neongrey Posted June 6, 2016 Report Share Posted June 6, 2016 Previously: The city of Ilidria's living goddess is dead, and seventeen-year-old Lasila Vahendra's only living family must leave in order to assist with peace talks. Lasila attends the display of the goddess' body, and finds herself ushered into the presence of a priestess of some rank named Maranthe. Lasila is invited to celebrate the rise of the new goddess, but is concerned she has no means to make herself presentable or acquire the necessary mask. Maranthe offers to handle that matter, and leaves Lasila with an odd sentiment: masked, all children of Ilidria are equals. Now: Lasila makes arrangements with her brother for the event and learns unpleasant news about her future prospects. Varinen presents a well-intentioned gift to her. This is by and large the last where Lasila spares a *lot* of thought on her initial financial situation (but she is, ultimately, a businesswoman; money is important to her). I'm not terribly concerned if the banking stuff is accurate to real world stuff, but I am concerned if it's believable. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted June 6, 2016 Report Share Posted June 6, 2016 We meet again, neongrey. I'm holding strong to my 'ship, despite the apparent age difference. Thus, I read with eternal hope. General This chapter falls flat for me after the last one. Tension was building in the last chapter, also intrigue. This chapter presents as another world building chapter, with yet more financial stuff. The writing style changed, too, from flowery description to a more matter-of-fact style. At the end of this chapter I am left wanting our MC to hurry back to the goddess stuff, and to stop mucking about at home with her brother. I'm still really interested, but I'd love to see this chapter add meat to the story, instead of financial information. The statue she visits, the story, that was interesting. It would have worked better with maybe a convo with someone that told a different side of the story, or a broken piece of the statue causing some questions, or something of the like. Just something to give the reader an air of mystery before the banking starts. As I go - I'd like to plead for double spaced subs. Single spacing is hard to deal with on anything other than a large screen. - I'm still having a hard time with Varinen. Is he a character I'm supposed to empathize with or get behind? Right now he reads pretty flat and I don't find myself too engaged with his convos with his sister - page 1: she wasn't demure by nature? She has come off pretty demure thus far. Is she acting in front of her brother? I've read her as pretty passive thus far, so if she doesn't see herself that way, that could make for some interesting interplays - Shrine of the sleeping god statue. Has this been described before? The line 'effigy of a woman a god had once loved' is intriguing, but I get no visual. - second paragraph, page 2: I'm confused. What happened? The God was evil and then when he went to sleep, the woman turned good? Other way around? The text is confusing me. - "No more did the beloved daughters of Ilidria ride to war. Instead their fathers, brothers, husbands kept them safe from all that might harm them." This explains SO MUCH. Is there any way to get this in earlier? Inscribed on a statue that MC reads? Said to her by someone? - page 3: why is Lasila suddenly feeling reassured? Because a kind of creeper priest was demeaning a little? I'm unclear here - page 3: Hit that, Varinen! - page 4: bimonthly for shorter months? Wouldn't it be prorated for short months? - page 5: suggest 'refinancing' instead of 'renegotiating' in terms of loans. If the interest rate is low, refinancing works. If interest rate is high, refinancing wouldn't work, but consolidation would. If she has many, separate loans, she could save big bank by consolidating. If she is working on a variable interest rate, and the interest rates are going up, she should totes lock in a fixed rate. That would also save money in the long run - page 6: more thoughts on this financial stuff. Is there a reason you have gone into such depth on her financial situation? The section in this chapter with her at the bank could easily be moved into dialogue with her brother in the first chapter. As it stands, it is taking up so much narrative space that, unless the narrative is going to rely heavily on financial transactions / economy issues, it seems superfluous. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neongrey Posted June 7, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 7, 2016 (edited) Since the prevailing preference here seems to be no linespace with an indent but I write with the line break, tell you what I can do; I'll toss you a link to the gdocs folder I toss these things up into as I finish them. There's some caveats (mostly that as I go through deleting the line spaces I inevitably catch a typo or two) and I need to update some nomenclature before I do, but I'll PM you with the link in a day or two. The thing really with Varinen is that his relationship to Lasila is that of a twenty-nine year old brother who's the primary caretaker of a seventeen-year-old and only has been for about two years. So it's awkward and a bit strained and she has very little conception of him as a whole person but there's certainly a genuine affection going on there. He's gone by the end of five and doesn't physically appear again within the book, but he's got a certain shadow he casts. The lover had been possessed by a fire demon; once it was dismissed from her, the not-yet-sleeping god fell in love with her. The trouble with working this stuff in earlier is that prior to this pretty much all the exposition is detailing fairly plot-critical information and this... well, isn't, so much. It's probably possible to adjust her walk some in the first chapter that I could find a way to work it in, but ultimately what's important is that there are limitations on women which are relaxing because of wartime shortfalls, and not quite so much the reactionary politics of a very long time ago that caused it. It's still important to know that this is a consequence of reaction to tragedy and not 'the way it has always been' but that's sort of why it waits a little bit to get in there. Lasila is reassured because of what she says, and because she lied through her teeth to a priest without batting an eyelash or without him apparently suspecting a thing. Varinen can do better. Bimonthly is a calendar thing; there are two pairs of half-months around the summer/fall winter/spring seasonal changes. So the first of every month except for the second of the paired months. Adult Lasila is somewhat of an archcapitalist pigdog. I'm pulling her away from accounting in particular (which is what the original plan was) because of a certain other book (lol) and into something else but no, while Lasila's attention's about to be diverted elsewhere for a while, the focus on the financials isn't random exposition, it's plot. Edited June 7, 2016 by neongrey 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted June 7, 2016 Report Share Posted June 7, 2016 I'm again with kaisa on this one (this seems to be a trend...). I was not thrilled by this chapter, as it was mostly financial talk. Reminds me a little of Charles Stross' Neptune's Brood, which I liked least of his books. Most of the plot deals with missing spreadsheets and accounting. Notes as I read: pg 1: "mean time" -> meantime pg 1: Varinen comes across as kind of whiny. "Why can't I do the things I want?" I'm not that engaged with his character, as he's not really doing anything useful. pg 1/2: There's a long stretch on detailing the mythology of the Sleeping God here which seems out of place. I started skimming, even though I really like mythology. I don't know why we need to know any of this yet. pg 4: "smoothe down her skirts" --I see Jordan's influence peeking through... pg 5: Getting bored with the accounting discussion. pg 6: The kitten. OK, but why? Just seems a strange inclusion. I don't particularly have a problem with it, but the way it's situated at the end of the chapter gives more importance to it than I assume it will have in the story. Maybe not. Not too much happening this time around, and lots of manual labor and housekeeping discussion, which isn't terribly interesting. I want to get back to the ball, the goddess, and the priestess! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neongrey Posted June 7, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 7, 2016 (edited) pg 1: Varinen comes across as kind of whiny. "Why can't I do the things I want?" I'm not that engaged with his character, as he's not really doing anything useful. This strikes me as an interesting point of POV here, because tbh stripping away the way Lasila's painting the situation, she's being incredibly petty on this. But she's painting a very pretty picture of her being in the right. And if you're buying into her version of things that's fine and not necessarily unintentional, but I think it's definitely a sign here that I should find a way to move up the other POV. Because if there's one thing that's critical here, it's that there really can't be any suggestion that there's much in the way of authorial agreement with Lasila. Whether he should be wasting so much time trying to persuade a stubborn seventeen-year-old who uses guilt trips like a hammer that this is a good idea is another thing entirely. pg 6: The kitten. OK, but why? Just seems a strange inclusion. I don't particularly have a problem with it, but the way it's situated at the end of the chapter gives more importance to it than I assume it will have in the story. Maybe not. Well, you know what they say about assumptions... Edited June 7, 2016 by neongrey 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted June 8, 2016 Report Share Posted June 8, 2016 Having got into the story now, I was looking forward to this submission, and I was not disappointed. It’s not brimming with rip-roaring action, tension and suspense (yet) and I like that change of pace. I like that we’re not dealing with the fate of the world in this story (yet, anyway), but the things at stake are making a viable living, retaining family status, passing exams – these are real things and no less important in the context of one person. I'm enjoying this. One point, I'm starting to struggle with Varinen’s demeanour. Maybe he’s just this way around Lasila, but he’s very timid. I can’t imagine him being very effective as a bodyguard. Also, he doesn’t seem very bright. It could have been worse, he could have got her a dog, which would need more feed, but the kitten will still need to be fed, because it hasn’t learned to hunt – at least it won’t eat all that much, but surely this is still a daft thing for him to do. As I not scrutinise Varinen’s parts more closely, his tone of voice seems rather prissy – which you’ve given an explanation for in this submission, so I guess that’s consistent, but I'm now starting to question the picture of him that I have as a bodyguard. I'm not saying I disagree, I'm saying I would have like more about him earlier on, when he first appeared so that I don’t form the wrong impression. Still on board and looking forward to the next submission. <R> ----------------------------------------------------------- “I'm no more a Senator's son than you are” – When you are referring to a generic senator, I believe it should be small ‘s’, with capital ‘S’ reserved for when it’s the title of a particular senator. See, you do it here “contemplated the effigy of a woman a god had once loved.” “Oh, Lissa,” – This is the third instance of using an ‘oh’ or an ‘ah’ with the character’s name in addressing the other. Once I can live with, but people don’t really speak like this – it sounds completely melodramatic, in a bad way (for me). “But she had been possessed, by a terrible fire-demon, and once it had been purged of her, she repented of her wicked ways. The God himself-- not yet sleeping, of course-- had been impressed by the purity of her untarnished spirit, and brought her to sit by his side” – If she was possessed, then it was hardly her fault – so she didn’t actually have wicked ways, it was the possession. I find this description confused. “The priest bent forward at her just slightly, head lowering just so” – awkward wording. “It was patently untrue” – Maybe she is overstating it, but she made a comment earlier to Varinen to something like this effect, that she didn’t want him to go, so is this not partly true? “Stay strong, sweet thing” – This sounds a bit too much like ‘sweet thang’ to me, it seemed an odd phrase for a priest to use, even though I'm sure it was genuinely meant. “she felt confident managing on her own” – Why, what changed in those few minutes? “pallid little wisp” – Awesome phrase – love it. “Does he at least talk about things besides swords?” – lol. “I suppose that would have been a deal-breaker” – modern expression, breaks my immersion in the setting. “A senator's brother would be a bit much for such as you or I. Right now, anyway. You and he aren't...?” – I don’t understand what she’s saying here. How would it be a bit much? I see you are also revealing here where Varinen’s proclivities lie – fair enough – I think that worked quite well. It would have been better if it wasn’t sitting next to a comment that I don’t understand. “Tell me, do you think we have enough water to spare on another pot of tea?” – I just love this line. Lines like this, which are woven through the narrative, just cement the tone of the story for me, and do more than a paragraph of exposition to define Lissa’s character. “It was almost a relief to hear a precise honorific for once” – Here’s another one – this really appeals to my own rather fussy sense of, well.... everything! “Lasila was taken off-guard by the notion that the bank was putting women in charge of accounts” – lol, and she is totally sexist too, a nice wrinkle. “She'd find out soon enough, at any rate.” – I think I mentioned it last time. Phrases like these are totally superfluous, in my view, they just add word content and nothing else. ‘Bimonthly’ means twice per month. Why would there be two payments in the shorter months, would it not be the long months? I'm a bit puzzled by the economics of the situation. I thought Varinen’s assignment was quite prestigious, and yet he doesn’t seem to be getting paid a great deal. Presumably, he would be supported by the state on his travels, so doesn’t really need any money himself. Also, seems like she would have a much easier time if she just got a job. I know she has other priorities, and you do mention that she needs to take training in certain things, but presumably, if she worked in the bank for example, her training would be on-the-job. I’ll reserve judgement here, but I remain to be convinced of the economics of her situation. “Oh, bother,” – This line is weak, for me, and there is the appearance of ‘oh’ again, which sounds like something you would hear in a kids show twenty years ago. I think a more grown-up expression is called for. Even ‘bother’ on its own would be better. ‘Confound it’, ‘dash it all’, I don’t know. “The alternative would have been going to the bank with a pair of buckets, and she certainly couldn't let herself be seen like that.” – lol. “I'm not fool enough to argue with a cat.” – lol. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted June 8, 2016 Report Share Posted June 8, 2016 I'm again with kaisa on this one (this seems to be a trend...). I was not thrilled by this chapter, as it was mostly financial talk. Alas, Mandamon, I remember the days when we used to agree on everything, but you've got a new critique buddy now... ;op As those who have read my earlier work (Rutland Blacklake - that's you, Man!) know, I'm always up for some minutiae! I'll champion this brave new genre of spreadsheet fiction!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Asmodemon Posted June 8, 2016 Report Share Posted June 8, 2016 Like the last chapter there isn’t a lot going on here and that is hurting the story for me, as I’m kind of losing interest. Your main character Lasila is rather passive and she doesn’t really have any pressing worries that make me connect with this character. Lasila’s worries: Finances: The impression that is being raised is that her family has money trouble, but she has a house, clothes, food on the table, and from the financial talks in this chapter it appears that her money situation isn’t that bad. She has enough money for food, she can get water from a well, and she has a little spending money too. So even if she worries, I as a reader don’t. Varinen: She’s worried for her brother when he leaves, but so far he’s still there and not likely to leave any time soon. So this too is not really something that I care about. Future: She’s worried she won’t find a proper husband to secure her future and her family’s, but she’s still young, not even an adult in this world. The concern here then is ephemeral and not pressing. The result, for me, is a passive character who goes through the motions but has no pressing needs, and per chapter goes from place to place so we as the reader get introduced to these places. Financial consultation: At this point in the story I don’t really care for Lasila’s financial woes, especially since there don’t appear to be any of a pressing nature. That voids the tension in this front. Mythology: While the history behind the Sleeping God is interesting this is not the right place for it. Do we need to know this right now? I don’t get the impression that it’s necessary, rather, I’d more expect it in the last chapter when she went to the funeral of the goddess. Here though it is too info-dumpy when what I’m really looking for is for the story to pick up. Sweet thing: Creepy priest is creepy. Was this your intent? Because if not you might want to change that. Kitten: An odd gift when your sister is concerned about her finances, but I’ll roll with it for now. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neongrey Posted June 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2016 (edited) Having got into the story now, I was looking forward to this submission, and I was not disappointed. It’s not brimming with rip-roaring action, tension and suspense (yet) and I like that change of pace.I like that we’re not dealing with the fate of the world in this story (yet, anyway), but the things at stake are making a viable living, retaining family status, passing exams – these are real things and no less important in the context of one person. I'm enjoying this.Yeah, this is a little bit where I am at with this; I think there might be some misplaced expectations in re subgenre here? This is definitely neither epic nor heroic, nor am is it my intention to bill it as such. While I'm definitely planning to look over pacing in this pre-party section, to my eyes, we've got a fair lot going on-- we're looking full in the face of what is ultimately a primary antagonist for Lasila, an entrenched social order that pretty much wants her to be an object to be protected, one that originates from those worst of places: that of basically meaning well. From there we go into basically a chilling vision of a future that she refuses wholeheartedly, ie, stuck in a closet in a bank; we're also pretty much presented with the outright fact that if she were content to sit back and wait she'd basically have nothing to worry about, but her situation basically precludes any sort of ambitious plan for herself whatsoever. And she refuses. She just doesn't know how to get there yet.Lasila's a lot of things, but it's pretty much always coming down to the almighty dollar for her, in the end. So to speak. And this chapter basically presents her hard rejection of just falling into line.One point, I'm starting to struggle with Varinen’s demeanour. Maybe he’s just this way around Lasila, but he’s very timid. I can’t imagine him being very effective as a bodyguard. Also, he doesn’t seem very bright. It could have been worse, he could have got her a dog, which would need more feed, but the kitten will still need to be fed, because it hasn’t learned to hunt – at least it won’t eat all that much, but surely this is still a daft thing for him to do.As I not scrutinise Varinen’s parts more closely, his tone of voice seems rather prissy – which you’ve given an explanation for in this submission, so I guess that’s consistent, but I'm now starting to question the picture of him that I have as a bodyguard. I'm not saying I disagree, I'm saying I would have like more about him earlier on, when he first appeared so that I don’t form the wrong impression.By and large Lasila doesn't have that confidence in him, and this is a point of contention he is politely ignoring out of the awareness that this distresses her quite a lot. But it certainly comes through in her POV.The cat is... he means well, and he'd like her to feel better, but he really doesn't understand her.“I'm no more a Senator's son than you are” – When you are referring to a generic senator, I believe it should be small ‘s’, with capital ‘S’ reserved for when it’s the title of a particular senator. See, you do it here “contemplated the effigy of a woman a god had once loved.”Yeah, fair cop, though I've used this form a fair bit later on. I'll see about cleaning it up.“Stay strong, sweet thing” – This sounds a bit too much like ‘sweet thang’ to me, it seemed an odd phrase for a priest to use, even though I'm sure it was genuinely meant.Yeah, that part is probably laying it on a little thick, and is unnecessary to convey Lasila's overt antipathy for this particular god's faithful.“she felt confident managing on her own” – Why, what changed in those few minutes?She certainly considers not batting an eyelash in the face of a situation she considers unpleasant to be a significant skill.“A senator's brother would be a bit much for such as you or I. Right now, anyway. You and he aren't...?” – I don’t understand what she’s saying here. How would it be a bit much? I see you are also revealing here where Varinen’s proclivities lie – fair enough – I think that worked quite well. It would have been better if it wasn’t sitting next to a comment that I don’t understand.There's some very hard social stratification-- I've touched on it a bit earlier, and more of the nitty-gritty in re how marriages are negotiated comes up when it's more relevant later but a permanent arrangement is not meaningfully possible here.“It was almost a relief to hear a precise honorific for once” – Here’s another one – this really appeals to my own rather fussy sense of, well.... everything!Haha, be careful what you wish for, because those honorifics come hard and fast next time. I've got a chart but I'm also silently gauging if my tactic of 'explain it the first time then just go' is working, which thus far it seems to be. But next time we're liable to have trouble.“Lasila was taken off-guard by the notion that the bank was putting women in charge of accounts” – lol, and she is totally sexist too, a nice wrinkle.She's a lot of unpleasant things but here it's that it's still genuinely uncommon. ‘Bimonthly’ means twice per month. Why would there be two payments in the shorter months, would it not be the long months?I'm a bit puzzled by the economics of the situation. I thought Varinen’s assignment was quite prestigious, and yet he doesn’t seem to be getting paid a great deal. Presumably, he would be supported by the state on his travels, so doesn’t really need any money himself. Also, seems like she would have a much easier time if she just got a job. I know she has other priorities, and you do mention that she needs to take training in certain things, but presumably, if she worked in the bank for example, her training would be on-the-job. I’ll reserve judgement here, but I remain to be convinced of the economics of her situation.Bimonthly is also the word for every other month; I did check before using it. It's just a weird word like that.Varinen is, as stated earlier, a civil servant, and while his specific position is one that's socially acceptable for, say, unwed senators' relatives, he's basically come up on a hard limit as to what his position can actually do for him.Lasila is a minor, and even if she and Varinen both believe she's capable of taking care of herself, that's certainly something in her way. And certainly, she would have a much easier go of things if she was willing to settle and work in a closet on basically dead accounts. <p> Varinen: She’s worried for her brother when he leaves, but so far he’s still there and not likely to leave any time soon. So this too is not really something that I care about.?? He's leaving in two weeks from the end of the first chapter and this is said outright. He's not in the next and he's gone at the end of five. <p> Future: She’s worried she won’t find a proper husband to secure her future and her family’s, but she’s still young, not even an adult in this world. The concern here then is ephemeral and not pressing.Certainly, if she were willing to just wait on things, everything would be much easier for her.Like I dunno here, is the objection both that she's too passive and that she's not willing to wait for things to settle themselves? Because it is very much the point that if she were willing to sit back and do nothing everything would be fine. But fine is very much not acceptable. Mythology: While the history behind the Sleeping God is interesting this is not the right place for it. Do we need to know this right now? I don’t get the impression that it’s necessary, rather, I’d more expect it in the last chapter when she went to the funeral of the goddess. Here though it is too info-dumpy when what I’m really looking for is for the story to pick up.Well, it's a different god, with a different faith, and a different priesthood, which is established in 2. It's fairly important to have it here if only because that followed by the bank pretty strongly lays out the path of least resistance for Lasila, which she's rejecting here.Sweet thing: Creepy priest is creepy. Was this your intent? Because if not you might want to change that.As above, laid on a bit thick but certainly Lasila does not care for this one bit. Edited June 8, 2016 by neongrey 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neongrey Posted June 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2016 Like I wanna be clear that I am not brushing any of this off because there are definitely issues here but it's pretty much always going to have a lot on Lasila going "this much money would absolutely be fine but no" right down into a moral cesspit. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Asmodemon Posted June 8, 2016 Report Share Posted June 8, 2016 ?? He's leaving in two weeks from the end of the first chapter and this is said outright. He's not in the next and he's gone at the end of five. ... Certainly, if she were willing to just wait on things, everything would be much easier for her.Like I dunno here, is the objection both that she's too passive and that she's not willing to wait for things to settle themselves? Because it is very much the point that if she were willing to sit back and do nothing everything would be fine. But fine is very much not acceptable. The point I was trying to make is that to me nothing that Lasila currently worries about is all that pressing. In the last three chapters she's just been living her life and it doesn't appear that there is anything that is going to change her comfortable routine. The fact that it feels like a comfortable routine is my biggest concern. Case in point, her worries about Varinen. She worries about what is going to happen to him in two weeks when he leaves, but given the pace of the chapters so far I got the impression he was going to stick around for several more chapters at least. So for the time being he'd still be part of her comfortable routine. She also has enough money to keep up her present lifestyle. Again that's part of her comfortable routine. She worried about not getting an escort, then Varinen arranges one. She worried about being blessed, so the priest blesses her. What I'm trying to say is that things feel too easy. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neongrey Posted June 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2016 Fair enough, and if the routine is seeming sufficient I see what you're getting at a lot more now. Because the point very much is that she's fine but she isn't willing to take "fine". 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted June 8, 2016 Report Share Posted June 8, 2016 Bimonthly is also the word for every other month; I did check before using it. It's just a weird word like that. Yes, absolutely right of course. This was a winning combination of me not reading just reference properly and then misspeaking into the bargain. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neongrey Posted June 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2016 (edited) Yeah, for my ref, I think bringing in the other pov earlier than halfway through 5 will help make it clear that a) there is quite a lot more going on already than Lasila knows to surmise there is a vast amount of cultural reserve at play in Lasila's pov. She will still need rejiggering but that both should do the job I need, I hope. Thanks! e: yeah, bringing them in earlier will also help sell this scene here in 11 a bit harder because otherwise this bit will seem somewhat toothless Edited June 8, 2016 by neongrey 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdpulfer Posted June 11, 2016 Report Share Posted June 11, 2016 - You can probably lose the line about Lasila being demure by nature - this is something better shown to the audience via her actions and reasoning for her wardrobe rather directly told to them. - Make sure you bring the backstory of the Sleeping God and his lady through Lasila's eyes - this will make it feel less like an infodump. - I do really like Lasila, and how her personality contrasts her traditional settings. - i think you do a good job of setting up the financial situation - it seems realistic given her station yet gives her enough motivation to get involved. - I'm definitely interested to see what happens next, especially if the pacing improves in future chapters. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spieles Posted June 27, 2016 Report Share Posted June 27, 2016 I like that Varinen comforts Lasila but I don't like his explanation for why he can't go with her - concrete reasons such as their not having enough money for a suit would be one thing OR he wants to set her up with someone as a political connection - but we already know it's dangerous for her to walk around the city alone - so his response made me think he was very self-centered (though you might want that?). Anyway, just giving you my reactions... Varinen leaned against the back of his chair and sighed. "Oh, Lissa, I wish you wouldn't fight me on this," he said. "I know your ambitions. Do you think I have none of my own? Do you think I have any better chance at them than this escort? What this celebration to the goddess is to you-- can't you believe this is the same to me?" Yeah, like rdpuffer, the "demure by nature" didn't work as well for me. I agree it's better shown. I like the story of the aelin and the beloved and the fire god - and the consequences of the war with women being more protected - but I found myself rereading a lot in these paragraph. I feel like the story could be tightened a bit or revealed in smaller doses. The key thing now is the " Masked, all children of Ilidria are equals." I'm a little confused on her interaction with the priest. It almost felt like he was making a sexual advance on her - but then it was all fine and by the book. Not sure if you meant it to come across that way. Heh. I like her prying into her brother's dating life. I'm partially intrigued, partially confused about women's position in this society still - especially when Lasila reacts to the bank account manager being female. The conversation with Ilena could be cut down to the main point: if she needs to take out money to fund her education - there's no good way to do so. I think you should consider cutting the following as it doesn't add to the plot and I really found it hard not to skim: Lasila lingered in the bank's front lobby a bit longer than she really needed to, enjoying the cool air before braving the heat outside. There were enough people coming and going to make watching them interesting; she made a game of guessing their standing just from how they dressed and carried themselves. The richest and the poorest were easy enough-- not that there were many of either here, but there was some challenge in differentiating members of the merchant classes from artisans. The finer distinctions beyond that were trickier still. It was just dawdling, though, and she steeled herself for dealing with the walk home. She'd need to carry water today, which meant even more time going back and forth. The alternative would have been going to the bank with a pair of buckets, and she certainly couldn't let herself be seen like that. Better to change while she was at home, too; she didn't want to flood this dress with sweat. It was presentable, after all. No, she'd wear her usual dress for fetching water, one that had been nice enough once, but was fading some and a bit tight at the chest and elbows. Of course, she'd have to wash extra tomorrow, but that wouldn't be a terrible bother. It would be more time to think, as if she didn't have plenty of that already. She still had to visit this dressmaker for this event at the temple, after all. Perhaps digging up some of her family's old contacts in the mean time. Or unpacking the books her mother had been teaching her from before she'd died. Lasila didn't think much of her odds at teaching herself, but it would be better than nothing if it came to that. OMG you added a kitten. LOL. Who doesn't love kittens? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted June 27, 2016 Report Share Posted June 27, 2016 4 hours ago, spieles said: OMG you added a kitten. LOL. Who doesn't love kittens? Goldfish? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spieles Posted June 27, 2016 Report Share Posted June 27, 2016 1 hour ago, Robinski said: Goldfish? This is true, but goldfish are terribly boring, so... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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