Asmodemon - 04-18-2016 - World-Ender - Part 1 of 2

[Asmodemon]

It's been quite a while since I last submitted to the group. This time I'm submitting the first part (of two) of a short story I've been working on.


During the siege of the Straaxi galaxy the archangel Saraphiel leads her choir to battle on a red moon.

[kais]

Ze 'as I go' thoughts:

- God is dead. You have my attention.

- The first paragraph reads adjective heavy. I like the descriptors, but a few could be cut (don't need both 'crackling' and 'chaotic', for instance)

- I'm a little hazy on 'Starpool' being discussed on page 2. Sort of like a Death Star thing, but a hoop instead of a ball?

- 'Within seconds the group was dead'. Are you working on a word limit? I want details!!

- 'His innate power coursed through the wings' this reads vague. Can you be more specific? What innate power? Some type of life force?

- Ooh look, tentacles! My mind wants to take this story in a whole different direction now *cough* Cthulhu *cough* With that said, being the size of moons contrasts with the long, thinness of tentacles

- Page 6, when the spear doesn't work and the Song turns to Wail, I really feel it. Emotionally gripped for sure

- I'm confused by how something both implodes and explodes at the same time. Is this real science? I'm curious.

- By page 9, and the dialogue "I will have you', and the angel being pushed down, combined with the tentacles... Unsure if this implied imager is where you're trying to go, but many people will head this way when the word 'tentacle' is used. 

- Last paragraph on page 10 - woah. Vivid. Totally working. Kinda bummed it's a nightmare. I'd love to explore that world

- Temporal incursion - I was totally immersed, and this made me think of Star Trek. This never ends well, Saraphiel! Run! Hide!

- Solid ending

 

General

You didn't have specific questions, so I'll give general impressions. I'm always up for a good god/angel romp. I enjoy the names immensely, and after about page five, the narrative flowed well and I immersed into the world. Several places caught, as I noted above. You have a number of comma splice areas and other places that could use commas, but that's for line edits if you ever want to go there. Adjectives are heavy in areas, too, but got better the farther into the narrative I got.

 

I like the wing descriptions and armor descriptions. I wouldn't mind a bit more relationship building between characters, but I assume you are under a word limit, too. I have a number of questions about the galaxy they're in, and some of their weapons, but again, in a short story those may or may not be answered. I'll have more concrete thoughts after part II.

 

Glad to have read something by you, finally! It was enjoyable. Thank you!

[Robinski]

Ooh look, tentacles! - ROFL

 

My mind wants to take this story in a whole different direction now *cough* Cthulhu *cough* - Yeah, Lovecraft ruined tentacles for everyone else.

[Robinski]

Interesting story, especially given the territory that I am treading in with my own current project, ‘Hold the Bridge’. I enjoy the scale of your story, which comes across well. My brain did start to itch when were contemplating going back in time. I think that just turns everything upside down and puts you into the heart of a conundrum that often doesn’t end well (if it ends at all).

 

I started to skim over the battle sequence when Sara was fighting. I know there was significant stuff in there, and I think I caught it all, but the cutting and thrusting seemed rather mechanical. You might consider cutting that down a bit, although maybe others are fine with it.

 

All-in-all, I am interested and want to see where the story winds up. There are some big themes involved here, which sets the little grey cells going. Some are maybe glossed over a little in favour of action, but I'm keen to see where it all ends up!

 

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It was a bit of a jump to learn that she was not alone on the moon.

 

The blocking confuses me, I don’t know anything about this Starpool, and so I can’t picture the impact on it.

 

“The power gathering within the Starpool grew by the minute” – Seemed repetitive to me.

 

“When ready, the celestial ring would create an inescapable gravitational pull” – I've been getting dinged a lot recently about my comma use, to the point that I'm expecting a group of well-meaning colleagues to institute some kind of grammatical intervention any day now. For better or worse, while applying my own judgement, I tend to default to accepting suggestions from MS Word, because I loathe those little green squiggles under my text. I also stick them in where I want to pause in reading, like here.

 

Again, a blocking issue, I can’t picture where the Straaxi are. Are they all on this moon? It sounds like shots are being fired on a planetary scale, and yet the Straaxi feel closer than that.

 

I like the lines about chaos being faster than light and seeing by chaos.

 

“Wings were the best. The Elder Gods had taught her that when they’d made her eat her own wings.” – Yikes! That’s a really effective line – quite the gut punch.

 

“Less Fewer than a hundred remained”

 

I do enjoy the celestial scale of the action and the references to mythical things like Argus’ eyes. It puts me in mind of Marvel stories involving Galactus and the Silver Surfer.

 

Are the canals in the floor different from the narrow conduits in the floor?

 

“They clasped each other’s forearms.” – Argh, bit clichéd. I wrote this myself once, but I like to think I wouldn’t now, unless in an ironic way, or to highlight some warrior cliché.

[kais]

 

Ooh look, tentacles! - ROFL

 

My mind wants to take this story in a whole different direction now *cough* Cthulhu *cough* - Yeah, Lovecraft ruined tentacles for everyone else.

 

At least I'm not the only pervy one in here.

[Mandamon]

I was also confused by the starpool.  Not sure of the relation between that and the moon.  

 

On the blocking, I was having a hard time imagining angels turning into heavenly bodies and back.  Were they still around the moon when this happened?  At some point you're going to have problems with gravity.

 

I was going to mention the comma splicing as well, but looks like it's been sufficiently covered.  

 

pg 15: "Literally, her stomach felt queasy. "

--this felt like too much.  I see that later this is a plot point, so you need to stress the feeling, but here it just felt like you were repeating yourself.

 

Overall, I like the universe-sized theme and the references to angelic lore mixed with cthonic incursions.  Bonus points for including Argus!  Very interested to see where it ends up.  I agree with kaisa that the prose could be cleaned and cut a little, which would give you some extra space to explore the angels some more.  

I was also very interested in the nightmare, before it turned out to be such.  That would have taken this a completely different direction!

 

Looking forward to next week!

[kais]

 

 

I was also very interested in the nightmare, before it turned out to be such.  That would have taken this a completely different direction!

 

 

 

This!!! I want the nightmare to be real!!

[ecohansen]

“Wings were the best. The Elder Gods had taught her that when they’d made her eat her own wings.”

I agree that this is a very, very good line.

 

Very good suspense as we wonder about the lasting effects of the dream and the missing wing.

 

Scale was a bit confusing on the first read-through of the first four pages.  There are swords, there are cannons, there are whole planets, there is an entire galaxy--it's hard to focus on all these scales at the same time.

 

I would love to learn more about the Straaxi and their motivations--I'm sure that's coming in part two.

 

For me, battles are only engaging when I'm invested in a character or a cause.  We were learning about both by the end of the reading, but it might help if you moved a bit more characterization and world-building to the front.

[spieles]

Ah! You leave us on that cliff hanger!

 

Hrm, so yes, my overall impression - now that I read through others comments - is not dissimilar. I really enjoyed the angel/demon divide being elevated to a galactic scale with Order v. Chaos, and randomly I kept wanting you to say entropy because I just really like that word...

 

So at the end of the story, my fascination is held by:

 

Ah! She's the only archangel left - all this PRESSURE. -- very good - ups the stakes.

 

The time travel isn't going to work out right? It's too easy. Thus the cliffhanging attack!

 

The people who forgot the song. Are they the same people as in the Sol system? I'm betting so! (though I like that you don't tell us directly... yet)

 

The nightmare dream was quite creepy - and I'm wondering if there are other lingering effects of the dream. One note here: when she sees Uldomiel in real life - it'd be nice if she flashed to the dream - and then had to shake herself out of it. I, as a reader, really enjoy those connections...

 

I really enjoyed some of the language in the story. I loved "chitinous armor", "the choir", "pinions" and "twin-tailed comet."

 

Crits...

 

I did have the thought that the Straaxi's "lean alabaster torso" felt like almost too sexy of a description for the scourge of battle - LOL. also I'd expect the Straaxi to be somehow distorted by their association with The Elder Thing. 

 

Is there a reason to include Illiriel when she wakes up? - because I'd rather cut to the chase and have Uldomiel at her bedside ready with a briefing. 

 

I feel similarly to others about the battle. I think some cuts would go a long way. Like, when Eriel dies, I felt no connection to her because I'd never met her before. 

 

Uldomiel beheading the Straaxi while Saraphiel frowns - is interesting. Is his character the hot headed one? While Saraphiel is the more logical? I wonder if you could develop this more in their later dialogue. (Because character conflict is always the best...)

Edited April 20, 2016 by spieles

[rdpulfer]

- Okay, first off, I like that she has six wings, like the traditional Seraphim. As previously mentioned, I'm an angel nerd, so I'm hooked.

 

- I also like the description of her angelic weaponry - in particular the sword with the power of a dwarf star!

 

- I'm getting a Cthulhu-vibe from the Elder Thing and I'm digging it.

 

- i also love the action.

 

- I would like to know more the technology. After all, if they are angels, while do they need technology, or perhaps more specifically, what do they use it for?

 

- Ugh. I can't wait read the second part! 

[Asmodemon]

Thanks for the feedback everyone

Blocking: The blocking at the start of the story has been a big problem for me, and I had a feeling I wasn’t quite there yet. It’s good to have that confirmed. I think I’m introducing too much too fast, while also trying to keep my word count down, and that is not working.

I’ll probably cut the Starpool in the next draft, among other things. With angels turning into celestial bodies they wouldn’t need a device like this.

Adjectives: My bane! I always put in too much, especially at the start of a story.

Comma-splicing and comma use: Totally slipped past me. I’ll need to keep that in mind while doing my edits.

Word limit: I’m not strictly under a word limit for this story, but I’m trying to stay under 8,000 words as a personal preference. Short stories have a tendency to not be so short when I’m done with them

 

I'm a little hazy on 'Starpool' being discussed on page 2. Sort of like a Death Star thing, but a hoop instead of a ball?

 

Sort of, but instead of firing a huge laser out of it like the Death Star, it creates a gravity well between the object it is attached to (the moon) and the planetary object it is aimed at (the Straaxi home world). And that basically pulls the moon towards the planet until they collide and destroy each other.

 

The time travel isn't going to work out right? It's too easy. Thus the cliffhanging attack!

 

I don’t want to spoil too much, but let’s just say that I’m not a believer in time travel as a fix for all problems.

 

I was also very interested in the nightmare, before it turned out to be such. That would have taken this a completely different direction!

This!!! I want the nightmare to be real!!

That would take the story in a completely different direction…I’m actually starting to consider that now…

 

Is there a reason to include Illiriel when she wakes up? - because I'd rather cut to the chase and have Uldomiel at her bedside ready with a briefing.

I'll be honest, I wanted another angel to ... wait, that happens in the second part