

This reads like fanfiction. Which is not a knock on fanfiction, I've written fanfiction, there's a lot of good stuff out there. But your dialogue reads like it's primarily informed by video games, and the actions accompanying it... you use 'retorted' as a dialogue tag twice in four paragraphs, once acompanied by an adverb. If you're doing this it's showing a lack of confidence in the actual words being used. Do you really need 'retorted defiantly' to convey a sentiment that should be done by the dialogue? You shouldn't. I'm not line-by-lineing here but I'm not seeing much in the first section on this page to like.

Going into the second section here... yeah, I am not feeling this character as an angel.

p.4

"'Cathy,' he panted. 'We were right.'

I'm out. Apologies, but this is as far as I'm going with this one.

[AuthorityHellas16]

Thanks again for the feedback everyone. I'll go sequentially again, so apologies:

Alfa:

• Thankfully, I hope that all of your issues are explained later or have been fixed.
• The explanation for the time-paradox is difficult (and not really relevant to the story), but I've used a similar method to hand-wave it as is used in Warhammer 40K; the Void (just like the Warp) has an incredibly fickle relationship with the different planes of existence, meaning that Lucifer could have popped out at any time. Like I said, it's not really important
• I've fixed the whole"Heaven is attacked and the Host is asleep" thing, which was the biggest problem with this chapter. When Hellas arrives back, the Host is already on the counterattack
• There's a plot reason that Hellas is unusually powerful 

Robinski

• Always appreciate your thorough feedback, and thanks for reading it again. You've given way too much feedback, so I'll say that it's all good and I'll take note of it
• I'll definitely have a look at your Hold the Bridge (nice plug there  )

rdpulfer

• I've tried to make Lucifer less-standard (more grey than Father-of-Lies evil) but I can work on it
• The dialogue is something I admit is hard to write. I'll work on making it less tripe
• I feel like everything here is required because the action then skips ahead a decade. I tried in an early draft to jump straight into the action but there was an inordinate amount of "as you know," which I hate

neongrey

• Sorry I couldn't hook you. Thanks for playing

[Ghando43]

Ok, so I am going to write my response before I read too many of the others and hit spoilers. I didn't read your first version of the story, so I can only judge what you have so far here. Overall, I'm hooked. It's definitely something I want to read more of. 

I looked at this story as if I were writing it myself, so I have some questions that I would ask myself if I was writing this. They aren't really meant for a response, just more to think of the story yourself. 

1: You made it seem like the attack of the city was well at hand when Hellas arrived. But it seemed the coup was meeting no resistance, or any alarms had been raised. Unless I missed something, how could such an attack get so far without anyone knowing of it yet? Not saying it can't happen, obviously it's your story and anything you want can happen. It's just a thought I had. 

2: I'm assuming that Michael is the bad chull archangel I usually think of him as, which is why Hellas went to him for help. But why did he go to Catherine first, and not Michael right off the bat? If Hellas knew what Lucifer was planning, and that he needed some strong help, why go to a smaller force first?

The rest of my opinions and questions, I will wait until I read more and have a better understanding of the storyline and setting.

I'm new to this, so I'm sorry if my thoughts are misplaced. I really like the story though, and can't wait to read more. 

[Robinski]

8 hours ago, AuthorityHellas16 said:

I'll definitely have a look at your Hold the Bridge (nice plug there  )

But don't bother reading the story, I was just meaning the comments on why 'It's was a dream...' was profoundly unsatisfying for some (most) people who read that.