Eisenheim - Spirits abroad, pt. 1 - 5,521 words

[Eisenheim]

This is the first part of a novelette. I'm interested in whatever stands out. For more directed critique: Is the level of worldbuilding satisfying or do you want more or less? Do things feel appropriately tense?

[Asmodemon]

I think this first part held the tension pretty well, starting with the three monks. Them saying “a wall is broken” is very ominous. You got me with the opening. The tension did drop a bit after that as we go into Davio’s perspective where you have a lot of name dropping. At times it does feel a bit too much, but on the other hand it also feels fitting since Davio is a clerk and he shows a lot of attention to detail.

The tension picks up again when Murio visits for the second time, asking for the white swords and, at least for me, the tension stays good throughout after that.

 

Some random thoughts:

 

Clerk: Interesting that you chose the perspective of a clerk rather than the guards or clergy who have to face the spirits. I like it. Especially since Davio has to maneuver all the different parties into fixing the problem. I also like the different organizations that run around the city, like the Night School and the hints of the Nightwatch.

Chair: The chair was ready and waiting when he stepped out…is this like a palanquin or a coach or something? I’m having a hard time getting the image of an occupied chair floating through the city.

Politics: Nice and complex, the city feels like it has a lot going on.

Will help good Captain Murio to purge these shades? Missing a word here I think. Will you help good captain…

Never again will you speak to me in the fashion. This fashion?

Torre: Premonition, Torre is connected to the spirit problem. Davio has felt remarkably cold a few times in this part when Torre was near. And at the end he seems too keen to have Davio work on something other than the spirit problem. Looking forward to see if I’m right or not.

[Eisenheim]

It's a sedan chair. I'll make that clearer. They're the conveyance of choice, because, as we will learn in the second half, horses are not generally allowed on the streets of Travento.

As for a lot going on, I do hope so. I've written several stories in the setting a this point, but I try to make them all self-standing.

[neongrey]

I'm not sure about the first section with the watchmen, to be honest; it feels like it's being mysterious for the sake of being mysterious. I get the sensation of witheld information, and I mean of course you don't want to give away the farm from the get-go but I'm not so sure about how obviously you're holding back. It's ominous, but without the sensation of why that's the case, so it falls a little short.

That said right after that we go right into my jam. I'd look at the tense in the one-two-three bit in the first paragraph; I see why you used the present there but I think the past would technically be more correct.

I like Davio continuing to work in the face of this kind of news, anchoring on the mundane, and I like the paperwork jamming things up. Fantasy government really rarely feels properly governmental but I'm feeling it here.

p.4 "after a quarter of so" - should be  'or so'? 

p.6 "Davio tried to breath for a minute" - should be breathe, and probably a paragraph break before this sentence, otherwise it's obfuscating who's talking/acting here.

"... but he looked town and turned" looked down

p.11 "call back the dead, sir, they' should be sir semicolon they

I'm not super comfortable with 'girlish' being your primary descriptor for your only speaking female character. Once, i'm not thrilled, but whatever, nbd, but the second time, it starts to feel unpleasant.

Otherwise I think you're good so far, you're getting the urgency getting mired in red tape feeling across pretty well.

[Robinski]

Well, I expected nothing less than an entertaining and well-written excerpt, and it certainly is that. I enjoyed the politicking very much, but there was still enough physical action and movement in the city to keep up the pace and keep me reading.

There is a lot of information right from the off, but I was happy enough once I got past the first couple of paragraphs, which were quite an onslaught of data. The one thing that I do still struggle with is the distinction between the Night School, the Nightwatch, the White Keys and the White swords, not to mention the black custodes. The names are similar enough to create confusion which is not entirely addressed, and so leaves me with unwanted questions.

This is a fairly small quibble though, overall I was convinced by the chaotic politics of this Neapolitan setting which, for me, you painted very convincingly. The plot is entertaining, and I'm looking forward to reading more. I am hoping for more threat in the next submission and for things to get worse quite quickly. All of the characters are given something to round them as people, often simply by a single comment that gives them an immediately recognisable trait which the reader can extrapolate. If this were a novel, some might be seen as one dimensional, but it’s not, so that approach is pretty much essential (I think) and well done.

Good job.

<R>

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The single entity ‘fighting itself’ halted me, phrasing awkward.

Repetition of the word ‘trickle’ in the same paragraph.

You capitalised ‘Signors’ in the first instance, but it’s lower case on the second use.

“a cold walk along the palazzo’s balcony to look over the city” – I wasn’t keen on the walk being cold. I guess it kind of works on second reading, but at first, it seems to be a different phrasing.

“His eyes were wild as Davio had never ever seen them” – I think.

So Davio’s family name is Dacosta?

There are a lot of names and I’ve had to work to keep them straight – which I'm happy I am doing, but the Nightwatch is confusing me. It feels like a layer too far. How does it relate to the blind men, are they the Daywatch? (You know there are movies, Nightwatch and Daywatch, yes?)

“and speak with the Steward” – If it was King’s Steward, I would not mind the capitalisation, but I don’t see a need for this, he’s just referring to a steward.

“put a few particularly sensitive ones into his locked drawer” – minor detail, but you can’t put anything into a locked drawer.

“too far for his old bones” – You said that Torre also was eager for advancement. Who is the other person eager for advancement? Surely not Davio, if he is old, as stated here. He seems to have had many years to seek advancement, so why would he still be eager?

“and halted at the door of mysteries” – It’s not like me, but I was puzzled as to why you don’t capitalise Door of Mysteries, as it seems like a title for these particular doors.

“After a quarter of so,” - ?

“Davio did not recall what his name and family had been” – I'm confused in this paragraph. Is Paolo Andriotti not the Risorto? If so, did he have another name before? This feels like a layer too many for me to grasp. I don’t see how it’s relevant or necessary and so will ignore.

Again, the Steward is the Risorto? Are these things the same? I grow more confused.

“Will you help good Captain Murio to purge these shades” – grammar.

“We know that you serve only the King and his steward” – no, I'm completely lost now. Also, Steward is not capitalised here, so consistency.

“more speed than aught that we may do ourselves” – awkward.

“waited too long in the doorway before shutting it behind him” – minor point, he’s not shutting the doorway.

“After dinner, he sat with a little grappa and a book of Laurentios’ commentaries after dinner” – 2 cents.

“What are you goggling for?” – question.

“would beard Davio like this” – I don’t know this sense of the word, typo?

“Never again will you speak to me in the fashion” – this or that.

“but he looked town down and turned”

The exchange between Davio and the Risorto is especially well done, I think.

“Do it and I’ll get you what you’ve asked” – I don’t recall the Risorto asking for anything, unless you mean what he said about the Signors doing something. I would appreciate a reminder here.

“He seized a crossbow” – Davio, I presume.

“The girl disappeared from the ledge” – this sounds like she vanished in this air.

“What was a woman from one of the twenty families doing” – the woman is dead though, she’s a ghost / spirit, right? I'm confused here. The Risorto referred to the woman’s location being indicated by the smell. Was the not meaning her resting place? Davio’s thought seems to imply she’s alive.

“The Night School was the obvious answer” – yet another group? Are they different from the Night Watch?

“turned out of Butcher’s street onto the Capitol avenue” – again, why not capitalise Street, when it’s a name? I can understand avenue, because it’s not used as a name, as such.

“The Committee for Civic Maintenance met in a windowless room on the third floor of the palazzo, scarcely larger than Davio’s office. They looked at him expectantly” – I felt it just a bit jarring that the committee almost springs into life in front of Davio immediate after they are first mentioned.

Again, Night School, Nightwatch, White Swords, I'm still a bit bamboozled by all the groups.

“The Signori asks the Night School” – typo

“Wards have been broken, Scholar.” then “Enough to be of service, secretary.” – as noted before, I do find inconsistency in the capitalisation.

“He should not ask, not after her warning” – typo.

“One of the many silent services the Night School did performed / undertook to keep the dance in step.” – I suggest.

[Robinski]

I tend to agree with NeonGrey on the three blind men section. I certainly wouldn't drop it, but it almost came over as a bit overdone. I was put in mind of 'When will we three meet again...,' and once you're in that territory, it's a short skip and a jump from Shakespeare to Pratchett and the Weird Sisters!

Similarly, reference to Nightwatch did immediately send me to the Timur Bekmembetov films - don't know if anyone else went there.

 

[Mandamon]

Notes as I read:

pg 1: "Spirits are abroad"
--He must have read the title - Lol.

pg 2: "Look a moment longer, and you could not ignore the eyes:..."
--This is a great visual

pg 3: "stop straining to avoid sudden moves"
--ha.

pg 3: Murio is an awesome character.  So much that he's almost taking the focus away from Davio.

pg 4: "in front of the great statue of the Iron King enthroned."
--another cool image.

pg 5: "The next day, it seemed to be going well."
--This is really cool so far,and very tense.  But this breaks the tension for me.  Spirits are wandering about killing people, and Davio's content to wait a day for the arrogant Risorto to amble out and look at minor lawsuits?
--in fact, I wanted to skim the next couple paragraphs here describing the weather and daily life.  You've built up the tension a lot, and then Davio's just doing his everyday job, especially since it jumps back to Risorto and the spirits right afterward.

pg 6: "Spirits are bringing death to all the quarters and you think you can shuffle lines on a ledger and make it right"
--This doesn't sit right.  If Risorto figured out that the spirits were a real threat, why didn't he come earlier?  His sudden anger seems to be an overreaction.  In contrast, Davio is acting like nothing is wrong, when he was concerned before.

pg 7: "Gods below, Murio was less human than he’d realized."
--ah, Murio.  So efficient.

pg 12: "“Torre, what are you playing at."
--question mark?

Overall thoughts:
Davio is not that strong of a character, especially compared to Murio and Risorto.  However, as the others mentioned, I do like that we have a clerk as the MC.  There's a lot of internal explanation for why he does things, which is a nice touch on the surface, but I think it reads as too much telling and not enough showing, which makes his character that much weaker, especially when you've shown the other character's personalities so well.

There is a lot of worldbuilding stuffed into this.  I'm a fan of steep  earning curves (have you read my stuff...?), but there are some extranous things here that slip by even me.  It feels like this is a chapter out of a larger book, and there are a lot of references I can't get because I haven't read the rest.  The last page or so is a good example.  We've just come from a breathless chase, and Davio sits back down to work, referencing a lot of people and places we don't know and don't really care about.

I'm looking forward to the next section.  Overall, I really like this story, and the world you've painted.  I think the pacing might be a little unsteady, with heart-pounding action for one section, and then kick back in your chair and fill out some forms in triplicate the next minute.  I like the political stuff, but it almost reads as choppy.

Anyway, looking forward to the next section!

[kais]

Overall

I'm really curious about the world, but having a hard time connecting with the characters. Specifics on why detailed below. I did get ranty on the male/female balance, especially how the females are utilized initially. Some suggestions for how to fix that are below. I'd give it another chapter, certainly, because the magic intrigues me, but I'd really like a bit more internal workings from at least one of the characters. 

 

Your question

Worldbuilding: I think the world building is fine, but the character building needs some work. I'm having a hard time connecting with any of them, or keeping them straight, because I don't feel any emotional connection.

As I go

- page 1: I enjoy the intro. Mysterious

- page 1: tense changes all over the place here, and it keeps throwing me from the narrative

- page 2: due to the recent popularity of Game of Thrones, you might consider renaming the Nightwatch

- page 3: Names are starting to blur. There hasn't been an opportunity to really connect with any of the characters, nor any substantial inner monologues to give a sense of feel. There is some type of magic war going on, and a bunch of men. That's where my mind is at right now.

- first full paragraph, page 6: This whole 'be silent' thing, with necromancers, is falling flat. I want to be invested in what appears to be a rich magic world, but there is no backstory, nor is there substantial information being laid out to help me become invested. It's hard to get any tension off of broken wards and blasphemy if I don't have a context to put it in.

- page 8: Thus far, there have only been males in the narrative. A female ghost and female child are brought in to render emotion and  help the MC grow. Please reconsider this trope. Women should exist in a narrative in their own right, not simply to further emotional growth and empathy for men. The fix to this could be as simple as adding a few female pronouns to the secondary characters early on, or making someone like, say, the pageboy, a girl. 

- page 11: The introduction of Lelia is helping somewhat, although I'm wary she might be a love interest. Hoping not, since she is described often as 'girlish'.

- page 13: Is the ending line meant to evoke emotion? I feel like it is, but I'm drawing a blank. I think perhaps I missed something.