Reading Excuses - 4-11-16 - Spieles - Heir Ch 0-2 (L,V) - 4,305 words

[spieles]

Hi, all,

 

I'm particularly curious what you all think about the amount of action in the first chapter.

 

One reader suggested I have the Rex not chase Oz but corner him immediately: 

 

Okay... For this early in the story this fight scene is going on WAY too long. As a reader new to your stories universe, I want something to be happening, but that happening has to further my understanding of the character/world/conflict. All this fighting is just fighting with absolutely no secondary importance.

 

However, other readers said the action made their heart beat faster, and I think his ability to escape does reveal aspects of his character (notably, that he's got mad skillz).

 

I'm assuming the right balance is somewhere in the middle, but I'm also aware that there's even more action in Chapter 2 - so feedback on this would be great.

 

Shannon

Edited April 11, 2016 by spieles

[king007]

Hello Spieles, congratz on your first submission to Reading Excuses. I hope you keep'em coming ^^

 

As for your work itself, It was rather thrilling. I liked the actions scenes, even though sometimes I couldn't quite clearly understand what was going on. But I assure you that the biggest part of this lies in my yet-to-be-improved English.

I do not agree with the mentioned reader. I found the action appropriate for these two first chapters. It established the violent nature of the world and -like you said- the mad skillz of our MC.

 

I also appreciated the use of the present tense. It made me more immersed into the story.

As far as grammar and writing mistakes go, you've come a long way in avoiding them. Just a bit of revision, and the piece will be even more enthralling.

 

I found the interactions between the characters to be spot on. Well done. I'm already suspecting that the Eleanor is the mother of Oz. I wonder if that's true.

 

Good luck on your next submissions!

[ecohansen]

The story was very well-told, and the tone was consistent throughout.

 

There was more action than I personally prefer in a first chapter, but to each their own.

 

Line Quibbles:

"All I want is cake and my dad."  A simultaneously  well-crafted and confusing line that kept me from focusing on the rest of the first paragraph.  If the dad is already there, then why does the narrator "want" him?  If the dad is already there, does that mean the cake is also already there?  Ah, the cake is the cupcake in paragraph 2.  So that must mean that the narrator "wants" cake, despite already having it, because a cupcake is a poor substitute for a cake.  By extension, does that mean that the father is a poor substitute for a dad?  --this is what I was thinking during the first paragraph, instead of being immersed in the story.

 

On the other hand, the tension between being able to afford maids and silver but not candles worked very well for me, drawing me into the world and making me curious.

 

"He's just a little boy" We only learn the narrator's gender on page 2.  Since parties and daffodils are stereotypically feminine, I was imagining a girl.

 

"poseurs" Again, this induced a time-out while I thought "what group are they posing as, and why aren't they genuine? Since they're wearing leather, I'm guessing they're posing as either punks or greasers.  They seem pretty genuine, though--hard to imagine spoiled suburban kids posing as punks in this postapocalyptic wasteland."

 

"The cold punch of the wind burns up my sinuses"  Why does it burn if he's wearing a gas mask? And burns up sounds pretty devastatingly final.  Once I learned on page 7 that he doesn't need the mask, I flipped back to see if maybe he'd turned the mask off for this part. Maybe the mask magnified the sound of his breathing that was mentioned a few lines before?  But you never said he turned the mask off,and after he loses his mask he has trouble breathing, implying that he actually was using it before.

 

"crickets flute" To me, crickets are not particularly flute-like.

 

"Sony"  a personal name with the same spelling as a brand name is a bit jarring (I'm one to talk, after naming a protagonist 'joebob')

 

 "Breathing at a lower oxygen level always takessome adjustment." I'm sure we'll learn more about what happened to the atmosphere later, but so far you've implied that two different things have both happened.  First, something caustic was added to the air to make it 'burn' when breathed.  Second, oxygen levels were reduced.  Just checking that you intended for BOTH of these things to be implied.

 

"his voice is a half-gargle as he proclaims, “He lives!”" To me, the Rex' death here seems pretty noble: ignoring his own death-pains to shout out vital information to any other Rex that might be near.  I'm not sure if you intended it that way...

In general, the narrator has assured us of the Rex' insanity and we've seen evidence that they do bad things off-screen, but when we actually see them acting they are within the bounds that could be expected from normal human gangsters or soldiers in a postapocalyptic warzone.  They still seem pretty human, and can even be identified with in places like this one.

 

pg 11: "the soldier's" Which soldier? The recently-dead Rex soldier?

 

"On toe pointe" While I wouldn't want to mess with a real ballerina, the image of battle-ballerinas came across as more goofy than terrifying.  I imagined them crossing the field with the tiny mincing steps of toe-pointe.  Maybe something like "Balletically leaping to toe pointe, they..." would give more of the intended image.

 

"We can give you a ride" The paragraph-long sentence that followed this seemed a bit clunky.

 

Overall, a good story well-told, and I'm definitely looking forward to the next instalment.

Edited April 11, 2016 by ecohansen

[spieles]

Hello Spieles, congratz on your first submission to Reading Excuses. I hope you keep'em coming ^^

 

As for your work itself, It was rather thrilling. I liked the actions scenes, even though sometimes I couldn't quite clearly understand what was going on. But I assure you that the biggest part of this lies in my yet-to-be-improved English.

 

I do not agree with the mentioned reader. I found the action appropriate for these two first chapters. It established the violent nature of the world and -like you said- the mad skillz of our MC.

 

I also appreciated the use of the present tense. It made me more immersed into the story. As far as grammar and writing mistakes go, you've come a long way in avoiding them. Just a bit of revision, and the piece will be even more enthralling.

 

I found the interactions between the characters to be spot on. Well done. I'm already suspecting that the Eleanor is the mother of Oz. I wonder if that's true.

 

Good luck on your next submissions!

 

Thank you for reading, King! I'm so glad you found it thrilling. I really like the first person present - so I was eager to use it here.

 

As an aside, If you recall any of them, I'm quite curious on what parts you found confusing - I doubt you're the only one to do so.

[spieles]

The story was very well-told, and the tone was consistent throughout.

 

There was more action than I personally prefer in a first chapter, but to each their own.

 

Line Quibbles:

"All I want is cake and my dad."  A simultaneously  well-crafted and confusing line that kept me from focusing on the rest of the first paragraph.  If the dad is already there, then why does the narrator "want" him?  If the dad is already there, does that mean the cake is also already there?  Ah, the cake is the cupcake in paragraph 2.  So that must mean that the narrator "wants" cake, despite already having it, because a cupcake is a poor substitute for a cake.  By extension, does that mean that the father is a poor substitute for a dad?  --this is what I was thinking during the first paragraph, instead of being immersed in the story.

 

On the other hand, the tension between being able to afford maids and silver but not candles worked very well for me, drawing me into the world and making me curious.

 

"He's just a little boy" We only learn the narrator's gender on page 2.  Since parties and daffodils are stereotypically feminine, I was imagining a girl.

 

"poseurs" Again, this induced a time-out while I thought "what group are they posing as, and why aren't they genuine? Since they're wearing leather, I'm guessing they're posing as either punks or greasers.  They seem pretty genuine, though--hard to imagine spoiled suburban kids posing as punks in this postapocalyptic wasteland."

 

"The cold punch of the wind burns up my sinuses"  Why does it burn if he's wearing a gas mask? And burns up sounds pretty devastatingly final.  Once I learned on page 7 that he doesn't need the mask, I flipped back to see if maybe he'd turned the mask off for this part. Maybe the mask magnified the sound of his breathing that was mentioned a few lines before?  But you never said he turned the mask off,and after he loses his mask he has trouble breathing, implying that he actually was using it before.

 

"crickets flute" To me, crickets are not particularly flute-like.

 

"Sony"  a personal name with the same spelling as a brand name is a bit jarring (I'm one to talk, after naming a protagonist 'joebob')

 

 "Breathing at a lower oxygen level always takessome adjustment." I'm sure we'll learn more about what happened to the atmosphere later, but so far you've implied that two different things have both happened.  First, something caustic was added to the air to make it 'burn' when breathed.  Second, oxygen levels were reduced.  Just checking that you intended for BOTH of these things to be implied.

 

"his voice is a half-gargle as he proclaims, “He lives!”" To me, the Rex' death here seems pretty noble: ignoring his own death-pains to shout out vital information to any other Rex that might be near.  I'm not sure if you intended it that way...

In general, the narrator has assured us of the Rex' insanity and we've seen evidence that they do bad things off-screen, but when we actually see them acting they are within the bounds that could be expected from normal human gangsters or soldiers in a postapocalyptic warzone.  They still seem pretty human, and can even be identified with in places like this one.

 

pg 11: "the soldier's" Which soldier? The recently-dead Rex soldier?

 

"On toe pointe" While I wouldn't want to mess with a real ballerina, the image of battle-ballerinas came across as more goofy than terrifying.  I imagined them crossing the field with the tiny mincing steps of toe-pointe.  Maybe something like "Balletically leaping to toe pointe, they..." would give more of the intended image.

 

"We can give you a ride" The paragraph-long sentence that followed this seemed a bit clunky.

 

Overall, a good story well-told, and I'm definitely looking forward to the next instalment.

 

Kaisa also found the "all I want is cake and my dad" line to be off, if for different reasons, so I think if more than two people are hung up on it, I should play with it.

 

And thank you for pointing out the juxtaposition of maids/candle - it's great to know what draws readers in (that way, you don't throw out the baby with the bath water, etc.)

 

"He's just a little boy."  I'm going to brainstorm to see if we can get his sex mentioned sooner.

 

"The cold punch of the wind burns up my sinuses" - yeah, you make a good point. It's not really that the air is caustic just that oxygen levels are low - will fix.

 

"Sony" - is actually a really common name in the Dominican Republic where she's from so I'm going to hold onto this one for now for diversity purposes.

 

"his voice is a half-gargle as he proclaims, “He lives!”" Yes, the Rex are more comparable to neanderthals or another humanoid species. They're def not zombies but obviously they're lacking in certain human traits.

 

Going to work on the rest - thank you so much for all your comments.

[Asmodemon]

Welcome to the group. I really enjoyed your first submission, it’s been a while since I read a good post-apocalyptic story. I’m looking forward to see where you’re going to take this.

 

Prologue: I’m not sure you need to call your prologue a prologue, since this could just as easily simply be called chapter one. While the dream is of the past the fact that it is a dream, as well as the ending of the chapter, make it pretty clear the prologue is in the same timeframe as the next chapter, and you also don’t switch characters…so why not just call this chapter one?

 

Dream opening: I found the opening a bit confusing, since your main character wants cake and his dad and in the dream he has both. I get that outside of the dream his father his dead, but that’s not what comes to my mind at first read.

 

Boy: Up until the father says that Oz is just a little boy I was thinking the POV character was a girl.

 

Rex: Interesting name for the mutated people, the Latin word for king. There is mention of a crown by one of the Rex, but I’m not seeing why the mutants are kings? By their speech they also seem to have a sort of hive structure to the group. Interesting, something to keep me hooked until you explain that somewhere in the story.

 

Beautiful brides: I’m having a hard time matching your description of the Brides to them being beautiful. Their armor uses a cloaking device so their bodies are very hard to see. Their faces are mostly covered by some sort of mask except for the eyes and mouth – I’m kind of picturing a batman-like cowl for this. There is no way to really tell how they look given they are wearing body armor and a masks, never mind the fact to ascertain if they are beautiful or not.

Also, they should be wearing breathing devices as well – that isn’t integrated in the mask they wear? That seems weird.

[kais]

Ah, post-apocalyptic future with Rex, we meet again!

 

spieles, unsure if you've edited since I last went through the draft, but thought I would go again anyway. As always, just ignore any redundancy.

 

 

As I read

- I wouldn't mind just a little more stage setting before the death seeps in. Maybe one more sentence? A hug from the father? Him helping Oz blow out the dandelion? Just a little more warmth to make the action really connect

 

- wait, glass in palms why? (page 2) Did he dive through a window?

 

- pretty certain I mentioned this before, but the listing of the dead on page three just always brings me right to Arya Stark. I don't think that's a bad thing at all.

 

- Just finishing chapter one and I have to say that I am enjoying the action and this chapter a lot more this time around. I think it is because I have the context of the rest of the book already and, as you have seen from my writing, I am a background, transition, and description person, sometimes to the detriment of my own writing. I'm connecting with Oz, understanding the Rex, getting the snap of the final line in chapter one so much quicker now. Readers who love action will likely head right into the narrative without issue, but maybe it helps to have the perspective of a 'give me all the descriptions' type reader? Regardless, loving round two.

 

- still catching on shoving soda machines. Those things are heavy. Does he tip it more, maybe? Is it on wheels?

 

- If this future ever happens, I would totally be a Bride. Just putting that out there, you know, in case.

 

- On page 14, where he meets Eleanor for the first time, and my heart is just all THUMP THUMP THUMP. Meeting means so much more to me now!

 

On action

It's still a lot of action for me (I assume that comment in your OP was mine, since I would likely say exactly that). This could just be personal preference, however, as I need my action interspersed with either large robots, space ships, or bantery dialogue (all at one time would make me wet my pants). For action readers the level of action is likely just fine. If you're going after the YA male audience, it is likely ideal.

 

So the first few chapters still wouldn't hook me (as I would want a bit more interaction with other people), but since I'm not your key demographic, I don't think my opinion is the one you want here. By the end of the book I am totally hooked, so you do get to where I want to be eventually. 

 

 

Glad to see you submitting, and looking forward to reading through again!

[krystalynn03]

Hey Spieles,

 

This was pretty darn good.

 

Except for a couple things, it felt really smooth to read and immersed me fairly quickly. I liked the present tense for YA, and the nature of the world and the immediacy of danger all the time with so much warring and bad atmosphere really feels amped up with present tense in use.

 

Your use of imagery is generally pretty good, and there were only a couple places where it shoved me out of the story rather than draw me in.

 

"It's not a battle cry... " etc. This dialogue felt unprompted and tossed me a bit when I saw it.

 

 “It’s not your fault you smell like sewage or that you look like a ghoul with that jellyfish on your face." This part jolted me from the narrative since it's a mixed metaphor and the last paragraph had already been referencing sea life

 

Since you asked about pacing and action, you held me in the ride mostly, but I did drift into scanning around the bottom of page 4 and the bottom of page 8. I noticed that on purpose since I knew that was a concern you voiced.

 

I'm not sure how I feel about the reveal of his ability to breathe exactly as it happens in text now. I'm sure you have your reasons, but the pacing felt a little bit odd right there, and I can't quite put my finger on in why it felt a little off to me.

 

I like the idea of the Brides, although for some reason I'm having imagery from BioShock (a game I've never played) surface in my mind to supply me with pictures while I read some of this--probably the water-dystopia-strange gender role assignments common themes. I'm not suggesting anything, jsut mentioning that it called it to mind while reading the text.

 

I would definitely read more of this book, but I think the heightened level of imagery might getting taxing as far as pacing goes over time if it keeps up like this, but we'll see!

[spieles]

Welcome to the group. I really enjoyed your first submission, it’s been a while since I read a good post-apocalyptic story. I’m looking forward to see where you’re going to take this.

 

Prologue: I’m not sure you need to call your prologue a prologue, since this could just as easily simply be called chapter one. While the dream is of the past the fact that it is a dream, as well as the ending of the chapter, make it pretty clear the prologue is in the same timeframe as the next chapter, and you also don’t switch characters…so why not just call this chapter one?

 

Dream opening: I found the opening a bit confusing, since your main character wants cake and his dad and in the dream he has both. I get that outside of the dream his father his dead, but that’s not what comes to my mind at first read.

 

Boy: Up until the father says that Oz is just a little boy I was thinking the POV character was a girl.

 

Rex: Interesting name for the mutated people, the Latin word for king. There is mention of a crown by one of the Rex, but I’m not seeing why the mutants are kings? By their speech they also seem to have a sort of hive structure to the group. Interesting, something to keep me hooked until you explain that somewhere in the story.

 

Beautiful brides: I’m having a hard time matching your description of the Brides to them being beautiful. Their armor uses a cloaking device so their bodies are very hard to see. Their faces are mostly covered by some sort of mask except for the eyes and mouth – I’m kind of picturing a batman-like cowl for this. There is no way to really tell how they look given they are wearing body armor and a masks, never mind the fact to ascertain if they are beautiful or not.

Also, they should be wearing breathing devices as well – that isn’t integrated in the mask they wear? That seems weird.

 

Thank you so much for your feedback. I'm excited to join the group.

 

Yeah, I'm going to lose the "cake and dad line" and indicate Oz is a boy much faster. As others have said the flower imagery keeps leading readers to think he's female before the line from his dad. 

 

And I hope you enjoy the development of the Rex!

 

I need to work on the description of the brides. I swear I'd actually edited more and now as I reread I feel like some edits got lost. Regardless, it needs work. Beautiful might not be the word...

 

thanks again!

[spieles]

Ah, post-apocalyptic future with Rex, we meet again!

 

spieles, unsure if you've edited since I last went through the draft, but thought I would go again anyway. As always, just ignore any redundancy.

 

 

As I read

- I wouldn't mind just a little more stage setting before the death seeps in. Maybe one more sentence? A hug from the father? Him helping Oz blow out the dandelion? Just a little more warmth to make the action really connect

 

- wait, glass in palms why? (page 2) Did he dive through a window?

 

- pretty certain I mentioned this before, but the listing of the dead on page three just always brings me right to Arya Stark. I don't think that's a bad thing at all.

 

- Just finishing chapter one and I have to say that I am enjoying the action and this chapter a lot more this time around. I think it is because I have the context of the rest of the book already and, as you have seen from my writing, I am a background, transition, and description person, sometimes to the detriment of my own writing. I'm connecting with Oz, understanding the Rex, getting the snap of the final line in chapter one so much quicker now. Readers who love action will likely head right into the narrative without issue, but maybe it helps to have the perspective of a 'give me all the descriptions' type reader? Regardless, loving round two.

 

- still catching on shoving soda machines. Those things are heavy. Does he tip it more, maybe? Is it on wheels?

 

- If this future ever happens, I would totally be a Bride. Just putting that out there, you know, in case.

 

- On page 14, where he meets Eleanor for the first time, and my heart is just all THUMP THUMP THUMP. Meeting means so much more to me now!

 

On action

It's still a lot of action for me (I assume that comment in your OP was mine, since I would likely say exactly that). This could just be personal preference, however, as I need my action interspersed with either large robots, space ships, or bantery dialogue (all at one time would make me wet my pants). For action readers the level of action is likely just fine. If you're going after the YA male audience, it is likely ideal.

 

So the first few chapters still wouldn't hook me (as I would want a bit more interaction with other people), but since I'm not your key demographic, I don't think my opinion is the one you want here. By the end of the book I am totally hooked, so you do get to where I want to be eventually. 

 

 

Glad to see you submitting, and looking forward to reading through again!

 

Hah. That was totally not you who made that comment that I quoted - it was directly yanked from my AbsoluteWrite thread. Though, you thought the two chapters of action were pushing it, and thus my emphasis on the action/narrative balance, etc. 

 

Yeah, the glass in the palms is from the bullet shattering the greenhouse glass. I'm going to figure out how to make that clearer.

 

LOL. I switched out the Slurpee machine for the soda machine since your last read. So the soda fountain machine is at this point completely empty of syrup, soda, and ice, which makes up most of their weight so I think he'd be able to give it a good shove.

 

Yeah, on the action balance - I got pretty good feedback from my in-person writing group today on the action so I think some of it is reader preference, but I, of course, want all the cookies, so if there are clever ways to better balance the beginning of the story and draw in more happy readers, I'm all ears. I keep snipping and tipping but I only think that can take me so far.

 

Anyway, I did a full edit of your chapter 8, so I should have those comments to you tomorrow. :)

[spieles]

Hey Spieles,

 

This was pretty darn good.

 

Except for a couple things, it felt really smooth to read and immersed me fairly quickly. I liked the present tense for YA, and the nature of the world and the immediacy of danger all the time with so much warring and bad atmosphere really feels amped up with present tense in use.

 

Your use of imagery is generally pretty good, and there were only a couple places where it shoved me out of the story rather than draw me in.

 

"It's not a battle cry... " etc. This dialogue felt unprompted and tossed me a bit when I saw it.

 

 “It’s not your fault you smell like sewage or that you look like a ghoul with that jellyfish on your face." This part jolted me from the narrative since it's a mixed metaphor and the last paragraph had already been referencing sea life

 

Since you asked about pacing and action, you held me in the ride mostly, but I did drift into scanning around the bottom of page 4 and the bottom of page 8. I noticed that on purpose since I knew that was a concern you voiced.

 

I'm not sure how I feel about the reveal of his ability to breathe exactly as it happens in text now. I'm sure you have your reasons, but the pacing felt a little bit odd right there, and I can't quite put my finger on in why it felt a little off to me.

 

I like the idea of the Brides, although for some reason I'm having imagery from BioShock (a game I've never played) surface in my mind to supply me with pictures while I read some of this--probably the water-dystopia-strange gender role assignments common themes. I'm not suggesting anything, jsut mentioning that it called it to mind while reading the text.

 

I would definitely read more of this book, but I think the heightened level of imagery might getting taxing as far as pacing goes over time if it keeps up like this, but we'll see!

 

Thank you Krystalynn! I totally read video game imagery when I go through scifi books (though I might have an addiction...)

 

I will turn my scalpel on pp. 4 and 8 - helpful to have targets. 

 

And yeah, next chapter the action will give way to much needed exposition. I love your feedback and comments - it's fascinating what people react to.

 

Thank you so much.

[Kammererite]

Good start. I don't think you need to cut the chase as it really world builds your setting. 

Comments on some aspect bellow.

 

Rex: not having a plural form is grating on me a little. That said i think they themselves are cool, and like the tidbits yo dropped.

 

 

Gun: This is to generic of a term, you don't have to use a specific gun name (especially if your character doesn't know what it is) but pistol, shotgun or rife would be a better description and slightly inform on you characters tactics. 

 

Mask: I got the impression it was a full face mask (don't know why) until it was ripped of. 

 

Baleen A/C: Great visual! 

 

Blocking at end of Scene one: The Rex is at the window,  the MC is hanging ( i read the distance as  more then an arms length). The Rex needs to get on the escape to take the mask. 

 

The landing: This paragraph on 7 reads like the character is falling twice. it threw me right out of the story.

 

Commandeered bombs: The MC jump to this conclusion is way to quick with zero evidence to support this action has occurred . No time has passed yet but they have found, and reset all the bombs. Their is no way the MC just assumes this. 

 

Soda machine: This felt to easy to knock over. 

 

Second mask: Two points, you need to mention this is a back up when you first grab it. second i know the MC doesn't need it but you would think they would put on his back up right away, else why was he wearing his primary to begin with?

 

Brides Mask: Confusing description, are their mouths not covered. It would be hard not to accentually inhale with your mouth. 

 

That all said the action was fun to read through (yay for another person writing in First person present) and you got me guessing on some things already. The fight/ chase were good very enjoyable (i like action sequences). Also i'll say i like the post- apocalypse them with out zombies.

 

[spieles]

Good start. I don't think you need to cut the chase as it really world builds your setting. 

Comments on some aspect bellow.

 

Rex: not having a plural form is grating on me a little. That said i think they themselves are cool, and like the tidbits yo dropped.

 

 

Gun: This is to generic of a term, you don't have to use a specific gun name (especially if your character doesn't know what it is) but pistol, shotgun or rife would be a better description and slightly inform on you characters tactics. 

 

Mask: I got the impression it was a full face mask (don't know why) until it was ripped of. 

 

Baleen A/C: Great visual! 

 

Blocking at end of Scene one: The Rex is at the window,  the MC is hanging ( i read the distance as  more then an arms length). The Rex needs to get on the escape to take the mask. 

 

The landing: This paragraph on 7 reads like the character is falling twice. it threw me right out of the story.

 

Commandeered bombs: The MC jump to this conclusion is way to quick with zero evidence to support this action has occurred . No time has passed yet but they have found, and reset all the bombs. Their is no way the MC just assumes this. 

 

Soda machine: This felt to easy to knock over. 

 

Second mask: Two points, you need to mention this is a back up when you first grab it. second i know the MC doesn't need it but you would think they would put on his back up right away, else why was he wearing his primary to begin with?

 

Brides Mask: Confusing description, are their mouths not covered. It would be hard not to accentually inhale with your mouth. 

 

That all said the action was fun to read through (yay for another person writing in First person present) and you got me guessing on some things already. The fight/ chase were good very enjoyable (i like action sequences). Also i'll say i like the post- apocalypse them with out zombies.

 

Thank you so much for your comments.

 

Yeah, I can be more specific on the guns. Going to start researching...

 

And you're right on masks. I've sort of avoided describing them and even a line or two would really clear things up - so I'm going to work on that for both Oz's masks and the Brides.

 

Fire escape - LOL - so I have spent the past thirty seconds now studying the fire escape outside my window. Even if Oz were on the bottom grate rail - I think the Rex could still reach him, but that's because it's a pretty small fire escape. The ones on the building across from us connect two apartment windows and that would definitely be out of reach at any angle. 

 

I've also had that thought on the commandeered bombs. This could fixed as easily as Oz seeing the Rex setting the bombs up.

 

Soda machine - you and Kaisa have convinced me - we're downgrading to a coffee machine. 

 

Thank you so so much for all your help.

[Kammererite]

Soda machine - you and Kaisa have convinced me - we're downgrading to a coffee machine. 

I don't think you need to remove it, but better describe how the character knocked it over. Tipping it over works, or wedging themselves against the wall and the machine and pushing with the legs would also work to IMO. 

[kais]

I don't think you need to remove it, but better describe how the character knocked it over. Tipping it over works, or wedging themselves against the wall and the machine and pushing with the legs would also work to IMO. 

I love the idea of bracing against the wall and pushing with legs. Awesome visual.

[spieles]

I love the idea of bracing against the wall and pushing with legs. Awesome visual.

 

So this would be a pretty BAMF parkour move. It requires the same skills as a horizontal wall climb in terms of strength requirements and then the rest would be incredible pylometric snap and good proprioception to judge the distance between wall and counter, etc. - because for him to actually take out the Rex, it would have to be one quick snap of the arms with the legs tucking in and then...

 

POW

 

*Machine forward*

 

*Rex down.*

 

I will work on writing this.

[rdpulfer]

Slowly catching up.

 

I'm reading this from work, which I feel is the equivalent of a crowded New York subway.

 

- I understand it's supposed to be sudden, but the man with the gun comes in way too soon on the first page. Maybe it's because it is told to us instead of shown. 

 

- I am very curious about the gunman's exchange with Oz's father, as well as the ominous mention of his mother. That got my attention.

 

- Rex seems a little awkward since it's used in plural throughout the section. Maybe Rexes would be better, even if it's not grammatically appropriate. 

 

- Really getting a Shadow Over Innsmouth vibe from the Rex I like it so far.

 

- I think you are skipping over the action beats a bit too much. Don't tell us the diner exploded. Show us it feels and looks.

 

- I like the world you are building. i definitely want to see more of it!

[Mandamon]

I think most everyone else covered what I was going to say, so I'll emphasize the points where you may need more volume of feedback.

 

Action: First off, I really enjoyed this.  I didn't have any problem with the amount of action--it kept my pulse up and kept me reading.  By the time Oz and the Brides plunked down in the train I was ready for a breather, so that worked just fine.

 

Gender: I was also thinking Oz was a girl (especially with the name "Oz" - thinking "Ozma") until you specifically mentioned he was a boy.

 

Soda Machine:  This also threw me out, thinking about weight and leverage.  I think him pushing off the wall would be an awesome way to make this work better.

 

Overall:  I really got a Fallout/Mad Max vibe from the whole thing.  The first action scene felt like I was playing Fallout, and the Brides made me think of Mad Max, though turned on their heads.

 

Keep it up!  I want to read more.

[Robinski]

I don’t mean any offence, but line edits are part of my thing, hopefully only on content, not on style - which is not my place to tread on. Overall comments below.

 

[0]

 

Nice opening, I was certainly engaged. I felt the dream-like quality, not overdone, just right I thought. It sets up questions in my mind like (1) what kind of rift exists between Oz’s mother and father; (2) who is the shooter; (3) what’s special about Oz; (4) what’s up with the shooter smelling people? I am intrigued to read on.

 

[+1]

 

I'm confused by the blocking, is the diner across the road from the courthouse? Seems a bit odd, that such a grand entrance to an important public building would have a diner across from it and relatively close-sounding.

 

I'm kind of dodging about trying to place the Rex. At first, I think they might be aliens, then ‘pods’ like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Then I move on to thinking them zombies, and yet they seem calculating – are they a cult? But what about the face masks?

 

The line about silt is disorienting, it doesn’t seem relevant, and if it is, there’s nothing for me to work on figuring how. Also, I don’t think you need to explain this Rex is not one of the four, I had not notion that it was, I think that explanation is unnecessary.

 

“A meter metre away”

 

Whoa, where did the gate come from? I would have liked more blocking at the start of this scene, I felt like this sprang into being.

 

What act is he putting on? I doesn’t seem like he’s playing dead. Also, how far was that drop. I'm not really convinced by his landing.

 

Because you haven’t set up what the environment is like, the revelation at the end of the chapter had little impact for me.

 

[+2]

 

“but stretched along the sill is my last explosive, left untouched” I don’t follow this line. How can he know this if he can’t see it, or is it outside? How does he know it’s untouched, they could have removed the fuse?

 

“and grip on my mask” His mask was pulled off, how’d it get in his pocket? And what wires is he twisting, are these part of the mask? I don’t understand what the mask is.

 

“The Rex murdered my parents.” Feels like a really familiar motivation.

 

I like the description of the brides. This is my favourite thing so far, and feels on a more engaging level than anything else so far.

 

“my primary mask and my back up backup”

 

“and when she looks back at me”

 

“but by the speed at which she and the other Brides obey, this woman is clearly in charge” – This is really unnecessary. The fact that she gives orders at all is the all the explanation that’s required. Comments like this treat that reader as being dumb.

 

“By the slight jerk of both of her officers’ heads, I’m not sure everyone else knew that my post was their next stop, but then again, the Brides aren’t known for being friendly—and yeah, it’s not like I’m around girls my age much, much less a whole vehicle full of extremely fit women, but it’s pretty clear that Claire already hates me, and I’m not sure the rest of the Brides will be any different, so I shake my head.” – Massive sentence, really awkward.

 

“It’s a skate board that uses the magnite rail” – Really? My interest just dipped significantly, as I realise I'm in another YA dystopia.

 

“but despite her being in her forties (fifties?), it’s solidly light brown without a single strand of grey” – is fifties his thought? What does an 18 year-old know or care about when people get grey hair?

 

“the murder of her husband and son drove her insane with grief” – There it is again.

 

“Claire, the Brides from earlier, reaches over to hand me a fresh mask.” – It’s been like two minutes, and Claire is the first Bride you named, several times. I don’t think anyone will have forgotten her.

 

Better ending to this chapter.

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

I was certainly carried along by the writing, it’s a pacy opening. I'm hoping that things will slow down for a chapter so that we can learn more about the world. The appearance of the Brides was the highlight for me. Before that, I felt things were a bit generic. I must admit I'm still concerned about the dystopian territory we are in here, but my biggest worry is that I fell nothing for the protagonist. He seems like the next in a long line of damaged, humourless avengers fighting against an unstoppable tide of none-more-black evil.

 

The Brides offer a glimmer of hope, as I can’t quite get a handle on them yet, despite their pristine uniforms, there is a great deal of scope for ‘grey’ in the way you’ve set them up, which is excellent.

 

So, I have reservations, but I'm keen to read some more in the hope that the Brides will make Oz more interesting and engaging.

[spieles]

Slowly catching up.

 

I'm reading this from work, which I feel is the equivalent of a crowded New York subway.

 

- I understand it's supposed to be sudden, but the man with the gun comes in way too soon on the first page. Maybe it's because it is told to us instead of shown. 

 

- I am very curious about the gunman's exchange with Oz's father, as well as the ominous mention of his mother. That got my attention.

 

- Rex seems a little awkward since it's used in plural throughout the section. Maybe Rexes would be better, even if it's not grammatically appropriate. 

 

- Really getting a Shadow Over Innsmouth vibe from the Rex I like it so far.

 

- I think you are skipping over the action beats a bit too much. Don't tell us the diner exploded. Show us it feels and looks.

 

- I like the world you are building. i definitely want to see more of it!

 

Thank you for taking the time to read. :)

 

Hah. My job often feels the same.

 

I totally just found The Shadow of Innsmouth - and downloaded it to my phone.

 

Yeah, I definitely struggled over the plural form of the Rex. Going to ponder.

 

And I will work on the action beats. Ugh. Getting the write balance between detail and over-description.

 

Thank you and thank you. 

[spieles]

 

I think most everyone else covered what I was going to say, so I'll emphasize the points where you may need more volume of feedback.

 

Action: First off, I really enjoyed this.  I didn't have any problem with the amount of action--it kept my pulse up and kept me reading.  By the time Oz and the Brides plunked down in the train I was ready for a breather, so that worked just fine.

 

Gender: I was also thinking Oz was a girl (especially with the name "Oz" - thinking "Ozma") until you specifically mentioned he was a boy.

 

Soda Machine:  This also threw me out, thinking about weight and leverage.  I think him pushing off the wall would be an awesome way to make this work better.

 

Overall:  I really got a Fallout/Mad Max vibe from the whole thing.  The first action scene felt like I was playing Fallout, and the Brides made me think of Mad Max, though turned on their heads.

 

Keep it up!  I want to read more.

 

 

Thank you! Your comments are lovely.

 

I have never heard the name Ozma (but I like it), though yeah, I'm adding a "son" into the first line of the father's dialogue so that it's clear it's a boy. And yeah, gotta work on the soda machine manuever.

 

OMG - and I played Fallout 3 like a crazy person sometime around 2003. So, yes. That connection is definitely there.

[spieles]

I don’t mean any offence, but line edits are part of my thing, hopefully only on content, not on style - which is not my place to tread on. Overall comments below.

 

[0]

 

Nice opening, I was certainly engaged. I felt the dream-like quality, not overdone, just right I thought. It sets up questions in my mind like (1) what kind of rift exists between Oz’s mother and father; (2) who is the shooter; (3) what’s special about Oz; (4) what’s up with the shooter smelling people? I am intrigued to read on.

 

[+1]

 

I'm confused by the blocking, is the diner across the road from the courthouse? Seems a bit odd, that such a grand entrance to an important public building would have a diner across from it and relatively close-sounding.

 

I'm kind of dodging about trying to place the Rex. At first, I think they might be aliens, then ‘pods’ like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Then I move on to thinking them zombies, and yet they seem calculating – are they a cult? But what about the face masks?

 

The line about silt is disorienting, it doesn’t seem relevant, and if it is, there’s nothing for me to work on figuring how. Also, I don’t think you need to explain this Rex is not one of the four, I had not notion that it was, I think that explanation is unnecessary.

 

“A meter metre away”

 

Whoa, where did the gate come from? I would have liked more blocking at the start of this scene, I felt like this sprang into being.

 

What act is he putting on? I doesn’t seem like he’s playing dead. Also, how far was that drop. I'm not really convinced by his landing.

 

Because you haven’t set up what the environment is like, the revelation at the end of the chapter had little impact for me.

 

[+2]

 

“but stretched along the sill is my last explosive, left untouched” I don’t follow this line. How can he know this if he can’t see it, or is it outside? How does he know it’s untouched, they could have removed the fuse?

 

“and grip on my mask” His mask was pulled off, how’d it get in his pocket? And what wires is he twisting, are these part of the mask? I don’t understand what the mask is.

 

“The Rex murdered my parents.” Feels like a really familiar motivation.

 

I like the description of the brides. This is my favourite thing so far, and feels on a more engaging level than anything else so far.

 

“my primary mask and my back up backup”

 

“and when she looks back at me”

 

“but by the speed at which she and the other Brides obey, this woman is clearly in charge” – This is really unnecessary. The fact that she gives orders at all is the all the explanation that’s required. Comments like this treat that reader as being dumb.

 

“By the slight jerk of both of her officers’ heads, I’m not sure everyone else knew that my post was their next stop, but then again, the Brides aren’t known for being friendly—and yeah, it’s not like I’m around girls my age much, much less a whole vehicle full of extremely fit women, but it’s pretty clear that Claire already hates me, and I’m not sure the rest of the Brides will be any different, so I shake my head.” – Massive sentence, really awkward.

 

“It’s a skate board that uses the magnite rail” – Really? My interest just dipped significantly, as I realise I'm in another YA dystopia.

 

“but despite her being in her forties (fifties?), it’s solidly light brown without a single strand of grey” – is fifties his thought? What does an 18 year-old know or care about when people get grey hair?

 

“the murder of her husband and son drove her insane with grief” – There it is again.

 

“Claire, the Brides from earlier, reaches over to hand me a fresh mask.” – It’s been like two minutes, and Claire is the first Bride you named, several times. I don’t think anyone will have forgotten her.

 

Better ending to this chapter.

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

I was certainly carried along by the writing, it’s a pacy opening. I'm hoping that things will slow down for a chapter so that we can learn more about the world. The appearance of the Brides was the highlight for me. Before that, I felt things were a bit generic. I must admit I'm still concerned about the dystopian territory we are in here, but my biggest worry is that I fell nothing for the protagonist. He seems like the next in a long line of damaged, humourless avengers fighting against an unstoppable tide of none-more-black evil.

 

The Brides offer a glimmer of hope, as I can’t quite get a handle on them yet, despite their pristine uniforms, there is a great deal of scope for ‘grey’ in the way you’ve set them up, which is excellent.

 

So, I have reservations, but I'm keen to read some more in the hope that the Brides will make Oz more interesting and engaging.

 

I love line edits! (Less guesswork for me, lol) Thank you for reading and taking the time for comments.

 

I think you've hit the nose on the head that dystopian fatigue is one of the biggest obstacles to this novel. I feel like with Red Rising being so popular - there's still room in the market for really hard hitting stories - but there's less room for mediocrity because readers have already been there, seen that, and do not need a retelling.

 

That's one of my biggest hangups with the blocking in chapter one, actually. Because I feel like readers could give a hoot about more dilapidated buildings and empty streets - I feel like every time I add in more spatial awareness it gets cut. This might be a sign I just need to be more creative....

 

The landing is just over 20 feet with the slant of the dirt - which there are videos on the internet of people doing. (I'm slightly parkour obsessed) However, that takes a lot of training, and the fact that Oz would be landing on earth and not concrete is a big deal.

 

Gotta clarify the line with the fuse. Easiest to just say the fuse is intact.

 

Good call on the orders giving. 

 

I took out a line describing these new-fangled oxygen mask. I think I need to put it back in...

 

Yeah, I already cut that massive, awkward sentence. 

 

I should probably just say she's middle aged, huh?

 

And the line by lines are invaluable - thank you and thank you.

[Robinski]

I love line edits! (Less guesswork for me, lol) - Lol, to quote Bogey, 'I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.'

 

I should probably just say she's middle aged, huh? - I'm going to disagree - I think that's kind of pat shorthand and dismisses people of a certain age from being alluring, fascinating, and a whole host of other things. I think your description could be tweaked slightly, but I like what you're trying with it.

 

And the line by lines are invaluable - thank you and thank you. - You're going to regret you said, that. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon...

Edited April 15, 2016 by Robinski

[spieles]

 

And the line by lines are invaluable - thank you and thank you. - You're going to regret you said, that. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon...

 

Hah. My in-person critique group is full of copy editors.. Whatever you guys miss they will pluck out one by one and wiggle in my face. 

 

Lovely people, though.

[Robinski]

Sounds like you've got a nasty infestation there

 

(Jokes, JOKES!!!!)

Edited April 15, 2016 by Robinski