30/05/16 Kammererite-Festival of Olena Sub 2 of 4 (V,D,G*)

[Kammererite]

Hi all,

Here is a place for your comments. 

 

Grammar warning again. Hopefully its better then the last, but I swear every time I edit it gets worse.

 

All comments welcome as always. Thanks for reading in advance.

 

[kais]

I do appreciate the grammar warning. I am thusly prepared to dive in! (P.S. - if you ever want LBL edits to help with the grammar, let me know. I can do them just as easily in Track Changes, then send you the doc back via e-mail)

 

Overall

I waiver on this submission. I like the principle idea, but the delivery was mostly dialogue with little descriptors. I also didn't get a sense of voice at all. The scenes change quite a bit, without a lot of time or description of any. It left me with reader whiplash, craving more information and becoming less and less interested in the story the farther it progressed. I think your premise is strong, but the execution could use some work. And grammar, of course, is an issue, but that can be easily repaired.

 

As I go:

- second to last paragraph on page two is getting adjective heavy.

- page three: in these climbing scenes, I'm having a hard time connecting. It's hard to do a climbing scene well. You might want to check out Wolfwalker by Tara K. Harper. Her climbing scenes are utterly breathless, and really give reader chills. You might be able to pick some language from there that helps add urgency to these pages.

- page 4: Lumi's description of what happens is... hard to read. You're spending time on blocking that doesn't need to be blocked, and leaving out blocking that would help. For instance, instead of all the privy blocking, just say "as I came from the privy", then expand about where and how the blood was found.

- page 5: if the guy was bundled in a long cloak, how does she know how much damage she did?

- page 7: I started skimming here, and had to go back and reread. The flow is jumping, and I need more cementing within each scene to make me want to be engaged with it. For instance, you throw in a word like 'grimories', which is very interesting and immediately makes me mind go to 'Wicked'. Talk more about this stuff. Lay the groundwork. Just dropping neat words isn't enough. I want to know their place, their history. I want to be immersed in this world.

- Is there a purpose to the non-standard spellings? 'Wytch' instead of 'witch', etc.

- page 11: the stomach wound reveal would be more compelling if done through descriptive showing. Have the guy come in favoring a side, or holding a tray far away from his midsection. Draw suspicion. Have him brush against the edge of a high-backed chair with his front and wince, drop something. THEN have the dialogue. Build it up for tension.

- page 12: poor polar bear rug. I hope they have a killer taxidermist 

[Kammererite]

Thanks for reading. some comment on your comments.

I do appreciate the grammar warning. I am thusly prepared to dive in! (P.S. - if you ever want LBL edits to help with the grammar, let me know. I can do them just as easily in Track Changes, then send you the doc back via e-mail)

This would be extremely helpful. Thanks 

 

Overall

I waiver on this submission. I like the principle idea, but the delivery was mostly dialogue with little descriptors. I also didn't get a sense of voice at all. The scenes change quite a bit, without a lot of time or description of any. It left me with reader whiplash, craving more information and becoming less and less interested in the story the farther it progressed. I think your premise is strong, but the execution could use some work. And grammar, of course, is an issue, but that can be easily repaired.

Thanks. The right balance of description is something i battle with,  

 

As I go:

- second to last paragraph on page two is getting adjective heavy.

Noted

 

- page three: in these climbing scenes, I'm having a hard time connecting. It's hard to do a climbing scene well. You might want to check out Wolfwalker by Tara K. Harper. Her climbing scenes are utterly breathless, and really give reader chills. You might be able to pick some language from there that helps add urgency to these pages.

-Thanks, ill look into it.  

 

- page 4: Lumi's description of what happens is... hard to read. You're spending time on blocking that doesn't need to be blocked, and leaving out blocking that would help. For instance, instead of all the privy blocking, just say "as I came from the privy", then expand about where and how the blood was found.

-Good to know. ill put that down to discovery writing but its no excuses for not fixing it in the edit.

 

- page 5: if the guy was bundled in a long cloak, how does she know how much damage she did?

I was going with the length of the blade,to the approximate area of the thrust. Might simplify that line. 

 

- page 7: I started skimming here, and had to go back and reread. The flow is jumping, and I need more cementing within each scene to make me want to be engaged with it. For instance, you throw in a word like 'grimories', which is very interesting and immediately makes me mind go to 'Wicked'. Talk more about this stuff. Lay the groundwork. Just dropping neat words isn't enough. I want to know their place, their history. I want to be immersed in this world.

Good ideas. i'll have to brainstorm how to do this with out over building/bloating the story. 

 

- Is there a purpose to the non-standard spellings? 'Wytch' instead of 'witch', etc.

I like the letter "y". yes it is a bad excuse.

 

- page 11: the stomach wound reveal would be more compelling if done through descriptive showing. Have the guy come in favoring a side, or holding a tray far away from his midsection. Draw suspicion. Have him brush against the edge of a high-backed chair with his front and wince, drop something. THEN have the dialogue. Build it up for tension.

-Gah. I had a little bit more in their pre-edit but cut it. why did i cut it

Thanks for all the great feedback, and advice.

Cheers

Edited June 1, 2016 by Kammererite

[neongrey]

I admit, I've had to skim this-- grammar is a dealbreaker for me on a readthrough as a general rule, as is sentence structure in general.

 

I feel like a portable ballista would just be a crossbow. I dunno, I find the usage of the term distracting.

 

I'm catching a lot of adverbs that are either unnecessary or where a more evocative phrase would do. Similarly, where you have speech tags at all a lot of them are very said-bookism-y. Using growl as a speech tag generally makes me check right out of a piece, eg-- it particularly stands out there because the dialogue is able to carry that particular weight. That said you're definitely avoiding dialogue tags far too much. Don't be afraid of the words 'say' and 'says', and don't be shy about including activity with a bit of dialogue; as it is the complete absence makes for a really... hmm, kind of bland feeling.

 

'work out more' is a really strange phrase here.

 

I feel like this dialogue with Lumi does not scan; to me it reads less like dialogue and more like point notes of what information neededed to be delivered to the reader in this scene.  Think about what sort of people are talking and the way they phrase things. Among other things it's too detailed and too specific, I think.

 

The same goes with this dialogue with Rakella. All it's doing is conveying information. It's not giving me a reason to care about the person saying it; it reads less like dialogue and more like a summary of the location from a manual.

 

That's most of what I got from this; this was a very difficult read for me.

[Eagle of the Forest Path]

+1 on the 'portable ballista' issue, if you want to describe it as larger and heavier than your regular, standard-issue crossbow, I suggest 'arbalest'.

 

I liked the counting seconds sequence at the beginning.

 

Lumi describes the murderer as "it" all the time; I understand that you don't want to reveal at that point whether the figure is male or female, but using 'it' in a conversation in that way feels a bit contrived.

Also, since you reveal it's a man just a bit later in the same chapter, basically the first guy they talk to about it, I don't see much point in making the figure's gender a mystery.

 

I'm curious to see how the story will develop.

[Kammererite]

Thanks for reading Neongray, and making it to the end.  

 

I'm catching a lot of adverbs that are either unnecessary or where a more evocative phrase would do. Similarly, where you have speech tags at all a lot of them are very said-bookism-y. Using growl as a speech tag generally makes me check right out of a piece, eg-- it particularly stands out there because the dialogue is able to carry that particular weight. That said you're definitely avoiding dialogue tags far too much. Don't be afraid of the words 'say' and 'says', and don't be shy about including activity with a bit of dialogue; as it is the complete absence makes for a really... hmm, kind of bland feeling.

I will take a look at adding in some dialouge tags with scene action/description to energize the story.

 

 

'work out more' is a really strange phrase here.

To modern? ill try and age it. 

 

I feel like this dialogue with Lumi does not scan; to me it reads less like dialogue and more like point notes of what information neededed to be delivered to the reader in this scene.  Think about what sort of people are talking and the way they phrase things. Among other things it's too detailed and too specific, I think.

The same goes with this dialogue with Rakella. All it's doing is conveying information. It's not giving me a reason to care about the person saying it; it reads less like dialogue and more like a summary of the location from a manual.

I will work on making the dialogue less listy and more natural. 

 

Thanks for reading as well EoTFP

 

+1 on the 'portable ballista' issue, if you want to describe it as larger and heavier than your regular, standard-issue crossbow, I suggest 'arbalest'.

-I'll think on this. The idea is its a crossbow that can fire a small harpoon so much heavier then a standard. I really do not like the word arbalest. I think it is pushing the obscure side of weapons knowledge. More people knows what a ballista  is then an arbalest...i think.

 

I liked the counting seconds sequence at the beginning.

-Thanks!! Glad it worked.

 

Lumi describes the murderer as "it" all the time; I understand that you don't want to reveal at that point whether the figure is male or female, but using 'it' in a conversation in that way feels a bit contrived.

Also, since you reveal it's a man just a bit later in the same chapter, basically the first guy they talk to about it, I don't see much point in making the figure's gender a mystery.

-Good point.

 

I'm curious to see how the story will develop.

-Thanks and thanks again for reading

[Robinski]

I was disappointed by this submission - I expected better of certain key element. Several events were obvious or not effectively delivered, I thought. Kang’s escaping the guards on his fake leg was unconvincing and the reveal of the assassin was, if I'm harsh, rather clumsy.

 

I know that Aspik doesn’t know that Kang has spoken to Lumi, but if he’s that badly wounded, why is he receiving people? Why would he pull a blind when it’s so hard for him? Just to reveal that he’s the assassin seems to be the answer.

 

I think you need to trust that reader to see the signs of Aspik’s wound, and make their reveal much more subtle. Readers are much more observant than you give them credit for here.

 

Suggestion: Personally, I would hide the first wince more, but let the reader detect it, and let Kang notice it. Then, he could ask Aspik to draw the blinds for them, that way Kang looks clever for drawing Aspik out and the blind is closed for a reason, rather than for the purposes of the plot.

 

Just my 2 cents on the plot in this submission.

 

The other thing I would comment on is that Kang’s addiction could be made more of. Maybe that will come later in the story, but I wonder if it might start to affect him more at critical times. Shaking, headaches? I don’t know how it manifests, but I don’t think it’s clear how he’s using the Essence of Fire at this point, or whether he’s only taking it to control his ‘symptoms’.

 

I'm hoping the next submission is more convincing, but I'm still on board with the story.

 

<R>

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

“vast open plains of the subglacial cavern” – How can a cavern have vast open plains? I don’t get it. ‘Vast plains’ sounds like mile after mile – all enclosed in a cavern?! Sounds impossible to me.

 

“work out” – There are one or two modern expressions, which I always find stand out uncomfortably for me. I know there are different schools of thought on this, but I still believe these modern expressions take people out of the story. There are always more ‘period’ sensitive alternatives. Here for example, you could have used ‘exercise’ or ‘train’.

 

“the vote will fail” – I can’t remember what they're voting for. Maybe it’s Weekly Reader Syndrome (WRS), but maybe a short reminder here would be useful?

 

“Might find out who forged it” – This kind of thing bothers me. It’s quite a common trope in detecting stories, searching out the origin of some piece of evidence. That dagger could have been in the killer’s family for decades, and he could have come from thousands of miles away. The chances of some smith in town being able to tag it are (or should be) tiny.

 

How does Kang evade the guards when he slides down the rope? They have two legs, but he just hobbles away from them? Not convinced by that at all.

 

Back to the dagger – why would any assassin trying to protect his identity use a weapon that marked out his place of origin? Not a very good assassin, unlessssss, it’s a ploy by someone else to direct attention towards another country. Hmm, okay, I hope it’s the latter, because otherwise it’s a Drakkon, it’s bit too easy.

 

“I simile” – ROFL  Sorry, but it’s like a writer springing into action. “The beast came forward, growling, unscathed by my hail of metaphors.”

 

“Did you figure out how the assassin disappeared from the privy?” – I'm confused around here and following paragraphs who is speaking. I think a dialogue tag is required.

 

I was confused when there are suddenly two guards in front of them. I got no sense that they were walking anywhere. Also, it’s not far away from where they met.

 

“Rakella’s elbow digs into my ribs. “You’re a knight remember.”” – I don’t think you need this. All you need is Kang starting to speak then correcting himself after her nudge. It’s more subtle, slicker – I think.

 

“Just the hidden blade then please” – This is a really overused trope (there must be another word for that). How many times have we seen and read it? Man is searched but has a hidden weapon. I think if you're going to use that it needs to be delivered way better. What is it supposed to tell us?

 

“He pulls aside the heavy fur door covering and lets out a wince” – This seems to be a clear indication that he is wounded and it therefore the assassin. If it’s true, or if it’s misdirection on your part to make us think that, either way it’s still too obvious a sign. I think it should be disguised more.

 

“Aspik winces and pulls down the hem of his emerald tunic as he reaches for the hanging above the second window. A dark red spot peeks out the bottom of his black vest.” – Really? I find this ‘reveal’ really unsubtle. Kang should have noticed the first wince if he’s even remotely observant.

 

“He…he killed himself” – This does not need saying. The reader has just observed it. I think she should say something else. She’s not that dense, surely. It’s an opportunity to deliver some other line that adds something to the scene, rather than this nothing statement.

[Robinski]

if you ever want LBL edits to help with the grammar, let me know.

 

Lol - Kaisa, are you familiar with the phrase 'glutton for punishment'?

 

Sorry, Kam, I couldn't resist than one ;o)

Edited June 3, 2016 by Robinski

[Kammererite]

Thanks for reading and the great feedback once again. 

II thought. Kang’s escaping the guards on his fake leg was unconvincing and the reveal of the assassin was, if I'm harsh, rather clumsy.

-During  my last few edits i was getting more worried about this but wasn't sure if it was an issue. I am thinking of changing it to him being spotted after he is already in the distance. Would this work better for you?

 

I know that Aspik doesn’t know that Kang has spoken to Lumi, but if he’s that badly wounded, why is he receiving people? Why would he pull a blind when it’s so hard for him? Just to reveal that he’s the assassin seems to be the answer.

 

I think you need to trust that reader to see the signs of Aspik’s wound, and make their reveal much more subtle. Readers are much more observant than you give them credit for here.

You are right. not sure where the line is yet.  

 

Suggestion: Personally, I would hide the first wince more, but let the reader detect it, and let Kang notice it. Then, he could ask Aspik to draw the blinds for them, that way Kang looks clever for drawing Aspik out and the blind is closed for a reason, rather than for the purposes of the plot.

 

Just my 2 cents on the plot in this submission.

I really like this, and might have to use it unless i can think of something better. As Kasia commented this reveal needs to be built up better so i will work on that for the next version. 

 

The other thing I would comment on is that Kang’s addiction could be made more of. Maybe that will come later in the story, but I wonder if it might start to affect him more at critical times. Shaking, headaches? I don’t know how it manifests, but I don’t think it’s clear how he’s using the Essence of Fire at this point, or whether he’s only taking it to control his ‘symptoms’.

Good points. The withdrawal symptoms start to play up more in the next sub, but your right on it could come a little more in this sub. 

 

I'm hoping the next submission is more convincing, but I'm still on board with the story.

So do i. 

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

“vast open plains of the subglacial cavern” – How can a cavern have vast open plains? I don’t get it. ‘Vast plains’ sounds like mile after mile – all enclosed in a cavern?! Sounds impossible to me.

Its a paradox. No i was going for giant 5kmish cavern.  Engineering wise i think its possible but i haven done the maths.

 

 

“Might find out who forged it” – This kind of thing bothers me. It’s quite a common trope in detecting stories, searching out the origin of some piece of evidence. That dagger could have been in the killer’s family for decades, and he could have come from thousands of miles away. The chances of some smith in town being able to tag it are (or should be) tiny.

I didn't even think of the inheriting aspect. Original i was going to use the potion as a clue but thought that was to much like cheating. Maybe ill go back to that. 

 

How does Kang evade the guards when he slides down the rope? They have two legs, but he just hobbles away from them? Not convinced by that at all.

Very good point will change as noted above

 

Back to the dagger – why would any assassin trying to protect his identity use a weapon that marked out his place of origin? Not a very good assassin, unlessssss, it’s a ploy by someone else to direct attention towards another country. Hmm, okay, I hope it’s the latter, because otherwise it’s a Drakkon, it’s bit too easy.

I might have to world build this better and the answer might be explained in the next sub, although i am not sure if its sufficient to your question. I will think on this.  

 

I was confused when there are suddenly two guards in front of them. I got no sense that they were walking anywhere. Also, it’s not far away from where they met.

I'll block in some action. that should let me show passage of distance and better cement the setting.

 

“Rakella’s elbow digs into my ribs. “You’re a knight remember.”” – I don’t think you need this. All you need is Kang starting to speak then correcting himself after her nudge. It’s more subtle, slicker – I think.

Good to know. 

 

“Just the hidden blade then please” – This is a really overused trope (there must be another word for that). How many times have we seen and read it? Man is searched but has a hidden weapon. I think if you're going to use that it needs to be delivered way better. What is it supposed to tell us?

This was a very last minute change as original he was having his cane confiscated and replaced by a walking stick. however it felt wrong so i changed it but didn't want him to have a weapon. Know that i think more on it i could just have him surrender the blade upfront.  

 

“He pulls aside the heavy fur door covering and lets out a wince” – This seems to be a clear indication that he is wounded and it therefore the assassin. If it’s true, or if it’s misdirection on your part to make us think that, either way it’s still too obvious a sign. I think it should be disguised more.

will do.

 

“He…he killed himself” – This does not need saying. The reader has just observed it. I think she should say something else. She’s not that dense, surely. It’s an opportunity to deliver some other line that adds something to the scene, rather than this nothing statement.

I was going for shock. But that's a good point. 

Thanks again for all the great feedback. The good thing is at least Kang isn't constantly thinking what he is doing in this story. 

[Robinski]

Thanks again for all the great feedback. The good thing is at least Kang isn't constantly thinking what he is doing in this story.

Your suggestion about him spotted in the distance sounds ideal to me.

Hey, you know I had forgotten about his old 'habit' of thinking everything. Good job kicking that!

For the avoidance of doubt, I do enjoy your stuff. I always feel I'm in that rugged, icy, winter 'wilderness' sort of setting. I'm always able to imagine/picture a real atmosphere.

[Kammererite]

Your suggestion about him spotted in the distance sounds ideal to me.

Good to know. 

Hey, you know I had forgotten about his old 'habit' of thinking everything. Good job kicking that!

I would not say kicked the habit quite yet. My first draft was riddle with them but i edit most of it out. 

For the avoidance of doubt, I do enjoy your stuff. I always feel I'm in that rugged, icy, winter 'wilderness' sort of setting. I'm always able to imagine/picture a real atmosphere.

Good to here. I wasn't sure if the cold would come through but i am glad it did. 

Edited June 4, 2016 by Kammererite

[krystalynn03]

Hey Kammererite!

 

Line by Line First Impressions & Notes

 

• I wish this were back to back with your last submission because I can’t tell if I’m disoriented in the opening because of the narrative here or if I’m just suffering from weekly reader syndrome.
•  “blood-memories” – I don’t know what this is, but I like the phrase. There’s just enough context in the conversation to help me infer what it means, and that’s enjoyable. Good job.
• “addicted” – I thought this felt a little odd in the last submission because it felt so modern, but I feel more accepting of it here. I think if I’d had more of a modern techno-fantasy feel out of the first sub (a setting problem) I would have accepted it easier then.
• “bark” – Why a bark? Is she an animal? Are there dogs around so that it might not be noticed by guards? Seems I’m missing something.
• “Thanks, Kang. I knew I could count on you.” – This whole conversation feels rushed, which is good because he should be in a rush, but it’s content and delivery feels a little cliché. Maybe rethink some of the phrases and make them a little more original. I did like the bit referencing the dad. It was so small that it felt like you’d used these characters in other stories or that you’d really put some thought into them.
• I really like him not realizing fully that he got shot in his fake leg. That was a nice way to end the scene on tense, but closing, note.
• I like hexahuts—I can picture it without explanation—but the repetition of hex in hextant stole some of the initial charm.
• Kang and Rakella’s following conversation runs almost too fast. While I appreciate not going to visit the redsmith if it wasn’t doing anything other than progress the plot, I do feel like the dialogue is jerking the narrative around a bit.
• “How did you get that wound?” – Some of the plot feels a bit contrived here. The dialogue feels a bit used. In my head, I feel like I’m watching an episode of a tv show rather than reading a fantasy short story.
• And now they’re arresting Kang? The guards/police in this city are starting to look like idiots.

 

Overall Impressions

 

I like the pacing. You have characters, who while not painted in detail, are defined enough for me to keep them clear in short story format. Some places are muddy where things are pushed too quickly or rely too heavily on tropes. I have no idea why Lumi's being framed because I couldn't make up or down of her description.

 

Overall, though, I like that the whole thing has a clear sense of direction, and the grammar wasn’t as bad as last week’s… Keep going to the finish, but some turns of your story may call for a little more creativity in revision to make the plot a little fresher and less tv episode-like.

[Kammererite]

Thanks for reading Krystalynn. I'm Glad to know the little tidbits worked for you. 

• “addicted” – I thought this felt a little odd in the last submission because it felt so modern, but I feel more accepting of it here. I think if I’d had more of a modern techno-fantasy feel out of the first sub (a setting problem) I would have accepted it easier then.

hmm. I will have to think about how to work with this. I envisioned a tech level that is iron-ageish with suppressed metallurgy to bronze. Although there is a kind of magic renaissance that lets them get around the need for iron (which has not been discovered other then as meteorites).   

• “bark” – Why a bark? Is she an animal? Are there dogs around so that it might not be noticed by guards? Seems I’m missing something

Its kind of the bird call trope but there are not any birds in the city but dogs are very common. I might have to world build it a little more in city background noise to get the this point across.

• I did like the bit referencing the dad. It was so small that it felt like you’d used these characters in other stories or that you’d really put some thought into them.

Thanks. In fact i did use them in another story, which really helped me figure out who the characters are.  

• I really like him not realizing fully that he got shot in his fake leg. That was a nice way to end the scene on tense, but closing, note.

Thanks!

• Kang and Rakella’s following conversation runs almost too fast. While I appreciate not going to visit the redsmith if it wasn’t doing anything other than progress the plot, I do feel like the dialogue is jerking the narrative around a bit.

This Conversation is going to getting a complete rework and i am going to switch the lead to the Drakkon order to Rakella finding a record of the unique potions being sold. I think this will give me more words to get across the crucial points and extend the dialogue rather then  having more facts to get across.   

• And now they’re arresting Kang? The guards/police in this city are starting to look like idiots.

Kind of but you got to give therm some credit. What do you think would happen in Real life if a cop found you standing over the dead body of another cop. 

 

 

the grammar wasn’t as bad as last week’s…

yay improvement. 

 

Keep going to the finish, but some turns of your story may call for a little more creativity in revision to make the plot a little fresher and less tv episode-like.

I see my roots of bad tv fantasy shows/movies are starting to show through. Will have to cover them up. 

Thanks again for the awesome feedback and the encouragement.

[kais]

Lol - Kaisa, are you familiar with the phrase 'glutton for punishment'?

 

 

It's actually easier for me to make notes in a Word document with Track Changes than it is to have the document open and this window and type between. I blame too many years of correcting undergraduate papers. 

Full disclosure though - the pages will bleed. My graduate students can attest to this.

[Robinski]

It's actually easier for me to make notes in a Word document with Track Changes than it is to have the document open and this window and type between. I blame too many years of correcting undergraduate papers. 

Full disclosure though - the pages will bleed. My graduate students can attest to this.

 

Agreed. And you know you can change the colour of the tracked changes to a more sensitive and caring green, if you want to. I remember reading an article a few years backs about teachers using green pen instead of red to avoid psychological damage to tender young minds. Bah, toughen them up, is what I say.

[neongrey]

I'll be the weirdo who says they prefer google docs comments, lol.

 

But same principle in the end, really.

[Robinski]

Yeah, that works well too. Mandamon and I were in an online writing group that used Google Docs and it operated very well. I thought the in-line comment bubbles / discussion were better than Word, actually, now that you remind me of it.

[rdpulfer]

- I just remembered there was one submission i didn't get to. Sorry for the delay!

 

- I get why Kang wants to rescue Lumi, but I don't know we have a strong enough reason why Kang is going to risk breaking into prison other than what Lumi told him, especially since it's likely Lumi will be cleared in a couple of days. I think Kang needs enough motivation before he tries sneaking into a prison to see her.

 

- Walking the bear? Corrupted man? It really feels like we should have seen this instead of being told.

 

- Nice escalation in the end . . . I'm really curious to see where this is all going, especially after the perpetrator just up and kills himself. 

[spieles]

I'm catching up!

I enjoyed the fast paced component of this and how active the character are being. It's very cool. So otherwise, I don't want to harp on areas that others have mentioned. I think this is actually a case of underwriting as opposed to overwriting so there are specific opportunities for you to add in more. Specifically....

• Can we get a description of Rakella after Kang first whispers to her? Obviously she's not in her party clothes so I'm curious about how she's dressed differently.
• when Kang shows up at her window I'd like a description of Lumi - does she look like she's been mistreated? Also, I want to see the play by play of her reaction - the shock, the fear, and then the realization that it's her friend come to help her out.
• I'd like to see more tension on Aspik's face during their dialogue. In the lead up, but especially when Aspik asks "Do you have have any proof?" I had no sense that he was a bad guy even after Kang announces "it's him." I thought that "dark red spot" under his black vest was a badge of some sort. Also, it's a bit of a suspension of disbelief issue to think that Aspik wouldn't have the wound properly bandaged. More likely, the bump from his bandage would be the give away not a wound staining his shirt

You overuse "dark" and "darkness" in this piece. I think you'd be better off describing the city in muted colors, because even if its dark Kang would still be seeing shades of grey and navy. 

The transition to the "waking the bear" scene was a bit awkward. I think you could clarify that he was meeting with the weapons seller right off the bat because I had to read back and forth to figure out that this was the guy who could identify the weapon.

Anyway, I hope this helps! I should have the next one to you soon.