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20160710 - Escapade of Silence part 5 - 5578 words - Mandamon


Mandamon

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Hello all.  Here is the last section of Escapade of Silence.

Summary:

Prot and his crew are selling spices on Sureri, not very well, when they are interrupted by a protest march.  They drive their transport through the crowd, taking care not to injure anyone, but their sales the next day are non existent.  Prot is approached by a well-dressed Sureri who leads Prot to his grand-dame, a finely dressed female Sureri of the Frente family who offers a rush job of medical supplies for an epidemic of Shudders on Methiem.  She also gives them a contact to sell the remaining spices, at a reduced rate.

Prot takes Saart and Kamuli to negotiate with the thuggish Sureriaj who hold the cargo and insist it can't be opened, while Amra sells the spices at a loss.  She gets to the warehouse just in time to help Prot get the spices loaded before a fight starts with the thugs.  They travel to the portal ground, chased by law enforcement of the Naiyul family, where only the intervention of the majus there lets them travel through the portal to Methiem.

On Methiem, they get stuck in a long line and investigated by a grumpy old customs agent, who demands to see the cargo. Prot and crew have just discovered they can't open the crates, due to some device of maji--specifically the House of Potential.  There are none around, but Prot remembers he bought the transport from an old maji of the House of Potential.  He and Saart find the majus in a junkyard.

The Maji opens the cargo and gives a warning that something is not right.  He also wants payment.  Prot and crew park outside the city, and Kamuli analyzes the medicine, finding portion of the pills from the Baldek family contain an additive that renders Methiemum sterile.  The crew debates what to do, and finally rests for the night.  They will meet with their contacts early in the morning.

Mary's "ABCD" reviewing system:
--what you think is Awesome
--What you are Bored by
--What you are Confused by
--What you Don't believe

Specific things:
Does the species "explanation" on page 7 work?
Have I fulfilled my promises?
Is the ending satisfying?
Does the title work for you?  Other suggestion are welcome.

LBLs and grammar comments are appreciated, as always.

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I'm excited for the conclusion!

Overall

I enjoyed the ending. I liked the twist, and the tension held reasonably well. The actual fight scene was a bit rougher to read, but I think could be cleaned up relatively easily.

Your Questions

Awesome

Heart....breaking....adopting...

Bored

The fight scene. I just couldn't get invested in it

Confused

Fight scene blocking

Don't believe

Detailed below. The injury of all the antagonists but not the crew is just too convenient.

Species explanation

It didn't really stick in my mind because I didn't see it pivotal to the plot. I just went back and reread it and I still am unsure what I should be getting out of it.

Promises

yes, I'd say so. I feel satisfied.

Satisfied

See above. I enjoyed the ending a great deal

Title

I don't think it fits with the narrative; either that or I missed the reference. You could go with something obvious, like One More Run, or something a little more abstract like Shipping Home.

 

As I go

- thought on the epigraph - on real transcripts, are actions indicated in parentheses? If not, it'd look more official if it was noted in the same way a normal transcription would be. If yes, I withdraw my comment

- pages 1-2: I continue to stick on Amra and Prot's relationship. Here, he treats her like a subordinate, not a lover. Not even letting her voice her complaint seems...not OK somehow

- page two: 'handcannon in each hand' just reads awkward

- end of page 3: excellent tension

- page 6: there were parts? I want more details. Describe!

- erm, so there were more than 20 antagonists against the crew. The crashing building conveniently took out almost all the antagonists but not the crew? This seems highly implausible. Too convenient.

- page 13: the potential loss of Amra's childbearing abilities would have more impact if kids had been more pivotal to her character earlier on. It still works, but I really want to feel her loss, what taking this medicine would mean for her

- aaaaand I teared up at the end when Prot suggested adopting a little girl. Right in the feels.

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Awesome feedback, kaisa!  

Interesting.  Just did a search on stage direction.  Parentheses does seem to be the accepted format.  Italics might be an acceptable alternative.  Anyone else know what is technically correct?

Good catch on the explosive not harming the crew.  I never even though of that!  Would it be more realistic if the blast went off behind or in the group of Sureriaj?  Though I do need to give the crew some splash damage.

Still struggling the the relationship and Amra vs. kids, as usual, but I'm glad the adopting part did what it was supposed to!  

Thanks again!

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45 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

Good catch on the explosive not harming the crew.  I never even though of that!  Would it be more realistic if the blast went off behind or in the group of Sureriaj?  Though I do need to give the crew some splash damage.

I think if you're going to have an explosion that takes out that many of the enemy, it has to take out a substantial portion of the crew as well, or you'd better have a solid reason why it doesn't. With as many antagonists as you describe, they'd be all over the place. For the explosion to only hurt them...at least some of them had to be near the crew. I call for at least a few crew deaths!

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Well then, here we go. I’ve picked out a couple of points as bigger ones to discuss above the line here, i.e. problematic threads (for me) that run through the whole story, not just this submission.

For instance (D) – “I would have expected Amra to be out of the wagon as soon as the fight was over.” Gives not thought at all to Amra after the wagon crashes through the door and, afterwards, his first thought is for his wounded friend. When he does think of Amra, the ‘love of his life’, it’s in a cursory way. Right now I'm thinking ‘Ditch him, girlfriend – you can do way better.’ Then “I wanted to marry this woman, have children with her.” Prosecution rests, your honour. When a woman has to get shot for a man to realise how much she matters to him is not in a good situation.

(A) – “a white bell tied to the very end of her braid chiming as she walked” – Yay!!! Well met, Rilan. Nice Easter egg for us Dissolutes! (Man, your converts need a better nickname than that!)

(D) – “And who will pay for investigating all the medicine?” – This goes again to Prot’s naivety. Surely, that’s like asking who would investigate contraband coming into the US from Cuba, for example. Clearly, the government would investigate it. Is he really that dense?

There’s a lot of ‘carping’ in this critique, but it’s all stuff that can be fixed easily in the edit, if you deem it fix-worthy. Overall, I thought the writing flowed very well. I was happy with the pacing and the action, and the premise was good too.

I think the drama could be punched up in places, but the main issues for me were (1) – not being convinced by Prot and Amra’s relationship balance; and (2) – not being at all convinced about Prot’s acumen as a seasoned trader / business man / man of the world. I felt he was just too naive / knowledgeable about certain things.

(3) – I never really felt I could differentiate one crew member from another. Do you need to have four(?) of them? If so, I think you need to risk accusations of telling by ‘lining them all up’ like the Usual Suspects and giving us the basics, like short one, tall one, skinny one; a bipedal lion and a three-legged horse, etc. And then remind us during the story of those basic characteristics. I know that’s a bit crass, but I feel like it’s needed when you have such physically different races that are not really marked out through the story.

Summation, I enjoyed it. I was very satisfied being back in the Dissolution-verse, and it made me want to go back a read Seeds of Dissolution. Good job, sir.

<R>

-------------------------------------------

(C) – “In the last five hundred cycles, more civil wars have been fought on the ten species’ homeworlds than all the wars fought between species combined” – This did not strike me as surprising, but rather seem inevitable.

(G) – “who vehemently deny the question” – I think you can deny an assertion, or refute(?) a question, but I'm not sure about denying a question. You can’t deny that a question has been asked, but you can refuse to answer it.

“Her padded feet made no noise at all as she crept off” – Awkward phrasing.

(D) – “If they’re even planning to pay us” – The fact that there is a squad of heavies waiting makes the Sureriaj seem complete inept, compounded by Prot suggestion that they might not pay. The villains do not want their plot discovered. The surest way to draw unwanted attention is a swindle the courier and create a stramash. Far better to pay up and send them on their way, unharmed an oblivious.

(D) – I’ve seen nothing to suggest that Amra would protest about being banned from participating in gun play.

(B) – “And this would keep her safe.” – Biiiig tell, and the following lines, including “She understood, even if she didn’t like it.”

(B) – “Don’t you get hurt,” she warned. “I want you in one piece after this” – My cliche-o-meter is on high alert after my last critique. The only way you get away with this line is if the batteries fall out.

(G) – “let in limited light” – This phrasing sounds off to me, it sounds like the light is limited before it reaches the dusty windows. I'm thinking more ‘limited the light entering the building’ – or similar.

(C) – “Three more men and another woman came forward to join her, just as unidentifiable as the first” – The first bit is awkwardly wordy. Also, he seemed to identify the race and origin of the first woman, so it seems she was entirely identifiable.

(D) – “it might be nine of us against the aliens instead of four” – Most of Prot’s crew are aliens, I think his xenophobia is untucked.

(B) – “Yer’ve let too much slip to our employees” – The dialogue around this part is rather tell-y.

(C) – “four more loud retorts” – I think ‘report’ is here, certainly in British use.

(G) – “another of the aliens clutched at his throat” – seems to me he is the first one to clutch his throat.

(C) – “the safety of the wagon” – relative safety, I would think, and short term.

(G) – “still keeping her face toward facing the enemy.

(D) – “Talk,” I said curtly to Yatulnath” – if his hearing is messed up, maybe he would be shouting (unnecessarily), maybe he would be shouting. Ah, wait, he is now, but not because of his hearing, I think.

(A) – “Shall I guess which is the brother” – family member roulette, ouch! Actually, this says more about Prot than anything else. Just the basis of the judgement, a brother is more important than a cousin. Ah, you explain that after I became confused.

(C) – “Any Methiemum living on the cold, dry world would deal with extreme social prejudice from the Sureriaj.” Prot’s missing the point though. In time, the relative birth rates would end up with the Sureriaj being swamped.

(D) – “He struggled to his feet fast enough to push my gun away from his head” – Struggling is not a quick thing, methinks.

(A) – Mostly, I like the dynamics/pacing of the stand-off/skirmish. Also, in this dialogue with Yatulnath, you reveal legitimate concerns and the fact that he is the hero of his own story, well done.

(D/B) – Who shot Prot? I didn’t understand that, and it also bothered me that we was put down, it felt like a plot device to make things worse or to close out the scene. What does it add?

(D) – “Her accounting side, only working with certainties” – Err, as the owner of a business employing 35 people, I can assure you that accountants do not work in this way. Part of their job is to take uncertainties and estimate the likely outcome, possibly a best and worst case, perhaps a pessimistic outcome, to allow a business to plan for the future. I think this is what Amra did by not telling Prot, so I'm not criticising the line per se, just his lack of understanding as a ‘businessman’.

(C) – “It will reduce inflammation and stabilise her metabolism until we get to the hospital” - ?

(D) – Why to the knock Prot out? Why are the operating on three people in one open surgery? Why do they let all these people in? It seems like a free-for-all, hardly the epitome of sophisticated modern medicine.

(C) – I find the scene aftermath of the surgery choppy and confusing. I think that could be tied up. Feels like there is a leap or two in there.

(D) – The events in the hospital seemed odd to me. The medical procedures random and haphazard, operating on three people in one room? And if Prot loses consciousness one more time... It feels like a device to skip boring bits of the story.

(A) – “Others knew. Even if we did nothing, this…this majus would take care of it. It wasn’t just us anymore.” – I enjoyed the palpable sense of relief of a burden shared. Ironically, I get a sense of the weight of everything coming down on Prot at this point, like a realisation now that he has a chance to absorb what has happened.

(C) – “Could you make the whole Baldek family die out” – Eh? But there’s no Shivers epidemic on Sureriaj, why would they take it? And the Baldeks know about the stuff, so they certainly would not take it. I'm confused.

(D/C) – “we can start a full-scale search for the rest of the contaminated medicine” – But we've heard already that they are already onto the bad medicine, so Prot’s crew are getting a lot more credit than perhaps they deserve. Did they really stop a war? I find that hard to believe.

(B) – “No more deliveries” – Bored is a strong word to use, but I feel like that end could have more of... something. I think this line didn’t quite land for me because I have the crew placed as traders, not just delivery men/women.

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9 hours ago, kaisa said:

Satisfied

See above. I enjoyed the ending a great deal - Yes, I was satisfied too - I think I forgot to say that!

Title

I don't think it fits with the narrative; either that or I missed the reference. I agree, Escapade sounds kind of Famous Five, heartwarming, fun adventure. You could go with something obvious, like One More Run, or something a little more abstract like Shipping Home. - Or, give it a Dissolution-verse kind of title, or not, but here are some random, quick-fire, off-the-cuff notions:

"Sureri Run"

"Spice of Life"

"Bitter Pill"

"Battlewaggon!"

:)

 

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5 hours ago, kaisa said:

I think if you're going to have an explosion that takes out that many of the enemy, it has to take out a substantial portion of the crew as well, or you'd better have a solid reason why it doesn't. With as many antagonists as you describe, they'd be all over the place. For the explosion to only hurt them...at least some of them had to be near the crew. I call for at least a few crew deaths!

I really thought Amra was going to die - it's pretty much what Prot deserves for his behaviour, but not Amra of course! Yeah, I agree with Kaisa. Two of the crew were wounded by gun shots, but no damage from the blast? Even if it hits behind the Sureri, I would want the crew to be blown around, certainly superficial cuts and bruises. How about a lost limb or two?

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Hi there Mandamon!

Looking forward to seeing how the plot pans out!

 

LBL’s & First Impressions:

·         “Amra’s eyes blazed, but she nodded.” – I still haven’t connected to Amra as a character…hopefully your revisions end up making her more likeable. I know you wanted to contrast her character with some of the crew, but I think she trumps most of the crew in importance because of her effect on Prot… I know you’re already working on/thinking about this. Here I wish she gave him something—anything other than ‘don’t you get hurt.’ She feels more like a nagging mother than his lover. It’s not the line that’s a problem…just her character never feeling like someone I wanted to root for.

·         “welder, or at least its ancestor was” – LOL J

·         “Wima coughed. Red ran down her chin” -- !!!

·         “Burping cough” – This threw me off. I’m still not sure what happened—is that a distraction noise made by Saart or just the weird noise of his gun?

·         “Thanks to Amra” – I’m not sure what she did, either, but I am glad she did something.

·         Not sure the info on Sureriaj families is necessary here since you already did your work of defining their culture so well earlier.

·         “Any Methiemum…social prejudice from the Sureriaj” – I don’t think you need this explanation, either. I’ve got WRS from getting bits of the story over the course of a month, but I can think of plenty of reasons I wouldn’t want to live on their planet…even after 3 or 4 weeks displaced from reading about it.

 

A: The pacing is always good. As you can see from LBL’s after the action scene got going I stopped looking at details at all and just wanted to read. You got me out of critique mode and into just-wanna-read mode. That’s good! J You also did a good job of making every seed you’d sewn through the story fall into place.

B: This didn’t feel like a submission that went over wordcount limit, so no complaint here!

C: Some of the wording and blocking left me confused. Pointed it out in the LBL’s.

D: This is the weakest area for me. I still don’t really believe Amra and Prot’s relationship. I do like that Amra came to help, but then when it was only to get herself shot (regardless of ‘saving’ everyone else), it took some of the steam out. It’s just like the first part when she went out selling. Every time she takes agency, it just fizzles or causes more problems for Prot.

 

The ending was satisfying and felt good, even with some of the bumpier spots along the way that I know you’re still working out. I’m not sure why you titled it Escapade of Silence, so I don’t have much of an opinion on that. It seems a neutral title to me—nothing in it inherently would draw me to pick up or pass by the title if I was looking only at words on a bookshelf.

 

Overall, this is a good story, and I’m curious to see what the revised version ends up looking like. The world felt strong and believable as always in a comfortable, familiar kind of way. I think the crew’s characterization was stronger when they were first introduced and they became a little less dinstinctive as the story went. I’ve finished the whole thing now and I can’t tell you who is who. I can remember their names: Kamuli, Bhon, Saart, but I can’t remember what they looked like or which had which personality. I mention that only because it might inform you a little when you’re deciding finer details of descriptions and so on.

 

Thanks so much for sharing and I hope some of this was helpful or informative. :)

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58 minutes ago, krystalynn03 said:

What is carping?

Seriously? Lol. The following is straight off G**gle... clearly this word was coined hundreds of years ago by someone who knew that I would be born into the world :-p

carping
ˈkɑːpɪŋ/
adjective
  1. difficult to please; critical.
    "she has silenced the carping critics with a successful debut tour"
     
     
     
Edited by Robinski
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Great feedback as usual.

@Robinski: great LBLs as usual.  I will make the easy corrections tonight.  As to the larger problems, I think everyone is at least consistent in what's not working, so I'll have a think about what to do with it.  I'm also going to send it out to some beta readers with the changes so far, to see if I've fixed some of the set-up with Prot and Amra's relationship and Prot's business acumen.  Like you say, I may need to devote a few more sentences to a line-up of the crew to get them across more concretely.

@krystalynn:  Seems like you hit on a lot of the same points (so it's not just Robinski carping about things ;-) ).  I'm glad it's consistent, at least, which gives me a target to work to.  Happy to see that you're satisfied by the end and the promises got fulfilled.  Thanks for the LBLs.  You have a knack for hitting those parts I where I need to cut out a few sentences!

Oh, and thanks for the title suggestions, everyone.  I think those are a lot closer to the heart of the story.  Now i just have to decide that, and to decide an overall name for the collection that will include this story and "The First Majus in Space."

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- It does feel a little suspicious that Prot's asking so many questions right at the top of the transaction. I think that might tell the antagonists something is up. It might be better if he fit it into his conversation somehow.

- I like subtle way the action kicks off with the firefight, with more sound rather than visual cues in the scene.

- Still having trouble following Yaltulnath's motivation - it feels too ideological rather than personal. 

- I generally like the conclusion. I could tell Amra's fertility would probably be the price they paid - it just made sense given that's what they wanted. I like the stinger for future adventures, but I'm not sure I like Prot dumping a request to adopt on Amra - does she even know what's happened to her at this point? It feels like a rushed conclusion for the characters . 

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My big notes - 

1. Prot needs to let Amra talk. He keeps shushing her and then holding up a hand when she tries to argue with her. This is very infantalizing behavior and it made me really not like him. 

That being said, I liked that she is the one who save them by means of the transport.

2. I like that Amra's fertility is messed with - it's a real emotional stab - however, it falls flat at this point in the story because Prot just sort of gets scared into realizing he might miss an opportunity with Amra. I want something much deeper here. It would be natural for many men - especially those who love their careers and don't feel ready to settle down - to feel an odd sense of relief (alongside massive guilt) that such a road is closed off. The fact that Prot doesn't feel that way doesn't automatically make me like him. You need to go deeper. Prot has to realize that this space life is STUPID. He's been wasting his time, dragging Amra all over the galaxy, getting them into messes, when he could have been an awesome dad. Some ideas to consider here:

- Have tensions exist between Amra and the best friend. Maybe Best friend is the one who dragged Prot into space and now that Amra is offering Prot an out - there's really interesting character conflict there. 

- Play on my emotions. Have Amra dote on a street kid or throw in a freaking baby.

- For most space opera style adventures, ending on the note that "we're going to settle down" is a hard sell because space operas are supposed to show how exciting it is to be a space buccaneer, but I think you have an interesting opportunity to bust that trope wide open here. 

3. The Colonel showing up again on this other planet is confusing and feels out of place.

4. Like Robinski, I felt there were too many crew members. I think you should cut down to two besides Amra and Prot. At this point, I have only the vaguest senses of their natures and descriptions. 

5. The crate not having the wrong poison is a copout. It takes away the greater stakes of the story. No, have Amra be the sacrificial lamb. It gives the story more emotional heft. 

6. The final scene where the House of Healing mage shows up is odd. It felt besides the point. The reveal that she is a council members underwhelmed. I'd rather have her storm in with a trail of aids and be a pushy jerkface - and then Prot argues for a better galaxy (and in doing so - reveals to himself what he really wants with Amra) and we get a greater sense of how this mission has changed the galaxy and we end on the personal note of Prot wanting to start a family with Amra. 

I hope this helps!!!!!

Edited by spieles
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Thanks Spieles!  Just read through the LBLs as well.  You make some good points about the ending.  Oddly enough, I did originally have the pills be the ones with the poison, but it got changed in an early edit.  

I did another read through earlier this week and caught a lot of the slow places you mention, largely thanks to the LBLs of the first couple sections.  

I especially like the ideas in #6 above.  The majus is one of the characters in my other books, but I like Prot being the one to realize what needs to be done.  Going to do some more editing this coming week...

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Oh, just another thought on Amra and getting in more feels with the kid/adoption plot line (as Kaisa also suggested). Her being a poor negotiator made me not take her seriously as a character, but if she has a problem with giving away their profits to poor children (especially street children that look eminently adoptable) that would just be ridiculously sweet, okay? Also, Prot could kind of love her for it, even as it makes him want to tear his hair out....

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Just now, spieles said:

Oh, just another thought on Amra and getting in more feels with the kid/adoption plot line (as Kaisa also suggested). Her being a poor negotiator made me not take her seriously as a character, but if she has a problem with giving away their profits to poor children (especially street children that look eminently adoptable) that would just be ridiculously sweet, okay? Also, Prot could kind of love her for it, even as it makes him want to tear his hair out....

THIS

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Yeah, and you could make her a (very) competent negotiator, but having that weakness (nice idea). Her being a good negotiator need not mean that they would be a lot more successful, as she would only be able to work with whatever cargoes Prot can scare up. Having him look more like the challenged one of the pair would raise the personal stakes (it seems to me) and make their exchanges more tense, but importantly, more balanced.

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1 hour ago, spieles said:

but if she has a problem with giving away their profits to poor children (especially street children that look eminently adoptable) that would just be ridiculously sweet, okay? Also, Prot could kind of love her for it, even as it makes him want to tear his hair out....

It IS a nice idea, and I like some of the possibilities it would introduce. A potential challenge however would be avoiding making Amra's pining (too strong?) for a little shop not seem hypocritical, when her philanthropy would be undermining it, to some degree at least.

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4 minutes ago, Robinski said:

It IS a nice idea, and I like some of the possibilities it would introduce. A potential challenge however would be avoiding making Amra's pining (too strong?) for a little shop not seem hypocritical, when her philanthropy would be undermining it, to some degree at least.

Yep, I was thinking something along those same lines.  I've already changed the relationship quite a bit, based on everyone's feedback, so I might wait until one of my beta readers (just sent this out Saturday) gives me some direction on how well it's working now.

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