Reading Excuses – 5-2-16 Heir – Spieles – Chapter 5 (L, V, S*, implied D) – 3,498 words

[spieles]

*Uh, there’s a pretty hefty make out scene in this one – that’s the S warning.

 

Summary up until this point:

 

18-year-old Oz (Oscar) fights the Rex, violent mutants who can breathe despite the earth's low oxygen levels. Oz has set bombs to take a group of Rex out when the Rex spring his trap and after a chase leave him for dead. He escapes only to realize that the Rex are planning to use his bombs to trap a military caravan full of Aurum's Brides - and so he blows the bombs before the Rex can blow the caravan. 

 

He meets the commander of the caravan - Eleanor Penton - who stares at him in a rather creepy way.

 

Back at his trading post, Oz is accosted by Johnny, an eight year old boy, who is excited to show Oz that his depressed mother Mona is out of bed and working again. Meanwhile, Oz’s guardian John Calgary wants Oz to consider Eleanor Penton’s recruitment for her cabinet. Oz takes the test and passes, but feels no joy. He doesn’t want to go to Aurum. That night, Oz goes out to the storage shed where he meets Hayden, a beautiful girl who’s messing with the room’s fire to create a bizarre form of art. They see Mona outside heading toward the cricket sheds.

 

The next morning…

 

No specific questions on these chapters, I'm just very interested in whatever you guys have to offer, from line by lines to what's holding your attention you to stuff that needs to be cut, etc. 

Edited May 4, 2016 by spieles

[aeromancer]

There is a very nice amount of world-building in this chapter. We get some names, we get some paces, we find out that the Rex used to "not be a threat", etc, etc. Oz / Hayden seems kind of sudden. I get that people think rules go clean through the window when the apocalypse hits, but I have serious objections. Such as, Oz should be crazy worried she'll notice him not gasping for air. I do appreciate Eleanor's build as a character right now, sad past, hints that she knows more than she should, and attempting to bribe Oz.

Sci-Fi nitpick: The magnetic grid? What does "unlimited supply of mobile energy" even mean, and how exactly does it circumvent the Laws of Thermodynamics? I understand that it's a decent plot point, because now we can point fingers at people for the Meteor of Doom, but no magnetic field is supplying unlimited energy. Perhaps it could be used to help harness the energy of the natural magnetic field of the earth, but ... I don't know how else.

[kais]

I just sent you line edits to your e-mail.

 

My overall impressions are that this was a smooth chapter. I have very little to comment on. I'd love just a bit more science on the meteor thing and the magnetic stuff, but that might just be me.

 

As an aside, do we ever get substantial backstory on how Brides came to be? That'd be a fun remembrance for someone down the line. 

 

Great read!

[Mandamon]

pg 3: So are all the brides daughters of industrialists? (I see kaisa is asking similar questions).

 

pg 3: Good reveal with Hayden, but would have been better if we were already aware of Turner and his role in the Rex, so Hayden didn't have to explain.  Then the horror would work by itself.  Maybe have it explained back in the first chapter, or was it already and I'm suffering from weekly reader syndrome?

 

pg 3-4: tasting compost? Ew.

 

pg 4: "glare of sun coming through the glass."

--you mentioned night a few pp back, so I assumed this was at night.

 

pg 4: "They’ve established bases in the east, old New York City, Detroit, and Charleston"

--This raises an interesting question.  Are the Rex simply the next dominant form of life now that Earth is changed enough for humans not to be able to breathe?  Are they all violent, or just defending their territory?  Do they have a society?

! always had this same moral quandary when fighting wastelanders in Fallout.  Oz being able to breathe changes this, of course, but so far he's the only one.

 

pg 5: "purple knots just above their collar bones. "

--does this mean they're changing into Rex?  Are they still working at the factories?

 

pg 6: "negotiate with the Del Reyes,"

--just realized I don't know anything about the political landscape yet.  Are there corporately owned regions?  Aurum seems aligned with the trading post, so is there some sort of government still?

 

pg 8: "the asteroid to veer off course in the first place. It wasn’t supposed to hit, but it was as if the earth reached out for it."

--Cool.  I can't remember if we knew about the asteroid from forum discussions, or if it was mentioned in the story previously.  Similar questions to aeromancer on how the physics work, but I didn't worry about it too much as I was reading.

 

pg 9:  The flip to impress a girl seems very juvenile--more than I would expect from Oz.  Also, is he flipping on top of the bars?  That's a lot more impressive than landing on a solid surface, but it's not clear from the writing.

 

pg 11: re: makeout session.  How long can normal people last in the open air? 10 minutes?  2 minutes?  What happens?  It's not very clear to me yet.

 

pg 13: The Rex charging plays back into the question I asked above.  How rational are the Rex?  Mona got him up there somehow, and he's not actively attacking her or his son, so why does he attack Oz on sight?

 

Anyway, great submission as usual.  This one is a little slower than the past ones, and raises some good questions as we start to get into the meat of the story.  Interested to see where it goes.

[Robinski]

There are numerous detailed comments below, but one scene elevates this submission and pulls the story up a level (imho) and that is the make-out scheme with Oz and Hayden in the playground. This is not for reasons of cheap sensationalism, but because of its confident and convincing construction. She makes the first move, highly plausible because of the higher emotional development of girls vs. boys, but the added dimension of her lack of air gives it a wild and risky aspect that seems entirely consistent with Hayden’s character. The coup-de-grace is the way the ending of the encounter is forced by the arrival of Johnny, engendering resentment in Oz. Excellent work.

 

Houston, we have a problem. The end is a nice drop, we know it’s a Rex from the purple knots (don’t we?) but until it turns around, we’re not 100% sure and still maybe have a vestige of hope. For me personally, I would have preferred the last line to be dropped. “Mum found dad,” is all kinds of heart-wrenching, agonising and frustrating all on its own. I guess the challenge is confirming it’s a Rex. My concern came right at the back of my satisfaction, and the issue seems glaring to me. Why an earth would Johnny take all the time to find Oz when there is a base full of other people, and there is a Rex in the camp. Johnny must know that he has to raise the alarm as quick as humanly possibly, surely?

 

It’s a strong submission in a story that I'm invested in. Some characters need work to be truly convincing, I think, but the set up is clearly set out and convincing enough. There’s plenty of conflict, even in what appear to be positive relationships. I'm enjoying it, and I'm keen to read more.

 

-----------------------------------------------------

 

Reading the intro, I'm reminded again of my concern that Penton would invite an 18 year old into her cabinet when it seems likely that there must be a number of experienced individuals with more life knowledge and political skills that are suited to the job. Recruit him in a soldiering capacity, or into an intelligence role by all means, but the word ‘cabinet’, to me, screams politics, which is where I have a credulity gap.

 

“her legs elongated to the end” – what does this mean? Sounds weird, I'm picturing Mr. Fantastic – or rather Mrs. Incredible. In fact, her whole posture sounds awkward. Why would anyone sit like that? When Oz seeks to sit down, her posture seems to be a contrivance to create an awkward situation between then. Can he not sit on the opposite side of the table?

 

“I would have liked to have seen that” – Awkward, but easy to simplify.

 

“You can’t work for yourself” – I don’t know what this means in the context.

 

I was disappointed that the revelation of Hayden’s standing dissolved into an info dump instead of resting on Oz’s reaction, and in the end, we don’t know whether she left or not – I presume she did. Finally here, how is a laugh bitter and smoky? Bitter I get, but smoky sounds like sexy – those don’t seem to go together.

 

“With her hair bumpy and loose” – again, loose is clear, but what do you mean by bumpy?

 

“Night leaves a frost” – I was totally thrown by the sunlight line, because I thought it was night. The cause of my disorientation was the opening line of this section, which carries night in the present tense – it should be past.

 

“With a perfect score” – Cliché, or at least predictable in a bad way. I thought the test had some questions that were not absolute yes-no questions.

 

“they’ve shuttered one by one. Ours is one of the last ones left in the north” – This line has the word ‘one’ four times – I reckon that’s a couple too many.

 

Here’s another awkward physical situation. Why does Penton bend down to lean her arms on a wheel barrow which must be two/three feet or so off the ground? She would need to kneel down. It sounds contrived so she has to brush off the dirt.

 

“too many of our factory workers now have purple knots just above their collar bones” – Do we know what this means? Hard to care about it otherwise.

 

“but I keep my tone polite” – This clashes with him shovelling dirt while she was leaning on the bin (I thought it was a wheelbarrow?), which was an antagonistic action.

 

“build a solar park with the additional sunlight” – This sounds like they’re going to construct the park out of sunlight, seems like it should be ‘for’.

 

“you can have iguana for dinner every night” – lol

 

“he returned home only because it was his duty to do so”

 

“but when I meet her eyes” – There’s a lot of people examining people’s faces and looking into their eyes, etc. A certain amount of that is necessary, but I feel myself starting to notice it a lot and wonder if it’s too much. Maybe I'm wrong.

 

The exchange between Penton and Oz is good. Going back to my concern about so much attention focusing on an 18 year old, I like that there is another reason for him to be involved, namely his connection with the Del Reyes.

 

“The old playground is a fossil sticking out of the slope”

 

“When I’m settled, sitting cross-legged on top, I sit down and pull the Pentons’ biography out of the database”

 

“This playground used to be is where I’d meet Pascal before she ran away to Aurum”

 

“just walks to the ladder and with surprising agility” – Why is it surprising, she’s trained for such things, is she not?

 

“I keep my voice normal, no matter that my heart is racing” – Not keen on this word here. What does it mean? I’d prefer something more descriptive.

 

“Hayden shrugs. “She avoided me—probably because of my dad” – Is it not ‘avoids’?

 

“nodding as her eyes trace the lake’s opposite far shoreline” – suggested for awkwardness.

 

Super scene in the playground, it’s edgy, emotional, bittersweet and ending on a properly dramatic, angst-ridden note. Their nascent relationship already feels broken and on a breakneck path towards doom. I don’t understand why you put a scene break in – narrative seems to plough right on – I wouldn’t bother.

[Robinski]

Some things I didn't mention, but others have:

 

Oz/Hayden - I thought their previous encounters were abuzz with sexual/romantic tension, seems absolutely reasonable to me. I have no problem with her making the first move. Many teenage boys are so romantically blinkered that they need an invitation in triplicate and instruction manual - I know this as fact because I was one! (A teenage boy, not an instruction manual).

 

I will agree with Aeromancer on the science bit. I glossed over it because I was willing to let it go as a piece of prime hand-wavery, but Aeromancer is right to challenge the scientific basis.

 

Flip to impress Hayden - absolutely juvenile, and therefore bang in character for Oz as an 18 year-old boy. I think it's more surprising that he is as mature as he is in certain other things.

[rdpulfer]

- I like Oz and Hayden's flirty interaction.

 

- Krieger is the "possible" heir? That sounds a bit confusing.

 

- The reveal of Hayden's father feels a little flat to be. It might be too soon to drop this bomb, especially because we just learned her father was the first Rex.

 

- I do like the world-building - especially all the thought that goes into planning a city so close to the equator. 

 

- Oz's reaction to Johnny also really, really works for me.

 

- Okay, the hook at the end is just awesome. I really, really want to read more. 

[spieles]

Sci-Fi nitpick: The magnetic grid? What does "unlimited supply of mobile energy" even mean, and how exactly does it circumvent the Laws of Thermodynamics? I understand that it's a decent plot point, because now we can point fingers at people for the Meteor of Doom, but no magnetic field is supplying unlimited energy. Perhaps it could be used to help harness the energy of the natural magnetic field of the earth, but ... I don't know how else.

 

Yeah, this is obviously set in a future in which "The One Theory of Physics" uniting gravitational forces with weak, strong and EM forces - however, I liked your wording with regard to the earth's natural magnetic field. USING IT. The grid is mostly used to create external fields in the upper atmosphere - allowing vehicles to "orbit" - I'm not actually sure I want them to be pulling energy directly from the magnetic field, though there are lots of applications (geothermal comes to mind) where that could probably be done...

[spieles]

I just sent you line edits to your e-mail.

 

My overall impressions are that this was a smooth chapter. I have very little to comment on. I'd love just a bit more science on the meteor thing and the magnetic stuff, but that might just be me.

 

As an aside, do we ever get substantial backstory on how Brides came to be? That'd be a fun remembrance for someone down the line. 

 

Great read!

 

Youarewonderful.

 

I'm brainstorming ways to fit in Bride backstory. I think you're right on the money that it needs to be earlier.

[spieles]

 

pg 3: So are all the brides daughters of industrialists? (I see kaisa is asking similar questions). Nah, regular girls getting recruited. I'm going to work on adding in some Bride backstory.

 

pg 3: Good reveal with Hayden, but would have been better if we were already aware of Turner and his role in the Rex, so Hayden didn't have to explain.  Then the horror would work by itself.  Maybe have it explained back in the first chapter, or was it already and I'm suffering from weekly reader syndrome?

 

Yeah, I was thinking about this. I don't have a solution yet that I like, but I'm going to let it sit and see what I can do.

 

pg 3-4: tasting compost? Ew. Heh. Every farmer I've ever met tastes his dirt. I think here we're assume it's final stage compost, though.

 

pg 4: "They’ve established bases in the east, old New York City, Detroit, and Charleston"

--This raises an interesting question.  Are the Rex simply the next dominant form of life now that Earth is changed enough for humans not to be able to breathe?  Are they all violent, or just defending their territory?  Do they have a society? 

! always had this same moral quandary when fighting wastelanders in Fallout.  Oz being able to breathe changes this, of course, but so far he's the only one. The Rex definitely believe they are the next stage of life; however, they are only male and cannot reproduce "baby Rex" so humans still have the leg up.

 

pg 5: "purple knots just above their collar bones. "

--does this mean they're changing into Rex?  Are they still working at the factories? The men in factories were attacked and changed into Rex - but obs I need to make it clearer that they then just became evil, roaming bastards.

 

pg 6: "negotiate with the Del Reyes,"

--just realized I don't know anything about the political landscape yet.  Are there corporately owned regions?  Aurum seems aligned with the trading post, so is there some sort of government still? Kaisa also found this needlessly confusing. Right now the world is more or less in a state of Wild West anarchy. Aurum is a city-state and then way down South there's this other government.

 

pg 8: "the asteroid to veer off course in the first place. It wasn’t supposed to hit, but it was as if the earth reached out for it."

--Cool.  I can't remember if we knew about the asteroid from forum discussions, or if it was mentioned in the story previously.  Similar questions to aeromancer on how the physics work, but I didn't worry about it too much as I was reading.

 

pg 9:  The flip to impress a girl seems very juvenile--more than I would expect from Oz.  Also, is he flipping on top of the bars?  That's a lot more impressive than landing on a solid surface, but it's not clear from the writing. ​Yeah, it's super juvenile, but he's rarely around girls his own (besides his BFF) who he finds this pretty. That being said, I think we need more interiority from Oz here - a little more play by play of where his brain goes down the pipes... LOL

 

pg 11: re: makeout session.  How long can normal people last in the open air? 10 minutes?  2 minutes?  What happens?  It's not very clear to me yet. Yeah, oxygen deprivation is not an instant death (like in space - where it's actually the drop in pressure that kills you). Allegedly, well trained hikers have survived the night (nearly dying) on Everest with less than 10% oxygen, but grayout is likely to set in for most people within minutes. I should sprinkle some of this detail in though...

 

pg 13: The Rex charging plays back into the question I asked above.  How rational are the Rex?  Mona got him up there somehow, and he's not actively attacking her or his son, so why does he attack Oz on sight? This is later explained but Raj wouldn't attack his biological son for instinctual reasons. With Mona, it's later explained that the Rex use a spray (which the Rex have) to dampen human scents when it's convenient - and since he wants to take over the base - it's definitely convenient.

 

Anyway, great submission as usual.  This one is a little slower than the past ones, and raises some good questions as we start to get into the meat of the story.  Interested to see where it goes.

 

Thank you so much for reading!

 

Edited May 4, 2016 by spieles

[spieles]

There are numerous detailed comments below, but one scene elevates this submission and pulls the story up a level (imho) and that is the make-out scheme with Oz and Hayden in the playground. This is not for reasons of cheap sensationalism, but because of its confident and convincing construction. She makes the first move, highly plausible because of the higher emotional development of girls vs. boys, but the added dimension of her lack of air gives it a wild and risky aspect that seems entirely consistent with Hayden’s character. The coup-de-grace is the way the ending of the encounter is forced by the arrival of Johnny, engendering resentment in Oz. Excellent work.

 

I'm soooo glad you liked it.

 

Houston, we have a problem. The end is a nice drop, we know it’s a Rex from the purple knots (don’t we?) but until it turns around, we’re not 100% sure and still maybe have a vestige of hope. For me personally, I would have preferred the last line to be dropped. “Mum found dad,” is all kinds of heart-wrenching, agonising and frustrating all on its own. 

 

Yeah, the next chapter obviously goes right into the explanation, obviously - so for a regular reader there would just be a split second "holy cow" before they got answers whereas with the break here - I can see how there would be so much confusion.

-----------------------------------------------------

 

Reading the intro, I'm reminded again of my concern that Penton would invite an 18 year old into her cabinet when it seems likely that there must be a number of experienced individuals with more life knowledge and political skills that are suited to the job. Recruit him in a soldiering capacity, or into an intelligence role by all means, but the word ‘cabinet’, to me, screams politics, which is where I have a credulity gap.

 

Yeah, I've been pondering the "cabinet" bit too. Changing it to an intelligence role would make more sense. I can just call them junior agents or something. Oz and the other recruits later roles are all intelligence-type missions anyway, so it's a better fit.

 

 

 

“her legs elongated to the end” – what does this mean? Sounds weird, I'm picturing Mr. Fantastic – or rather Mrs. Incredible. In fact, her whole posture sounds awkward. Why would anyone sit like that? When Oz seeks to sit down, her posture seems to be a contrivance to create an awkward situation between then. Can he not sit on the opposite side of the table?

 

Gonna fix.

 

“You can’t work for yourself” – I don’t know what this means in the context.

 

I was disappointed that the revelation of Hayden’s standing dissolved into an info dump instead of resting on Oz’s reaction, and in the end, we don’t know whether she left or not – I presume she did. Finally here, how is a laugh bitter and smoky? Bitter I get, but smoky sounds like sexy – those don’t seem to go together.

 

Yeah, I think I'm going to break this into more dialogue and brainstorm how to get the Turner/Rex connection in earlier.

 

“With her hair bumpy and loose” – again, loose is clear, but what do you mean by bumpy? LBLs- thank you.

 

“Night leaves a frost” – I was totally thrown by the sunlight line, because I thought it was night. The cause of my disorientation was the opening line of this section, which carries night in the present tense – it should be past. Ah! this explains why Mandamon was confused above. I've read over that line too many times...

 

“too many of our factory workers now have purple knots just above their collar bones” – Do we know what this means? Hard to care about it otherwise. Yeah, I think I need to go back over and check my Rex descriptions. I feel like this one got dropped somewhere in the editing process.

 

“but when I meet her eyes” – There’s a lot of people examining people’s faces and looking into their eyes, etc. A certain amount of that is necessary, but I feel myself starting to notice it a lot and wonder if it’s too much. Maybe I'm wrong. 

 

The exchange between Penton and Oz is good. Going back to my concern about so much attention focusing on an 18 year old, I like that there is another reason for him to be involved, namely his connection with the Del Reyes.

 

“The old playground is a fossil sticking out of the slope”

 

“When I’m settled, sitting cross-legged on top, I sit down and pull the Pentons’ biography out of the database”

 

“This playground used to be is where I’d meet Pascal before she ran away to Aurum”

 

“just walks to the ladder and with surprising agility” – Why is it surprising, she’s trained for such things, is she not?

 

“I keep my voice normal, no matter that my heart is racing” – Not keen on this word here. What does it mean? I’d prefer something more descriptive.

 

“Hayden shrugs. “She avoided me—probably because of my dad” – Is it not ‘avoids’?

 

“nodding as her eyes trace the lake’s opposite far shoreline” – suggested for awkwardness.

 

Immensely helpful. Thank you so so much. 

[spieles]

Some things I didn't mention, but others have:

 

Oz/Hayden - I thought their previous encounters were abuzz with sexual/romantic tension, seems absolutely reasonable to me. I have no problem with her making the first move. Many teenage boys are so romantically blinkered that they need an invitation in triplicate and instruction manual - I know this as fact because I was one! (A teenage boy, not an instruction manual).

 

I will agree with Aeromancer on the science bit. I glossed over it because I was willing to let it go as a piece of prime hand-wavery, but Aeromancer is right to challenge the scientific basis.

 

Flip to impress Hayden - absolutely juvenile, and therefore bang in character for Oz as an 18 year-old boy. I think it's more surprising that he is as mature as he is in certain other things.

 

Heh. Yeah, with the flip, I think I'm going to try to add a line or two to transition the reader - but I want to keep it. Like you said, I think it fits. 

 

Going to work on the science. It's one of my favorite aspects of the story to tinker with... so :-)

[spieles]

- I like Oz and Hayden's flirty interaction. Woot.

 

- Krieger is the "possible" heir? That sounds a bit confusing. Yeah, to one of the smaller (lesser) companies in Aurum. But I'm wondering if I can make that less confusing...

 

- The reveal of Hayden's father feels a little flat to be. It might be too soon to drop this bomb, especially because we just learned her father was the first Rex. Yeah, that gives three votes to rework this. I'm going to ponder...

 

- I do like the world-building - especially all the thought that goes into planning a city so close to the equator. 

 

- Oz's reaction to Johnny also really, really works for me.

 

- Okay, the hook at the end is just awesome. I really, really want to read more.  Yay. Thank you so much for reading.

[Kammererite]

Magneite Location: First you say magnets are the earth core, then you say crust their in the crust.  I suggest sticking with crust if you can, but that brings up to me how deep. Last i checked the deepest we have gotten is 13km with a drill.  Also Ocean crust is thinner then continental crust.

 

Deep Magnet = energy: I am find with a hand wave "this is the future and we figured it out". That said it is interesting and i would like to know more but i don't think it is necessary unless its crucial to the plot.

 

 

Mobile energy: no idea what you mean here.

 

Magnetic grid attracting meteor: I am not sure if the numbers would be reasonable on the size of a magnetic field required to sligtly alter a meteor that big but its still cool. 

 

 

Sci-Fi nitpick: The magnetic grid? What does "unlimited supply of mobile energy" even mean, and how exactly does it circumvent the Laws of Thermodynamics? I understand that it's a decent plot point, because now we can point fingers at people for the Meteor of Doom, but no magnetic field is supplying unlimited energy. Perhaps it could be used to help harness the energy of the natural magnetic field of the earth, but ... I don't know how else.

 

Yeah, this is obviously set in a future in which "The One Theory of Physics" uniting gravitational forces with weak, strong and EM forces - however, I liked your wording with regard to the earth's natural magnetic field. USING IT. The grid is mostly used to create external fields in the upper atmosphere - allowing vehicles to "orbit" - I'm not actually sure I want them to be pulling energy directly from the magnetic field, though there are lots of applications (geothermal comes to mind) where that could probably be done...

 

So Anything that is creating external fields in the atmosphere might no be going to  far into space (not sure what the distance relation ship on MAG fields are. That also said this field would have a huge effect on ferrous metals on the earth surface effectively amplifying gravity to the point that iron might not be used anymore.

 

 

Good character building and world hitting in these chapters. Lots of ground work begin laid.

I found the writing engaging and easy to follow, and am enjoying the story so far.

Great cliff hanger ending. Really want to real the next chapter. 

[spieles]

Magneite Location: First you say magnets are the earth core, then you say theyre in the crust.  I suggest sticking with crust if you can, but that brings up to me how deep. Last i checked the deepest we have gotten is 13km with a drill.  Also Ocean crust is thinner then continental crust.

 

This is an excellent point. I'll try to make this consistent through the manuscript.

 

So Anything that is creating external fields in the atmosphere might no be going to  far into space (not sure what the distance relation ship on MAG fields are. That also said this field would have a huge effect on ferrous metals on the earth surface effectively amplifying gravity to the point that iron might not be used anymore.

 

Super curious if you could elaborate on this more. Are you assuming that earth's gravity would change or that the electrons in iron oxides would adjust? Or something completely different. (I love this stuff.)

 

Good character building and world hitting in these chapters. Lots of ground work begin laid.

I found the writing engaging and easy to follow, and am enjoying the story so far.

Great cliff hanger ending. Really want to real the next chapter. 

 

Thank you so so much for reading.

[Kammererite]

 

 

So Anything that is creating external fields in the atmosphere might no be going to  far into space (not sure what the distance relation ship on MAG fields are. That also said this field would have a huge effect on ferrous metals on the earth surface effectively amplifying gravity to the point that iron might not be used anymore.

 

Super curious if you could elaborate on this more. Are you assuming that earth's gravity would change or that the electrons in iron oxides would adjust? Or something completely different. (I love this stuff.)

 

I will Try to clarify. Warning scincy post ahead  (please correct me if i am wrong my physics is rusty):

Point one. forces have an effective limited ranges. for example gravity (which is describes by the equations F=Gm1m2/r^2) Decreases proportional to r squared. In simpler terms the force of gravity between two objects is four times less if you double the distance between them and 9 times less if you triple the distance between them. 

That said i assume (big assumption so i might be wrong) magnetism has a similar relationship with distance, or else my magnet would fly across the room and attach itself to the fridge. **Note: a significantly strong MAG Field can move small metal objects, that how we have compasses**

Point two: Effective amplification gravity: This was my bad, in choosing poor terms.  By Ferrous metals I meant iron metals (as metals like copper, tin, gold and there allows are all non magnetic). Now if we assume there is a relationship between distance and magnesium then in space it would be lower and on the earth surface it would be higher (note:i took a quick look through my old physics text and Magnetics is way more complicated then gravity so i couldn't find the equation). Since there is a stronger magnetic "pull" on the earth it would make it seam like there is an apparent amplification in gravity when near the deep magnet (although it might not be a straight down force.)

 

Hope this clarified what i was trying to say of not PM me.

Cheers 

[spieles]

I will Try to clarify. Warning scincy post ahead  (please correct me if i am wrong my physics is rusty):

Point one. forces have an effective limited ranges. for example gravity (which is describes by the equations F=Gm1m2/r^2) Decreases proportional to r squared. In simpler terms the force of gravity between two objects is four times less if you double the distance between them and 9 times less if you triple the distance between them. 

That said i assume (big assumption so i might be wrong) magnetism has a similar relationship with distance, or else my magnet would fly across the room and attach itself to the fridge. **Note: a significantly strong MAG Field can move small metal objects, that how we have compasses**

Point two: Effective amplification gravity: This was my bad, in choosing poor terms.  By Ferrous metals I meant iron metals (as metals like copper, tin, gold and there allows are all non magnetic). Now if we assume there is a relationship between distance and magnesium then in space it would be lower and on the earth surface it would be higher (note:i took a quick look through my old physics text and Magnetics is way more complicated then gravity so i couldn't find the equation). Since there is a stronger magnetic "pull" on the earth it would make it seam like there is an apparent amplification in gravity when near the deep magnet (although it might not be a straight down force.)

 

Yeah, super cool. I'm now laughing at the amount of hand waving for the science in this story - that being said, the effect on transition metals like Iron is of interest to me on the "oxygen front" too because when the Great Oxygenation Event occured on earth, one of the first changes to happen was that Iron was oxidized by all the O2 - and there's actually a distinct oxidized layer in the crust when you dig down through the sediments that marks the transition. Anyway, its way beyond the level of the book to consider how a change in the electron fields of transition metal could effect oxygen (due to some kind of change in gravity/magnetism), but it is certainly fun to ponder.... For now, though, I'll probably stick with the more straight forward ocean explanation.

[krystalynn03]

Hey there Spieles,

 

I read through the sub earlier this week, and I’m making notes as I go on read through number dos.

• ‘elongated to the end’ – extra wording padding to a long sentence when you’ve already given me plenty of visual info
• ‘sitting with the pack of Brides’ – This is confusing because it sounds like the Brides’ table is already full, considering you just said all the tables in the room are occupied
• ‘taking up whole bench’ – If you need the ‘legs elongated’ for clarity, this would be a better place for the phrase
• ‘mouth is turned, ‘almost-smiling’ ‘smile grows’ ‘smile disappears’ – seems like too much in a small space. I can already tell he’s smitten without the play by play of smiles to this degree
• ‘What starts?’ ‘The whispers’ etc – And the Brides have now gone from being Bad-A’s in my head to being a bunch of shallow high school girls with nothing better to think about. Disappointing move.
• And now Clair is moneyed. This isn’t doing anything for me one way or the other.
• ‘Didn’t feel like fitting in’ – Is this necessary? Is it setting something else up? Firstly, it pushed me from the narrative both readings because it makes me wonder why a military outfit like the Brides doesn’t have specific rules in place, and secondly, Hayden has done enough weird stuff that I don’t need her to change her clothes for her to show she has a one-off personality from everybody else. Even knowing the ‘reveal’ of her family connections from later in the submission, I don’t dig stretching an inference to think she gets away with this childish stuff because of it.
• ‘You can’t work for yourself’ – I like that you’re trying to get this out of her mouth in an angsty teen way, but with Oz’s line about price gouging, it feels off beat that she’s still continuing the thought after Oz and the reader have already moved on to something else.
• ‘bitter smoky laugh’ – Hm.
• ‘Night leaves’ – I haven’t really gotten a good feel for time passing, but that might be because I’m reading each of these subs one or two weeks apart, so that might be the problem, not the narrative.
• ‘under slept’ – Dictionary.com says you can make this ‘underslept’ but Merriam Webster doesn’t. I think it looks odd as two words, like I was expecting you to describe her sleeping in an uncomfortable location. Safe bet is sleep-deprived, although I’d like to see underslept become common usage!
• Uh, why is he eating dirt?
• ‘shuttered’ – Did the trading posts have enormous windows…?
• What did I miss or forget? How does Oz know all this stuff about Panama?
• ‘Del Reyes, I warn’ – This is starting to sound reversed. Like Oz is saying all the things Penton should and Penton what Oz should say.
• Five years ago. – Odd fragment when it could pin onto the next sentence with ease.
• ‘He’s not circumspect’ – I’m still bothered that most of Calgary’s characterization is other characters talking about him rather than his own dialogue or actions proving it.
• I’m not going to say a word on the pseudo-science because it doesn’t bother me one way or the other in the least. If you say a magnite grid could throw off an asteroid in a Sci-Fi setting, I’ll take that at face value and move on. That’ s not the big plot of this book—surviving in the wreckage it caused is.
• ‘miss the Brides uniform’ – Oh you mean the one you weren’t actually wearing at breakfast…?
• ‘did our private bridal lessons together’ – How old is Penton? Don’t tell me she’s a teen, too.
• I like the fish tank comparison. Been watching a funal infection from fish I bought last week ravage my poor tank.
• Make out scene is make out scene. Not my favorite.
• Johnny saves the story for me in the chapter. He really does.

 

Overall, there are some tropey-self-indulgent YA bits that grate on me, and if Hayden’s quirks turn into weaknesses she’ll be interesting, but if they’re there just to make her ‘different’ then I won’t be impressed. Oz really didn’t do much other than react here: react to Hayden at breakfast, react to Penton’s offer, react to Hayden acting like a nympho, and then react to Johnny’s call for help.

 

This is going to be hard on my tastes to get through as a reader if the book strays too far into teen angst/self/sexual discovery.

Johnny saves this submission for me. I don’t care for Hayden right now (could turn into something more interesting) and Oz didn’t do anything great this time, but hanging in there to see how things develop with Mona, Raj, and Johnny. That was a good place to cut because I needed my interest level to be brought back.

 

Thanks for submitting. Look forward to what develops out of Raj charging Oz.

[rdpulfer]

- So every human who becomes a Rex universally believe they have been picked by a god to be the next stage of evolution? It seems a bit too specific. It might be better to show this attitude in a newly-turned Rex more than anything else.

 

- I was initially confused - I didn't figure out there was another Rex pointing a gun at Oz after he restrained Raj. 

 

- The Eleanor reveal works really nice.

 

- Overall, it's a good chapter, but some of the action feels a little rushed and confused, muddling some of the major moments within the chapter. The scope feels a little too big too.