9 MAY 16 - Shadowfax - City of Glass Prologue - 692 words

[Shadowfax]

I took a lot of time going over all the previous responses I got to my excerpts submission and I hope I picked the right passages to use for my prologue. I tried to really pare it down and streamline it, but I also had to make sure the important information I needed to seed was in here. So, that being said...

 

-What works and doesn't work for you? (as compared to the original)

-I changed Prorochitsa to Prochitsa, does this read better for you?

-Is my scribe characterized well enough for a short passage? (This is his POV chapter)

-Does it leave you with enough questions to keep reading?

-Does it leave you with TOO many questions?

-Overall impressions?

 

I'm not really looking for line by line edits atm, as I'm only writing the rough draft now and editing/revising will happen after the manuscript as a whole is complete. What I'm working on first is story, character and world, so that's why I will be submitting as I write, in case I need to make updates/changes/etc. to keep things consistent in those ways.

 

Thank you!

 

[Robinski]

Yay - I'm first!!! That never happens. Petty, but strangely satisfying (sorry, I'm that shallow and competitive.)

 

So, I like this prologue. I liked it before when I read the excerpts. The scribe bit is tidier now. I did misplace his age, and I think the references to that are inconsistent. Otherwise, you paint a strong picture of the Prochitsa. I was fine by Prorochitsa, which sounds more strange and otherworldly. I think the problem with odd names is that many readers skim over them and don’t take the moment to get them straight before proceeding. Case in point, as a youngster reading LotR, I went through the whole thing reading Aragon instead of Aragorn. Doh!

 

Sorry, I digress – a couple of other points. I know we’re in the queen’s pov, but the lack of shocked reaction from her retinue of advisors felt odd. Even if this is something that happens once in lifetime (for them anyway!!), the lack of feedback felt a bit odd. Also, I was slightly underwhelmed by the scribe’s reaction to this world-shattering event. For me, that could have been dialled up slightly.

 

Good job, though. I'm keen to read more. Is there more? Can we have more please?

 

----------------------------------------------------------

 

There are a lot of adjectives, almost every noun has one. I'm trying to decide if it others more. I guess I noticed it, but they do add description (obvs). Maybe if you dropped every fourth noun without an adjective (for example), it wouldn’t have stood out for me. Dunno – possibly a non-issue.

 

“a cloak made from the soft, fine fur” – These two words seem almost the same. I think you could drop one.

 

“The scribe sat in steady silence,” – Here, for example, I don’t think this adds anything.

 

“His job was to record the prophetic utterances of the Prochitsa into in a sacred volume of books called the Kreshmoi” – A volume is one book, if I'm not mistaken, which I might be.

 

“only a dozen over the years” – For some reason, I thought this meant a dozen volumes, on rereading I guess it means a dozen utterances. Also, I had to scan back to check the number of years (12) to ascertain that it was one utterance per year, on average.

 

“the young man scribbled” – I have pictured the scribe as at least middle-aged. I think it was because of the weariness conveyed in the first line or two. I imagined him as 40s to 50s.

 

“He stood and, quick as he could manage, wrapped the Kreshmoi” – I think.

 

“a younger and less experienced scribe” – Again, this seems to indicate an older man.

 

“and quick-walked directly to her private chambers” – Yuck, sorry, but surely there is a better description. Strode? Paced? Hurried? Dashed? Marched? Rushed? Hastened? Scurried?  

 

“She held her eyes open wide in an effort to hold back the stinging flood that begged to escape.” – Repetition of ‘hold’ – also, the last phrase seems overcomplicated to me.

 

“the hot stream of tears broke free, cascading down her cheeks”

 

“She would desperately miss her children” – Topic for discussion. Split infinitives: does anybody care? Serious question, I'm not trying to be glib. It’s the old Star Trek issue. Technically ‘to boldly go’ should read ‘to go boldly’, or ‘boldly to go’ (either of which, I think, would have been fine). Here, I think ‘She would miss her children desperately’ is better. As it delivers the emotional punch at the end of the sentence and doesn’t split the infinitive.

 

I'm interested in people’s opinions on this. Like anything else, the odd one probably doesn’t matter, but I see this a lot on RE, and I always notice. Interesting to look out for it in the fiction you are reading and see where it gets past publishers / editors.

[Robinski]

To answer the question I didn't cover above:

 

- enough questions? - Yes

- too many questions? - No

 

I did feel that there was something lacking at the start of the queen's pov when the bombshell lands. Part of me wanted to hear the proclamation of course, but that's a secret at this point, I'm fine with that, most of me doesn't want to know it. I think the lack I felt was the connection with the scribe. Is he still standing in front of her, having just read out the Prochitsa's words, or has the queen dismissed him and spent a hour considering what to do? It's just a bit of disconnect between the two sections. That was my feeling anyway.

 

Actually, the more I think on it now, it is important, because I think we need to know whether the scribe has just been condemned to death. He must be, surely, as she seems to be expunging everyone who has heard the prophecy. The scribe would need to be included in this. Also, does she have the book destroyed? That prophecy is sitting right there. Presumably, she takes the book away, but can she do that?

 

That'll be some of those questions you were asking about!

 

For what it's worth, I am now imagining a story where the scribe and the Prochitsa go on the run in a desperate quest to save mankind and escape their fate at the hands of the queen. That's what I'm thinking based on available information to date. That's enough to keep me reading, at this point certainly.

[Shadowfax]

Yay - I'm first!!! That never happens. Petty, but strangely satisfying (sorry, I'm that shallow and competitive.)

 

LOL I like being first too xD

 

So, I like this prologue. I liked it before when I read the excerpts. The scribe bit is tidier now. I did misplace his age, and I think the references to that are inconsistent.

 

Oh noes! I will make his age more consistent. I tried to depict him (as you mentioned below) late 40s-ish, but not in the best of health as he obviously spends all his time on his butt in a dark room.

 

Otherwise, you paint a strong picture of the Prochitsa. I was fine by Prorochitsa, which sounds more strange and otherworldly. I think the problem with odd names is that many readers skim over them and don’t take the moment to get them straight before proceeding. Case in point, as a youngster reading LotR, I went through the whole thing reading Aragon instead of Aragorn. Doh!

 

I'm glad she's strong. She's not a character we will actually ever see again, but she (and what she does) needs to be in your mind.

 

Sorry, I digress – a couple of other points. I know we’re in the queen’s pov,

 

Errr... I should clean that up then. We should still be in the scribe's POV, so.. yeah I will fix that.

 

but the lack of shocked reaction from her retinue of advisors felt odd. Even if this is something that happens once in lifetime (for them anyway!!), the lack of feedback felt a bit odd. Also, I was slightly underwhelmed by the scribe’s reaction to this world-shattering event. For me, that could have been dialled up slightly.

 

Hmmm. I was so worried about having too much that wasn't necessary that I think I may have fallen flat on the 'realism' of the situation. I will go back to that passage and see what I can do.

 

Good job, though. I'm keen to read more. Is there more? Can we have more please?

 

This made me happy to read I have a bit of tidying up on a possible chapter one and I'm hoping to submit next week, depending on how many others want to submit as well.

 

----------------------------------------------------------

 

There are a lot of adjectives, almost every noun has one. I'm trying to decide if it others more. I guess I noticed it, but they do add description (obvs). Maybe if you dropped every fourth noun without an adjective (for example), it wouldn’t have stood out for me. Dunno – possibly a non-issue.

 

I think I mentioned in a post somewhere that I "abusive adjectives", so trust me, I hear you loud and clear and agree. I've been trying to be better at finding the right nouns... nouns that convey what I need without having to use an adjective with it, when I can get away with that. When I go back to do my revising and line editing, I will address that more in depth. For now (and for my future submissions) there will be adjectives, just so I can keep the "picture" in my head clear to me. If that makes sense?

 

“a cloak made from the soft, fine fur” – These two words seem almost the same. I think you could drop one.

 

“The scribe sat in steady silence,” – Here, for example, I don’t think this adds anything.

 

“His job was to record the prophetic utterances of the Prochitsa into in a sacred volume of books called the Kreshmoi” – A volume is one book, if I'm not mistaken, which I might be.

 

You are correct. The Kreshmoi (more accurately, the Kreshmoi Chronicles) is a set of books that literally only keeps growing. We will learn more about it later in the book. I will clean up the language here to make it cleaner without adding much exposition, as that expo-dump belongs to a different chapter.

 

“only a dozen over the years” – For some reason, I thought this meant a dozen volumes, on rereading I guess it means a dozen utterances. Also, I had to scan back to check the number of years (12) to ascertain that it was one utterance per year, on average.

 

Yeah, dozen utterances. I'll clean it up to make it clearer.

 

“the young man scribbled” – I have pictured the scribe as at least middle-aged. I think it was because of the weariness conveyed in the first line or two. I imagined him as 40s to 50s.

 

Oooops. Young is wrong. Disregard.

 

“He stood and, quick as he could manage, wrapped the Kreshmoi” – I think.

 

He's actually supposed to be standing as quickly as he could. I'll clean it up.

 

“a younger and less experienced scribe” – Again, this seems to indicate an older man.

 

“and quick-walked directly to her private chambers” – Yuck, sorry, but surely there is a better description. Strode? Paced? Hurried? Dashed? Marched? Rushed? Hastened? Scurried?  

 

This is one of those times where my brain was unwilling to give me the word I wanted, regardless of how close to the tip of my tongue it was xD

 

“She held her eyes open wide in an effort to hold back the stinging flood that begged to escape.” – Repetition of ‘hold’ – also, the last phrase seems overcomplicated to me.

 

“the hot stream of tears broke free, cascading down her cheeks”

 

“She would desperately miss her children” – Topic for discussion. Split infinitives: does anybody care? Serious question, I'm not trying to be glib. It’s the old Star Trek issue. Technically ‘to boldly go’ should read ‘to go boldly’, or ‘boldly to go’ (either of which, I think, would have been fine). Here, I think ‘She would miss her children desperately’ is better. As it delivers the emotional punch at the end of the sentence and doesn’t split the infinitive.

 

I'm interested in people’s opinions on this. Like anything else, the odd one probably doesn’t matter, but I see this a lot on RE, and I always notice. Interesting to look out for it in the fiction you are reading and see where it gets past publishers / editors.

 

I'd be interested to hear opinions as well. Personally, I think when used in small quantities, split infinitives can draw attention to a statement. The real question is, is it drawing the right attention? Hmmm.

 

 

To answer the question I didn't cover above:

 

- enough questions? - Yes

- too many questions? - No

 

I did feel that there was something lacking at the start of the queen's pov when the bombshell lands. Part of me wanted to hear the proclamation of course, but that's a secret at this point, I'm fine with that, most of me doesn't want to know it. I think the lack I felt was the connection with the scribe. Is he still standing in front of her, having just read out the Prochitsa's words, or has the queen dismissed him and spent a hour considering what to do? It's just a bit of disconnect between the two sections. That was my feeling anyway.

 

The queen's scene is literally right after the scribe's scene, but I can certainly display it better. Being under 700 words, I have leeway to add to this without making it overly long and complicated. I will work on a better transition as well as look at what is clearly a POV issue. I re-read it, and you're right, I'm clearly in the queen's POV, so when I did my reworking of it, I never updated that. I intended to make the POV stay as the scribe the entire time and I utterly failed on that respect. So now I have to decide, is it better in the queen's or should I swap it? In the queen's POV we have the desperation and sadness, from the scribe's we'd see the barbaric and hopeless side... so hmmm.

 

Actually, the more I think on it now, it is important, because I think we need to know whether the scribe has just been condemned to death. He must be, surely, as she seems to be expunging everyone who has heard the prophecy. The scribe would need to be included in this. Also, does she have the book destroyed? That prophecy is sitting right there. Presumably, she takes the book away, but can she do that?

 

That'll be some of those questions you were asking about!

 

Most of those will get answers... many, many chapters from now  But you're right in one thing, I do need to establish if the scribe is condemned or not - it's quite important to later plot points.

 

For what it's worth, I am now imagining a story where the scribe and the Prochitsa go on the run in a desperate quest to save mankind and escape their fate at the hands of the queen. That's what I'm thinking based on available information to date. That's enough to keep me reading, at this point certainly.

 

Uhm... <hides>

 

I won't give spoilers. But, the story follows 3 main characters, none of which are in this prologue. I know that can be controversial, but this prologue is super important or certain reveals later in the story will 1. come from left field, 2. make absolutely no sense and 3. not have the intended impact needed for story tension and development.

 

Thank you so much for your feedback! It's super useful and gives me hope that I'm finally writing in my native language I'm actually eager to find out how you feel about the chapter one I have, since it's really different from the prologue and we get into actual world-building and meet the first of our main characters. Beware, it's full of adjectives xD

Edited May 10, 2016 by Shadowfax

[Robinski]

If we're still in the scribes p.o.v., you probably don't need the section break for one thing.

 

I have no problem with the prologue being about different characters at a different time. That's kind of what prologues are for. Don't mind me theorising, I was just imagining where this line might go.

 

I'm not against adjectives per se, but with vocabulary comes great responsibility, etc.

[spieles]

p. 1 The lanky man snapped his head back swiftly

 

snapping one's head back" is by definition a swift motion - so you don't need the redundant adverb

 

(...) and blinked his tired brown eyes; he had nearly slipped off his stool that time.

 

I don't like the semi-colon here. It's not that I think they have no place in fiction, but I found it very distracting in a first line.

 

He sighed deeply and glanced around him. The glossy black jade walls of the spherical chamber were smooth and unadorned, as they were yesterday and the day before.

 

I wouldn't normally nit at these things except it's your first paragraph! You have three very similar noun+ action verb sentence constructions in a row. Something to consider for flow purposes: "Sighing deeply, he glanced at he glossy black jade walls of the spherical chamber. Smooth and unadorned, they were the same as they were yesterday and the day before.

 

"She wore a cloak made from the soft, fine fur of a small mammal,"

 

Can you specify the animal? I like those world building details. Even if the mammal is made up.

 

p. 2 I quickly grew fatigued by the question of WHAT THE PROCHITSA SAID. It's already abusing point of view not to tell us - but sometimes I think that's okay if we find out quickly - but I feel like the pacing is off - it takes too long in this instance - I immediately started skimming for the answer.

 

p. 3 When the queen says, "Kill them all." At first I thought that was the Prochitsa's message.

 

I did like the final ending line a lot - but I felt that for the pacing to really work, you should cut the final paragraphs down a bit to absolutely essential details so that the final line had max impact.

 

Otherwise, I'm freaking intrigued. What else did the Prochista say that caused the queen to take such drastic action? High stakes ftw!

Edited May 11, 2016 by spieles

[Valthyr]

Hello!
​Before I say anything else, I have to mention I haven't read the previous exceprts, so bear that in mind.

​- What works and doesn't work for you?

​I find that most of the whole prologue works for me. The POV change (if there was any?) felt a bit weird, especially since we couldn't see the scribe in the room (if he was there). If he wasn't, that makes me wonder - what would his orders be? The same (kill himself), or something else? 
​I loved the bit about the queen's children. It made me feel something I call the "impending doom feeling". I feel that rarely, but when I do, it sticks in the back of my mind, giving a background to all the actions I witness/read. So - awesome!

- I changed Prorochitsa to Prochitsa, does this read better for you?

​I like Prorochitsa more than Prochitsa, but I noticed ... that's a Bulgarian word! I love the fact that you used it, but it got me curious - did you just come across it, or are you researching the culture, or ..? Otherwise, as usual, I agree with Robinski. You paint a strong picture of the Prochica, and she definitely sticks in my mind as someone/thing important, and I think that I won't forget her image soon (even though we'll never see her again, as you said). 

- Is my scribe characterized well enough for a short passage?​

​I think the scribe could use a bit more characterisation - my main issues are with his age, but I saw you've fixed that in the comments above.
​He felt a bit flat to me, because his reaction to the Prochica's words was mostly absent from the text. 

 - Does it leave you with enough questions to keep reading?

​Yes! Definitely yes. The questions are not too many (I am not a fan of Erikson's learning curve).

​- Overall impressions?

​I liked it a lot. It didn't hook me right away, to be honest (the first line), but several sentences in I was into it. I liked the fact that you managed to get so much information across in so few words (<700!) without dumping it all at once. I saw you and Robinski addressed the adjective issue, so I'll just mention that I did notice a bit too many of those (adjectives), but it didn't really bother me. I'd definitely like to read more now, so I await your further submissions!

​P.S.  Robinski: "​Case in point, as a youngster reading LotR, I went through the whole thing reading Aragon instead of Aragorn. Doh!"
​         Same.

 

Edited May 11, 2016 by Valthyr

[Mandamon]

This did feel tighter than the previous version.  Having also read some of the chapters with the POV characters, I'm not sure where the question/pronouncement is revealed, so I'm more on Spieles side, getting frustrated with the lack of any clarity on what this apocalypse is.

 

If I were reading this for the first time, I'd probably be a lot more lenient, ready to read more and find out.

 

Re: Prorochitsa vs. Prochitsa, I didn't have a problem with either, but the second is easier to pronounce.

 

I'll second Robinksi that if this is all in the scribe's POV, you don't need the section break.  The last bit is definitely in the queen's POV at the moment.

 

Would this be the entirety of the prologue, or are you planning on writing some more?  Even if this is something that happens far in the past of the story, I'd like to see a little more at the end, not necessarily even to reveal the catastrophe, but just to get some reactions from the scribe, the queen, those sentenced+9 to death, etc, to give us some more feeling for how bad this thing that's going to happen will be.

[Robinski]

Would this be the entirety of the prologue, or are you planning on writing some more?  Even if this is something that happens far in the past of the story, I'd like to see a little more at the end, not necessarily even to reveal the catastrophe, but just to get some reactions from the scribe, the queen, those sentenced+9 to death, etc, to give us some more feeling for how bad this thing that's going to happen will be.

I will reciprocate and second Mandamon on this point. I thought that seeing the Prorochitsa being thrown into the world and out of her sheltered existance would have made a fascinating story, but that's a whole other ballpark! That aside, I was engaged with the prologue and would have liked to see where it was going, so a bit more would have been enjoyable and perhaps given added weight (in terms of setting and history) to the 'present day' setting that we are heading into.

The more I think about it, the more enthused I am about reading more of the story. Snap to it!!

[Shadowfax]

 

snapping one's head back" is by definition a swift motion - so you don't need the redundant adverb

 

Redundancy is redundant! xD

 

 

I don't like the semi-colon here. It's not that I think they have no place in fiction, but I found it very distracting in a first line.

 

​It's grammatically correct, so I would (because of how my brain works) need to rework the opening sentence. I will address it when I actually do revisions and editing later on.

 

I wouldn't normally nit at these things except it's your first paragraph! You have three very similar noun+ action verb sentence constructions in a row. Something to consider for flow purposes: "Sighing deeply, he glanced at he glossy black jade walls of the spherical chamber. Smooth and unadorned, they were the same as they were yesterday and the day before

 

I liked this rework enough that I put in these changes now instead of waiting. Thank you.

 

Can you specify the animal? I like those world building details. Even if the mammal is made up.

 

The only problem with this is that the animal is native to the island (we wouldn't see it again) and it would be info that isn't necessary for the plot. I have wiggle room since the prologue is so short, and I do love my world-building, so I will consider this. I just have to weigh it against what is 'plot necessary'.

 

p. 2 I quickly grew fatigued by the question of WHAT THE PROCHITSA SAID. It's already abusing point of view not to tell us - but sometimes I think that's okay if we find out quickly - but I feel like the pacing is off - it takes too long in this instance - I immediately started skimming for the answer.

 

My dear scribe is not entirely reliable. I'm sorry it's frustrating. I do have a purpose for not revealing it.

 

p. 3 When the queen says, "Kill them all." At first I thought that was the Prochitsa's message.

 

I'm trying to decide if your misinterpretation works in my favor or not. When I go back to do edits this may or may not be addressed. I want it to be vague but I don't necessarily want readers to think I purposefully mislead them. I want readers to be wowed at the reveal, not pissed at me for lying to them.

 

I did like the final ending line a lot - but I felt that for the pacing to really work, you should cut the final paragraphs down a bit to absolutely essential details so that the final line had max impact.

 

Ah, here is where I have to begin balancing. Most others have wanted me to expand the ending and make it longer, with reactions from others, more explanation of who is in the room, etc. It's much to think about.

 

Otherwise, I'm freaking intrigued. What else did the Prochista say that caused the queen to take such drastic action? High stakes ftw!

 

I'm glad it's interesting, despite the edits needed. And yes, high stakes indeed.

 

 

Thank you for reading and commenting. You've given me a lot to think about and I'm glad these posts are up on a board so when I do get around to doing line edits and revising I can come back and refer to the ones that have info like that in them.

[Shadowfax]

Hello!

​Before I say anything else, I have to mention I haven't read the previous exceprts, so bear that in mind.

 

Hi! And no worries. It's nice to also have a fresher perspective that wasn't subjected to that poorly written drivel!

​- What works and doesn't work for you?

​I find that most of the whole prologue works for me. The POV change (if there was any?) felt a bit weird, especially since we couldn't see the scribe in the room (if he was there). If he wasn't, that makes me wonder - what would his orders be? The same (kill himself), or something else? 

​I loved the bit about the queen's children. It made me feel something I call the "impending doom feeling". I feel that rarely, but when I do, it sticks in the back of my mind, giving a background to all the actions I witness/read. So - awesome!

 

Yes, the POV will be getting a rework. Knowing the scribes position (in literally every definition of the word) is extremely important, so I will be fixing that. And yay for impending doom! I did something right

- I changed Prorochitsa to Prochitsa, does this read better for you?

​I like Prorochitsa more than Prochitsa, but I noticed ... that's a Bulgarian word! I love the fact that you used it, but it got me curious - did you just come across it, or are you researching the culture, or ..? Otherwise, as usual, I agree with Robinski. You paint a strong picture of the Prochica, and she definitely sticks in my mind as someone/thing important, and I think that I won't forget her image soon (even though we'll never see her again, as you said). 

 

It's Russian too, but shared linguistic history, so... I'm a history major, and a lover of languages and cultures. I don't have a master's degree but when I was considering one I was trying to decide between creative writing and cultural anthropology. I research for fun... That said, since this is a fantasy world it won't be entirely 'accurate' as it were. Names relating to the island (which in the original passages is named Buyan) will have that Russian feel/influence. My southern province of Palai will have Greek-influenced naming. The northern province of Elam will have Arabic-inspired naming. The semi-nomadic Yukati people are a mish-mash of influences, as befits their cultural history. I spend way too much time researching and world-building, but I hope it pays off

 

And I'm glad the Prochitsa is sticking in peoples minds. She's such a tiny detail, but the implications are huge. We just won't know it until the end of the book.

- Is my scribe characterized well enough for a short passage?​

​I think the scribe could use a bit more characterisation - my main issues are with his age, but I saw you've fixed that in the comments above.

​He felt a bit flat to me, because his reaction to the Prochitsa's words was mostly absent from the text. 

 

​Yup. getting reworked.

 - Does it leave you with enough questions to keep reading?

​Yes! Definitely yes. The questions are not too many (I am not a fan of Erikson's learning curve).

 

I can't even read Erikson :/ I've tried. I have an ex-husband who is a huge fan but I could just never get into it, so I understand. Some questions will get answered during the course of the book, the big one closest to the end. The big one is the main promise I make, and I will keep it, but I put this as a prologue and not a chapter because I knew most answers won't be immediate. Now my job is to keep you all engaged until I can answer them all properly.

​- Overall impressions?

​I liked it a lot. It didn't hook me right away, to be honest (the first line), but several sentences in I was into it. I liked the fact that you managed to get so much information across in so few words (<700!) without dumping it all at once. I saw you and Robinski addressed the adjective issue, so I'll just mention that I did notice a bit too many of those (adjectives), but it didn't really bother me. I'd definitely like to read more now, so I await your further submissions!

 

I'm actually a bit surprised that I shoved so much into so little space. It reminded me of packing an entire apartment's worth of stuff (sans furniture) into the back of my old Ford Explorer. TETRIS RULES. I think it's about fitting it all so nothing gets broken and things aren't slipping around and you can drive 60+ mph without feeling like everything will fall. So, I treat writing like packing. Get it all in there, but keep it tidy and purposeful and don't leave things loose. No one wants to get to the goal line, open the hatchback and see boxes falling out all over. We should be able to open up the back, take the boxes and remake an apartment and BAM, now we get the whole picture, and not a single glass plate was nicked in transport.

​P.S.  Robinski: "​Case in point, as a youngster reading LotR, I went through the whole thing reading Aragon instead of Aragorn. Doh!"

​         Same.

Thanks so much for reading and commenting I appreciate the fresh eyes. I'm super excited to see how to receive the main characters since you haven't seen them before.

[Shadowfax]

 

This did feel tighter than the previous version.  Having also read some of the chapters with the POV characters, I'm not sure where the question/pronouncement is revealed, so I'm more on Spieles side, getting frustrated with the lack of any clarity on what this apocalypse is.

 

 

If I were reading this for the first time, I'd probably be a lot more lenient, ready to read more and find out.

 

Yeah, sorry about that. You've now read the beginning twice so I can definitely understand the frustration. I will go ahead and say that we DO eventually learn what the Prochitsa says, but not for quite some time.​

 

Re: Prorochitsa vs. Prochitsa, I didn't have a problem with either, but the second is easier to pronounce.

 

​Yeah, with the feedback I had gotten back on it, I changed it to be easier while still keeping the feel of the word.

 

I'll second Robinksi that if this is all in the scribe's POV, you don't need the section break.  The last bit is definitely in the queen's POV at the moment.

 

I use section breaks as time lapses, but I didn't portray that properly so it will be addressed, as well as the POV issue.

 

Would this be the entirety of the prologue, or are you planning on writing some more?  Even if this is something that happens far in the past of the story, I'd like to see a little more at the end, not necessarily even to reveal the catastrophe, but just to get some reactions from the scribe, the queen, those sentenced+9 to death, etc, to give us some more feeling for how bad this thing that's going to happen will be.

 

Yes, it's the entirety, short and to the point. I cut out a LOT of my early sections since everyone seemed to focus more on those than the main characters and I didn't want that to be an issue in the book as a whole. I was running into the problem of Buyan being a focal point when we are really there in the story only once, and while important it's not part of any of the 3 main character's arcs or development. So I cut and trimmed and cut and trimmed and ended up with a little too little and will be addressing it in revisions.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this again, much appreciated. I'm glad it feels tighter, and I will be adding to it and hope to keep it just as tight. I'm pretty sure I can add what's needed and change a few things to give the people what they're asking for in regards to reactions.

 

I spent weeks trying to decide if I added another scene with the scribe, and what he decides to do, and his actions after the queen's proclamation. In the end, I left that out, and I stand to that and will continue to leave it out (it will be revealed later in a different character's POV chapter). However, I agree with the across-the-board sentiment that the emotional/physical reactions of those present are non-existent, so I will address those concerns in editing.

[Robinski]

Lol - great minds!

 

​P.S.  Robinski: "​Case in point, as a youngster reading LotR, I went through the whole thing reading Aragon instead of Aragorn. Doh!" ​         Same.

[Shadowfax]

Is this better? I no longer have the image of the queen crying, but she's not important anyway so I'm (mostly) okay cutting it. I liked the imagery but it does nothing for the plot.

 

 

 

Koroleva stood.

 

     The queen’s cool blue eyes stared towards the south-facing wall. Beyond, her children played in the gardens, watched by their caring attendants. How futile it all seemed now.

 

     “Kill them all,” she whispered. Though, in the silent room where the scribe stood with the queen’s advisors and attendants, the mandate of death carried loudly to each ear. “Then the Prochitsa. Then yourselves.” He held the book close to his chest, arms crossed, using it to shield him from this fate. The advisors looked grim, but accepting; the younger attendants shifted uncomfortably where they stood. None dared speak against her.

 

     She pressed her lips together as she turned to face them and forced her eyes open wide. He could only assume it was in an effort to hold back tears. During his tenure he’d come to know the queen well and this couldn’t have been an easy decision for her to make. But it’s the wrong one, he thought, though he held his tongue. They’d been in this room for hours debating, but the queen’s word was final. Then, she waved off her retinue one last time, and as they shuffled from the room, he had only one goal: live.

 

[Robinski]

Hmm, better tags for the scribe's viewpoint. I was surprised that they would debate this for hours. The queen's decision felt like one made on the instant, a panicked reaction a few minutes after hearing this terrifying proclamation. Maybe that's just me.

[rdpulfer]

- Do the walls of the spherical chambers change? If not, why would the main character feel the need to verbally comment on them, even accidentally to himself?

 

- Not being able to read to the Prochita's words feels like a bit of cop-out, coming from someone who is guilty of using this technique in his own story

 

- The queen's decision doesn't make much sense either.

 

- Honestly, I want to know more about the setting and the characters, but if I was just reading this, I don't know if felt engaged enough with the characters to keep going. I look forward to seeing more in the next chapter. 

[Kammererite]

I thought this was an intriguing opening. It definitely raised one big question for me, which is what did the seer say that would cause the queen to kill her children and all her attendants. 

That said I'm not sold on the story, but then agaoiin i dont know what it is yet so i definitely would want to read chapter 1. 

 

-I changed Prorochitsa to Prochitsa, does this read better for you?

As Robinski was pointing out above, i am one of the people who don't take the time to properly pronounce names. I just roughly memorize the word and fit my own pronunciation two it, however i do think it fits better. 

-Is my scribe characterized well enough for a short passage? (This is his POV chapter)

If this is his only chapter then i would say for me he was. 

 

I though it conveyed the information from the excerpts in a much more coherent and readable fashion.

[kais]

Overall

I found the start slow, but got more into it the farther I read. LOVE the ending, and it makes me want more.

 

Questions

Works? I outlined below.

Name change - works for me, but I was OK with the original, too

Scribe - yes, I am on board with the scribe. Curious, too

Keep reading? YES

Too many questions? No. I am sufficiently intrigued, but not frustrated

 

 

As I go

- Adjectives: I second Robinski on this. There are far too many, and it becomes distracting more than helpful. 

- page 2, the crashing on the soul like a dozen fiery rocks from the sky - this seems a bit overblown. It took me several reads to really get it. Maybe 'crashed on his soul in waves' or 'crashed into his soul as a comet to earth'?

- Ooh, nice ending!!

 

Thanks for the fun submission!

[Eisenheim]

Okay, 2 major thoughts.

 

A few people have mention adjectives. I have the problem of overuse as well. My advice would be to pick which items really need detailed descriptions and focus on them, just let the unimportant ones be bare. That will clear a lot of clutter.

 

I definitely agree with R. D. Pulfer about not hearing the Prochitsa's words. We're in a POV that's listening to them. Why don't we hear along with him? I'm certainly curious enough to read more, but I'm also frustrated at how little I've been given.