20160612 - Escapade of Silence part 2 - 5275 words - Mandamon

[Mandamon]

Hi all,
Last time on Escapade of Silence:
Prot and his crew take on a rush job for their merchant transport, meaning they had to sell their current cargo to make room.  This time they meet with their contact to pick up the new cargo.

UPDATEs:
1) The crew now know from early on that the cargo is medicine for an epidemic on Methiem.
2) I'm planning to put more description of their transport earlier on, but see if it's clearer in this section.  Also, I've changed terminology from "wagon" to "transport."

What I'm looking for
Mary's "ABCD" reviewing system:
--what you think is Awesome
--What you are Bored by
--What you are Confused by
--What you Don't believe

Specific things:
Is the Sureri dialogue readable/believable?
Is there enough/too much description of the universe?

LBLs and grammar comments are also welcome.  Also, very slightly over the 5000 word limit, but it does complete the first section.

[Eagle of the Forest Path]

In general, I like the story, and I hope to read the rest of it soon.

 

The Sureri dialogue is eminently readable, and it is passably believable.

The only (small) issue I have is that, compared to the vocabulary they use at first, there are some rather big words toward the end of the dialogue. "Viable" instead of "Good" and such.

 

For me, the amount of background on the universe is just right (now I only have to watch out for the 3 bears coming home, or possibly 3 Festuour).

 

LBLs

p1 -"worse inhabitable land", should probably be "least inhabitable land"

 

p5 -"wasn't no longer certain", double negative. Should be either "was no longer certain" or "wasn't certain any more/longer"

-"I need the money to move it."

 

p8 -18 hours, no more and no less. Why not less? I'd think the sooner the better.

-that "messing the floor" insult is pure gold!

 

p11 you need a full stop after "shop on Methiem"

[kais]

Overall

Hmmm. I feel like the writing is straddling two distinct styles, and it keeps throwing me out of the narrative. You intersperse world building with talking and movement, but neither gets particularly developed, and it comes out choppy. This could be personal preference, but you have so many neat world building starts that don't keep going, that it actually makes me skim dialogue and action to 'finish the story' as it were.

The pace of this chapter was much better than the last, but I think could still be sped up just a bit. I was expecting some more tension, or some action, somewhere in there. The crates stuff was GREAT, and it would have been nice to have another follow up convo about that between the protag and his gf. Their interaction really helps me 'settle' into the narrative, but I am drawn more to personal relationships more than anything in writing.

I'm definitely still interested, I just want more when you start giving dialogue or world building, instead of chopping it into little bits. But again, this might just be personal style.

 

Your Questions 

Awesome

The reaction to the potential of opening the crates

Bored

The constant new species and names introductions. Too. Much. Brain. Overload.

Confused

Same as above

Don't believe

Still doing well here.

Alien Dialogue

Is hard to read, yes, but not so hard that I stop. It does give some flavor, and I am enjoying it

Description

I'd rather you pick one or two things each chapter to really focus on, instead of the multiple short snippets that get me interested then don't deliver.

 

As I go

- page 1: I wonder what the rest of Sureri looks like, too, with that comment

- page 2: no love lost between these two species why?

- page 2: I'm curious about Trader's Tongue, and would love to know more about it

- page 6: I like the reaction to opening the crates. Tension begins to build here

- page 10: couldn't wait to get off the xenophobic planet - this would be better to show, extensively, than state

- page 12: there are just too many species and names at this point. I can't remember them at all. Might consider slower introductions if you want them to stick in our minds

- page 15: I'd love more argument between the protag and his love interest. It helps develop their characters more than just about anything else, and grounds the story

[krystalynn03]

Hey Mandamon! Glad you could submit again this week.

 

LBL’s & First Impressions:

·         “generally isolationist” – You did a good job already with making this clear about their culture. Probably don’t need to remind the reader here.

·         “very large amount of money” – I wanted parallelism here.  “a very large amount of money in a very short amount of time”

·         “skeletons of shelving” – nice metaphor

·         “eyah” “yer” – This isn’t kind of accent I associate with musical.

·         “faces as ugly to my species” – seems like you’re missing the other half of that comparison?

·         ‘that fuzzy” – Enjoying the race tensions you’re setting up.

·         Considering the amount of time the MC spends reacting to that whistle, I had to wonder why Bhon did it for a lot of sentences until I got my answer. Felt a little disjointed there.

·         I like the detail about merchant circles. Made me feel like the MC’s really a trader.

·         “wasn’t no longer” –double negative typo

·         “Fuzz” “StepUp” – Like the invented drug names

·         “cousins of some sort” – I kind of want some comment here about whether offworlders can identify familial likeness. Off topic, but just a thought.

·         “yer ken” – ken…that’s a very Scottish word to know. I’m starting to be bothered that these aliens are pulling off an increasingly Scottish style accent unless it’s that way because they primarily talk to Scots. Otherwise, if this is supposed to represent the accent of their alien language influencing English, then I’m moving this into the not believable category.

·         Surreptitiously—secretly? Stealthily? How is he sneakily wiping his palm? I mean, he can, but it pushed me out of the narrative.

·         “It cut down on the bickering” – Nice comic relief after the suspense

·         “Tell me you didn’t lie!”  -- And the tension is back up!

·         “The Sureriaj were family oriented, each family doubling as a government” – That first half of the sentence is really hitting the reader over the head with that info. I suggest you cut straight to the government bit.

·         “without selling the spices” – Oh, I hope this comes to a head between Amra and Prot later…

·         “war over trading” – I’m not sure how important this was to your universe, but I wished it was something other than trading to make it feel like there are other people in the universe beyond traders right now.

·         “I shouldn’t push you” – Gosh, that was a fast turnaround.

·         “It felt good to be home” – A little disappointed everything went so smoothly. I thought when he got the receipt that he couldn’t read that it might be leading to unforeseen trouble. No complaint on the writing—just different from where my hopes as a reader were going as I went.

 

Overall, this installment was much easier to follow than the first. (This seems to be a trend among everyone’s submissions.) I liked that your story still has good pacing, even if the last segment (no blow up over the lie and no foul-up in the portal fell a little flat for me.

I think you’re balancing world-building well, although the paragraph where you described the waiting line with all the races did leave me feeling a little blank since I couldn’t picture the aliens well beyond their noted sizes.

 

[neongrey]

Page 9 "Yes comma the contract seems"

Page 11 "The breaks, dear" sort of feels like a mismatch with veiled panic. That 'dear' pulls most of the urgency away.

Page 12-- fewer ties, not less ties. Also, the bit 'some individual Sureriaj...' bit feels framed a little out of step with the prior stuff. I think 'a few' would feel better?

Around 14-15, I feel like Amra stops being angry far too easily over this, but the initial lie that set off the fight makes me like Prot as a person a lot less. That last isn't necessarily a flaw on your end; I see the sort of character it's establishing and it's fine for what you're doing, I just very much dislike that particular sort of character, lol. Either way, she crumbles too easily, I think.

15 "started with us a just the"

The last couple pages feel sort of like they go on a bit long to me, about the maji, and I really don't love the 'needed the money more/wanted to travel' thing there, specifically dropping to 'want' gives it a selfish feel. This may be intentional.

The Sureri dialogue reads fairly well to me, though I do also agree that the dialectual choices you're making don't necessarily map to 'musical' in my head. 

Otherwise this flows pretty fluidly; not my bag so much but I'm liking what you're doing well enough. I'll be curious to see what's actually in those crates (because of course it's not medicine; it's never medicine).

[Mandamon]

Thanks all for the excellent replies!  I'm already making corrections to the first section and this is helping me generate some great ideas.  I'm trying to keep this to about 25k words, but with all the excellent suggestions it may end up being a little longer...

@Eagle: Time to complete the contract.  This involves scheduling a transfer between worlds, which is explained later in this submission.  But if you're wondering about it earlier, I may need to move that piece forward.

@Kaisa: Skipping between worldbuilding and dialogue.  Yes, this is somewhat a style choice on my part to keep up the tension but still keep you wanting more on worldbuilding.  However, if it's distracting, then it's too much.  I'll see if I can make it flow a little better.  Great notes as you go as well.  That will help me clear some things up.

@Krystalynn: Great comments.  I'll work to incorporate those corrections and suggestions.
Tension on the argument and the portal.  Yep.  I thought the argument was too easy myself, and several of you commented on it.  I need to keep the tension up on that.  I actually didn't realize I had made a "promise" on the danger of portals, so I'll go back and either lessen it, or follow through differently.

@Neongrey: Thanks for reading, even if this isn't your usual!  You also caught the argument let down, and I agree I need to ramp this part up more.  Amra would give in eventually, but I think I cut it off too soon.  Wanting to travel is somewhat selfish and deliberate, but I think this needs bigger buildup earlier to be effective.  Hope to keep you guessing on what's in the crates!
 

[Robinski]

[Brace yourself..., it's chunky :)]

 

Very readable submission, I expected nothing less, but I do have some issues. Let’s call them gripes.

Gripe No.1: The biggest is with Prot and his naivety. I think it’s way too late for him to be questioning the cargo.

Gripe No.2: Amra is way too accommodating to his position. The phrases she uses are so submissive it’s actually a bit painful. If it’s in character, then her character is too weak for me. I think Prot needs more of a foil.

Gripe No.3: I find the Sureriaj accent anything but musical, rather harsh, hence my tour of Scotland trying to place it.

Gripe No.4: The gangsters cave too easily for me. I thought that was a missed opportunity to take another hundred fifty words and crank up the tension.

However, I love being back on a portal ground and your line about the wagon spanning the distance between homeworlds is just perfect. And there’s a Benish – awesome.

I know the submission break point is probably artificial, but I really did expect a twist at the end, things getting worse, you know?

Some typos and quibbles below the line. Good job, looking forward to more.

<R>

---------------------------------------------------------------

“this evening with enough to money to buy a small storefront” – This doesn’t sound like the eye-popping payout he was describing earlier. I dare say a shop-front is very expensive, but the reader isn’t equipped to judge that, methinks.

“the worse least inhabitable land”

“It had a musical accent” – I don’t think the accent would provide speech with musicality, I think it would come from the individual’s tone, no doubt determined by the physical parameters of their larynx, and their chosen style of delivery. I think accent is learned by osmosis from many years of absorbing received pronunciation. Also, for me, ‘yer’ doesn’t suggest musical, I think it suggests coarseness.

“the seller assured me the cargo wasn’t illegal or dangerous” – is he that naive? Bhon asks a question that I think I would have expected Prot to ask himself, and therefore possibly his client, before taking the job.

“with faces regarded as ugly to by my species” – this read to me like being told by someone else to find a species ugly.

“Yer did not know if of it?” – I'm put in mind of the wee gangster in Zootropolis, and his most particular form of speech.

“Don’t want any o’ this gettin’ lost before it gets to ‘em” – I must admit I struggle to read this very clipped speech. If I was given the choice, I’d choose a dialled-back version.

“Now be off with yer and yer ilk, and pack these crates up nice-like” – the packing and the being off seem to be the wrong way round.

“I would have Amra check their paperwork later” – Hmm, if someone gave you a bit of paper, would you not even glance at it? I guess everyone’s different.

“their pistols could even fire more than once before being reloaded” – This takes me back, way back, to a critique question long ago – I think it was my first read through of what is now First Majus in Space, where a question arose about the level of weapons tech in the Dissolutionverse. They have developed spaceships, but not repeating handguns. So, Bhon is toting the equivalent of a flintlock? I toil somewhat with that.

“Me family leader did nae specify what to pay yer now” – Are the Sureriaj Glaswegian?

“I wasn’t was no longer certain” – No rust, Sherlock. He really does seem naive.

“I need the money to move it”

“I will have ter inform me benefactor, yer ken” – Okay, not Glaswegian, maybe Aberdonians or Fifers.

“Oh, this was too easy. Never send a thug to negotiate with a merchant” – I struggle to buy lines like this from Prot, when he has been so trusting to date. And the negotiation seems too easy, the counter offer comes back too quickly for me.

“Threats on a medicine run? What was in those crates? ” See, by this point and before, you've really kind of lost me on Prot’s credibility as a shrewd operator. Thus, these doubts feel far too late.

“If me or me familymates” – lol, great word.

“Frente…Masnaith, I am” – It’s Yoda in disguise!!

“the quicker we got the rest of our money” – suggestion for clarity.

“There was a wheeze and the tube above Amra and my heads began speaking as well” – How many heads does Prot have and why are they speaking at this point?

“driving through a populated city at top speed” – I thought they had speed limits – would this not attract unwanted attention?

“You could have turned this down when you saw the payoff was too big” – The phrase too big’ bothered me.

“I made my hands relax their grip on my chair” – awkward phrasing, I'm trying myself to get away from these awkward constructs for more elegant, shorter forms, like ‘I relaxed my grip on the chair.’

“smushfruit” – Awesome, I want some! Are these big like melons or smaller like papayas? Also, I thought that they were stationary in the queue, now they are speeding towards a stationary cart? Also, I didn’t like the use of cart (noun) and cart (verb) together.

“I pushed away the impending feeling of impending doom” – if the feeling is impending, it hasn’t arrived, therefore he cannot push it away. (Captain Pedant got busted back down to lieutenant recently for an incorrect comment on NeonGrey’s use of ‘bimonthly’, but I think this will get him his third pip back – or second bar in US Army parlance.)

“Not quite as unique as mine” – Naaaaarggghh – it’s unique or it’s not, surely.

“There was even one lone Benish, standing rooted to the spot like a particularly gnarled anthropomorphic tree. It carried an immense bag in one hand” – Yay, long time no see.

“The disgraced Naiyul had less fewer ties”

“Every majus I had seen was rich as a king and thought themselves better than anyone else” – I feel like I’ve met someone like this before...

“had been designed to pass through the portals between worlds created by the maji” – sounds like the maji made the worlds, and this “They were only used once, more than twenty five cycles ago” reads like it’s the portals, not the vehicle, I think.

“That’s war for you.” – great line.

“bought it for a song-and-a-half at a junk yard” – I tripped over the original version, so suggest this for flow.

“Of course, any ordinance ordnance was long gone”

“We both stopped, watching each other”

“Amra was silent, but I could see agreement in her face” – I think she is waaay too accommodating here, very meek. “You need to travel, honey. We’ll do whatever you want.” Not convinced.

Top of Page 16. He’s complained about the cost already, this feels repetitive.

“travel without taxation” – It’s not taxation, it’s paying a price for a service. Prot should be more savvy than this, I think.

“I tried not to think about the two halves of the transport separated by the distances between homeworlds” – awesome line, love it.

 

[Robinski]

I can see there is some comment about the species and the names. Obvs, I'm pre-soaked in these elements. If I was new to the Dissolution-verse, this would bug the heck out of me.

 

[Mandamon]

Great comments as usual, Robinksi!

Gripe 1: I'm addressing this already in the rewrite, so Prot will become far more competent about taking unknown merchandise from strangers

Gripe 2: Agree completely (and so does everyone else).  This will get punched up.

Gripe 3: I think this is one of those places where I just need to take out the word "musical" and let people form their own opinion.  On the accent, I was going for a brogue in general, but obviously not one dialect exactly--not to say I am familiar enough with Scottish accents.  I guess the main question is whether it works as a whole, or just bugs the heck out of you for being made of different pieces.

Gripe 4: Good point on the gangsters.  I'm planning to make things a lot more tense in the rewrite.

Submission break: This is actually the end of the first section of the book.  Since both you and  Krystalynn  caught this, sounds like I need to punch it up more here as well.

New and old readers: glad you're not confused about the species, at least.  So I need to add some more description to make sure new readers don't get lost.

Thanks as always for the typos and quibbles!  I wil absorb them...

 

 

 

[krystalynn03]

I'm looking forward to the next installment!

[Mandamon]

So...I've pretty much completely rewritten the first section, based on all the comments.  I'll probably do a pretty big rewrite of the second submission as well.  I'm wondering whether it's better to repost the first sections, or keep moving on.  My first instinct is to keep the story going, and add in a big disclamer with the changes I've made.  I'd rather get first reactions to the whole story than second reactions to the beginning, and I really want the reactions to the ending.  I'll probably just include the whole (edited) thing in the Alpha Readers site when I send it out to Beta readers.

[Robinski]

I'd rather continue reading the story, personally, since I'm reading it as much as a fan as a critic.

[krystalynn03]

I'm always in favor of finishing a thing first. You never know what content you'll put in toward the end that might cause even more revisions later. Otherwise, you might repeat the revision cycle more than you would have had to. Maybe. Just thoughts.

[Mandamon]

19 minutes ago, krystalynn03 said:

I'm always in favor of finishing a thing first. You never know what content you'll put in toward the end that might cause even more revisions later. Otherwise, you might repeat the revision cycle more than you would have had to. Maybe. Just thoughts.

Yup.  Basically the same thing I was thinking.  

[Mandamon]

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

I'd rather continue reading the story, personally, since I'm reading it as much as a fan as a critic.

So...you're basically getting two stories for one! (depending on how much I change) ;-)

[Robinski]

2 hours ago, Mandamon said:

So...you're basically getting two stories for one! (depending on how much I change) ;-)

And you get double the griping, so everyone wins!!

 

[Mandamon]

15 hours ago, Robinski said:

And you get double the griping, so everyone wins!!

 

Lol...I'll take it!