20140120 - andyk - Fire in the Blood ch.4 (V)

[andyk]

I finally got round to editing the fourth chapter of Fire in the Blood and have sent it round. I'm now more than half way through writing this thing - I'm on something like chapter 18 - but I never seem to find the time to tidy them up enough to share with others.

 

Anyway...

 

Previously:

Varus, a veteran of the Roman legions, was scarred by priestly magic during a battle in Gaul. He now hears voices in his head, not least from the torc that was a souvenir of that battle.

Varus has come to Rome to serve in the household of Gaius Cadmius Murena, a senator and general whose life Varus saved. Murena has a young wife, Livia, and a grown up daughter from his previous marriage, Cadmia.

The first three chapters were all from Varus's point of view.

 

Thanks for all the feedback so far. I've been reading it and it's been great.

 

[The Goat]

Some little things:

 

p.1 stiff as a column and just as warm company. The just as warm company part seemed awkward to me.

 

Small typos: p.1 They were on good form - i think you meant IN good form and p.6 false sympathy was as BAD as the real thing

 

 

Some bigger things:

 

I must say, once again, I really like what you've got going on here. This whole Roman world is really coming to life for me. I love how matter-of-factly you talk about fantastical things, like the pacts and the satyr. It makes them seem very much an every day part of the world. I was also glad to see the viewpoint change to Cadmia because last chapter I found myself wanting to know more about her. 

 

I also LOVE the religious magical system. The way she has to appease the gods to get them to intervene. However I can see how it might become too easy at times. I wonder if there is a way she can pray to store up power from the gods to keep them with her, or does she always have to make a deal at the moment she needs them. If so that seems a bit convenient. I really do love the concept though I think it's an interesting take that is fun to read about. 

 

There was only one thing that fell a bit flat for me, and that was the end. I felt like it should have ended sooner, or maybe kept going a little more to where she talks to Varus and has him go after the satyrs for information. I don't know, I just felt like it ended in the middle of something, and not in a cliff hangery kind of good way. It all seemed to get summed up really fast after the fight, and then it was over.

 

Maybe it was that I didn't really feel the impact of the tragedy that the blow on their families reputation would have if everyone left. After the intensity of what just happened, it seemed pretty pale by comparison.

 

Really good job though, I am excited to read more!

[Mandamon]

First some comments:

 

pg 1: "The misery he had flouted"

-maybe not the right word choice?  Displayed? Exhibited? Revealed?

 

pg 1: I assume you've done the research, but wouldn't they have slaves instead of servants?

 

pg 3: top

a little confusion here.  Murena suddenly starts talking and you haven't said he was there, so he sort of appears out of the air.

 

pg 5: I like the tie of magic to the gods.  It describes their fickle nature very well, just as in the myths.  I love that Cadmia has to haggle and barter to get access to what she needs.  It adds a lot of constraints to the magic system, depending on the personality of the god, which is always good.

 

An interesting chapter. It was a bit slow to start, but picked up a lot by the end, and made me like Cadmia a lot more.  I now want to read more about her.

You never really mention anything about pacts with the gods through Varus' POV.  I assume he also knows of them, and so it's strange for it only to come up in the 4th chapter.  That said, That part caught my attention the most so far.

I agree with The Goat that the end was a little flat.  I know it's a blow for Murena's reputation, of course, but it might be better to flesh out the Roman culture a little more and tell us why it's so big a blow.  

[Robinski]

I really enjoyed this chapter, bursting with action and conflict, almost breathless. We learn a lot of background information about Murena’s household and various senators, but it was too highly charged to feel in any way like info dumping. I did have some issues, noted below in detailed comments, but this chapter has really pumped up the energy and excitement levels, and I'm keen to read more – good job.

 

My main points were that I feel Livius was too overtly villainous, certainly from Cadmia’s viewpoint, which is what the reader got. The chapter also seems to put Cadmia at the heart of the action as the protagonist, to the point that Varus seems marginalised. I'm sure he will come back to lead other chapters, but Cadmia seems a more interesting character at this point, certainly the most entertaining, although there is clearly something going on with Varus’s torc and his voices. Cadmia’s opinions about the world around her seem to lack insight and balanced contemplation, and I'm not sure to what extent that is down to her youth and inexperience, or her being close-minded to opposite opinions.

 

Reading the other comments now, I do agree with Goat and Mandamon about the magic system (excellent!), however not so much about the end point being flat. As a father, and a son, I can say that seeing a parent brought to a point of helplessness like that (as I have done a long time ago) is very troubling for a child of any age. We hear from Cadmia after the attack about how protected she feels at her father's touch, and yet by the end he seems to have given up hope, which would be crushing for a child who would probably take her father's protection for granted. So maybe only one more line needed to play that up, if that's your intention.

 

Detailed comments below – I hope that these are useful.

 

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Not sure ‘flouted’ is the word, ‘flaunted’?

 

The line about a daughter giving him an heir sounds like the daughter producing the heir, rather than (not) being the heir.

 

‘What a pity she could not beat them like the imbeciles and libertines the(y) were.’ I'm not sure this sentence makes sense.

 

I'm really enjoying seeing things from Cadmia’s viewpoint, she really is gloriously cynical. We are learning a lot here, and yet it in no way feels like an info dump to me, because the delivery is so entertaining.

 

Cadmia thinks of Livius having grace, and yet his words following that thought seem rather graceless.

 

Livius is painted as being overtly villainous, certainly from Cadmia’s viewpoint. The description of him sneering, the snake’s smile, etc. is a bit strong, I half expect him to have a moustache to start twiddling evilly. And yet, listening to his argument impartially, there definitely seem to be valid criticisms to answer. Also, Cadmia’s characterisation of both the other senators and the people of Rome seems close-minded and simplistic. Perhaps that’s how the reader is supposed to see her, but it makes me doubt my impression of Cadmia’s age, in fact, I'm not quite sure where to place it.

 

I like the fact that Cadmia is scheming for her family’s betterment, because that is all she can do as a woman, since her gender is debarred from having any kind of overt or independent influence or leadership role. For me, she is a fascinating mix of cynicism, spite, calculation and loyalty. She clearly seems to love her father, and yet at the same time is disappointed in him, or some of the things he does at least.

 

I enjoyed the encounter with Bantius, he seems naive, but that is foreshadowed in the description of his youth. It does lead me to question Cadmia’s age again, I wonder if I’ve missed or forgotten a reference, is she maybe 16ish and him 20ish? I really like the sentence that talks about human artifice and what Cadmia admires about the garden, very much in tune with the sense that I have of her now.

 

‘The air around her’ twice in the one sentence.

 

I'm not sure about rose bushes being predators, although it’s a nice image. I thought the attack was well described, the mounting fear in Cadmia and her offer of greater and greater tribute to Diana as each previous offering failed is a novel idea. We learn more about the system of pacts in this chapter, and it’s done by ‘show don’t tell’, which is good.

 

‘Concern’ doesn’t seem a strong enough reaction for Murena when faced with his daughter holding the head of one who, ostensibly, was a guest in his home, she is spattered in blood, which for all he knows is her own.

 

The image of Rogatus of the blatant glutton is unsophisticated. There are few shades of grey in the secondary characters, which I feel lets down what I think is strong characterisation of Varus, Cadmia and Murena.

[andyk]

Thanks for all the great feedback folks. Your comments have given me a lot of encouragement as well as food for thought.

 

I'll try to do some more editing this week and get the next chapter ready for Monday.

[yankorro]

Hi there, sorry for the slight delay in posting this, been a busy couple weeks for me...

 

I don't have a lot to add to what's already been said here. Perhaps it's a function of the gap in reading one chapter to the next, but I had a hard time latching on at the beginning of the chapter. Generally I think the party scene and her interactions with the others does a lot to bring out Cadmia's character, but I wonder if maybe some of the beginning of the scene could be streamlined or summarized.

 

As you might imagine from reading my stuff my instinct is usually to let the reader observe character and work out their thoughts and motivations on their own--to a fault, actually--so take it as you will but I could actually use a little less of Cadmia's voice in the narration. Personal preference, I know, but as a reader I sometimes feel like I'm being flooded with too much of her opinions and "judginess" (which on one hand is fine because she's a judgey sort of person), whereas I'd like to watch Dama et al myself and sniff out the rat myself. Don't know if that makes sense. I think you could balance her perceptions and whatever little bits of information you need to slip in with a less-internalized perspective on the action. Again, strictly my personal preference, though.

 

The action sequence was well handled although I got a little lost following things when the owls and what not showed up:

>>‘I will make this man my prey, and bring him to you as offering.’

>>The knife plunged down, just as an owl dove out of the darkness. Startled, Cadmia’s attacker missed. The owl snatched a rat from the path and soared away.

 

This is sort of a crucial moment to the scene but I wasn't one hundred percent clear what was going on here exactly, why the attacker missed, cause an owl grabbed a rat?

 

Like I said, not a lot to say that's not already been said. Hope it helps!