July 4 2016 - Heir Chapter 10 - Spieles - 2.7k words

[spieles]

A shorter chapter. 

 

I'm already considering some larger edits on this one (and the previous) - specifically, limiting Brick's reach so that Oz is more active. I'm also considering undoing the previous chapter so that it's not the Board that convinces Oz to go incognito among the Rex but Hayden. I've gotten feedback that it is less than believable that the Board would be the ones to want Oz to go after Eleanor - whereas Hayden has every reason to want to convince him. Anyway, let me know! 

 

Curious for everyone's take on the Oz/Pascal interactions.

 

[Robinski]

All detailed comments now coded according to MRK’s espoused ABCD method! (A) Awesome; (B) Boring; (C) Confusing; (D) Disbelief; and G) Grammar/typo, (an essential adjunct to the ABCD!).

Hey, I'm first! Woo-hoo!! That's where the good news stops, I'm afraid. I can totally understand why you want to rehash this chapter.

So, I found the scene in the hospital frustrating and disengaging. I did not find his entry into the restricted ward convincing, but rather disjointed and boring (sorry!) in a man-beats-tight-security trope way. Then the conversation between Oz, Hayden and Dion happens, and reads like a cut-and-paste of things that need to happen. The fact that Dion is related to Claire goes back to my comment last time about everyone being related to everyone else. There’s no need for everyone to be connected to everyone else in this way, is there? It’s really standing out for me know.

There are various other notes in this chapter that I'm not overly enamoured with, I must say. Nothing really happens, and the dialogue therefore has to do the heavy lifting, but for me it didn’t sparkle other than in a couple of places. I guess this feels like a placeholder to me. Still, it could do quite a bit to paint the city for the reader, and sell the class divide between the pents and the rest, but I don’t think it achieves that. I’ve noted below how I feel like we’re told there is a class divide, but not shown any compelling evidence of it.

Yeesh, I seem to be providing a big fat downer this week, sorry. It’s only because I’ve been well entertained in previous weeks, but I'm not feeling it this time. I'm all for scene or chapter sequels where the pace is dialled down, but that doesn’t excuse them from being effective and entertaining, of course.

Still, I'm very keen to read next time, which I presume we will get into the bride / Project Null testing, which I am really looking forward to.

<R>

------------------------------------------------

(A) – “I feel threatened” – LOL

(G) – “I wait for the eastbound train”

(C) – “For as long I can grasp it, this is my new life” – I don’t get the sentiment. Does he mean, as long as I can stand it?

(C) – “The style is a perfect match to the painting she showed me” – I don’t think art is best described in terms of perfect matches. The style will be recognisable, of course, and the artist will do certain things in a consistent way, but they are not striving to achieve a ‘match’ with previous works, but to express some different thought or need, albeit it using the same skills.

(D) – No, the description of the painting really turns me off the description of the hospital. Who, in their right mind, would hang such a thing in the reception of an institution the function of which is to care for people, and create a confident, capable and reassuring atmosphere on arrival?

(C) – How is it that Brick can now show him where Calgary is when it could not before?

(C) – “The guy stabs both hands into his fro” – What is a ‘fro’? I don’t get what he’s doing.

(D) – The scene with the guy and the medic at the second desk fell flat for me, very contrived. Are we to believe that Brick engineered that situation? I must say, it felt clumsy, in terms of their dialogue and the all-too-convenient outcome.

(G) – “but her voice has real seer sneer? when she turns back on the guard”

(G) – I think step-mommy should be hyphenated.

(G) – “he was just out of surgery from on his leg” – I think.

(G) – “Dion is watching our exchange with too much scrutiny” – weird and awkward line, doesn’t seem to be doing anything, imho.

(C) – Are we supposed to know who Mira is?

(G) – “Pascal’s hands flail.” – To me, flail is a random, chaotic motion – is that really what she’s going? She strikes me as being a controlled person, this comes over flighty and unbalanced.

(C) – “Penton is recruiting men to fight the Rex again?” – It’s WRS, I'm sure, but I can’t remember why men don’t fight the Rex, that’s really restricting resources.

(C) – Whoa, when you start talking about Fara, I get confused by the use of the name, forgetting who it is, then it chops back between Pascal and Fara in a way that I find disorienting.

(D) – “Typical pents,” Liz sighs. “They use every opportunity to keep themselves on top.” – I'm not convinced by the class war theme. I just don’t think it’s been established effectively. People tell me about it, but I don’t feel it’s being shown.

(G) – “and we both settle in” – redundant, ‘we’ conveys that it’s both of them.

(A) – “Your new hair makes you look like an electrocution victim.” – rofl.

(B) – “but then my breathing synchronizes to hers. Time blurs, my lids grow weights and I, too, surrender to sleep” – This close to the chapter, for me, is over-complicated. Also, feels like every story has a description of someone falling asleep (mine too, I admit it!) – like it’s become a cliché.

[Robinski]

19 hours ago, spieles said:

I'm already considering some larger edits on this one (and the previous) - specifically, limiting Brick's reach so that Oz is more active. - No bad thing, I think.

 

I'm also considering undoing the previous chapter so that it's not the Board that convinces Oz to go incognito among the Rex but Hayden. I've gotten feedback that it is less than believable that the Board would be the ones to want Oz to go after Eleanor - whereas Hayden has every reason to want to convince him. Anyway, let me know!  - Hmm, I can't say I agree. I think there is something portentous about the Board sending someone in after Eleanor. Do they even want the mission to succeed? Might they sabotage it in some way? Or, don't they need Eleanor back to ensure that the resistance is as strong as it can be? For me, I think the Board pressing him to do it is good, I don't see why he needs any more motivation to go after his newly-discovered mother, based on his own earlier thoughts alone.

 

Curious for everyone's take on the Oz/Pascal interactions. - Good, but could resonate more. Ok, Katniss, Peeta and Gale are maybe an extreme examples, but why? Those relationships really pop, they resonate with emotion and have an emotional signature in terms of their tone. I feel I need something more from the exchanges between Oz and Pascal, some tension/stakes to invest in.

 

[Mandamon]

I agree with Robinski that Oz's reliance on Brick to move around does make him much less proactive.  It's all a bit deus-ex-machina.  Makes me wonder how much power Brick has.

On the board wanting Oz to go, I don't find this unbelievable.  They all know who he is and what he can do, and they're shown to be some power-hungry people.  Who better to push him to rescue his mother? 

Like Robinski, I'm not sure what the scenes at the hospital added, save that Calgary is not there.  And yes, the board's children do seem to pop up all over the place!

My biggest issue is more that I'm not aware of all the class underpinnings going on, mainly because I'm not yet sure who's who.  I guess Pascal is higher class, but not as rich as the board?  Is her aunt on the board or not?  Some more description of how this city works would be helpful.  I can't imagine that Oz would be familiar with it yet since he just arrived in the city.  Could be a good chance for some disguised infodumping...

And switching between Pascal and Fara threw me off as well.

I still enjoyed the chapter, despite some of the confusion. The pacing is still good, though Oz's time in the city is obviously a slow down from fighting rex. 

also this:
pg 10: "The backs of my eyes prickle. "
--this sounds painful.

[Eagle of the Forest Path]

39 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

...I guess Pascal is higher class, but not as rich as the board?...

Really? I placed Pascal and her family solidly into the middle class, maybe upper middle, but IMO there's too much resentment of the 'pents' (nice term, by the way. Is it based on penthouse or the name Penton?) for them to be part of the higher class.

I'm kind of confused about the painting in the hospital lobby. Is it a static image with the multiple parts that you describe next to each other? Or is it animated on a loop? The description is pretty vivid, so kudos on that, but I'm also wondering why a hospital of all places would want a mural with all of that death and decay in it. It might be a post-apocaliptic cultural thing, I guess, but when I'm looking for medical care I'd rather not be slapped in the face with such a reminder of mortality.

[kais]

Don't actually have LBLs to send you on this one this time around. Some comments though, per below.

 

The opening dragged, and I agree that making it more active would be nice. The opening with the 'I feel threatened' comment could be played a lot more for grabbing comedic effect. The comment I left on it is this: 'I would find this more amusing if Oz pashed his ping into a wall and said something about Brick being threatened, or does something silly like hits his head against a wall and says ‘now I’m threatened’  or something equally desperate/comical.'

 

I'm confused a bit as to what this chapter accomplishes. He doesn't find who he is looking for and just gets a little bit of world building with Pascal at the end. If you cut this chapter, would it affect the story as a whole? Looks like everyone is mirroring this comment, so I won't rehash it. 

 

Looking forward to next week!

 

 

[neongrey]

p.1 I think 'pounds' would be better than 'is pounding'-- like before, passive voice.

p.2 "The lobby of turner hospital' is, I think, a bit awkwardly phrased-- turner hospital's lobby, I think, would flow better. Either way, I think you want a capitalization on 'hospital' there also; you do so elsewhere.

The description of the painting comes out off, structurally; "only the for the second clam" the typo on 'the' is obvious but I think starting the sentence with 'only' is making the paragraph flow a little choppy, and I'm not entirely sure what's going on with this sentence.

For the following sentence-- I think you want 'sacs', not sacks?

p.4 toward the bottom, typo with 'real seer'

p.5 'I open the girl' the phrasing here is kind of ambiguous; I'm not 100% what you're intending here

p.6 "is not dead" I think is a little too stilted-- "isn't dead", I think would carry better impact?

p.7 "maybe it is the expression" I think it's would fit the register being used here a bit better

p. 9 I do think it's a bit odd that Pascal's aunt is taking it so much in stride, visibly, that Oz is taking this test that's locked to women only? A sudden, last-minute change is pretty suspicious-- she's writing it off as nothing more than ordinary class politics but I dunno, that might be something that should set off more alarm bells. 

Nothing else leaping out-- I think this is some pretty good groundwork; I think this one is a lot of your breadcrumbing that we should be suspicious of the board? You're back on voice here too, more or less, but there's still some points of passive voice and uncontracted words that I think correction would help focus Oz's sound. But it's a decent breather.

 

[spieles]

Thank you everyone for your brilliant edits! So you've all pretty much confirmed what I was already thinking about this chapter (and consequently the next). Uh, so to explain my latest editing plan....

The next chapter - when Oz goes to try out for Project Null - has gotten universally panned by my beta readers. It's a YA cliche. There's no innovative ideas or plot moments happening but the one crazy thing that happens is that at the end of the obstacle course, Oz is partnered with Dion and they have to fight a Rex.That Rex is Calgary - who was infected during the kitchen fight with the Rex back at the trading post.

It's a big emotional moment for Oz (and then Dion is a crappy fighter) so Hayden steps, tases Calgary, and yells at Claire Krieger for making a son fight his father and what kind of test result is it for someone to kill someone they love?

Anyway, I really like the CRAZY PERSONAL STAKES of that moment; however, the new plan is:

1. Completely cut Project Null - Oz's "test" in Chapter 3/4 is a Citizen's Test for Aurum and Eleanor wants his help when she goes south

2. Brick to be UNHELPFUL because he doesn't want Oz going into the Turner clinic - where he has limited sensors. 

3. Oz goes through the vents to get to the clinic. And then messes with the wiring on the security system to get inside. (Much more active!)

4. He finds Calgary himself.... only to realize that Calgary is not human anymore. 

5. Hayden steps in with Dion (Dion has to be there for reasons later in the book) and Hayden discovers that Oz can breathe without a mask. 

6. Previously I had the Board being the ones pushing to have Oz go undercover among the Rex, but now it's Hayden that convinces Oz to go - which makes her seem more calculating, as if she's always 10 steps ahead. 

Anyway, still hashing out the details on this but extremely curious to know everyone's thoughts.

Edited July 7, 2016 by spieles

[kais]

What is the purpose of a 'Citizen Test'? I can't really comment on it unless I understand it better, I think

I like the idea of Brick being unhelpful. I already like that 'character' and that would just add to my delight.

The vent work and wiring...yes, more active, but very cliche still. Is there another route he could use? Or be pushed to do it against his better judgement by Brick maybe?

Finding Calgary himself- YES. EMOTIONS!

Hayden stuff - this all sounds fine and plausible. I'm on board.

[spieles]

19 minutes ago, kaisa said:

What is the purpose of a 'Citizen Test'? I can't really comment on it unless I understand it better, I think. The purpose would be for him to earn an assignment in Aurum - since the city pretty much doesn't let anyone in due to limited housing. I'd need to flesh out the justification a bit more during his conversations with Eleanor and Calgary. Also, I totally love the testing tropes, LOL, and what they reveal about characters.

I like the idea of Brick being unhelpful. I already like that 'character' and that would just add to my delight. Yessss.

The vent work and wiring...yes, more active, but very cliche still. Is there another route he could use? Or be pushed to do it against his better judgement by Brick maybe? You're right. I need to make Oz's infiltration into the clinic seemingly impossible, and then use an out of the box way for him to get inside. I could always make one of Brick's robots explode... Actually, Oz rigging one of Brick's robot ancillaries would be hilarious on multiple levels. 

Finding Calgary himself- YES. EMOTIONS! Woo. Emotions!

Hayden stuff - this all sounds fine and plausible. I'm on board.Yeah, I completely cut Simone from the draft that you read so now Hayden is a major player in the Turner clinic.She knows how to run the lab on top of everything else. 

 

Edited July 7, 2016 by spieles

[rdpulfer]

- I like the computer responding to Oz's half-hearted "I feel threatened".

- "Parallel your hands" sounds a bit awkward, but that could just be m.

- I like the building suspense of Calgary's condition.

- Oz's conversation with Dion and Hayden ends pretty abruptly, even with the circumstances. 

- I like Pascal and Oz's banter.

- Overall, I found this chapter pretty engaging. I like the suspense of the story, and I'm really curious where this is all going. 

[krystalynn03]

Hey Spieles,

Looking forward to another installment!

 

LBL’s & First Impressions:

·         “I feel threatened.” “Insufficient.” – LOL

·         Mural: I like this idea, but something about the delivery felt a little bulky. I do wonder what it says about the company itself (or her mother) that they indulge and decorate with such disgusting (pardon) art. It doesn’t exactly fit with the lake scenes and calm abstracts that hospitals usually decorate with. I’m not citing this as a problem, but rather as a point of interest.

·         Hm, not sure why Brick changed its mind so quickly?

·         The flirting: the guy got a lot more description than the girl…not a problem, I just noticed that the attention seemed focused on him when I would think Oz’s attention would be better split while he’s trying to measure the whole situation. Maybe I missed something?

·         “It doesn’t beep and open.” – Oh snap.

·         Seer? Or sear like a burn?

·         Dion…and she knows him. Now I know why you biased the description toward him earlier.

·         “I’ll see you around.” – Oof. Cold.

·         Fara – This threw me. I thought it was another character. I might remember this is Pascal’s first name or something if I didn’t have WRS…

·         “Calgary is fine. A bullet is nothing for him.” – And I have a sudden premonition that Calgary is going to get converted into a Rex at some point in this book.

 

Overall:

As usual, you achieved the writer's main goal in fiction: you entertained me! I'm cool with Oz and Pascal's interactions, but I felt like all that work to get to Hayden only to get a pretty short interaction felt a little off. I liked the truncated reactions they had, though--that kind of weird relationship thing where you're not sure how to get along with someone when the setting is different from when you met. I read your thoughts at the top and do think that sounds feasible--make the adults more conservative in their risk taking and Hayden more aggressive. It suits her personality. For that matter, she might not even be actively pushing Oz to go himself but pushing him to do what he thinks he should do, putting the agency even more back in his hands and judging from his mess with the bombs at the beginning of the book, it's perfectly in his character to cook up and try to pull of something risky.

I'm just waiting to see this whole thing in print.

 

******************

And I just read your comments on the planned changes. Overall, I like. Also, I see that my Calgary premonition was right!

Edited July 10, 2016 by krystalynn03

[spieles]

On 7/9/2016 at 0:19 PM, rdpulfer said:

- I like the computer responding to Oz's half-hearted "I feel threatened".

- "Parallel your hands" sounds a bit awkward, but that could just be m.

- I like the building suspense of Calgary's condition.

- Oz's conversation with Dion and Hayden ends pretty abruptly, even with the circumstances. 

- I like Pascal and Oz's banter.

- Overall, I found this chapter pretty engaging. I like the suspense of the story, and I'm really curious where this is all going. 

Thank you! I'm glad you liked the chapter. I'm definitely going to keep parts and hack at others. The Dion/Hayden conversation, I think, adds to the Calgary suspense as you mention but could be used more effectively - so that will be in my edits.  "Parallel your hands" is sort of a weird command. 

[spieles]

On 7/10/2016 at 11:11 AM, krystalynn03 said:

You are very correct on the fate of poor Calgary. D: D: D:

As usual, you achieved the writer's main goal in fiction: you entertained me! I'm cool with Oz and Pascal's interactions, but I felt like all that work to get to Hayden only to get a pretty short interaction felt a little off. I liked the truncated reactions they had, though--that kind of weird relationship thing where you're not sure how to get along with someone when the setting is different from when you met. I read your thoughts at the top and do think that sounds feasible--make the adults more conservative in their risk taking and Hayden more aggressive. It suits her personality. For that matter, she might not even be actively pushing Oz to go himself but pushing him to do what he thinks he should do, putting the agency even more back in his hands and judging from his mess with the bombs at the beginning of the book, it's perfectly in his character to cook up and try to pull of something risky.

"Putting the agency back in his hands" - yes! Hah. Maybe I've been listening to Writing Excuses too much, but I'm like he needs to protag more. And Hayden's a really good vehicle to, as you say, push him to do what he already thinks he should do. Thank you so so much for you feedback and the line by lines, especially.