Feedback on short story, please!

[Brightness Enna]

I have an interesting English teacher. This isn't a rant, though, so I'll skip that part.

 

She gave us an assignment to write a short story (I think she said three pages but mine ended up being 15 ) set in the Wild West of America and using at least one person you know really well. So mine uses a modified version of Wax and Wayne, which is why this is in fan fiction. I changed their names and (sadly) took away their powers. 

 

Anyway, I'm a little upset but mostly confused by some of my teacher's comments. I wrote in third person limited from a specific character's point of view, but she seems to think I wrote in third omniscient and thus strayed a little too far into first person, seeing as I give the character's opinion on things he's observing. She has a specific problem with a phrase on page 4 of the document (3rd page of the story), when it is talking about "Owen" pulling a "dang rock" out of his pocket. Yeah, the phrasing is weird, but her beef is with the fact that my character is commenting on what he's seeing in that way. I don't see a problem with the concept.

 

Of course, I'm biased. It's my story. So I wanted to ask for some feedback, both for that specific problem and for anything else. Let me know! I'm attaching the story as a .pdf. 

 

Thanks, you guys! Looking forward to some criticism.

WANTED Dragon David.pdf

[CaptainRyan]

Bit of a necro post but I don't really see any issue with that sentence. August would have access to all of the information in that sentence (Owen's name, the rock etc.) without needing to be omniscient. I am at work so I didn't finish the whole story but I think you did a fabulous job of representing Wax and Wayne in the few pages I read. Well done!