4/11/16 - Eisenheim - Invitations - 1875 words

[Eisenheim]

Hi all, this is a short, humor piece I'm putting together for the Unidentified Funny Object anthology. Biggest question is whether it works well as pure dialog or I should add description between the lines. Also, of course, whether the jokes work. 

 

Enjoy.

[ecohansen]

Overall, it worked well.  I enjoyed it as pure dialogue, and wouldn't change it.  You differentiated the voices very well, and I was never in any doubt about who was speaking.

 

I really enjoyed the line "His wife is a siren.  She will require a sign language interpreter."

 

One problem with the plot overall: if the house already has (and presumably uses) a silver service for 200, wouldn't they be used to dealing with these sorts of problems?

 

Line quibbles:

"four hundred years ago, that was the Drovian Marches, and Windshadow was the duke of it.."  Consider Lord  Windshadow.  I left the story for fifteen seconds, thinking: "well, if it was that long ago, it can't be this Windshadow, so it must be House Windshadow that held the hereditary title."  And then, a couple lines later, I learn that it actually was this Windshadow.  adding a "lord" up front would help prevent the confusion.

 

"The quicksand"  A bit unclear what was going on here.  Was the gardener repairing the quicksand to make it quicksand-ier, so that it could once again properly put guests' feet wrong?

 

"Have Geoffrey do it.  We'll get some use out of that centaur's absurd tuition fees, and it will keep him away from the bar and the girls."  Since centaurs are known for both tutelage and carousing and libido, I assumed that Geoffrey was "that centaur."  Since this came immediately after the siren sign-language joke, I assumed that this was another joke along the same lines.  When it became clear that Geoffrey was the son rather than the centaur, the joke disappeared, and I was sad.  If it was a meta-joke intended to point out that the son was even more drunken and libidinous than a centaur, I didn't catch it at first, so it could use some polishing.

 

Gnargle or Gnarlge? You use both spellings.

 

Vampire dining-ware:  You suggest pewter and horn-and-ivory.  Pewter often contains silver, and "horn"  seems uncomfortably stake-like.  Either play this up to emphasize the difficulty of the problem, or use even more innocuous materials--maybe tin and ceramic.

 

'Cathyan' food--I'm not sure if this was a typo or intentional, but I'd either go fully familiar or fully exotic, instead of just removing one letter: either "Cathayan food" or "Xi'aung food".

[spieles]

General comments –

 

You have lovely writing with solid world building and vivid detail. I don’t see a need to move it away from straight dialogue. As far as the humor, I didn’t really catch any jokes so much as perceive the dialogue as an amusing review of the problems of excessive etiquette. I do think, though, that both Comstock and the Madam are “straight” characters – both being perfectly reasonable – and this is hindering the comedic potential of the story.

 

To really up the humor. I think you might consider having the Madam be more outlandish. By the end of the story she has given up on this ideal of the perfect party, so it would heighten the setup you’ve got going by having the Madam emphasize this is going to be the party of the year. It will be glamorous and perfect and everyone will walk away feeling transcendent simply for having attended. That way, when we get to the end – her final “F this” is hilariously well earned.

 

My line by line comments:

 

“Honestly Comstock, I told you already: do everything just by the book, you know that big one with all the gold leaf: Digeste of Heralderie. The regent is an absolute bear for etiquette. It’s only a half moon, so he won’t actually be a bear for the party, thank Pan.”

 

I definitely get a sense of the madam's speech patterns, but this was a lot for the first response and felt info dumpy in a way. Maybe pare down the inessential details?

 

 

“Well, I have tried to follow the Digeste, but there is a problem. The banquet is for lord Windshadow’s new grant, as marquis of Frostlake.” 

 

That there is a problem is implied. And now I want to know who this Frostlake fellow is.

 

 

“It would be something of an insult to seat lord Windshadow as a marquis, madam. He is a duke, after all.”

 

Wait I'm confused - is he a duke of this little nowhere landholding in addition to being a marquis? Maybe a little line edit like "He is also a duke."

 

 

I would cut these lines - they don't add much and we have inferred from above that a duke is a higher rank than marquis:

 

“What do you mean? Bardovia’s ancient. The Romeliofs just celebrated three hundred years of rule last spring.”

 

“Well, four hundred years ago, that was the Drovian Marches, and Windshadow was the duke of it. It seems like an insult to sit him so far below his rank.”

 

 

This feels like a misuse of incognito. Because he's not so much operating with a concealed identity as he is just not mentioning it? I might just cut the line.

 

"It’s as if he were incognito."

 

 

Cut this:

 

“Alright, Comstock, don’t beat about the bush. You clearly can’t manage this party without me, and after you scoffed so about the suggestion a feminine touch was needed, too. What else is wrong?”

 

Get right to the explanation about the invitations.
 

 

I am confused on how the invitations would make them comfortable? I think you mean “to avoid insult.”

 

and you did say especially that we must have them, to make him comfortable.”

 

Hrm. So far I’m not seeing a real emergence of a humor pattern in characterization. I would expect the Madam to be outlandish and the servant to be deadpan. You have a little of that in here, e.g. “Clawed by an eagle, Madam.” But so far, I think you could up the ante.

 

Try and avoid these What’s the problem?/What’s wrong dialogue patterns:

 

“One more, madam. Count Alixov of Tramenia arrived this month, and I’m afraid that will complicate things.”

“What’s wrong with him?”

 

The “What’s wrong with him?” is very clear – but it slows down the punchline rather than setting it up. Better to have something like:

 

“One more, madam. Count Alixov of Tramenia arrived this month, and I’m afraid that we can’t use the silver.”

“Oh, not a werewolf/vampire.”

 

I’m tempted to suggest that you end it at the Madam saying “F it Comstock,” and his “Yes, Madam, reply, but I think you have something to work with in the final line with the finger foods and word of mouth. I like those details. Just at the moment I think that is just a tad too unwieldy after the wonderful punch from the previous lines.

 

 

Perhaps, switch the order here. Have her be like FINE. FINGER FOODS AND THE TOWN CRIER CAN JUST HOLLER THE REST.

And then let Comstock have one final rejoinder – "The town crier is a banshee, the selkies will not stand--" “F it, Comstock.” And then end the piece just as we started with your beautiful line, “Yes, Madam.”

Edited April 11, 2016 by spieles

[king007]

I enjoyed reading this. It was quite amusing. I didn't catch the jokes -if there were any- but I liked the dialogue and how they faced these weird problems. I also enjoyed the details and world building. It was refreshing. Keep the pure dialogue form. I think it works better this way.

[Mandamon]

I also thought pure dialogue was not a problems.  There was enough description in the list of problems that I could imagine the house and surroundings.

 

I noticed several "well", "alright", and other unnecessary words that bogged down the conversation.

 

I thought this was funny, with good wordplay, but it almost seemed a little forced--trying to come up with as many problems as possible.  After a while, it starts to feel long, as if the joke is overplayed.  I didn't get the feeling by the end that the madam was so frustrated she would scrap the whole party, so the ending came off a little abrupt to me.

 

You could probably cut a few hundred words here and there and make it a lot snappier.

[Asmodemon]

I agree with what the others have already said, a very enjoyable read and funny too. I didn’t miss dialogue attributions or descriptions at all, the dialogue itself took care of that. The two voices are also distinct enough that I was never confused on who was speaking.

 

The one confusing bit was with Geoffrey the son and/or centaur? I’m reasonably sure now that Geoffrey is not the centaur, but that took a bit of puzzling.

 

Like Mandamon I also thought the ending was a little abrupt, especially since they’d just resolved all the previous issues and I didn’t get the feeling the madam was really that annoyed with it all.

[Eisenheim]

Thanks all for the thoughts. I'll try to un-confuse the centaur issue.

 

Ecohansen, I was intending for the ambassador to read as a were-wolf, hence silver vulnerability, I think of pewter as primarily tin and lead. I used Cathyan because I thought it bolstered the overall send-up of poorly done fantasy kitchen sink settings.

 

Spieles, we usually don't do line edits like that, unless someone specifically requests it. Some people are kind enough to provide grammar/punctuation/typo notes, but that's different. I would appreciate you not giving me prescriptive edits like that unless I ask for them.

[kais]

As I go thoughts:

 

- There are a lot of 'well's around. Possibly dialogue intentional?

 

- HAHAHAHA 'wrong foot', quicksand.... much amusement

 

- The eagle at Barrowton has rank? Interesting.

 

- I feel like I missed something with the unicorn. Some joke I should have gotten...

 

- Hehehe on the siren and sign language

 

- Silver disability - I assume werwolf? vampire?

 

 

Pure Dialogue

I think it is fine as pure dialogue. Since they aren't moving and are just going back and forth, I had no issue following. Enough context clues sprang up, as well, that I did get a feel for the characters along the way.

 

Jokes

I think I got some of them, but I think I missed a lot. A lot are pun based, yes? I think I'm missing references for some. I got the foot and quicksand one. That counts for something, right? I get a cookie?

 

Ending

Like others, I also found the ending abrupt. If you have a word limit, there is some wandering in the dialogue that could be cut, and the words used in the ending. The woman reaches absolute exasperation so quickly there, that I think escalating her frustration either just before, or slowly through the piece, would help the end sit better.

 

Length

It got draggy in places, but was unique enough that I stayed interested. A suggestion would be to focus on one or two items that need the attention of the characters, and work more detailed in those areas.

 

 

An enjoyable read! Thank you for sharing!

[spieles]

Oh my dear - I'm sorry. I meant line edits (cuts, really) as a compliment - I generally don't think most stories are ready for them, but I thought yours was. They take a lot more time so I'll refrain in the future. /hugs

[krystalynn03]

The premise of this lovely. The idea of people trying to cope with all the idiosyncrasies that would come with living in a world full of fantastic creatures is treasure trove of generally unexploited material.

 

I really like the interpreter for the siren and the whole debacle of getting a service that would offend a vampire with silver. That was brilliant. The unicorn on the road being a problem for folks threw me a bit, so I must have missed detail or lack some kind of background knowledge to catch that joke. The bit about the elves and their long histories causing insanely cumbersome titles was also a brilliant stroke.

 

As far as dialogue tags go, I think I would have felt more comfortable without them if there were a little something more at the very beginning just to suggest the two character's relationship better--something to ground me in the identity's faster than figuring it out as I go.

 

Reading the whole thing in dialogue made me feel like I was listening to Monty Python Flying Circus skit with the man looking for cheese but the clerk saying they haven't gotten for various reasons as the customer names a hundred of them and then ends with a bang. literally when Cleese pops the clerk with a gun. That how I felt your F-bomb falls at the end, but the punchline felt more abrupt than funny because every challenge in the narrative has changed rather than being a constant. I think others on the forum have already suggested some ideas about that, so I'm sure you'll take that up a notch and it'll end great.

 

Thanks for sharing!

[ecohansen]

Kaisa and Krystalynn, erm, the stuff with the unicorn that you are having trouble with is, ah, (blush) sex stuff.  Unicorns can only be approached by virgins--what happens to nonvirgins is disputed, but it's clear that the two speakers need to find a virgin to get past the unicorn.  That section worked fairly well for me when I was reading it, but it might have just been my dirty mind

[kais]

Kaisa and Krystalynn, erm, the stuff with the unicorn that you are having trouble with is, ah, (blush) sex stuff.  Unicorns can only be approached by virgins--what happens to nonvirgins is disputed, but it's clear that the two speakers need to find a virgin to get past the unicorn.  That section worked fairly well for me when I was reading it, but it might have just been my dirty mind

Ah hah! See, I know this virgin stuff, but my mind first went to traditional tales where virgin is seen more as just a young woman or girl. Maybe drop a line somewhere that uses the word 'experienced' (maybe its already there?), and put it in quotes so it forces the reader to notice?

[king007]

Maybe drop a line somewhere that uses the word 'experienced' (maybe its already there?), and put it in quotes so it forces the reader to notice?

 

haha that would be so funny

[Eisenheim]

Monty python definitely an influence.

 

I think right now the changes I'm aiming for are resolving confusion about the centaur and a few other points, not solving the issues that lead to the final giving up, and making sure the lady's annoyance trends steadily up to match.

 

Is there anything else people want to say is seriously needed, or particular points of confusion to flag, ones that harmed your enjoyment?

[rdpulfer]

I'm slowly catching up!

 

- I like the line about the regent being a bear. I'd have to seen a lot more details about what happens when one of the guests turns into a bear on a half-moon.

 

- I'm a little worried the humor and wonder of this piece is a bit too understated, especially if you are going for a Monty Python-esque tone. Not much of the first few pages caught my eye until we get to the bit about what rats can carry and what doves can carry.

 

- I've never heard squirrels as being described as admirable, and i love it.

 

- I love the last line.

 

- Overall, I think it's a great piece. I just think the fantasy elements need to be brought up sooner, to keep the reader interested. 

[Robinski]

I'm even slower catching up!! Thanks for sharing this.

 

The first time I laughed (slightly) was at “What about a larger bird?”

 

Confirming the tenancy of the squirrels made me smile.

 

For the most part though, I have to say this left me pretty much cold. In humour, like anything else, I feel you have to care about the characters and the outcome, and I did not. I thought it felt like a situation manufactured specifically for the purposes of humour, and therefore rather awkward and uninvolving.

 

There were some nice lines, and I smiled several times, but I wanted and expected to laugh.

 

Not an easy thing, humour, and very particular. I’m sure you’ll get good comments from some on here, it’s certainly well written.

 

Good luck!