krystalynn03 Posted June 14, 2016 Report Share Posted June 14, 2016 (edited) Notes I know some people will be happy with the POV and some will wish I'd chosen the other. I did try to work in some of the things preferred in each, but if something's really not working, please let me know. Rdpulfer, I read your comments last night and toned Nate down in a couple spots. I'd like to know if that helped for you. Mandamon, your point about giving the character stronger visuals back in the forge scene was brilliant, but it's not soemthing I'm going to fix till 3rd pass, so I hope you'll bear with me for the naming conventions still being weak for now. Overall, I've always struggled really bad with this sequence because it's where the narrative shifts away from Jennie, but I still think having Roamwald POV is more exciting than having an omniscient narrator for a couple chapters. Please let me know how everything feels in general. I think ti's getting closer to what I wish this section would feel like, but I know it's not there yet and it may still be clunky in some of the content/logic since I've changed some things. For This Update:Do the character interactions make sense? Is there anything illogical or overlooked while I'm shifting focuses around? Does the POV slip anywhere? How does Nate read to you? Am I over/underdoing his character? Can you visualize well what the men are doing at the end of 19? Does it make sense? How's the pacing? What worked for you? What didn't work for you? Thanks! Edited June 14, 2016 by krystalynn03 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted June 14, 2016 Report Share Posted June 14, 2016 Per your questions: Do the character interactions make sense? Is there anything illogical or overlooked while I'm shifting focuses around? --I don't think so. But the size of Roamwald makes the humans seem really ridiculous for thinking they can hold him in any way. Does the POV slip anywhere? --I didn't see any places How does Nate read to you? Am I over/underdoing his character? --I'm not sure what his place is in town, so this reads as someone in a position of power. Is he the local smith or innkeeper? I'm still not completely sold on no one believing Roamwald, even though he has gone to great pains to hurt no one. Can you visualize well what the men are doing at the end of 19? Does it make sense? --I didn't have a problem. Seems very Gulliver's travels. How's the pacing? --Still good. The reveal at the end of 18 changes things quite a bit, and leaves me with more questions. What worked for you? --good visuals, and after reading this next part, I'm even more certain this should be in Roamwald's POV. What didn't work for you? --As I said above, not completely sold on the paranoia. Shouldn't there be maybe one person saying "is he really the same as a snatcher" besides Jennie? --Also, would the chains around his neck hold him? If he sat up, wouldn't he just pull whatever they're attached to out of the ground? Notes while reading: pg 3: "Start Mr. White here. Or Mr. Crow there on the end.” --missing word pg 6: Aha...these are the last humans? That brings things into a new light. pg 13: "thought he saw the oil paper in an upper window tear bigger." --not sure what this means. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
krystalynn03 Posted June 14, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 14, 2016 5 hours ago, Mandamon said: But the size of Roamwald makes the humans seem really ridiculous for thinking they can hold him in any way. Did this bother you on a narrative level? Like push you out of the story level? Going meta here: Roamwald knows they can't hold him, and the villagers know they can't hold him. The only reason any of this is happening is because Roamwald is allowing it to happen. Nate knows they can't hold him, hence his false bravado and exaggerated actions to compensate for it. Meta over: So, was there enough evidence on page to lead to the conclusions I listed above? If not, I need to work on that... 5 hours ago, Mandamon said: Is he the local smith or innkeeper? I'm still not completely sold on no one believing Roamwald, even though he has gone to great pains to hurt no one. Yes. I don't know if you read the chapter at the forge house? He's both the local blacksmith and the militia leader--not that they ever need it (until now). They're too small to have anything akin to a police or justice system, so if there needs to be an intervention of some sort, Nate's usually the one heading up the posse. No one believing: You mean after Will (Jennie's father) left? He was defending Roamwald to some degree until he left with Jennie and Hanna. If you think it feels unnatural in Chapter 19 (and you're not just oversighting Will), then I can certainly see about making the mens' actions there a bit more nuanced. 5 hours ago, Mandamon said: Shouldn't there be maybe one person saying "is he really the same as a snatcher" besides Jennie? This is the comment that makes me wonder if you overlooked Will or not? 5 hours ago, Mandamon said: f he sat up, wouldn't he just pull whatever they're attached to out of the ground? Spoiler If he sits up hard, it'll gag him in the throat. If he sits up hard enough, he can pull free, tearing up the stump and wide root system with it, but it'll hurt a lot. Think about how soft and tender your neck is and how close to the surface the trachea and all that biological business is. All of your thoughts are hitting on exactly the kind of stuff I had doubts about. Thank you so much for reading and critting! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted June 15, 2016 Report Share Posted June 15, 2016 I think Roamwald's size and people not defending him are tied together. No, I wasn't overlooking Will--I meant some else taking up the cry after he left. I did read the chapter at the forge house, which is why I was thinking Nate was a leader of some sort. Probably weekly reader syndrome, though the new character visuals you were talking about will help to cement his character, especially for someone as important as Nate. If he's shown as charismatic enough, I can believe the rest following after him with fewer objections. On Roamwald's size, again I'm thinking Gulliver's travels (which is the nearest thing to this story I can think of). Gulliver could have hurt a lot of the Lilliputians, but their overwhelming numbers captured him. Here, Roamwald is giving himself up, but there are so few humans, I think that's where their false bravado is taking me out a little--there's not enough of them to even think of really capturing him. The picture comes to mind. There's a lot of people. Not to say this can't work, just my observations. Others might have different opinions. On pulling out of the ground, I was thinking more of a slow pull/situp from Roamwald. I've done enough martial arts to know you can tense your neck with enough preparation to prevent some effects of choking. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
krystalynn03 Posted June 15, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2016 Hey Mandamon, Double thanks for clarifying. I wanted to make sure I was considering the right problems. I've always felt like this is one of the lumpiest parts of the narrative and I want to keep pushing it into a better form of itself. The throwback to Gulliver is purposeful; that was the first book I ever bought (a kids' version) from a school book fair, and I was always disappointed that the people didn't do more stuff as a kid reading it. I'm not a 17th century British satirist, so that's about where the comparisons end, though, as far as content and style go. In previous versions (ones without the chain--that's a recent change), I had more of the town there faster. Maybe I didn't convey that enough in this iteration to heighten the anxiety. In fact, if I have Nate and the other men letting their guard down some with him in the middle of chapter 19, then balance is reached again if everybody who's just now showing up is freaking out. Ah-ha! Again, something you've pointed out has pushed me to come up with a better fix than what I had. Thanks, Mandamon, as always! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted June 16, 2016 Report Share Posted June 16, 2016 Awesome! Glad to help. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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