Eisenheim - Spirits Abroad pt.2 - 5047 words (some gore)

[Eisenheim]

Here is the hopefully exciting conclusion to my story. I think this will address some of the concerns about section 1's ending, which was just the best break point I could find to get things close to 5,000 words. From the first section, it looks like my biggest concerns are Davio's characterization and making the stray names and concerns feel integrated, but as always, mention whatever stands out.

[Mandamon]

pg 1: "chain burned sneaking"
--a little awkward as a swear.

Pg 1: I'm not certain how Davio determined the necromancer was Orsini.  I looked back at the last submission to see if I missed something, but Orsini just pops up in the last couple paragraphs and then suddenly is the necromancer here.

Pg 2: There's a lot of fear of Orsini and he's evidently very powetful, but his name hasn't come up before now.  I'd like to see more buildup for why everyone's so afraid of him. 

pg 4: "What new blasphemy had Orsini dared"
--are we sure that Orsini caused the wreck? What proof does Davio have?

pg 4-6: I like the handmaid of Cythere.  There are some great characters in this.

pg 6: "fully possessed by her aspect now"
--So is she literally the goddess now?  How does she act? Is the goddess present in the world?  So many worldbuilding questions!  I guess my point is that I want to see the handmaid act and talk differently when she's possessed.

pg 7: "Orsini must pay. He was without true friends in the Signori, now more than ever, after his blackmail."
--I feel like I'm missing some background that I need to know.  What blackmail, or is that WRS?

pg 8: "There it was. The accusation. Of course Torre had not shown it before. It had been his ticket to advancement, used carefully."
--Hmm...This feels too easy.  We see the ship and Davio assumes it's Orsini, but there's no real connection until after the fact, literally dropping into his hand.

pg 9: "That would explain the flash, and the difficulty placing it. Lauro Dis’Salviati had been dead two months."
--Who?  Do we know this person?  Also, if he's been dead two months, I would assume there would be some telltale signs of decomposition.
--Also, isn't "shade" usually used for incorporeal ghosts?  Lauro seems to be tangible.

pg 10: "Lauro was only a wisp, but the smoke was solid."
--This seems to say he isn't tangible, so how is he threatening Davio with a knife?
"Lauro’s sword broke on his skin, nothing more than mist and moonlight"
--Got it.  You might want to bring some hint of this forward to help with the explanation.

Overall, I liked the story itself, and the characters and descriptions are marvelous.  I like how much the city is filled with people, however the learning curve is very steep, and there are a lot of characters that seem to require more introduction.

The ending left me wanting more.  There was the "end boss" fight with the shade of Lauro, which unless I'm forgetting something, was only introduced at this point, but we're told Davio knew him.  We never even see Orsini, the brains behind the whole thing.  Why is he doing this?  How did he become one of the ruling elite while being a necromancer?  What was he trying to gain?  I would like to see a lot more of his character, if he's the villain.  Davio also tags the right villain with his first guess, which while possible, is not as exciting as it could be.

[kais]

Overall

I like the world building and flow, and the detail given is fantastic. However, I am very confused. There are so many names, and such a steep learning curve for the world that I can't really get into the characters at all. I want to be in this world, and your descriptors are very realistic and hook me hard. Fewer names and potentially fewer character interactions, at least until we get the feel for the important ones, could help a lot.

As I go

- page 5: The pages before this were a blue of names again, and I had a hard time trying to figure out what was going on. Things started solidifying again around page 5. I still love the world building, and the handmaid is a nice touch,

- page 6: black rot? Wood rots in two colors - white and brown. If it's black, he ripped off some bacterial buildup, not wood itself, or some damage by marine borers combined with bacterial sludge #woodscience

- page 11: 'lady scholar' does in no way endear me to the MC, even if it is in-character for him

 

[neongrey]

I feel like "chain burned" would work better hyphenated, but yeah, as far as fantasy swears go, I think this one's a reach. But I'm generally not a fan of them in the first place.

I did have to go back to the end of the previous to find the chain of logic that leads to the conclusion that Orsini is behind this; I think the logic could be painted a little more thoroughly. It's almost but not quite there, I think.

"do not turn our blades on the heads of the twenty" twenty should be capitalized, I think, at least every other occurence seems to be.

Around p 2, the Risorto came off somewhat more astute than this to me in the previous installment.

I'm liking this around 4, you're getting that everything all going to hell in a handbasket sense pretty well.

p.5 I think you might want 'oracular' trance rather than oracle

the handmaid is good, yeah, she has a good feel to her

The letter with the accusation, ehhhh. It's tying things up in too neat of a package, I think.

Other than that though, I think this is pretty solid; you've got a lot going on in this but I don't think it's too much, and you've got a solid feel for the general Stuff that keeps the world moving.