Reading Excuses - 5/16/16 - aeromancer - Gears & Sigils Ch. 2 + 5 - 4312 words

[aeromancer]

Right, so this is the other side of Gears & Sigils. No introduction necessary, though note that the previous submission happens between the first and second session. All impressions, please.

 

To answer the obvious point. Yes, Fate's Child is overpowered. That is why she's an eight year old, so she can't fully grasp what she could do with it. And also why she's scared of using it. If you're confused and read my submission, please ask more questions.

[rdpulfer]

- I like the bit about the skirt length adjusting to her commands. You might want to describe it in a bit more detail - such as the sound the fabric made as it stretched - just so the reader knows its happening without any action from her other than verbal commands.

 

- The moment where the Hunter grabs the kid feels a bit awkward - it's like one moment she's facing the chamera, the next moment she's in his arms. It feels a bit too cartoony.

 

- I do like the idea of adjustable fate.

 

- I also like the dialogue between the Hunter and the child.

 

- i really like that there's a personification of Fate in this world, along with others, such as Luck and Destiny. Reminds me of Neil Gaiman's Endless. Makes me really excited for this world.

 

- Epsilon and Child seem to bond a little too quickly. It's like they become partners in the first chapter alone.

 

- I like the world and the dynamic between the two characters, still really interested to see where this is going and what Child is trying to prevent. 

[aeromancer]

"I like the bit about the skirt length adjusting to her commands. You might want to describe it in a bit more detail - such as the sound the fabric made as it stretched - just so the reader knows its happening without any action from her other than verbal commands." - Hmmm... except the dress doesn't stretch, it turns into a dress that had been sown longer. Same thing with chainmail variant. Hunter Epsilon does bond quick with the girl, I will agree with you, but I think it is completely in line with their respective characters.

 

Yes, Fate gets personified, but be forewarned that there aren't a lot of entities like him wandering the world. Fate's powers revolve around seeing the future and changing it. There is a distinction between him and Destiny in the sense that Destiny is what will happen, whereas Fate is simply ... what does happen. Fate is better at affecting smaller changes, or seeing events, while Destiny is better at ensuring that certain events will happen. Very subtle nuanced difference. Luck is just Matrim Cauthon. Chaos. Lots of chaos. Very good at altering things, but not good at how they end up. Now that I'm saying this aloud, I guess its kind of like Shards. And is kind of moot, too, because there's not really a plot point on the differences.

 

The scene with Hunter ... yeah it might feel cartoony, I can see why you say that. The point of Hunters is to do these kinds of things, though...

Edited May 18, 2016 by aeromancer

[Robinski]

So, this time, I'm going to try and read through with a light touch on the grammar and not get into the amount of detail I usually do. Take it as read that there are grammar things that bugged my but I didn’t stop to highlight them, just kept going to try and get the full effect.

 

Okay, after the first section and lots of phrasing, word choice and grammar issues that I'm trying to block out, the writing certainly has the same tone as Chapters 1 and 3. The thing that slaps me in the face like a wet mackerel is that, although these are completely different characters, the dynamic between them is almost exactly like that between Ellora and Jakob; weird girl child with armour meets older, more experienced fighter and they have strange banter together in a traumatic situation. I’d also say that, in both cases, the girl’s dialogue is more sophisticated than it should be, certainly the 8 year-olds, although I suppose she is not an ordinary 8 year old.

 

I really struggle to see how you meld these two threads together, but I feel like you are writing the same character dynamics all over again as in Twin Moon and Chapters 1 and 3.

 

There is some good stuff too. I quite like the idea here, there’s some good humour, like when she says ‘eight’ when he says she’s seven, but these feel like two different (but with distinctly similar dynamics) novels.

 

One comment on the detail is that the pov seems to shift about quite a bit, which is a bit disorienting.

 

Okay – second point of detail from me – he has to wash the stew bowls and pot, they are not clean and will end up infecting him with mould spores or some such.

 

Having finished, another thing that stands out for me is the powers, which seem a bit loose in their application. Child’s ability to change fate is immensely powerful, and yet I'm not convinced it’s being applied consistently. It seems that she can essentially do anything she wants, the limits are not defined and that makes it hard to accept.

 

To summarise, I would have stopped reading by now if I had bought or borrowed this book. For me personally, there is too much in the set-up, style and the dialogue that I'm not keen on. I think there is an interesting story in there, but I believe it needs a thorough overhaul, including the characters – in particular including characters that are not essentially the same as each other.

 

<R>

Edited May 21, 2016 by Robinski

[Kammererite]

I will second Robinskis point about the shifting POV's I found this very disorienting. I think for the most part you are in Child's POV which i enjoyed but you occasionally pop in to the hunters POV (during action sequences) or in one case i notice the chimeras.

 

I now Incisors are teeth but i don't know which teeth and i don't think there pointy so this doesn't come off as scary to me like a mouth full of canines would. 

 

How does the hunter know how to use Child power. its very different then hers and he seams to master it like its nothing two it which seams broken to me. 

 

I like this gathering the best hero premise/plot

 

I was a little sad there was not dragonling description.

 

Overall, there was some good dialogue some, very cool world-building concepts and I like the plot direction at this point in time.

[krystalynn03]

I haven't gone through the whole submission yet, but the head-hopping was seriously jarring, so I'd like to weigh in as agreeing that that element needs addressing.

[kais]

Sorry for the delay on this. Still playing catch up from my busy week. 

 

Overall

I'm interested in some of the story concepts, but had a hard time getting into the story. The girl's dialogue is often unconvincing for an eight year old, and I am still really unclear on why she makes a sudden partnership with Silon. Generally, the text needs a lot more description. This world seems like it has the potential to be lush with world building, yet, descriptors are sparse.

 

As I go

- page 1: is she trying to trip herself? I love the idea of rolling down the hill for fun, magical dresses, etc, I'm mostly confused as to why she would chose that way to trip herself. Why not just start summersaulting? Why not pretend to be Buttercup from the Princess Bride? Why not turn cartwheels?

- page 1: she has an outfit she can change at will, and we aren't getting tons of details on the outfit. This already is driving me insane. It's like your writing knows my soul, but you're holding back the joy. IS IT GLITTERY? SHINY? TELL ME THERE ARE RHINESTONES AND LACE AND RIBBONS AND CHAINMAIL AND THE BLOOD OF HER ENEMIES! (ahem, I'm done now, really)

- page 4: would really like more description of the battle. Everything is very pared down. It's making picturing everything difficult.

- page 7: the back and forth between Silon and Fate's Child isn't convincing me of the girl's age. She bounces between 8 and 40, on and off. Some addition of child logic would help this pop better

- page 8: so does Silon want help, or doesn't he? The eight year old is talking circles around him. 

- 8: where does the eagle even come from? Super random.

- page 12: POV shift is jarring. We started with Silon and moved to Child. Suggest keeping POV consistent within each chapter

- what was the point of the jump off the cliff test? For that matter, why are these two even together? I don't understand the motivating factor for their working together

- wouldn't someone who can see into the future know that dragonlings are real? Surely she would have seen them before?

- page 16: please describe the scene. It's strong enough to have the girl throw up. Why? What does she see?

[aeromancer]

Ahem. So for starters, I jump around POV a lot. This is fine, because I cut / paste this, so there are chapters between some of the breaks, thus POV changes are acceptable. At least, I'll pretend they are.

 

@Robinski: When have you hit with a wet mackerel? Joking aside, this was written very lightheartedly, so this may not be for you in terms of seriousness. Fate's Child rarely uses her powers, she's kind of scared of them. Her eyes smoke purple whenever she does. The threads merge well, I think, you'll see when I submit chapter 6/7. Washing bowls edit, I can do.

 

@Kammerite: Incisors are your front eight teeth. Sharpest. This also means that the chaemara eats vegetation, but really, who cares? Hmm, Hunter does seem to adapt to Fate's power rather quickly, doesn't he? That is part of his power though, Hunters gain an instinctive knowledge of how to use their powers. Wilco on the dragonling description

 

@kaisa: The beginning was to introduce Fate's Child as someone who deliberately trips her way into danger, and set the tone for her character. Chain-mail I can describe, um, dresses not so much. Sorry. (Rhinestones? The girl can alter Fate. Try diamonds. Just because she could.)The jumping off the cliff test - the actual point was for Hunter to see whether or not she was addicted to using Fate. As to why Hunter Epsilon is sticking with her - RAFO! But there is a very good reason. As to Fate's Child future seeing - it's like wikipedia in a way. Just because you have access to the world's knowledge doesn't mean you've spent years sifting through all of it. Fate's Child doesn't know if dragonling exist, because she never checked. I actually like the idea of pure diamond armor, thank you. Although it'll burn easily.

Edited May 23, 2016 by aeromancer

[kais]

 

 

@kaisa:  Chain-mail I can describe, um, dresses not so much. Sorry. (Rhinestones? The girl can alter Fate. Try diamonds. Just because she could.)

 

Maybe do some Googling for images? The changing dress is so cool, and I feel like you're missing an opportunity to really engage the reader with the mentality of an eight year old. If I can help set the stage, in the mind of most eight year old girls, there are no such things as clashing colors, or too much bling. Walk around a Claire's store for research. Then watch some junior roller derby. Then watch adult roller derby. Then watch the Let It Go castle building scene in Frozen one zillion times, concentrating on Elsa's magical ice dress.

 

Glitter. Sequins. Embroidered hemlines. Puffed sleeves. Empire waist would show youth, move to A-line when you want show some 'maturity'. Maybe her shoes are always neon green boots with steel toes with ruffled pink socks just peeking through. She's eight. You can have so much fun with this!

[spieles]

A lot of good ideas here with the magic - I like how she uses her clothing. 

 

I think the chimaera's introduction with him saying "Tasty" is a little eye-rolling. I'd rather you scared us with a more sinister description. Also, the scarier the chimaera is, you give more room for humor with the girl's responses.

 

I'm not sure about the info dump and full explanation of Fate at the end of p. 6 - that's normally the sort of information I love to slowly discover as a reader as opposed to simply being told. 

 

Why is her being named Fate's Child so funny? The obviousness seems to make it not funny. It would be funnier if he gave her a look like "oh please" instead of laughing uproariously. Also, it would tie in better to his later disbelief when she tells him her quest.

 

I'd actually cut p. 7 down a lot - it's too on the nose for setting up the quest. 

 

I'm not sure the fact that she is "crazy" is the reason not to help her. I feel like a more logical response would to be to tell her to go home and go to school because surely the hunters are already on the job - and the last thing they need is an 8 year old with a transformer dress in the picture.  

 

p. 10-11 the conversation dragged for me - the discussion is very generic - better to cut to the race sooner

 

p. 14 Being involved in an 8 year old's quest doesn't seem like something a full grown hunter should be excited about - I'm still unclear on his motivation besides being bored and lonely?

 

I'm going to throw this idea out there as an idea: fate gives the Hunter a clue about his past - some mystery/tragedy that has eluded him for years and uses it as a lure to get him to help the girl. 

 

p. 16 why does the burning town make her throw up? Are their heads on pikes or corpses with open stomachs and guts being spilled out? If the bodies were rotten, I'd understand - but since they're burnt... I think we need more description here - or simply cut the throwing up. I'm not sure it adds much.

 

I do see Robinski's point about their dynamic being rather similar to your other pair. I'd almost want them to be less outlandish and more procedural. For example, instead of the speech at the end (which are all over your chapters), I'd want something more Sherlock Holmes-ish and more subtle. Just suggestions, of course. Curious to see where you're taking this.

Edited May 24, 2016 by spieles

[aeromancer]

Why is her being named Fate's Child so funny? The obviousness seems to make it not funny. It would be funnier if he gave her a look like "oh please" instead of laughing uproariously. Also, it would tie in better to his later disbelief when she tells him her quest.

 

I'm not sure the fact that she is "crazy" is the reason not to help her. I feel like a more logical response would to be to tell her to go home and go to school because surely the hunters are already on the job - and the last thing they need is an 8 year old with a transformer dress in the picture.  

 

p. 14 Being involved in an 8 year old's quest doesn't seem like something a full grown hunter should be excited about - I'm still unclear on his motivation besides being bored and lonely?

 

I'm going to throw this idea out there as an idea: fate gives the Hunter a clue about his past - some mystery/tragedy that has eluded him for years and uses it as a lure to get him to help the girl. 

 

p. 16 why does the burning town make her throw up? Are their heads on pikes or corpses with open stomachs and guts being spilled out? If the bodies were rotten, I'd understand - but since they're burnt... I think we need more description here - or simply cut the throwing up. I'm not sure it adds much.

 

I do see Robinski's point about their dynamic being rather similar to your other pair. I'd almost want them to be less outlandish and more procedural. For example, instead of the speech at the end (which are all over your chapters), I'd want something more Sherlock Holmes-ish and more subtle. Just suggestions, of course. Curious to see where you're taking this.

 Aside from the writing advice (which I'm going to take) you seem to be dissatisfied with Hunter Epsilon as a character. He's meant to come across as enigmatic, and give an impression that he knows more than he lets on. Yes, there doesn't seem to be a good reason for him to do half the things that he does, but RAFO on that because there are reasons. Also, if you ever come across an eight-year old with Fate powers who tells you to join her on a quest to stop the world from ending - I sincerely hope you join her. Hunter Epsilon knows this, he's supposed to be the mentor-character of the team, which he can easily do being that he's around one hundred and eighty. Yes, he's a human. It's magic.

 

Fate's Child - she can't see into the past, only the future, and (to my understanding) blood and carnage (and death) provokes dread and disgust. Now, she has seen things before, but she wipes her memory anytime she comes near scarring herself, so she actually is quite innocent to blood and gore. Also, she finds it hard to see the results of her own actions. It's just the nature of the power.

 

The Jakob / Ellora relationship is actually quite different from Fate's Child / Hunter Epsilon. I do suppose they start out similar, so I will work on that, but rest assured they are completely different.