13/06/16 Reading Excuses Kammererite Festival of Olena Part 3 of 4 (V,D) ~3,500

[Kammererite]

Here is a place for your comments. 

 

All comments and feedback are welcome; however i have one point i would like input on in particular.

Does the Tavern scene feel to contrived and/or coincidental?

 

Cheers and thanks for reading.

[kais]

I just sent you LBLs in the form of Track Changes in a Word document, focusing on grammar. As I Go comments in there, too.

Overall, I couldn't get invested in this chapter. It didn't seem to move, even in the action scenes. The lack of emotion and introspection from the MC made me feel like an outsider looking in. The tavern scene did seem simply like a plot device. MC should have to work to get the information, not just drop some cash on the table.

On the plus side, your grammar is getting better, your comma splices fewer, and your redundant adjectives are only sporadically rearing their heads. Nice!

[Robinski]

I like the pace of events, but some of those events left my unconvinced. Plots beats seem to happen very easily. Without any significant effort, Kang just stumbles across people willing to blurt out the information he needs to progress. I really don’t feel any threat, or doubt that everything will fall into place.

Also, I have a new device. It’s called a ‘Grammar Blocker’ and means I can read through and not be tempted to comment on the numerous issues.

<R>

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“brightly glowing silastone tumbling from the bag” – I don’t remember what this is, should I? Also, if this is payment or even if not, it seems a very blatant signing point straight to the perpetrators, like they left a business card on the body.

“I have found evidence that she was framed” – Hmm, modern expression. I just think such things harm the tone of a story that is a world away from ours.

“Lady Forneli gasps and stops in her tracks. “Was he really. That is troubling news. Takok you need to change out security measure. I always thought there was something off about that man” – Her reaction reads like bad acting. Either she is complicit or watches too many soap operas.

“Sor Kangalak, I am afraid I do not understand what this has to do with me and my chiefdom.” – I presume.

“My head throbs painfully.” – Why? What causes this?

“It wouldn’t hurt for you to embarrass them at such a critical vote.” How would they embarrass the other house? If they are rivals, voting against them would be no surprise, and voting with them would be... dumb, but not embarrassing. I don’t follow the logic here.

“I told you Kipk was lying. There is no way you can hire an assassin in a tavern” – This is the second time Kang has just stood in the street and people have told him key plot information. If you went into a bar to hire an assassin, would you speak out loud about it in the street? Rather bizarre, I think, and too convenient.

“brightly pulsing silastone” – So, this is money, but what is its value? In less sophisticated times, money had its own intrinsic value, i.e. gold, silver, etc. before it became a token backed by central banks in modern times. But here, what can you do with a silastone that makes it desirable?

The bartender spills the beans really easily. Okay, he’s getting paid, but he doesn’t know that Aspik (love the name, btw) is dead, and yet he doesn’t fear any reprisal or even blink for an instant.

“Why would she take such a serious risk just to remove Lumi from the conclave” – But the old guy who got killed was going to the conclave. Did he die just to frame Lumi? Surely, they could have been removing him from the conclave too.

“picking up the greasy rocks” – Is this supposed to be the coal? I wouldn’t call coal ‘rocks’ – it’s not rock, clearly.

“Shut her up, but don’t kill her. She said no killing” – another pair of smooth operators, willing to blab about who sent them.

“Thanks for the save” – modern expression, bleuch.

“I say pulling off my soiled clock” – ROFL.

I can’t believe they start discussing laundry at the end of the section. Why is this interesting?

Nice end to the chapter, I like the lift line cutting and the shock that people are stranded / cut off in some way, even if it don’t fully understand the blocking of who is where and cut off from what. Is Kang up or down from Lumi now?

 

[Robinski]

4 hours ago, kaisa said:

On the plus side, your grammar is getting better, your comma splices fewer, and your redundant adjectives are only sporadically rearing their heads. Nice!

However, can we agree, Kaisa, that there are still a lot of the wrong words, missing words and typos etc.?

 

[kais]

5 hours ago, Robinski said:

However, can we agree, Kaisa, that there are still a lot of the wrong words, missing words and typos etc.?

 

Yes, we can. I was trying to help mitigate the bleeding Word document I sent via e-mail, wherein I may have subjected almost every sentence to a Track Change.

[Kammererite]

Thanks so much for reading Kasia and Robinski. And thanks for the line by lines they will be a big help. I currently (have been all week) out east getting set up for a move, but i will reply to the comments in more full next week (and get critiquing again). I already have a few things in mind for some changes that i will make to keep the tension higher. 

Cheers. 

[krystalynn03]

Hey Kammererite,

 

Glad you had time to submit this week!

 

LBL’s (minus grammar) and First Impressions:

·         Sweating—At first I thought he was getting sick…but he’s suffering from withdrawals, isn’t he?

·         Why does the coppery scent mak him gag?

·         “Ella can you stay here” – I need to know who’s talking. I assume Kang, but you changed paragraph…

·         “Vindicator” – I’m still not really clear on Kang’s background as a character. For the most part that’s cool because of the pacing of the story and it doesn’t bother me, but here I wish I’d gotten a little more info.

·         “Good day, Sor Kangalak” – I didn’t really follow the logic that he was accusing/suspecting her until the conversation was almost over.

·         Bartender: Does it have to be a bartender? I like that the MC is staving off addiction problems with alcohol—that feels very real and interesting, but the bartender paid off for knowledge bit deflates the interest for me because it’s just so overdone.

·         Attack sequence: I like the imagery you give us, but I found myself skimming this bit because at this point in the story I want to feel like the stakes are higher. The action moved well though.

·         Ending: This is a good high end point, but I still wanted a little more.

 

Overall:

This reads at a similar pace to the last two vials, but there weren’t any parts where I felt quite so confused as I did when reading previous segments. Although I’m happy to let some tropes of the genre slip by and not fuss over them being more heavily constructed than they are, I’m starting to wish I had more personal investment in Kang. I believe him as a character (not much in vial 1, but in 2 and 3 yes), but even though the stakes are rising in the basic plot, I wish things were rising for him on a more personal level, something coming to a head, you know? Like his addiction or legitimate threat to Lumi, or fall out or surprise of some sort?

Thanks for submitting and I look forward to the next one!

(And good luck with your move!)

[spieles]

Good pacing. I really liked Rakella's hardcore fighting skills with magic later in the chapter. You're definitely plowing us straight ahead with plot which is good. My only big comment is that you could add in more sensory detail and show us more facial expressions, etc., so that we have a better sense of the characters' internal struggle.

p. 23 "makes my stomach crawl" - I associate a stomach crawling with fear or anxiety - but I think what you're really going for her is flat out disgust - so I might say "makes my stomach clench" or "I have to jerk away" or "I want to plug my nostrils" - something that more clearly show us disgust. 

p.25 I'd like a little more description on how the stones affect him. Are they cold or hot or do they send a frisson of energy up his arm or are they draining - do they call upon any of his sense? That sort of thing. The way magic affects us is one of my favorite story aspects in fantasy - so I'm going to encourage you in this.

p. 26 I would like stronger descriptions of the Chieftess and giant in copper armor. Late, I think when you say the "blond mountain" you are describing the giant - but he'd never been described as having light colored hair so I wasn't certain. 

p. 26-27 I didn't get a sense of the Chieftess's growing anger and offense during the conversation - I'd like her facial expression to give the reader more clues. Maybe some false smiles. Maybe her giant steps forward at her side, but this time she doesn't call him back. Her tone could change, dropping in tenor or even sharpening to a hiss, etc.

p. 27 "hexagonal buildings" is getting a bit overused as a descriptor. You could use others, such as cookie cutter, geometric, or patterned, etc. 

p. 28 "Smoke, honey and rimeberries..." This paragraph had so much blocking that it read as very choppy. If you could break it up with more sensory detail and descriptions that would help, I think.

p. 30 When Rakella shows up outside the tavern, it feels out of the blue. Even saying "as planned." I was wondering whether it was coincidence or she followed him or it was an appointment.

p. 31 Have we heard of the Never-ending Horn free House? It's not self explanatory...?

p. 32 When the attacker takes a hit from Kang - it doesn't seem to make much sense that he would try "to stem his bleeding in the nose." If someone punched me in the face, a little blood would be the least of my concern - I'd either be fighting or in full flight.

p. 35 I do not remember what the conclave was? Is it the jail? Or a court house or temple? Just a little reminder would be good here.

I hope that helps. I'm eager to find out how the story ends.