Reading Excuses - 4-18-16 - Spieles - Heir Ch 3,4 (L) - 4,186 words

[spieles]

Chapters 3 & 4

 

So, if you haven't read up until this point, Oz has spent the past two chapters fighting the Rex, violent mutants who can breathe despite the earth's low oxygen levels. Oz has set bombs to take a group of Rex out when the Rex spring his trap and after a chase leave him for dead. He escapes only to realize that the Rex are planning to use his bombs to trap a military caravan full of Aurum's Brides - and so he blows the bombs before the Rex can blow the caravan. 

 

He meets the commander of the caravan - Eleanor Penton - who stares at him in a rather creepy way. And that's where we begin chapter three...

 

Things to Critique (Though please rip at everything!)

 

Interested in your all's take on the Calgary/Oz exchange. I don't want it to be cliche and yet I want the relationship to have obvious elements of a strained father-son relationship.

 

I'm struggling in this chapter to mix in the world building without being heavy-handed. So, stuff you feel is missing?

 

Oz's character. I cut a bunch of stuff regarding his loneliness with his missing his best friend (who left to go to Aurum to be a Bride) - I'm wondering if we need more of that here...  

 

Any bits that can be cut?

 

Thank you all for your time and genius. 

 

[aeromancer]

I would very much like some more information on your world-building. Aside from spore-ridden zombies, there seems to be a shortage of oxygen, which is blamed on a comet killing marine plant life. Um. How does that work? I have an image of the ocean turning to steam, and ... well humanity would kind of die from that too. Speaking of water, can't they just diffuse oxygen from that? You mentioned that there's a hydrogen plant, which I assume gives power. Does that give oxygen as well?

Also, why do the Brides have long hair? It'll snag on things, or get in the way inside their mask. Heinlein used bald women in Starship Troopers.

 

I did enjoy the direction you're going with this. I look forward for more.

[Mandamon]

pg 1: "not saying word"

--a word

 

pg 4: mmmm....cricket bars

 

On Calgary/Oz: Most of it is fine, and I catch that Calgary's a father figure.   The interchange on page 7 with the braids reads sort of strange to me.  Don't know why.  Maybe too familiar?  Why would Oz try to put braids in Calgary's nose?

 

Good worldbuilding in the test.  I do actually want to know more about the world, but We're still early on, and I'm willing to wait to find out more.  I know the basics, enough to follow the plot, but as aeromancer says, I am curious about what happened to the marine plants.  That would really kill most things off.  Are there animals left?  Bacteria and such will be necessary to grow plants, as well as pollinating insects, unless they hand-fertilize.

 

Now that you tell me you cut some with his friend leaving (I assume Penton?) I see where that's missing, but I didn't feel a hole there while reading.  I was curious about Penton, but assume we will meet her when Oz starts his new job.

 

 

Things not to cut:

I like the warning signs about Mona - I assume bipolar?  It does feel like a promise of something to happen though.  I'd like to see it followed up later.

 

Hayden has a good introduction.  The scene in the junk room paints a good picture of both of them while they're talking.  Again, I'm assuming this leads further.  I already like Hayden as a character.

[spieles]

I would very much like some more information on your world-building. Aside from spore-ridden zombies, there seems to be a shortage of oxygen, which is blamed on a comet killing marine plant life. Um. How does that work? I have an image of the ocean turning to steam, and ... well humanity would kind of die from that too. Speaking of water, can't they just diffuse oxygen from that? You mentioned that there's a hydrogen plant, which I assume gives power. Does that give oxygen as well?

Also, why do the Brides have long hair? It'll snag on things, or get in the way inside their mask. Heinlein used bald women in Starship Troopers.

 

I did enjoy the direction you're going with this. I look forward for more.

 

So when a dinosaur killer like Chicxulub hits the earth - the blast radius take out about 200-400 sq miles. Between the blast wave and weird crap in the atmosphere, the rest of the earth super heats - so only animals that burrow or find some sort of cover or valley are going to make it, especially nearer to the impact zone. Then there are the earthquakes, the 90 mi tall tsunamis, and after that, there's so much crap in the atmosphere from all the burning that there's 3-9 months of night. Mass extinction of animal and plant species ensues.

 

Weird species of fungi go nuts during this period, digesting all of the charred earth. 

 

Oxygen levels dropped from around 30% in the Chicxulub days to 22% to our modern oxygen number - theoretically that happens again with this second dinosaur killing asteroid.

 

Hrm - so thoughts - Should I include any of this?

 

Anyway, that still doesn't answer the question of why the ocean isn't repopulating with phyto-plankton and returning to equilibrium. That's actually a huge question that I plan on addressing in book two. But I'm curious if I should try to sneak in certain addition pertinent facts. (Like how oxygen levels are just under 10% in the current atmosphere - but its why the oxygen masks work - they more or less use futuristic nano technology to filter breathable levels of oxygen). 

 

Going to ponder the brides hair. In the field they wear big honking helmets so I'm not sure that snagging is an issue. I previously had them with short hair - but I like long hair, LOL. 

 

Thank you so so much.

[aeromancer]

So when a dinosaur killer like Chicxulub hits the earth - the blast radius take out about 200-400 sq miles. Between the blast wave and weird crap in the atmosphere, the rest of the earth super heats - so only animals that burrow or find some sort of cover or valley are going to make it, especially nearer to the impact zone. Then there are the earthquakes, the 90 mi tall tsunamis, and after that, there's so much crap in the atmosphere from all the burning that there's 3-9 months of night. Mass extinction of animal and plant species ensues.

 

Weird species of fungi go nuts during this period, digesting all of the charred earth. 

 

Oxygen levels dropped from around 30% in the Chicxulub days to 22% to our modern oxygen number - theoretically that happens again with this second dinosaur killing asteroid.

 

Hrm - so thoughts - Should I include any of this?

Yes. You even have a good insert point, as Oz is taking a test. That could be a beginner-level question. Maybe not all of it, but at least a rough background. Also, I'm not convinced that the same would happen with oxygen levels. I'm afraid that my biospherical knowledge does not extend this far, but that really doesn't matter.

[kais]

I sent you line edits via e-mail.

Father/son relationship: The hair exchange still bothers me. It feels flirty, although it is clearly not. If Oz were female, it wouldn't stand out so much. I don't know what to suggest, other than perhaps more dialogue, maybe some gentle ribbing that bites more than it should.

 

World Building: I'd like more discussion of what a 'green' is right off that bat. Other than that, the start was rough but once I got there it was solid. In the first chapter, I kept wanting to skim the world building descriptions. I don't think they're excessive, but they weren't engaging me, either. Once he was in the compound and with the firebrand, things were much smoother.

 

BFF: Without the context of who she is, just dropping her name means it will be forgotten. Just a little thought or dialogue to give us some context on her would be incredibly useful, especially as you set up his other romance in this section.

 

 

I'm enjoying rereading this!

[Robinski]

Quite a bit of detail below, but I enjoyed these chapters more than the first two. Some of the word choices are a bit off, in my view (mostly noted below). Also, the blocking in the shed where he meets the Bride with the fire is disorienting. I didn’t get that there was a table, and I don’t think you described the contents well enough. Where did the wire come from in Oz’s pocket, and how big must the fire have been to make a detectable difference to the oxygen content that quickly?

 

Various quibbles aside, the exchange between Oz and Hayden is good, that really drew me in more to his character, and is more engaging than cheese-courting bravado.

 

Good work, I'm on for the ride now.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------

 

[+3]

 

“but there are oxygen exchangers that makes make less noise”

 

I love the Brides’ tattoos for the Rex kills – brilliant. Totally evokes the kills that WWII fighter pilots had marked on their planes.

 

“the glacier-cut hill gave give way to” – I think, to preserve present tense, or ‘have given’ if it’s already happened.

 

“Filling the long the slope down”

 

“used to be a private airport””

 

I’m not sure lakes have banks; I think they have shores and rivers have banks. Even if someone proves me wrong, I think shore sounds more correct.

 

I feel that six-wheeler should be hyphenated. I almost commented on it last time. Dunno, anyone else? And sorry about the line edits. You know by now I am physically incapable of commenting without doing this. Just tell me to stop and I will! (p.s. I see a hyphenated version later on).

 

I don’t follow what ‘their Greens’ are.

 

The use of ‘chute’ disorients my slightly. A chute is for sliding down where I come from, like in a play park.

 

‘rushes in’ gives me the impression Calgary is panicked, whereas the context suggests more angry, like ‘stormed in’.

 

‘sidestepping’ is one word.

 

“almost doesn’t seem real” – This phrasing is indirect and leaves me wondering what to take from it.

 

“I’m about to grab another bar” – A third? That’s just greedy, and what the heck is a cricket bar, or a cricket shed for that matter? Where I come from, cricket is a sport played with bats, where the players take tea half way through.

 

“It’s the Rex’s blood in the creases of my knuckles” – My first thought was that Rexism might be contagious, like zombification, but there’s been no real indication of that. I presume there are no new Rexs being made?

 

Still don’t know what the Greens are – I don’t think.

 

“His smile is tentatively back” – grammar. I presume it’s a tentative smile, back at protagonist.

 

Nice detail and background with the gloves, simple = effective.

 

“the hose in Greenhouse Six is clogged” – since it’s the name of the greenhouse.

 

“So I run through my routine: pull-ups, rope climbing, toes-to-bar” – Feels like a rather cheesy montage, in filmic terms.

 

“my hammock is uncomfortably slung to the right” – Ooh, err – more tea, Vicar? (Sorry, couldn’t resist!)

 

“After grabbing food from the canteen, I sit down with my laptop and my pings.”

 

“Because before the comet hit, 70% of the earth’s oxygen came from marine plants. It’s nearly impossible to make that up.” – Whoa, you drop this line then move on, but I'm reeling from a series of massive questions. Is the 70% true? What happened to the oceans? How big was the comet? Comet, really, not asteroid? All these questions rip me out of the story and send me off to start researching these fascinating questions.

 

A cursory look at this online seems to suggest a 50/50 split between phytoplankton and land-based vegetation. Does this mean that there was a huge change in the split before the comet strike? Another cursory piece of ‘research’ indicates that, on average, asteroids are much smaller larger than comets. I'm asking now whether a comet impact would be sufficient to cause... what? We don’t yet know what the source of the environmental catastrophe is.

 

At the risk of resorting to a minor info-dump, I would like to know more right here in this test so that I can move beyond it without breaking off from the story.

 

Oz’s interest in girls seems to manifest quite suddenly considering he was in a six-wheeler full of Brides. I guess you would say that he reasonably did not consider them as members of the opposite sex in the same way, but why not? This reference to girls seems to mark him as a fairly standard adolescent boy.

 

The testing sequence is good, even a trifle brief. The brevity makes me feel it is cursory, not much of a challenge. I would have like to see a couple more questions, maybe ones that were difficult, perhaps presenting a moral dilemma to which there was no correct answer. Maybe that comes later, however it seems to me that many people could have passed the test that Oz sat.

 

Quibbles aside, I like how the test tunes into the YA trope of being tested, and that the story puts us on a testing / training progression. It’s a very common dystopian trope, verging on cliché, but I honestly don’t mind.

 

“When I hold them up to my face, they alight” – I think light up or illuminate is more appropriate, alight means ‘to land on’ or ‘descend from’ (like a bus).

 

“I remove the pings one at a time” – How else would you do it?

 

[+4]

 

“but when I lean and peer past the boxes” ??

 

Yeah, there’s chute again – Online definition has my understanding “a sloping channel or slide for conveying things to a lower level”

 

“spiraling upward in an upward fountain” – I reckon that’s the only kind of fountain there is, and maybe upward is in the wrong place.

 

“picking up one object after the next” – grammar, you can’t pick up something after the next.

 

“but one that says I caught her by surprise” – But how can it be a surprise, he made the same comment not a couple of minutes ago?

 

“flood lights” – one word.

[rdpulfer]

- This is probably Weekly Reader Syndrome, but was Calgary in the previous submission? Oz mentions meeting him as a kid, and i get that he's his adoptive father, but it's a little weird when he calls him his not-father and we have no idea who he is.

 

- I'm trying to figure out how the Brides figure into this world of the Rex. Again, this could be Weekly Reader Syndrome, but it seems like there is much more that needs to be explained before they are all ushered off to their rooms. 

 

- Maybe I'm confused, but it's took me a while to realize Oz knew Eleanor previously. i thought they were just meeting in the first chapter.

 

- I like the world you are building. I think I just need to understand it a bit more. 

[ecohansen]

Since you asked about world-building, there are three places where I caught.  The first two wound up being good science, but the order in which facts were presented was distracting or sent me a-googling.  For the last one, i might actually have a useful suggestion.

 

the glacier-cut hills gave way to the moonlit Lake of the Ozarks. Here's a running commentary of my internal dialogue starting at this line: “Since I know that the Ozarks themselves have not experienced glaciation, I'll take a time out to look this up. Ah, it looks like the Lake of the Ozarks was right at the southern edge of the Nebraskan and Kansan glaciations. So I guess the hills were north of the lake, and the group was travelling south. Unless maybe the coldness in the air reflects a new super-powerful ice age, and the ozarks are being cut by glaciers as the story takes place? But nah, the Rex placed temperate flowers on their sacrifice's corpse, so it must not be a new ice age. Oops, wait,there's talk about insulation and migrating south, so I guess it is a full ice age. But can glaciers form that fast, even in an ice age? And did Ellen and Oz start in the Ozarks, travel north to the lake, and then travel south again to get to the Ozarks trading post?”--This is what I was thinking about instead of plot.  If there are in fact glaciers in the Ozarks during the story, maybe "glacier strewn" instead of "glacier cut".  A map might ultimately be handy, too.

 

Corn. Running commentary again: “Ah, so corn is a dietary staple. Do they nixtamalize it to make hominy or masa? If not, how do they avoid goiter? Ah, now they're eating crickets. Are crickets high in niacin? Ooo, looks like they're super high in niacin. Looks like crickets and corn is a pretty balanced and sustainable diet! Sweet!”

 

Crassula ovata: A bit of an odd choice for a frozen world, since it is native to semitropical Africa. If you want it for its CAM photosynthesis, you might consider the temperate genera Isoetes or Sedum, which would be much more robust.

[spieles]

 

pg 1: "not saying word"

--a word

 

Line edits, I love you!

 

pg 4: mmmm....cricket bars

 

Hah, Exo makes cricket bars that we eat because they're environmentally sustainable (and I can't tell the difference in the taste, etc.)

 

On Calgary/Oz: Most of it is fine, and I catch that Calgary's a father figure.   The interchange on page 7 with the braids reads sort of strange to me.  Don't know why.  Maybe too familiar?  Why would Oz try to put braids in Calgary's nose?

 

Hrm, I said strained - but by that I mostly meant that it's more of an uncle-nephew relationship than a father-son (because Calgary has always ID'd himself to Oz as his father's BFF). The strain of course is that the child craves the emotional attachment of a father figure, not the distance of the uncle. So Calgary is a pompous, tactile (if lovable) character - and I'm probably totally projecting my own relationships with a similar uncle in my family - because my brother and I delighted in messing with him when we were younger. He let us tackle him when we were kids and then, when we were older, we just messed with him.

 

Good worldbuilding in the test.  I do actually want to know more about the world, but We're still early on, and I'm willing to wait to find out more.  I know the basics, enough to follow the plot, but as aeromancer says, I am curious about what happened to the marine plants.  That would really kill most things off.  Are there animals left?  Bacteria and such will be necessary to grow plants, as well as pollinating insects, unless they hand-fertilize.

 

Yeah, with oxygen levels lower (around 10%) - that's not going to eliminate insects and small reptiles, amphibians. However, animals with high energetic needs and four-chambered hearts (birds and mammals) are all pretty much extinct unless there's been some sort of human intervention.

 

Now that you tell me you cut some with his friend leaving (I assume Penton?) I see where that's missing, but I didn't feel a hole there while reading.  I was curious about Penton, but assume we will meet her when Oz starts his new job.

 

Pascal! We meet her soon. Since she left his trading post to go to Aurum to train as a Bride, I'm thinking that when Oz first sees the Brides - he should be searching for her.

 

Things not to cut:

I like the warning signs about Mona - I assume bipolar?  It does feel like a promise of something to happen though.  I'd like to see it followed up later.

 

Hayden has a good introduction.  The scene in the junk room paints a good picture of both of them while they're talking.  Again, I'm assuming this leads further.  I already like Hayden as a character.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment.

[spieles]

Yes. You even have a good insert point, as Oz is taking a test. That could be a beginner-level question. Maybe not all of it, but at least a rough background. Also, I'm not convinced that the same would happen with oxygen levels. I'm afraid that my biospherical knowledge does not extend this far, but that really doesn't matter.

 

Going to work on this. At worst, I can overdo the test questions and then just cut them back later.

[spieles]

I sent you line edits via e-mail.

Father/son relationship: The hair exchange still bothers me. It feels flirty, although it is clearly not. If Oz were female, it wouldn't stand out so much. I don't know what to suggest, other than perhaps more dialogue, maybe some gentle ribbing that bites more than it should.

 

Yeah, it's interesting. Some readers pick up on this and others don't, so I was waiting for more feedback, but I think I'll probably end up scaling back like you said with some gentle ribbing. Going to ponder...

 

World Building: I'd like more discussion of what a 'green' is right off that bat. Other than that, the start was rough but once I got there it was solid. In the first chapter, I kept wanting to skim the world building descriptions. I don't think they're excessive, but they weren't engaging me, either. Once he was in the compound and with the firebrand, things were much smoother.

 

Yeah, after I cut the confrontation between Kate Kriger/Eleanor, I feel like the chapter start turned to soup. I think I might switch it up to having them pass an abandoned green, and one of the Brides asks Oz about it. 

 

BFF: Without the context of who she is, just dropping her name means it will be forgotten. Just a little thought or dialogue to give us some context on her would be incredibly useful, especially as you set up his other romance in this section.

 

Yeah, my current big idea is that in Chapter 2 - when the Brides show up - Oz is frantically scanning the figures for Pascal - which further messes with his logic and is why it takes him too long to realize he doesn't have a mask.

 

I'm enjoying rereading this!

 

Yay!

[spieles]

Quite a bit of detail below, but I enjoyed these chapters more than the first two. Some of the word choices are a bit off, in my view (mostly noted below). Also, the blocking in the shed where he meets the Bride with the fire is disorienting. I didn’t get that there was a table, and I don’t think you described the contents well enough. Where did the wire come from in Oz’s pocket, and how big must the fire have been to make a detectable difference to the oxygen content that quickly?

Various quibbles aside, the exchange between Oz and Hayden is good, that really drew me in more to his character, and is more engaging than cheese-courting bravado.

Good work, I'm on for the ride now.

---------------------------------------------------------------

[+3]

“but there are oxygen exchangers that makes make less noise”

Curious what the edit/comment is here?

I love the Brides’ tattoos for the Rex kills – brilliant. Totally evokes the kills that WWII fighter pilots had marked on their planes.

“the glacier-cut hill gave give way to” – I think, to preserve present tense, or ‘have given’ if it’s already happened.

Line edits. <3 <3 <3

“Filling the long the slope down”

“used to be a private airport””

I’m not sure lakes have banks; I think they have shores and rivers have banks. Even if someone proves me wrong, I think shore sounds more correct.

I feel that six-wheeler should be hyphenated. I almost commented on it last time. Dunno, anyone else? And sorry about the line edits. You know by now I am physically incapable of commenting without doing this. Just tell me to stop and I will! (p.s. I see a hyphenated version later on).

I am actually changing the name of the vehicles from six-wheelers to "magnetars" (like the really cool stars) because it gives a better tie to the worldbuilding that becomes important later in the story.

I don’t follow what ‘their Greens’ are.

Yeah, I feel like this explanation keeps getting cut. I'm going to try and work it in with better flow.

The use of ‘chute’ disorients my slightly. A chute is for sliding down where I come from, like in a play park.

Right, in the US we almost always say slide with a few exceptions. I feel like I think of a chute as more of a pipe-like slide or covering, e.g. we say trash chute. So the exchange chute is more like an accordion shaft that pops out, covers you and either directly connects to another door/exit or simply has a filter system that attempts to prevent oxygen loss from the vehicle/building.

‘rushes in’ gives me the impression Calgary is panicked, whereas the context suggests more angry, like ‘stormed in’.

I like that.

‘sidestepping’ is one word.

“almost doesn’t seem real” – This phrasing is indirect and leaves me wondering what to take from it.

“I’m about to grab another bar” – A third? That’s just greedy, and what the heck is a cricket bar, or a cricket shed for that matter? Where I come from, cricket is a sport played with bats, where the players take tea half way through.

A cricket is a type bug like a grasshopper. LOL

“It’s the Rex’s blood in the creases of my knuckles” – My first thought was that Rexism might be contagious, like zombification, but there’s been no real indication of that. I presume there are no new Rexs being made?

There are - but skin-contact wouldn't do it. The infectious agent is concentrated in the Rex's lymph, and it'd need to be intravenous. That's why the Rex in chapter one sticks the knife tip into the blistered lymph node on his neck and then waves it before Oz.

Still don’t know what the Greens are – I don’t think.

“His smile is tentatively back” – grammar. I presume it’s a tentative smile, back at protagonist.

Nice detail and background with the gloves, simple = effective.

“the hose in Greenhouse Six is clogged” – since it’s the name of the greenhouse.

“So I run through my routine: pull-ups, rope climbing, toes-to-bar” – Feels like a rather cheesy montage, in filmic terms.

“my hammock is uncomfortably slung to the right” – Ooh, err – more tea, Vicar? (Sorry, couldn’t resist!)

Hah.

“After grabbing food from the canteen, I sit down with my laptop and my pings.”

“Because before the comet hit, 70% of the earth’s oxygen came from marine plants. It’s nearly impossible to make that up.” – Whoa, you drop this line then move on, but I'm reeling from a series of massive questions. Is the 70% true? What happened to the oceans? How big was the comet? Comet, really, not asteroid? All these questions rip me out of the story and send me off to start researching these fascinating questions.

I also find these questions deeply fascinating. I loved researching them. Both comets and asteroids are possible impactors. Asteroids consists of metals/rocky material because they're closer to the sun - and have tighter orbital patterns whereas comets can have ice, dust, organic compounds. Size varies wildly with both. In fact, a comet approaching the earth from a far out trajectory could be enormous.

A cursory look at this online seems to suggest a 50/50 split between phytoplankton and land-based vegetation. Does this mean that there was a huge change in the split before the comet strike? Another cursory piece of ‘research’ indicates that, on average, asteroids are much smaller larger than comets. I'm asking now whether a comet impact would be sufficient to cause... what? We don’t yet know what the source of the environmental catastrophe is.

I haven't seen that 50/50 statistic before, but I'm wondering if that's just for atmospheric oxygen. Because when the ocean and the atmosphere are competing for oxygen, the ocean always wins. So the ocean had to reach a certain oxygen concentration before atmospheric oxygen can increase.

At the risk of resorting to a minor info-dump, I would like to know more right here in this test so that I can move beyond it without breaking off from the story.

Yeah, I think I'm going to ramp up the test. It's a fairly natural place to include material and I can always cut if it gets excessive.

Oz’s interest in girls seems to manifest quite suddenly considering he was in a six-wheeler full of Brides. I guess you would say that he reasonably did not consider them as members of the opposite sex in the same way, but why not? This reference to girls seems to mark him as a fairly standard adolescent boy.

Yeah, there was a reference to this that got cut. I think I might add in a subtle line or two...

The testing sequence is good, even a trifle brief. The brevity makes me feel it is cursory, not much of a challenge. I would have like to see a couple more questions, maybe ones that were difficult, perhaps presenting a moral dilemma to which there was no correct answer. Maybe that comes later, however it seems to me that many people could have passed the test that Oz sat.

Quibbles aside, I like how the test tunes into the YA trope of being tested, and that the story puts us on a testing / training progression. It’s a very common dystopian trope, verging on cliché, but I honestly don’t mind.

I love tests in stories, so I'm on board with you. LOL. Massive geek here.

“When I hold them up to my face, they alight” – I think light up or illuminate is more appropriate, alight means ‘to land on’ or ‘descend from’ (like a bus).

“I remove the pings one at a time” – How else would you do it?

Hrm, this line was meant to imply slowness and deliberation but I see your point...

[+4]

“but when I lean and peer past the boxes” ??

Yeah, there’s chute again – Online definition has my understanding “a sloping channel or slide for conveying things to a lower level”

“spiraling upward in an upward fountain” – I reckon that’s the only kind of fountain there is, and maybe upward is in the wrong place.

“picking up one object after the next” – grammar, you can’t pick up something after the next.

“but one that says I caught her by surprise” – But how can it be a surprise, he made the same comment not a couple of minutes ago?

“flood lights” – one word.

Your LBLs are wonderful! Thank you so so much!

Edited April 20, 2016 by spieles

[spieles]

- This is probably Weekly Reader Syndrome, but was Calgary in the previous submission? Oz mentions meeting him as a kid, and i get that he's his adoptive father, but it's a little weird when he calls him his not-father and we have no idea who he is.

 

Yeah, he mentions him a few times, but I'm thinking I might need to work on his intro more. He's Oz's guardian, and maybe I should just flat out say that...

 

- I'm trying to figure out how the Brides figure into this world of the Rex. Again, this could be Weekly Reader Syndrome, but it seems like there is much more that needs to be explained before they are all ushered off to their rooms. 

 

In the previous chapter we learn that the Brides are the city's Rex-specific fighting force (because unlike men, they cannot be turned into Rex). But I think I should throw in an extra clue or two...

 

- Maybe I'm confused, but it took me a while to realize Oz knew Eleanor previously. i thought they were just meeting in the first chapter.

 

He knows who she is (she's famous!), but yes, they just met. Does it seem like they know each other better than that?

 

- I like the world you are building. I think I just need to understand it a bit more. 

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment.

[spieles]

Since you asked about world-building, there are three places where I caught.  The first two wound up being good science, but the order in which facts were presented was distracting or sent me a-googling.  For the last one, i might actually have a useful suggestion.

 

the glacier-cut hills gave way to the moonlit Lake of the Ozarks. Here's a running commentary of my internal dialogue starting at this line: “Since I know that the Ozarks themselves have not experienced glaciation, I'll take a time out to look this up. Ah, it looks like the Lake of the Ozarks was right at the southern edge of the Nebraskan and Kansan glaciations. So I guess the hills were north of the lake, and the group was travelling south. Unless maybe the coldness in the air reflects a new super-powerful ice age, and the ozarks are being cut by glaciers as the story takes place? But nah, the Rex placed temperate flowers on their sacrifice's corpse, so it must not be a new ice age. Oops, wait,there's talk about insulation and migrating south, so I guess it is a full ice age. But can glaciers form that fast, even in an ice age? And did Ellen and Oz start in the Ozarks, travel north to the lake, and then travel south again to get to the Ozarks trading post?”--This is what I was thinking about instead of plot.  If there are in fact glaciers in the Ozarks during the story, maybe "glacier strewn" instead of "glacier cut".  A map might ultimately be handy, too.

 

Huh. So as a child living in Missouri, I was always taught that the Ozarks weren't tectonic mountains but were glacier formed. If that's not true, my mind is blown. I believed it unquestioningly. LOL. So yeah, I'll look that up. Also, there is an ice age setting in - due to the amount of coarse particulates in the atmosphere left over from the Nox - but it doesn't fully extend to the Ozarks yet. 

 

I totally need a map. Every book should have a map, shouldn't it?

 

Corn. Running commentary again: “Ah, so corn is a dietary staple. Do they nixtamalize it to make hominy or masa? If not, how do they avoid goiter? Ah, now they're eating crickets. Are crickets high in niacin? Ooo, looks like they're super high in niacin. Looks like crickets and corn is a pretty balanced and sustainable diet! Sweet!”

 

I laughed delightedly as I read this. 

 

Crassula ovata: A bit of an odd choice for a frozen world, since it is native to semitropical Africa. If you want it for its CAM photosynthesis, you might consider the temperate genera Isoetes or Sedum, which would be much more robust.

 

You've sent me googling. The main reason I chose the jade plant is because of their popularity as house plants; however, I like these others too...

 

Thank you!

Edited April 20, 2016 by spieles

[Kammererite]

Okay so im going to comment on the woldbuilding comments first.

 

Comet/asteroid: I think the correct term is Meteorite or one of its forms once its impacted the earth. 

 

Extinction event: So i didn't study this but it was part of my education some 7 years ago and at that time The dinosaur extinction was a hotly debated topic. Most people believe the impact was involved in the extinction but that the ancillary effects where the killer over time. that all said there are many question as to why all dinosaurs (big and tiny) died and why mammals survives this event. There is belief that dinos were on there way to extinction prior to the impact and it just hastened the process. Finally this event was reality small. Their are previous extinction events  in geological time that were much more devastating and we have not firm idea why. 

 That all said i am happy with there being life post meteor strike as it makes sense to me. 

 

 

I haven't seen that 50/50 statistic before, but I'm wondering if that's just for atmospheric oxygen. Because when the ocean and the atmosphere are competing for oxygen, the ocean always wins. So the ocean had to reach a certain oxygen concentration before atmospheric oxygen can increase.

 

 

 

 

Really? What is the reason for this? Why does it need oxygen? (Honestly curious)

 

Look into Stromatalites and Photochemical Dissociation for re-producing the atmosphere.

 

Ozarks: My quick geological research says no to glacial formation but that does not preclude glacial streams being involved in the erosion of the uplifted rocks, as the area appears to be in the Laurentide ice sheet glacial out-wash plain. My US Geology is bad but they don't seam to be true tectonic mountains like the Rockies or the Appalachians, but rather one of the million unique formations.

 

I'll post on my story comments later.

Edited April 20, 2016 by Kammererite

[Robinski]

“but there are oxygen exchangers that makes make less noise” - I think I had strikethrough text but it well off I think - it's 'make' not 'makes'

A cricket is a type bug like a grasshopper. LOL - I do know about crickets, we have grasshoppers in the UK, and my wife is Canadian. My (tongue in cheek) comment was meant to highlight that I didn't understand they were eating crickets when the reference was made to the sheds, or even when the first reference was made to cricket bars - but I did not express it very well!

[Kammererite]

I am still enjoying this story and liked these two chapters. I thought the world building was done with a light hand and came off well.

 

Nape of the neck: this might be weekly reader syndrome but i thought he was sitting across from them, not behind them, so how can he see their necks.

 

...skin as dark as mine is pale...

This read awkwardly and i am not sure what you are really saying here.

 

Raj: Who's Raj, this name came from nowhere with no explanation. Is it Johnny's dad? if so it could be clearer. 

 

Greens: this name is just dropped, i though you meant trading posts are greens but you correct this later so i assume a green is a food plantation?

 

Piston: Not sure what this action is. I know it unclogs the hose but its more distracting then descriptive to me.

 

Lithium Strip: This isn't a strip of lithium metal right?  

 

Copper wire: why is this burning blue (i thought copper burned green, could be wrong)? Also this felt like it burned fast, which i do not think it it would. ,The copper would just melt into a clump assuming the fire was hot enough (and i don't think a normal fire is).

 

I like the Hayden scene don't cut it. Same with the test (although you could beef this up).

Really enjoying this so far, keep it up.

Cheers

[ecohansen]

Since a couple people have caught on the "green" bit, I might just hop in and say that I quite like it when aspects of worlds aren't explained immediately.  The unexplained green/post dichotomy is a mystery that keeps me reading.  However, my only experience with editors in similar circumstances says that they usually don't like this sort of thing.  But if it were up to me, I'd say keep it!

[spieles]

 

Comet/asteroid: I think the correct term is Meteorite or one of its forms once its impacted the earth. 

 

I found an infographic on this!  

 

Extinction event: So i didn't study this but it was part of my education some 7 years ago and at that time The dinosaur extinction was a hotly debated topic. Most people believe the impact was involved in the extinction but that the ancillary effects where the killer over time. that all said there are many question as to why all dinosaurs (big and tiny) died and why mammals survives this event. There is belief that dinos were on there way to extinction prior to the impact and it just hastened the process. Finally this event was reality small. Their are previous extinction events  in geological time that were much more devastating and we have not firm idea why. 

 

Yes. It's so fascinating. It's sort of like reading about the Mayan collapse - there are all these theories and in reality they all probably played a role, but there's still the question of what REALLY happened. As a side thing, a lot of my reading was on the Great Oxygenation Event (GOE) which killed all of the land-living anaerobic organisms - crazy mass extinction there. 

 

Really? What is the reason for this? Why does it need oxygen? (Honestly curious)

 

Naturally, now I can't find where I read this. I think it's probably logical to say that the ocean and atmosphere reach some sort of equilibrium with regard to gaseous absorption. And if most of oxygen used to come from marine phytoplankton, the ocean will be greedy... however, yeah, I'm not finding the article where I read this. 

 

Look into Stromatalites and Photochemical Dissociation for re-producing the atmosphere.

 

I am reading...!

 

Ozarks: My quick geological research says no to glacial formation but that does not preclude glacial streams being involved in the erosion of the uplifted rocks, as the area appears to be in the Laurentide ice sheet glacial out-wash plain. My US Geology is bad but they don't seam to be true tectonic mountains like the Rockies or the Appalachians, but rather one of the million unique formations.

 

Okay, and here I found a post where someone has already done the research for us. It's just like you and Ecohanson said - the glaciers never reached the Ozarks but the runoff from the north directly affected the area.

 

Thank you so much for all of your thoughts.

[spieles]

 

Nape of the neck: this might be weekly reader syndrome but i thought he was sitting across from them, not behind them, so how can he see their necks.

 

I need to fix the seat blocking.

 

...skin as dark as mine is pale...

This read awkwardly and i am not sure what you are really saying here.

 

Yeah, Calgary is black, Oz is white. I'm just going to be more blatant about this. 

 

Raj: Who's Raj, this name came from nowhere with no explanation. Is it Johnny's dad? if so it could be clearer. 

 

Yes. Johnny's dad. I'll make this clearer.

 

Greens: this name is just dropped, i though you meant trading posts are greens but you correct this later so i assume a green is a food plantation?

 

Yeah, the closest description would be homestead. I also need to clarify this.

 

Lithium Strip: This isn't a strip of lithium metal right?  

 

We had a jar of these in my chem class when we were doing molecular identification.  The burning lasts all of twenty seconds.

 

Copper wire: why is this burning blue (i thought copper burned green, could be wrong)? Also this felt like it burned fast, which i do not think it it would. ,The copper would just melt into a clump assuming the fire was hot enough (and i don't think a normal fire is).

 

So whether it burns blue or green depends on what is attached to it. It's more like a blue or green tinge at the top of a yellow flame. And we're not talking about a clump but a rather tiny amount. For my chem class we just stuck them into a bunson burner flamer - I'm thinking Oz shouldn't necessarily have them in his pocket though... that might be stretching belief. 

 

I like the Hayden scene don't cut it. Same with the test (although you could beef this up).

 

Def going to beef up the test. It seems like the most natural place to do world building.

Edited April 22, 2016 by spieles

[spieles]

“but there are oxygen exchangers that makes make less noise” - I think I had strikethrough text but it well off I think - it's 'make' not 'makes'

A cricket is a type bug like a grasshopper. LOL - I do know about crickets, we have grasshoppers in the UK, and my wife is Canadian. My (tongue in cheek) comment was meant to highlight that I didn't understand they were eating crickets when the reference was made to the sheds, or even when the first reference was made to cricket bars - but I did not express it very well!

 

Oh, lord I feel blind. Who knows how many times I've read make/makes? 

 

Re: cricket and crickets and sports and bugs -  hahah, that's so a thought that would never occur to an American but I'm going to ponder better ways of presenting it.

[spieles]

Since a couple people have caught on the "green" bit, I might just hop in and say that I quite like it when aspects of worlds aren't explained immediately.  The unexplained green/post dichotomy is a mystery that keeps me reading.  However, my only experience with editors in similar circumstances says that they usually don't like this sort of thing.  But if it were up to me, I'd say keep it!

 

Yes, I quite enjoy when I'm dropped into a world and it feels... complete - even if not everything is explained. It's real to the character so I just go with it. But yeah, my struggle with the green/trading post thing is that it's essential to Oz's world on the trading post but it really doesn't come up later in the story, so i'm like, how much time to devote, you know?

[krystalynn03]

Hey Spieles,

Last week was terribly busy for me, but I did read your submission. I’m reading it again now for the second time, and I’m going to make comments as I go and reflect on the sub as a whole. I’m not going to read what other people wrote, because I’ve found it useful even when people mention the same things because if something gets noticed or bothers more than one person that has helped me know which parts really needed more attention.

 

• I like the description of Eleanor, although after two weeks, I don’t remember exactly why she’s significant compared to the other brides, were I a reader with the whole book in front of me, this wouldn’t happen, so no worries or changes needed there I shouldn’t think. I do hope I find out why she’s breathing so hard.
• I like the shorn napes, although the image of the fleur de lis threw me the first time. I thought to myself that design seemed to complicated to put on for each single kill they make, unless they’re not killing as many I would think. Maybe if you mentioned that size of the fleurs I’d picture it better?
• ‘to be a private airport’ --- missing the word ‘a’
• Why is it rude to be at the door yanking the handle? He’s a gentleman—maybe he was opening the door for them?
• ‘since St. Louis’ and ‘stay on their Greens’ I don’t remember from three weeks ago if this was explained in the first submission…
• ‘overly crowded home’ etc. I know you gave us the image of the digital sign, but I don’t really have anything specific to visualize about the place. Is there any imagery here you could insert to give me a feeling, a tone, for what life feels like in this place? You’ve been awfully vivid about characters, but places seem not to get as much attention. I’m not advising you slow down the plot for this, but I wish I had a little something for my imagination to nibble on here. A single phrase or sentence would do, I think.
• ‘not-father’ Ouch.
• Awe to glare: Wonder what happened between them? (good reader question)
• Now I remember Eleanor…kinda. She’s famous for running/starting the Brides or something.
• ‘spell it out’—Really hostile here or rather…teen scorn
• ‘Oz’ I know the name was here in the first sub, but I am hoping that there’s a good reason why his name is Oz when it keeps triggering yellow brick roads or HBO series from childhood
• when he promises. “We’ll make room.” Shouldn’t that be a comma there since you’re using promise as a dialogue tag verb?
• ‘side step’ Merriam Webster thinks this can be a single word.
• ‘if I want out’ would be clearer if I knew he meant out of the market room…almost seemed like out of the conversation or out of the town completely
• ‘trading post etc’ I think I would have liked this kind of info before the dialogue exchange, especially since you draw a contrast with the inside of the six-wheeler
• ‘high powered visitors’ How would Johnny know? As far as I can tell he didn’t come from inside the post where Oz just left.
• ‘the kitchen’ Why is it ‘the’ and not his mom’s kitchen? Does everyone share just one?
• ‘hand mill’ Shouldn’t it be: ‘I hear the grind of hand mills’ or ‘I hear the grind of a hand mill’?
• Cricket bars: This is a fabulous detail. If I wondered about the quality of life of these people before, this tells me all in two words. This almost makes me think of the shrimp/krill factories in ‘The House of the Scorpion’ by Nancy Farmer, and in a post-apocalyptic YA sense, that’s a compliment. I really, really liked her books.
• ‘guests’ Again…how does she know? (Forgive if this was made clear in the sub several weeks ago)
• ‘solar panel eyes’ I don’t care for this description. It’s stretching the metaphor farther than I’d say it should go. I’ve got a sense of the techy-ness of the society without this here.
• ‘From when I shot him.’ I’m cool with fragments sometimes as it adds to the chain of thought voice of the present tense, but right here it just feels like a mess-up rather than an intention break in thought and addition.
• ‘a long rectangle’ …of what? Are cricket bars crunchy such that she can snap it? I was picturing something kinda’ gooey until now. There’s no description of how the food feels in Oz’s mouth, so this threw my visuals here as I have to rewrite what I thought cricket bars look like—that is, if I’m reading this right.
• I picked on a lot of wording details and so on, but the characterization is just right. I can really feel the dynamic of Oz’s relationship with Mona and Johnny through the brief conversation. I like it.
• ‘Otherwise he’s one of those people you can’t get to shut up’ …Why? Because he’s chatty? Because he’s constantly barking orders? Or what?
• “Even better, sleep deprived, you risked your next.” –It’s acceptable for the narrator to move an adverbial phrase like that in front of the subject phrase, but people don’t speak like that too often. I’m not saying you just have to change it, but it sounds a little odd for dialogue level language. Maybe you could move it to the end or have him repeat it in disgusted surprise: “Sleep deprived? You risked your neck sleep deprived(?)(.) Even better.” (Forgive me if this oversteps creative bounds…just tossing around idea—you could leave it as is and I wouldn’t fuss about it if I weren’t in editor mode—I’d be reading it too quickly to notice at all)
• [Calgary’s inspection of wound] I like Calgary a lot better than Oz does. Yup, Oz feels like a real teen.
• The hair bit: I’m getting a weird read here. I can’t wholly tell if this is more banter-like, like the better part of their relationship is showing through or if this just a continuation of how they grate on each other’s nerves. I’d like it to be playful, so that it gives their relationship more dimension, which would make Oz more likeable than just a surly teen who can’t see when someone wants to protect him. Also, I’d appreciate you replacing the use of Jesus’ name as a swear word and find something else.
• ‘Still others have major science components’ Again, the wording here feels more like a narrator talking.
• ‘tentatively back’ read weird for me. Prefer: ‘returns tentatively’
• ‘Onto the slimy bathroom floor’ This is another fragment that slows down the narrative without adding the rhythm of thought, imho
• Food from a canteen…?
• Ah, Oz for Oscar.
• The test is a great way to sneak in some expo without doing maid and butler
• Also, I appreciate the immediate test results and pack instructions—it’s keeping the pace moving
• What was his purpose in going to the shed?
• there’s something angelic about her small nose and the soft pout of her lips –I like most of the writing you’ve done, but this just made me cringe. I wouldn’t like the wording anywhere you put, but if you put it after he crouches down next to her, it might be a little less odd than noticing those details on a stranger who’s randomly setting fire in part of your home area…
• Oz seems easily impressed by girls…willing to overlook getting heady from not even O2 just so the girl can keep being pretty and making a pretty thing happen. I’ll feel better about this if it turns out to be a weakness later.
• ‘A smile slashes her mouth.’ This does work for me. Maybe, just maybe a smile could slash her face, but smile slashing her mouth just doesn’t translate to any real kind of picture that makes sense.
• Mona at the end: are the barrels empty? That bothered me while trying visualize it—also, is it normal for her to be up this late?

 

Overall, this is a good progression. There’s some bits that feel mandatory to the hero’s journey—the bit with Calgary—but you keep things rolling quickly enough and the characters varied enough that it feels like it’s going at a good, organic pace. I’m hoping that Oz doesn’t turn out to do some annoying shallow teen things: overly criticize Calgary/fall for every girl he lays eyes on, etc. I’m trusting you as a narrator not to do that to me as a reader, but so far, I’d still keep diving into the story.

[spieles]

Last week was terribly busy for me, but I did read your submission. I’m reading it again now for the second time, and I’m going to make comments as I go and reflect on the sub as a whole. I’m not going to read what other people wrote, because I’ve found it useful even when people mention the same things because if something gets noticed or bothers more than one person that has helped me know which parts really needed more attention.

 

And I was sick and things went crazy and I just realized I never replied!

 

• I like the shorn napes, although the image of the fleur de lis threw me the first time. I thought to myself that design seemed to complicated to put on for each single kill they make, unless they’re not killing as many I would think. Maybe if you mentioned that size of the fleurs I’d picture it better? Doin' it...
• ‘to be a private airport’ --- missing the word ‘a’ <3 <3 <3 LBLs
• Why is it rude to be at the door yanking the handle? He’s a gentleman—maybe he was opening the door for them? He, like, rushes to it - I should make that more clear.
• ‘since St. Louis’ and ‘stay on their Greens’ I don’t remember from three weeks ago if this was explained in the first submission… Yeah, the St. Louis thing got dropped in edits, and I def need to clarify the Green/Trading post setup a little.
• ‘not-father’ Ouch. Uh, the distance is coming more from Calgary than Oz... but yeah, there's tension.
• when he promises. “We’ll make room.” Shouldn’t that be a comma there since you’re using promise as a dialogue tag verb? <3
• ‘side step’ Merriam Webster thinks this can be a single word. <3
• ‘if I want out’ would be clearer if I knew he meant out of the market room…almost seemed like out of the conversation or out of the town completely
• ‘trading post etc’ I think I would have liked this kind of info before the dialogue exchange, especially since you draw a contrast with the inside of the six-wheeler
• ‘high powered visitors’ How would Johnny know? As far as I can tell he didn’t come from inside the post where Oz just left. Good POV check. 
• ‘the kitchen’ Why is it ‘the’ and not his mom’s kitchen? Does everyone share just one?
• ‘hand mill’ Shouldn’t it be: ‘I hear the grind of hand mills’ or ‘I hear the grind of a hand mill’?
• Cricket bars: This is a fabulous detail. If I wondered about the quality of life of these people before, this tells me all in two words. This almost makes me think of the shrimp/krill factories in ‘The House of the Scorpion’ by Nancy Farmer, and in a post-apocalyptic YA sense, that’s a compliment. I really, really liked her books.
• ‘guests’ Again…how does she know? (Forgive if this was made clear in the sub several weeks ago)
• ‘solar panel eyes’ I don’t care for this description. It’s stretching the metaphor farther than I’d say it should go. I’ve got a sense of the techy-ness of the society without this here.
• ‘From when I shot him.’ I’m cool with fragments sometimes as it adds to the chain of thought voice of the present tense, but right here it just feels like a mess-up rather than an intention break in thought and addition.
• ‘a long rectangle’ …of what? Are cricket bars crunchy such that she can snap it? I was picturing something kinda’ gooey until now. There’s no description of how the food feels in Oz’s mouth, so this threw my visuals here as I have to rewrite what I thought cricket bars look like—that is, if I’m reading this right.
• I picked on a lot of wording details and so on, but the characterization is just right. I can really feel the dynamic of Oz’s relationship with Mona and Johnny through the brief conversation. I like it.
• ‘Otherwise he’s one of those people you can’t get to shut up’ …Why? Because he’s chatty? Because he’s constantly barking orders? Or what? Yeah, I mentioned this above in a comment reply but Calgary is a bit of punk. He's pompous and immature (while still being lovable)
• “Even better, sleep deprived, you risked your next.” –It’s acceptable for the narrator to move an adverbial phrase like that in front of the subject phrase, but people don’t speak like that too often. I’m not saying you just have to change it, but it sounds a little odd for dialogue level language. Maybe you could move it to the end or have him repeat it in disgusted surprise: “Sleep deprived? You risked your neck sleep deprived(?)(.) Even better.” (Forgive me if this oversteps creative bounds…just tossing around idea—you could leave it as is and I wouldn’t fuss about it if I weren’t in editor mode—I’d be reading it too quickly to notice at all) No worries
• [Calgary’s inspection of wound] I like Calgary a lot better than Oz does. Yup, Oz feels like a real teen.
• The hair bit: I’m getting a weird read here. I can’t wholly tell if this is more banter-like, like the better part of their relationship is showing through or if this just a continuation of how they grate on each other’s nerves. I’d like it to be playful, so that it gives their relationship more dimension, which would make Oz more likeable than just a surly teen who can’t see when someone wants to protect him. Also, I’d appreciate you replacing the use of Jesus’ name as a swear word and find something else. Yeah, I think I need to make Calgary both more annoying and also clarify their relationship.
• ‘Still others have major science components’ Again, the wording here feels more like a narrator talking.
• ‘tentatively back’ read weird for me. Prefer: ‘returns tentatively’
• ‘Onto the slimy bathroom floor’ This is another fragment that slows down the narrative without adding the rhythm of thought, imho
• Food from a canteen…?
• Ah, Oz for Oscar.
• The test is a great way to sneak in some expo without doing maid and butler
• Also, I appreciate the immediate test results and pack instructions—it’s keeping the pace moving
• there’s something angelic about her small nose and the soft pout of her lips –I like most of the writing you’ve done, but this just made me cringe. I wouldn’t like the wording anywhere you put, but if you put it after he crouches down next to her, it might be a little less odd than noticing those details on a stranger who’s randomly setting fire in part of your home area…

Thank you so much for all your edits. I didn't reply to all of them because my answers got repetitively to be yes, yes.... yes. LOL

Edited May 2, 2016 by spieles