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Reading Excuses The Big L 05022016 5672 words


rdpulfer

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Overall, I enjoyed it. Unfortunately the werewolf trope and the corresponding rules are quite well know, so the 29 days thing telegraphed the ending far ahead. I liked the clues about good sense of smell and hearing, they weren't obvious. 

 

I don't feel that the camera clicks and black helicopters were sufficiently explained. Yes, it's a government conspiracy, but they are tropes without purpose.

 

And now just a couple specific issues.

 

  • “Jackass.” The large man said as he brought he pulled in a tray of food

Phrasing is confusing

 

 

  • “What I told you there was?” 

Perhaps you meant “What? I told you there was?”

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Lycanthropy! Although that's not my term for it, that is the generally accepted term, so that works perfectly. The buildup of tension is excellent, it reminds me of Shirley Jackson's The Lottery in the sense of a normal situation that starts subtly going wrong. Couple of counter points: Hypnotism: So, while I can't actually hypnotize people, I do know a bit about it. Rule #1: You cannot hypnotize someone against their will. Sure, you can create a focus, but they have to accept the focus. Music helps as does relaxation, but the subject cannot be coerced, and it is really easy to break out of, the hard part is wanting too. "Twenty-nine and a half days?" There's no half day. It is night only. Everyone knows that, so it's not really a big deal, but it throws me off kilter. Yes, I know how long a lunar month is (actually I know it to the second, I'm writing with werewolves too), but rounding never hurt anyone. Question: Silver. Does silver work, and if yes, do they silver the doors?

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@  Glubbdrub - Thanks for the comments. I think you were the first reader (so far) that saw the conclusion coming. I'll definitely rework the some of the phrasing, and also explain the surveillance in more detail

 

@ aeromancer - Thanks especially for the Shirley Jackson comparison :) I was trying to build up the tension without ever using the "were" word. I've actually been hypnotized before (once, at a holiday party. The less said about that the better), so I was drawing from that. I'll downplay the main character's reluctance to be hypnotized to make it more realistic. And yeah, I was definitely worried about getting the lunar month wrong. I'll just keep it at 29 days. I suppose silver could be used to barricade the door, but then there's a possibility the patients could injure themselves on the silver during the full moon. 

 

Thanks for all the comments so far! They are really helpful!

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Hey rdpulfer!

 

Looking forward to reading and reviewing! Let’s get started!

 

  • The first paragraph doesn’t hook me hard—no immediate question to pull me, but  I am wondering about what incidents happen around him, and your narrative voice is good, so I’m confident enough to keep going and find out what you deliver.
  • ‘overwhelming scent of the smelly’ – just now I’m thinking that this is one word too many about the marker.
  • ‘as if was’ – add ‘it’ typo
  • ‘ignoring that it featured…’ This sentence has a good idea, but it’s a few phrases too long. I’d take out ‘that it featured’ and condense to ‘ignoring its absurdly…etc’
  • Forest Ridge—We’re in a retirement home? This is great. This is not the setting I thought I was in. Based on the first line I thought I was in an office or factory. My interest level has just surged because you’ve managed to surprise me in a good way.
  • ‘Even outside, I felt’ -- Verb tense feels weird. The simple past makes it sound like a one time even, but I suppose you mean to imply something in the imperfect past, a continuing sense of being watched.
  • ‘act like a good little boy’ – Ah, good, we’re getting to the conflict. Hm, I wonder if this is a reliable narrator? Does he actually have a chance to leave the nursing home? I’ll keep reading to find out.
  • ‘inadequate’ – lol, good timing for a little comic relief before the setting gets too dark
  • ‘bank vault opening’ –great image
  • “Jack-bleep,” the – fix punctuation here
  • ‘Number Two’ – I’m disappointed. The dialogue led me to think they had a sarcastic friendship going on.
  • ‘just what he represented’ – The paragraph starts with this idea, but then you don’t elaborate on it. You sidetrack with more history about Matthews –interesting history—but it’s not connected to the initial thought, so I feel more confused that I’m not divining the real problem.
  • ‘Don’t get paranoid’ – so it the narrator’s problem that he thinks something weird about Matthews? The previous paragraph implies that, but that still doesn’t line up with the initial assessment of ‘what he represented’
  • ‘Its fine’ – should be “It’s fine.” The contraction carries the apostrophe.
  • ‘fabric softener’ – The narrator is fixating a lot on smells. I wonder if this is going somewhere? It’s fine if it doesn’t, but I’m wondering.
  • ‘If I’d knew’ – if this is dialect on purpose, fine, if not, change it to the participle ‘known’
  • ‘starred’ – stared
  • ‘Night terrors’ – Oh, and he paused. Interesting.
  • ‘…all I care,” – fix punctuation here
  • ‘out of the wheel’ – Huh?
  • ‘trying to convince more’ – I like his faltering confidence
  • ‘bingo’ – What about dominoes? I see a lot more old folks playing dominoes than bingo. It’s fine, just musing here.
  • ‘Siodmak’ – on the first mention I thought it was the name of some prescription drug
  • Why is the food in the cafeteria spice heavy? Spices are expensive, and cafeteria and hospital food are famous for being bland. If this plays into something with his sensitivity to smell, I’d buy it, but right now, that seems a little unlikely.
  • ‘specially-made’ – Okay, he’s saying his room is normal, and now I’m wondering if we’re going to get some setting twist at the end that the time period is way different from what the narrator thinks or something. Curiousity is rising. Good!
  • ‘rebab’ – rehab?
  • Hm, if my theory stands, they’re hoping he’ll remember some significant detail to the reality of the world around him, and he’s not doing it.
  • I don’t understand why Matthews the orderly would have a call higher than the doctor on any kind of ‘alternative treatment’ – unless the treatment is something that Matthews would do that’s not medical in nature per se
  • ‘I backed away from the door’  -- Did he get out of bed? I didn’t notice.
  • “…while,” Diana said, etc. You’ve got a recurring problem (though not always) with commas and dialogue. Probably a good idea to brush up.
  • ‘grass tickled sandals’ – I know what you mean by this, but it doesn’t make sense.
  • ‘one’ is implied with hundred so you can take that word out
  • ‘Diana asks’ – asked and ‘set’ not sets
  • ‘tired to’ – tried to
  • ‘okay,” Diana said – comma fix again
  • ‘keeps’ – kept
  • ‘not it,’ – comma fix
  • simply said, “I need – comma
  • “What if I told you” – missing if
  • I’m not making a lot of notes from the time Matthews suggest hypnotism because I’m too involved in the suspense to low down.
  • Wiat. 29 days. Poked with poison. …FRANK’s A WEREWOLF ISN’T HE?!

Overall thoughts:

 

I really enjoyed that you ‘caught’ me with the twist. I’m also really happy that all the details that I caught but I didn’t add up until it was happening. I liked Frank as a character, though Siodmak felt a little shallow and boring, not that he should be too interesting. His role is pretty small. Otherwise, good story. You captivated me toward the end.

 

Please, please fix your dialogue punctuation, though. It’s really distracting.

 

Also, there were a few slips in tense, and I thought several times that the pacing of this short story might feel good in present tense. Have you considered it?

 

Thanks for submitting!

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Obligatory 'as I go' notes:

- page 1, second paragraph, noting the marker is 'smelly' again seems like a bit of overkill. It was well established in the first paragraph. In that same vein, 'calendar' is redundant in the second paragraph.

- Love the 'enter at the risk of feeling extremely inadequate' line!

- page 2, second to last paragraph has a typo 'he brought he pulled'

- Page 4 - Did you mean 'The Price IS Right'?

- pg 17: the procedure is that night? Fishy. Why does the guy go along with it? Why doesn't that raise a ton of alarm bells?

- pg 23: very nice. Enjoying the reveal

 

 

General

Overall, I really liked it. The beginning few pages seemed just a tad slow, and I think you could trim a little to tighten there. Loved the middle and the reveal was great! End last page seemed like a little too long of a wrap up, but I'm unsure what to suggest to tighten it. Maybe cut some of the dialogue to get to the punch of the last few paragraphs? After the Big Reveal there was no dangle ending so the dialogue and interactions following the Big Reveal fell sort of flat. I did see the werwolf coming once the timeline of 29 days was mentioned, but the heightened smell and hearing didn't connect until later. 

 

Thanks for an awesome read!

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I don't really have much to comment on. This was quite a pleasant read. It felt so authentic. I love Frank's character and the dialogue is just so realistic, I like it. You also have many cool expressions like "held his cards close to the chest" and "steered me the wrong way". They may be well-known for English speakers, but for me it was my first encounter and I loved it. That aside, the story seemed a tad slow at first, and I almost dropped it. I wasn't hooked from the start and just kept reading in the hope of a good twist. I also don't understand what the big L stands for. C for cancer, H for heart-attack, but L for what? I understood that he transformed into a werewolf but I don't recall any word relating to that theme and starting with L. Enlighten me please :D

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@ king007 - The word is lycanthropy, which is the English name for the condition of werewolfism. There is actually a recognized psychological condition called "clinical lycanthropy" which refers to people who think they are turning into a wolf every night. Basically, I wanted to tell a story without ever actually saying "werewolf".

 

@ krystallynn03 - Tense is something I'm still struggling with. Could you maybe give me an example where it slips out of past tense? 

 

@ kaisa - It sounds like I need to rework the opening a bit, make it a bit more gripping. 

 

Thanks for all the notes. 

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For example, at one point in the story, you put 'Diana asks' when it should have been 'Diana asked'.

 

Even so, I still think this story would sound great in the present completely. My mind kept trying to read it that way with its edgy, unreliable narrator. Think about it! :) (persuasion train chugga-chugga-choo-choo!)

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For example, at one point in the story, you put 'Diana asks' when it should have been 'Diana asked'.

 

Even so, I still think this story would sound great in the present completely. My mind kept trying to read it that way with its edgy, unreliable narrator. Think about it! :) (persuasion train chugga-chugga-choo-choo!)

Thanks for the suggestion krystallyn03 - I'll definitely give it some thought. Tense is something I need to work on. 

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I'm glad to read something of yours again, RD. I'm taken back to those halcyon days of 63 chapters of Scholomancer over what must have been 5 months, and the bittersweet cocktail of rip-roaring action and myriad typos!! :D

 

Straight away, I'm into your direct style, which I like, slowed down by phrasing issues (I believe) and typos, but I know what I'm getting into, so I'm okay with that. Frank is a character that keeps the attention, and the NPCs are well enough fleshed out to be distinctive, which is fine. I commented below in some detail about the lack of SFF elements (as I saw it) until well into the story. There are sideways comments about the night terrors, but we don’t see or head enough about them to be particularly scared of them, I think.

 

The end of the story is pretty satisfying, but I do have unanswered questions about the condition. It seems ‘L’ is for lycanthropy, although the creature is not specifically described as a ‘wolf’, but something with freaky eyes, sharp teeth and fur, could be a were-beaver.

 

I did not put the 29 days thing together on the way through the story, the reason being that I am not one for trying to figure out where the plot is going when reading fiction. I take what I'm given, preferring the let the writer lead me through their story.

 

The ending – I think you could drop the last line and let the reader fill that in, I think that would be more powerful, sort of like ellipsis.

 

Good job on the Writers of the Future thing. Did you submit it with all those typos? Yeesh, they must be forgiving, I'm going to get me on that train!!

 

Seriously though, entertaining story, my main quibble apart from the grammar and typos would be the fantastical elements being a bit sparse, but still enjoyed it.

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

The smell of the red marker drifted off the calendar with a pungent odor.” – Can the smell have an odour? Are those not the same thing?

 

I locked eyes with the calendar as if it was a loaded gun

 

The staff ran a tight shift” – The expression is usually ‘tight ship’. That doesn’t make this version wrong, I've just never heard it before.

 

in his best French accent” – Huh? I don’t get it. Why is a French orderly funny?

 

It’s fine,

 

If I’d knew known all I had to do

 

Matthews starred stared at his shoes

 

depositing the warm plate of warm food” – I guess the plate is warm, but isn’t the important thing that the food is warm? (Welcome to Pedantville – Population 1.)

 

The Price to Right” – Isn't it ‘The Price is Right’? Did you change this because of rights issues?

 

But I’d done my time in rebab” – Why was he put into rehab for a shoulder injury? This doesn’t make sense to me.

 

“Look, it’s your call on this one . . . “ I could see Siodmak squirming on this one.” – Repetition of the same phrase.

 

Meaning if it blows up in my face,” Matthews said. “It’s all on my hands.” – huh? Only if he rubs his face with his hands after it has blown up. More importantly, there no way an orderly has the decision over a doctor, unless...

 

So instead I spent the next few hours starring at the ceiling fruitlessly” What's the point of the last word?

 

Making eyes for at any foxy ladies

 

If I can do it at thirty-five

 

The grass tickled my sandals feet/toes” – It may well be tickling his sandals, but how would he know?

 

She removed her cell phone from her pockets

 

I was scared out of my mind. I don’t want to do that again. – You drop the quotes at the end of a dialogue paragraph if the next paragraph is part of the same person’s speech. The next paragraph does still start with quotes though. It’s just convention.

 

But if you ever do need to talk to anyone but about something

 

She burnt burned everything” – Although because it’s dialogue, I suppose his grammar could be incorrect.

 

as the brisk spring wind brought me little comfort” – this read all wrong to me, it seems out of place and the phrasing is off.

 

What if I told you there was?” – There been a lot of talk about night terrors, but we haven’t seen any, so when this offer comes it’s like, meh, so what? In fact, we’re a long way into the story without seeing any SFF elements. That's okay of course, but it’s not exactly what I was expecting by reading a story in the setting of RE – kind of like mislabelling a book maybe, or the jacket description not being entirely accurate. Doesn’t mean it’s a bad story, I was just expecting for something more in the SFF vein before getting halfway through.

 

I took a seat on my bed and gestured for Matthews to do the same. on the bed

 

I had always regarded hypnotists in the same class as snake oil salesmen and phone-in psychics” – Hmm, really?

 

I’d tried going it alone three other times” – They have to be other times.

 

I thought as I took stock of the matching floor and room” – you've already described the walls.

 

Probably a two-way mirror.” – This is a cliché. Every cop show ever has a two-way mirror in it, and 33% of movies seem to as well. What’s wrong with cameras, or an actual window, just as something different?

 

Something whirled whirred(?) on above and behind me

 

noticing the familiar cracks and craters along the familiar image” – repetition of familiar.

 

He left the cemetery just before nightfall” – one word.

 

It bolted for the car” – This word usually is associated with something running away. You repeat it soon after, which is even more jarring.

 

it was a very large caliber, with very large ammunition” – I think the accepted term is ‘high calibre’, and the comment about the ammo seems pointless, since you've already described the calibre.

 

let itself be greeted by the darkness and the silence instead” – awkward, wordy phrasing.

 

So just what it is it?

 

Siodmak told me.” – This is a big point-of-view betrayal. We’re sitting right in the scene with the two guys talking and we don’t get to hear what Siodmak says? There’s no physical reason for this that I can tell.

 

Repetition of ‘permanent marker’ – very awkward.

 

Twenty-eight

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Even so, I still think this story would sound great in the present completely. My mind kept trying to read it that way with its edgy, unreliable narrator. Think about it! :) (persuasion train chugga-chugga-choo-choo!)

 

Yay!! I'll buy a ticket. Where can I board the persuasion train? Wait, I think may be I'm on board already and didn't know it. Do the Terms & Conditions include 'Though shalt not write 3,000 words of character planning only to have it fall apart? Oh yes, here comes a station, we're just pulling into Revisionville :-/

 

I do tend to agree about Present Tense, btw

Edited by Robinski
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Thanks Robinski! Well, that's two for the present tense :) I might have to give it a try.

 

Like I said earlier, I wanted to write a sort of werewolf tale without actually mentioning the werewolf. So here's a follow-up question: do you think the story would lose anything if I actually mentioned lycanthropy in the doctor's office, just to hammer home what the condition is?

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Very interesting...put me in Glubbdrubb's group!  Here are my comments as I read, so you can see exactly where I twigged to the plot twist (page 3, it looks like, definitely by page 11), which is why I got annoyed at the other tells later on.

 

Notes:

 

pg 1: "with a pungent odor"

--unnecessary, you've already given us the smell of the marker.  Could be "pungent smell"

 

end of pg 1: another smell description.  That's two in one page, where the sense of smell is not that acute in humans.

 

pg 3: another odor!  Also smelling the cologne on the last page.  There's been some sight description and (I think) one auditory up till now.  Especially for an old man, smell is not going to be big issue unless he's a werewolf or something.

 

pg 3: "starred" -> stared

 

pg 4: “The Price to Right”

The price is right?

 

pg 7: "we need to consider alternate treatments."

Treatments for what?  I thought this was a nursing home?  Not sure why he is in there in the first place after getting into a car accident, unless there's something else I'm missing.

 

pg 7: "Look, it’s your call on this one"

--It is?  Matthews is an ordery, Siodmak is a doctor.  Doctor trumps orderly.

 

pg 11: "I only made it twenty-nine days without incident the last time"

--so maybe he is a werewolf?

 

pg 11: "That’s why you have to stay here. "

--ok, this starts to answer my questions, but it's almost halfway through the story.

 

pg 14: "What I told you there was"

--what if

 

pg 16: "a trashed room"

--there's still been no explanation for this.  Is this from the night terors?

 

pg 20: re: familiar gray surface.  You're hiding something, but it's very obvious because you don't say what the familiar object is.  The several instances of this through the story (the furniture, the helicopters, the veterans, the surface) are starting to pull me out of the story because there's been no attempt to explain them away--you just leave them as unexplained.

 

pg 22: "Frank saw the thing in full—"

--This again.  You keep cutting off before revealing anything, but I can tell it's a were-wolfy sort of thing.  This just makes keeping information from me annoying.  You do reveal this one a few paragraphs later, but at this point it's happened a lot.

 

pg 25: "Siodmak told me."

--Nope.  Just give it to me at this point.  I already know.

 

 

Overall, I thought the story was good, and I obviously picked up on the clues you planted, but it was way too obvious and I guessed at the end result well before I got there (edit: I guess I'm in the minority?).  In retrospect, the extra sense description at the beginning is probably good, but might need some other not-smell sense descriptions to level it out so it's not so obvious.

 

I liked Frank's character, and that's really what kept me in the story.  

To your question above, I wouldn't mention lycanthropy.  I'd actually take many of the other tells out or adjust them, but reading the other comments, I might not be your target here.
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Like I said earlier, I wanted to write a sort of werewolf tale without actually mentioning the werewolf. So here's a follow-up question: do you think the story would lose anything if I actually mentioned lycanthropy in the doctor's office, just to hammer home what the condition is?

 

I would say it very much depends on how you deliver it. There must be a dozen ways for it to come across lame, but done in some novel / quirky / amusing way, I'm sure it could work.

Edited by Robinski
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“Twenty-nine days without incident, I wrote on the calendar before circling the date.”

This first sentence feels off a beat to me, making it just too long (I would only ever say this about the first sentence – this would be fine elsewhere in the manuscript.)My thought would be to either cut the “before circling the date” or something like  “…I wrote, circling the date on the calendar.”

 

The smell of the red marker drifted off the calendar with a pungent odor.

You might just want to say “The red marker stank.” The sentence is a little clunky with smell and odor (basically the same noun) repeated twice.

 

This is good: I locked eyes with the calendar as if was a loaded gun pointed right at me, ignoring that it featured absurdly cute kittens doing absurdly cute things.

I like how the calendar implies an air of menace.

 

“No, Matthews. I’m buck-naked. Enter at the risk of feeling extremely inadequate!”

I don’t like this exclamation point. His slightly raised voice is implied with the dialogue – and it is very good dialogue. I like that he’s being cheeky with the orderly.

 

The door sounded like a bank vault opening as it swung aside with a thick metallic ring.

Hrm. Trust the reader here more. Bank vault implies “thick metallic ring” so you could just shorten this to something like “The door swung aside like a bank vault opening.” Unless you were meaning to imply something about the prison-like nature of the door?

 

I really like your description of Matthews and how you work in the protagonist’s night terrors.

 

“The Price to Right” ??? Not “The Price is Right?” I’ve just never heard of the former…

 

Intrigued by the accident…

 

This “alternate treatment” business does not sound good…

 

It’s was not as easy as it was ten years ago. Diana did the same.

Tense change.

 

Hrm, I’d expect him still to be a little more apprehensive of the hypnosis treatment – given the creepy conversation he overheard. Maybe he argues with Matthews more – until Matthews tells him Diana already signed off on it, and then Frank caves.

 

Ah, and the hypnosis reveals all!

 

So I definitely like the twist on the traditional trapped-in-the-nursing-home conspiracy. I really got caught up in the rising tension in the story. Of course, now I’m wondering about the other patients. Shouldn’t they be clues? Are they also werewolves? Or is it just Frank?

Edited by spieles
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So i really enjoyed reading this. I liked the build of tension and was really engaged by Frank. He also made me dislike the doctors so good job, (I was kind hoping something bad would happen to him). The reveal was great.

 

I got a little confused in the in the hypno room. At first i thought the projection was on the ceiling then on the wall. and the moon didn't seam to be a part of the projected image. 

 My only other comment is the term the BigH. I couldn't remember he went through heart surgery and while Big C is common enough, i have never heard of heart surgery as the Big H. in fact my mind went to something completely different when i read this.  

 

Very enjoyable.

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Thanks Kammerite. The moon was meant as another foreshadow, but I'm thinking of removing it as well since it's apparently confusing. I think I need to also mention Frank had a heart attack, which is more common for "The Big H". 

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