Reading Excuses - 5/9/16 - aeromancer - Gears & Sigils Ch. 4 (3972 words)

[aeromancer]

Gears & Sigils is an unpublished novel that I recently finished, and I’m currently doing the first round of serious edits now. Being the case, I decided to submit Chapter 4, the reason being that I feel it needs the most work, and is very important. I’ll probably be shooting off an odd chapter like this every other week, or so. Once I finish doing the serious edits on the whole manuscript, I’ll post on the alpha-readers thread. If you read this, and really like it, and can stand reading through a lot of typos, mistakes, and otherwise bad writing, I don’t mind giving it out for editing earlier, and it would help me tremendously. 

I’d like to hear principally your emotional response to this chapter, how you felt the flow went, and what can be done to clear it up. Especially tell me if I have too much exposition, and yes, I know I may have a soliloquy too much. Chapters 1 & 3 are summarized, Chapter 2 has different character which do not bear any relevance to this chapter. The summarization is slightly verbose, so I threw it before the chapter, and it counts as part of my submission. Gear & Sigils is a steampunk/fantasy novel. Cheers!

[Robinski]

Sorry this is such an immense tome. I hope the comments are useful. Straight away, I'm very interesting to read something else by you after Twin Moon didn’t really connect with me (or me with it, I should say).

 

The set up sounds interesting. Straight away, the set up engages me more than Twin Moon, I think because of the oversaturation of stories about werewolves, vampires, witches, etc. etc. I think the arcane has been seriously over-mined in the last 5 to 10 years.

 

This entertains me more than Twin Moon. I like the dynamic between Jakob, Reil and Ellora – I think it works well and has potential to be sustained through the story. I like the initial events, and the plot set up of Jakob being an Empire guy who is seeing the error of his ways (presumably). I also like the central conflict between the Empire and the League, I feel that could play out nicely.

 

I do have issues though, covered in detail below the line, but I’ll summarise them here:

 

- Ellora being simple as well as paraplegic bothers me. Connecting these two things in her strays towards dangerous ground, and I don’t see a need for her to be simple for the purposes of the story.

 

- Jakob’s dialogue is quite immature in places. I struggle to be convinced by him as a trained soldier, but find it especially hard to believe he is any kind of high-ranking officer. He comes across about 15/16 in places, although less so towards the end.

 

- The whole thing-that-must-not-be-named thing is every bit as annoying as the sarcasm shtick from Twin Moon. Personally, I feel it makes them both look stupid, and I would probably put the book down at that point if I was browsing it in a store, not having bought it.

 

On a critiquing level, I find it curious that both your female characters (that I’ve read so far) are painted as being stupid/annoying/flighty. I would have connected much more strongly with this story (for example), if Ellora was a bright, resourceful young woman refusing to be cowed by the bad fortune that life has cast upon her, fighting against her disability, or turning it around and using it as a strength, as the armour clear must be in some situations.

 

I should say here that you do a nice job of pointing out the armour’s weaknesses so that she does not come across as Iron Woman, good job on that.

 

I'm looking forward to reading more of this.

 

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Chapters 1 and 3 - synopsis

 

“A soldier wakes up at the local Doc’s house in a small village” – Arrrrrggghhhhh! I know it’s a synopsis, but unless the physician is one of the seven dwarves, why is doc(tor) capitalised?

 

I'm troubled by the paraplegic becoming the assistant just by default of being there, it smacks a bit of discrimination. In other words, a paraplegic couldn’t be the assistant in any other way, like applying for the job. Or is that my own prejudiced misconceptions showing? It just felt off to me.

 

“which are colloquially called angels” – Really? Angels again? I seem to read three stories a week about angels. (Ed – this is a massive exaggeration, but there have been several in the last year, say).

 

I'm not sure why an energy construct would lose its memories as well, but I'm willing to believe it.

 

“that Jakob was is [at least to start with] an Empire soldier, and that she locked away his memories to prevent him from revealing secrets” – If she locked his memories, then she is Empire too. Also makes me question again how the construct lost her memories.

 

Chapter 4

 

““Hey, El.” Jakob and Ellora They were approaching the final bend approaching the before town, when Jakob spoke up. “Before we enter the town, I’d like to point out that you never told me what was missing from my jacket.”” – This first sentence is very busy. ‘Approaching’ is repeated, as are the names. Because he says ‘El’ and the tag him as Jakob, you don’t need the repetition, it’s clear who is there and who is talking. Also, his dialogue is stilted. Read it out loud and see if you think it sounds like something a real person would say.

 

Ha-ha, I see that you are calling the character Doc – so ignore my earlier comment about capitalisation

 

““Doc said I’m not allowed to tell you,” she mumbled.” The tag is part of the sentence (usually), certainly in this case.

 

“Ellora thought for a while.” – A while sounds like a long time. Felt more like a ’moment’, although actually, I think you could drop it altogether.

 

Yep, there it is. All this repetition of an awkward phrase is almost exactly like the opening of Twin Moon. You know how I felt about that, so I won’t repeat it here. I will say though that the female character is once again painted as the rather silly one.

 

Also, the suggestion here is that Jakob and Reil considered Ellora to be simple. That is dangerous ground, being paraplegic has nothing to do with mental faculty, so you’re dangerously close to an objectionable (incorrect) stereotype there.

 

“The sight he saw chilled his eyes to core” –Not his eyes, surely, his mind maybe, or his heart, even his soul – but his eyes are just balls of ‘water’.

 

“Bloodstains decorated the walls” – I felt that they were further away, this jarred my sense of the blocking of this scene. In fact, “A trail of debris had been pushed aside to the southeast side of the town” now he’s seeing the southwest side of town. How can he see the whole town when he hasn’t reached it yet?

 

“She’s in their there alone! She’s in danger!” – The dialogue is rather melodramatic. What is your target audience? I'm sensing it’s at the younger end of YA.

 

Why does Jakob stammer? Unless they has a speech impediment, people don’t do that, that I'm aware.

 

“Jakob sunk sank to the ground, tears forming upon his face” – I thought he was a trained soldier? I can’t see an experienced soldier breaking down in this situation, maybe afterwards from PTSD, but not in a potential combat situation.

 

“I understand how you think know now, Jakob.”

 

“and melts her armor onto her!” – Isn’t his first fear that she will die? This seems like an odd reaction.

 

“melancholingly” – melancholically

 

“Oh hey, Yvonne!” Ellora laughed. “I thought everyone here was gone!” – Back to more earlier point. I'm uncomfortable with the paraplegic girl being simple as well.

 

“but there they’re probably terrified”

 

“in it is very likely you are a high-ranking official” – Jakob’s dialogue and his actions make it difficult for me to be convinced he is this. His emotions and his words are unguarded, innocent – they seem uninformed by life experience – immature.

 

I’ve stopped listing typos now, there are a lot – needs a good proof read.

 

“This town was just one stop among many for her.” – Ellora’s voice does not seem entirely consistent. For most of the time, she talks like a 5 year-old, however here her dialogue is more complex and she uses the word supervision.

 

There’s a big bunch of exposition from Ellora here which seems a little out of place, I kept looking over my shoulder, feeling unsure if they were safe at that point.

 

“I think there was a better way to handle that Reil commented.” – Personally, I like to minimise dialogue tags, which makes that ones you do use more effective. To me, when Reil is ‘commenting’, it’s clear from the formatting of her text, so you don’t need a tag unless it conveys something useful. I don’t think this one does, for example.

[spieles]

Hrm. Lots of good ideas. A real sense of adventure and liveliness. So my biggest problem so far is that I had a hard time liking Jakob. His character feels inconsistent to me. If he's going to freak out over the village, there should be a negative reaction from Reil, e.g. "Are you still in diapers? Find Ellora, you idiot." Alternatively, he should not freak out but feel a growing sense of horror and disgust with the empire.

 

Sometime I think you hit the nail on the head, though. I liked the part where Ellora talks about how the rest of the town were jerks to her, and she can't bring herself to care - and how that makes her need Doc even more. That felt very real and really increased the stakes for finding doc.

 

Right now though, the tone of the story is veering campy - which makes it hard to take the story seriously and therefore for the reader to get swept up in the tension - but I want to be! 

 

 

p. 1 - “Hey, El.” Jakob and Ellora were approaching the final bend approaching the town, when Jakob spoke up. 

 

So, you use approaching twice. I'd change the first to "approached" (always easier/clearer for the reader to use the simpler verb tense) and then the second to "nearby" or something of the like.

 

p. 2 "That was … somewhat ingenious"

 

Was it? The part about "Yours is glowy, and it cuts stuff in half, and –“ seemed a bit obvious.

 

- "sense of a frown from her."

 

Not sure what a "sense of a frown" is. Do her brows gather? Does her mouth tighten? I think you could be more specific with this.

 

p. 3 The guessing right now is a little tedious - and less enjoyable - but I'm wondering how much of that has to do with not having read the previous chapters.

 

p. 4 “WHAT?” Jakob asked, shocked.

 

I don't think you need any dialogue tag here. The WHAT? is a good, obvious bam. Though, I think you might want to cut down the questions of is the town burning or no could be shortened. It's a little awkward for him to have Ellora run off (how fast is her steampunk armor? I'd like a sense of it here in this emergency situation) - then have him have the conversation with Reil - then have Ellora scream. You might want to start with Reil noting that an exothermic reaction is taking place nearby and then have the subsequent reactions.

 

p. 5 "A colossal blaze had taken control of the southwest side of the town, spreading outward steadily. Flames crackled as they devoured the buildings. Bloodstains decorated the walls, and near the north where Jakob was, a heap of bodies lay fallen bearing the symbol of the town’s watch. They all bore obvious wounds. The town had been attacked in their absence."

 

The description is good, but it feels very remote and impersonal. As a reader, I'd prefer for him to look at one body perhaps, identify with it (so that I can) and then generalize that feeling with the town.

 

p. "“I ….” Jakob stammered. “Ellora! She’s in their alone! She’s in danger!”

 

My hate of exclamation points is rising here. They make me think that Jakob is not in control but simply hysterical. The campiness of it makes it harder to identify with the character. Unless you're directly addressing his cowardice and inexperience as a major flaw - but I didn't get that gist?

 

p. 6 Reil spun around, taking in the scene. To the right a building on fire. The left, a house with its door ajar, a pool of blood upon its doorstep. No, I cannot … Jakob, death has no hold upon my kind. We can understand it with words, yes. But, we cannot comprehend it, like your kind can. Humans know death, so they know the pain, the lost that comes with it. Angels, she paused. Angels are not us. Angels are higher beings who help humanity when they need it. We are shadows named after your legends, and we are pathetic echoes of them. I am sorry she repeated

 

Hrm. I'm still getting the same remoteness from her that I already got from his perspective, just more intellectualized. Ellora has the doc to care about - but can you find a character or a connection to make this travesty deeply personal for Jakob (and therefore the reader).

 

p. 6 "Jakob wiped away his tears."

 

I don't mind characters (especially men) crying in stories but it has to be for a really good reason. Right now its' just a dead town full of people he doesn't know - so it isn't working for me. I'd expect him to feel horror and disbelief but I'm not sure this level of sadness is realistic.

 

“You don’t understand, Reil.” Jakob said. “True, all humans die someday, But even that is mourned as well. To lose an entire town, before their time to live was up?” He paused, gathering dust in his palm. A wind whistled around him. “Unthinkable, except with great sorrow.”

 

This speech felt cliche and preachy. It needs to be deeply personal to work. I might cut all of this and go straight to the part where Ellora finds the doc.

 

p. 7 "only death awaited her."

 

Cliche. Your next line is better, more horrifying and specific.

 

 

- “Oh hey, Yvonne!” Ellora laughed. “I thought everyone here was gone! But you’re still here! Can you tell me what happened?”

The corpse did not respond.

 

Ah! What the monkeys! We need way more interiority here. If she's having a mental breakdown - we need to be guided through that. So Ellora needs to stare at the hole in her eye - she needs to realize that if Yvonne is dead - then the doc might be... - except she can't handle that thought - her breathing goes nuts - her visions swims - she looks at Yvonne again and she thinks she sees her chest moving - she rushes to give medical aid (the reader isn't sure if Yvonne is dead or alive) - and then we slowly realize that Ellora is losing her mental stuffing....

 

p. 8 - Jakob is going to see Ellora and his first question should be about Doc, yeah?

 

p. 9 - Jakob glanced outside the window. The buildings next to them weren’t on fire. Yet. Reil, how much time do we have left?

 

Head hopping. I haven't seen an omniscient point of view up until now. (I infinitely prefer limited so I'd encourage you to keep to that but if you were to go omniscient, we should see way more). Or there should be a scene cut where we switch back to Jakob.

 

p. 9 At this rate, approximately one hundred and fifty seconds until the house starts burning. The fire is picking up speed. I would recommend we leave before then.

 

I didn't get any signs of the growing heat or the smoke inhalation - Ellora should be sensing those things (even if she ignores them because she's gone batty)

 

p. 11 In other words, in is very likely you are a high-ranking official that even a description of could prove dangerous to the Empire.

 

Right now I don't buy this. He's too hysterical and erratic for someone in a position of authority. If he's ever been in a management/leadership position, he's going to have a cooler head in an emergency than he's shown so far. (With almost no exclamations....)

 

p. 12 I'm wondering where the discussion of Doc is at this point? I'd think Jakob would be reassuring her that if he's not there - they need to find him pronto.

 

p. 13 "Ellora shook her head. Jakob continued, “It means that sometimes, everything seems impossible. Sometimes, there’s only black around you. But, there’s still hope. It’s up to you to make it happen. You’ve got to be the one to start.”

 

Too much cliche. Also, he's been way too freaked out this chapter to have this sudden wisdom. 

 

“I wasn’t born, here in this village. I was born somewhere else, but my mother left that place long ago. My father died there before I was born, and my mother couldn’t stay there, with all the memories of him being there. I have a couple memories of us traveling around the country, but that was long ago.”

 

We need the name of the specific village and the place where she was born. My other thought is that this full explanation of her childhood is a massive info dump - there are much more exciting ways to reveal this to the reader (make us work for it!)

 

p. 14 Ellora ignored him and continued, her sobs fading slightly. “I don’t really care about the rest of the town. They were nice to Doc, sure. But they never helped me at all. Only Doc did. Even when I got my armor, all they saw was the same cripple who was stuck in a bed all those years. No friends. Only sympathy behind closed doors. Until you came along.”

 

I like this from her - much more real. 

 

p. 16 - Reil, our memories are lost. It very well might have been. Jakob slowly looked up. “The soldiers were Empire troops. It’s all my fault the town was destroyed. I would apologize, but I don’t think there is a way to make it up to you for it.”

 

This did not work for me. Does Jakob have no sense of people? Ellora is already in the middle of a mental break. It's not about lying - it's about finding a solution for him and Ellora to save doc. Ellora doesn't even care about the town except for Doc, so Jakob's explanation of not-lying and then her freak out didn't really ring true for me.

 

p. 16 “I will not have another life against my conscience.”

 

Cliche.

 

"Jakob's mouth twisted a savage grin of a predator."

 

I don't buy this. So far my impression of him is that he's a high-strung boy who likes the sound of his own moralizing voice. I don't buy any courage or tactical capability from him.

 

I don't understand how they know it's a trap? And what does being rude have anything to do with it?

[Mandamon]

Like Robinksi, I connect with this story a lot more than Twin Moons.  However, I also really disliked Ellora being simple.  I think her character has great potential, but aside from her speech at the end about not fitting in, she seems very incapable.  I was alright with Jakob, but like spieles says, I think some of the dialogue makes him seem inconsistent.  I don't have a really good feeling for his character yet, except that he seems to be brave enough to take up a quest when he has no memory of it.

 

 

I'll dive right into my notes:

 

pg 2: Ellora is a paraplegic, but we don't hear anything about her metal exoskelton in the first few pages.  Maybe you cover this a lot in the first chapters, but I would expect to hear squeaks and clanks while she walks, and have the soldier constantly aware of her.

 

pg 3: Thing-I'm-not-supposed...

--the first couple times this is funny, past that it just gets annoying to read.

By the way, in the introduction you describe Ellora as a "cheery and childish" paraplegic.  Is she actually a child, or just child-like?

-edit: evidently child-like.  I don't have a good idea of her age.

 

pg 4: Ellora is past his line of sight...

--does she move faster or slower than him in her suit?

 

pg 5: "chilled his eyes to core"

--nope.  Several things wrong here.

 

pg 5: "remember your soldier training"

--Does he remember his training?  Or is that part of his lost memory?

 

pg 5: "tears forming on his face"

--not unless he sweats tears.

 

pg 6: "Reil spun around"

--wait, Reil is physical?  I thought she was a voice in Jakob's head?

 

pg 7: The whole stopping of action to have a philosophical discussion with an angel on the nature of human suffering bleeds all the tension away.  Jakob even realizes the fire is still spreading at the end.  Normal human reaction (to me) would be to address the problem endangering his life first, then muse on what it means for the town.

 

pg 7: "Ellora crashed though the door"

--Still no mention of her clockwork armor.  I really want to know more about it and how it works in emergencies!

--ok, you do mention it briefly a few pps on, but only to say that it creaks.

 

pg 8: Umm...is Ellora an imbecile (in the technical sense)?  She's talking to an obvious corpse and seems to be actually expecting an answer.

 

 

pg 9: "her voice came back muffled..."

--Are we back in Jakob's POV?  There was no separation.  Also, the rest of this sentence doesn't really make sense.

 

pg 9: "What letter"

--I guess she is an imbecile...

--and getting progressively more annoying.

 

pg 11: "Reil's physical form"

--ok, I guess she does have one.  I don't think it was mentioned before now.

"I cannot leave your body."

--ok, now I'm confused.

 

pg 12: I'm guessing Ellora is in shock, but it's not coming over that way to me.

 

pg 13: "apart from my head..."

--so then how does she control the armor?

 

pg 14: "it hurts to blow my nose in armor."

--why?  And if she's paralyzed, moving around isn't going to affect her strength unless the armor is activating her muscles.

 

 

Overall, I liked the setting and generally what's happening in the story.  I don't know if I'm missing a lot from the first few chapters, but I did not get a good sense of how Ellora moves around in the armor, or how it works.  I was also confused on how Reil works, and why/how she's attached to Jakob's arm.  Most of Ellora's actions came across as mildly annoying, but I was ok with Jakob.

[aeromancer]

Excellent. Some responses.

 

@Robinski: Glad to see you like this. Yes I agree with the Jaokb sentiment, he needs to speak like a blasted soldier. However, due to RAFO, he’s … okay, spoiler alert for the next chapter, he’s a Prince. Not that kind of Prince. More of like a full scholarship for abilities kind of thing, Prince is just a title. Actually, that gets into RAFO too exactly what it is (not a big secret, but only explained in Chapter 13), but he doesn’t have much military experience that someone with his equivalent rank in modern military would have. And, for the record, yes Ellora is somewhat simple and annoying (though I find it ‘endearingly charming’), but you forgot about the other female character in the submission: Reil, who is essentially a foil to Ellora. I have ‘edit’ written three times in capitals in my notes in regards to her speech. It’s just I rewrote it four times on the rough draft before I could read through the whole thing without shuddering, so I’m pushing that off. “

“Oh hey, Yvonne!” Ellora laughed. “I thought everyone here was gone!” – Back to more earlier point. I'm uncomfortable with the paraplegic girl being simple as well.” No, this is insanity. Psychological shock.

 

@spieles: Very pleased to hear you like Ellora’s ending speech, that’s the main reason I submitted it. Can you please define ‘campy’ for me? Aside from that, your critiques are spot on, and will help make the scene more emotional, thank you. I decided against descending Ellora into madness, and skipping straight through it, I think the reason is because either I hate writing that kind of stuff, or it literally drives me somewhat insane for a couple hours. I like clichés, and “what does being rude have anything to do with it?” Well, if someone went through all the effort of leaving an obvious trail for you to follow, that means that there is no doubt a trap at the end of the rainbow, and if someone trying to set a trap, it can definitely be viewed as rude to deny them of their fun by refusing to spring it.

 

@Mandamon: “I don't have a really good feeling for his character yet, except that he seems to be brave enough to take up a quest when he has no memory of it.” That’s what I want! Along with platonic good person, but apparently you didn’t get that. “Thing-I'm-not-supposed” Yeah, my notes told me to remove it too. I just laugh every time I see it, and skip the paragraph so the rest don’t annoy me.

 

General Notes: The armor is clockpunk, by the way, not steampunk. Steampunk armor can take heat better than clockpunk armor … because. The reason why it’s not described better is because I hadn’t yet decided on how exactly the armor work. Poor form, yes, but this is very rough. This chapter is a bit childish, starting from around Chapters 8 or 9 onwards, less so because I started being a lot more serious. I seriously regret not starting with earlier chapters, because there is development there, but I’m not going back to them. If you feel like doing me a favor, though, you can ask for 1&3. Chapter 2 will probably be submitted, because it has no overlap characters.

Highlight to read spoilers as to Ellora's character: She spent twenty years stuck in a bed, than received her armor around five years prior, Yes, she's thirty. The reason she acts childish is because she's not fully human, she's part witch. Her species doesn't fully mature until around 150 years old. She is unaware of this.

 

My Cliché Rant: Clichés are awesome, okay? Sure, experience readers see them from half the book away, but you want to see them. You want to hear the hero cry “Never!”, you want to hate the evil overlord because he does unnecessarily evil stuff, you want everyone to secretly be related, unless they’re planning it by marriage. Clichés are like signposts that drivers don’t need, but are helpful. Tell me if you disagree.

Edited May 11, 2016 by aeromancer

[spieles]

Excellent. Some responses.

 

@spieles: Very pleased to hear you like Ellora’s ending speech, that’s the main reason I submitted it. Can you please define ‘campy’ for me? Aside from that, your critiques are spot on, and will help make the scene more emotional, thank you. I decided against descending Ellora into madness, and skipping straight through it, I think the reason is because either I hate writing that kind of stuff, or it literally drives me somewhat insane for a couple hours. I like clichés, and “what does being rude have anything to do with it?” Well, if someone went through all the effort of leaving an obvious trail for you to follow, that means that there is no doubt a trap at the end of the rainbow, and if someone trying to set a trap, it can definitely be viewed as rude to deny them of their fun by refusing to spring it.

 

Hrm - I'm not sure campy is the exact write word, but I would say "campy" means the story veers a bit Princess Bride or Monty Python or jokey at times. And that can be okay, but I feel like that is one of the most challenging style to write well. (Though it perhaps the most fun thing in the whole universe to actually write). But yeah, sometimes it feels like the writer is cackling to themselves as they unleash the whims of their heart while the reader is left behind. I think clamping down on Jakob's more immature moments and then developing the emotional transitions (like Ellora's descent into her mad moment described above) will catch the reader up.nt twenty years stuck in a bed, than received her armor around five years prior, Yes, she's thirty. The reason she acts childish is because she's not fully human, she's part witch. Her species doesn't fully mature until around 150 years old. She is unaware of thi

My Cliché Rant: Clichés are awesome, okay? Sure, experience readers see them from half the book away, but you want to see them. You want to hear the hero cry “Never!”, you want to hate the evil overlord because he does unnecessarily evil stuff, you want everyone to secretly be related, unless they’re planning it by marriage. Clichés are like signposts that drivers don’t need, but are helpful. Tell me if you disagree.

 

Hrm. I would agree that cliches, if used cleverly, can be fabulous. Especially if we know that the author is poking fun at his own characters (Pixar does this masterfully with its villains, such as Despicable Me), but I didn't really get that sense here. If you do want to develop that more, using Riel as the "straight character" to make fun of Jakob's more outlandish moments could be a great way to go. 

[Robinski]

@Robinski:  And, for the record, yes Ellora is somewhat simple and annoying (though I find it ‘endearingly charming’) - Yeah, I would tread carefully there. I've read your hidden text and I think you need to be upfront about that, otherwise some readers will spend a lot of the story questioning whether Ellora's character is in bad taste or not. I just think Ellora deserves better than for people to spend a long time with a false impression of her. Also, considering her speech at the end, I'm still thinking there's inconsistency in her dialogue.

 

but you forgot about the other female character in the submission: Reil, who is essentially a foil to Ellora. Fair comment, but, I can see having humour as a foil for grumpiness; or selflessness as a foil for self-interest, etc.

 

“Oh hey, Yvonne!” Ellora laughed. “I thought everyone here was gone!” – Back to more earlier point. I'm uncomfortable with the paraplegic girl being simple as well.” No, this is insanity. Psychological shock. There's a lot going on with Ellora, and I don't think I had her tone down before these other things came in - I had trouble telling them apart.

 

My Cliché Rant: Clichés are awesome, okay? Sure, experience readers see them from half the book away, but you want to see them. You want to hear the hero cry “Never!”, you want to hate the evil overlord because he does unnecessarily evil stuff, you want everyone to secretly be related, unless they’re planning it by marriage. Clichés are like signposts that drivers don’t need, but are helpful. Tell me if you disagree. I think if it comes over cliched, it's probably not worked. Like Spieles says, I think you need another layer going on, like irony, humour, etc. Tropes can be familiar, even expected, but still not be cliched. 

[aeromancer]

I have no way to be "upfront about the hidden text" because no one knows about it yet. Now, I will claim that Ellora comes across better characterized in 1 & 3, but I'm not actually sure if that's true. Concept wise, Ellora is a cheerful character with a sad backstory, which definitely works. She acts as a little sister to Jakob, weird as that sounds, for a lot of the book. I feel secure in the concept, but I will take your advise in regards to her simple personality. You do say that a lot is happening with Ellora, but she has been developed already, you just haven't read it.

Edited May 12, 2016 by aeromancer

[Robinski]

Fair comment. I can only take your word for it, but it's good to hear your confidence in your story. Interested to read more if you're going to put it up.

[rdpulfer]

- The first line is a little awkward. Its feels a little too long and unnecessary, especially since we don't know who is talking until later.

 

- I like Ellora spilling the beans, but I feel it also could be cut down just a bit to make it more impactful.

 

- Jakob's interplay with Reil is also effective.

 

- Ellora's conversation with the corpse was weird. I didn't know if this a quirk of hers or if we were supposed to think this is odd. This could just be Weekly Reader Syndrome.

 

- Though I do like Jakob reasoning to her with "summer".

 

- Ellora's backstory is good, but I'd like to see more reactions from Jacob to break up the infodump. 

 

- Overall, it's a good story. A lot of the issues I have could be from just jumping into the middle of the story. But I am interested to see where these characters are going.

[kais]

Better late than never, eh?

 

General

I had a hard time getting into this. Part of it is likely because of starting at chapter 4, but a lot had to do with the inconsistent writing of Ellora and lack of empathy for the MC. I didn't feel any tension, and I'm more confused than anything else. I'd read more, certainly, but right now I'm left with a 'huh'? feeling.

 

Your Questions

Emotional response - I was frustrated by the almost bipolar nature of Ellora, and was confused about the MC. I'd really like to know more about the armor.

Flow - I thought it was slow, and the info dump by Ellora at the end did not help. I would have liked more tension

Exposition - yes, too much. Would like more description / world building, less info dump talking. I see the thread of an awesome story, and I want to dig it out!

 

 

As I Go

- Page three - Ellora pronounced the word weirdly. Could you explain this instead of telling? I'd like to get more immersed with Ellora.

- Page 4 - if Jakob is going to get confused by Reil's words, they should be a bit more complex. "Exothermic reaction' is pretty standard English. Maybe get technical - "Carbon is being released from cellulosic compounds...etc etc"

- page 5: they all bore obvious wounds. Describe!

- I'm having a hard time with the writing of Ellora. Her childishness is portrayed somewhat in her actions, but not her speech. When Yvonne is found, that interplay makes some sense, but if Ellora is incapable enough to not know dead from alive, how is she taking in all the rest of the scene? The blend keeps throwing me from the narrative, and makes the character unconvincing.

- page 10, the trying to talk like Ellora to get her to move. This would be a neat scene to expand a little, to give us a feel for how her mind works. It currently falls flat. Why is summer bad? Why wouldn't summer be good, thus causing her to run towards the flames? I'd love to see more complex convincing.

- page 12 - Ellora giggling also seems out of place. It is making her childlike instead of simple

- page 13, 14 - that info dump is really complex for how you've made Ellora out.

- 16: Ellora does a lot of running off

[aeromancer]

Your Questions

Emotional response - I was frustrated by the almost bipolar nature of Ellora, and was confused about the MC. I'd really like to know more about the armor.

Flow - I thought it was slow, and the info dump by Ellora at the end did not help. I would have liked more tension

Exposition - yes, too much. Would like more description / world building, less info dump talking. I see the thread of an awesome story, and I want to dig it out!

When dealing with fantasy, people talking to corpse is not a sign of insanity. The moral of the story is that I need to be explicit that Ellora is suffering from a form of PTSD. Noted. I'd also like to know more about the armor (still concepting the thing.)

Working on it.

 

I think my game plan is to have Ellora tip into madness when she enters the building, then swap POV to Jakob and have him encounter her talking to a corpse. And cut her exposition speech, I yelled at myself to do so during my edits, and I apparently have a hard time listening.

[kais]

Being explicit would help. I got from it that she was 'simple', not PTSDed, and that colored my view of her actions. The chapter makes a lot more sense with a PTSD lens, and puts the whole thing in perspective.