Reading Excusses- Selected content form 'Project V' -march 14th-ethanbassett

[EthanBassett]

Hey! Sorry for the atypical request. Thanks to anyone who give me input. All advice is useful and wanted.

[Robinski]

Hey Ethan, welcome to Reading Excuses. Straight away, I am indebted to you. As a lover of words, I had never heard ‘exurb’ before – a new word for me, excellent! However, I wonder if it is what you intended, or if you know of another definition. Online Merriam-Webster has it as “a region or settlement that lies outside a city and usually beyond its suburbs and that often is inhabited chiefly by well-to-do families”. Anywho, that’s not why we’re here – on to your submission. I’ve dropped a few line comments before finishing with my overall impressions.

 

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First section:

 

“scale models of contractions” – Did you mean contraptions?

 

The punctuation of the list is rather strange, does not lend itself to smooth reading. In general, I think the language could be tidied up for readability.

 

“the Castle of the Delectus who’s the tallest towers of which trumped any other...”

 

“half-drawn inventions”, “gear-based contraptions” and “mile-high walls” – I'm interested in anyone’s opinion on this, but I'm noticing it a lot in the last few submission, a lack of hyphenation of adjectival phrases like these.

 

You’ll gather by now that I find it impossible not to comment at a line level. I hope that’s okay. I know that all this stuff can be polished out down the road, but I think anything that affects readability is fair game, especially if it’s a recurring issue.

 

Wow, walls several miles high!! I'm a civil engineer, so immediately I'm asking myself, ‘Is this Earth?’, even if it’s not, the technology involved in building those is mind boggling and their structure starts to suggests to me alien technology or magic.

 

This last line of this section is a nice hook. I know something about Victor from the trappings in his room, and a little about this character/temperament, but not a lot yet. I'm interested to learn more at this point, in part because it sounds like he’s something of an engineer, so I can identify with him straight away. You might think I'm a niche, but you’ll find at least one more ‘Eng’ on here 

 

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Second section:

 

“contraptions” – This word is coming up a lot. I appreciate that these section do not necessarily sit together, but I think it appeared (subject to my comment about ‘contractions’) twice in the first section.

 

“with large blades and moving parts” – I think if you’re coming from a technical perspective for Victor’s character, you should consider using more technical language than this. Your readership in this genre is likely to contain a disproportionate number of scientists, engineers and other technically educated people, if you’re going for a steampunk or gearpunk-type setting, you will need the technical language to be convincing.

 

“where Anna had began begun her effort to organize”

 

“beam of light shined shone through”

 

I don’t quite follow the blocking you’re describing with the wall and the hole, etc.

 

“without the visuals” – This is a very modern phrase, it makes me think of Powerpoint. I could not help feeling that it was out of place.

 

“passing street side cafes and shops selling various wares” – What else would shops sell? This seems redundant.

 

“A black coach with two white horses came up the street with two white horses” – Otherwise it sounds like the street has two white horses.

 

“each one enjoying the weather” – Given the playful banter, I find it hard to believe that either of them is thinking about the weather.

 

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Well, over all impressions. I like the idea, Anna seems like an engaging character, confident, outgoing. Victor we seem to know less about, but I can see that he has big ideas. I am interested in reading more. The writing could do with some tidying up. It’s hard to see past obvious typos and phrasing that could be improved by a grammar edit, but don't get hung up on that, all that stuff can be fixed. Also, it’s rather disjointed not reading in sequence. Either a piece standards up on its own or not, but you’ll get constructive comments here either way, so I would dive in a make a more comprehensive submission, so that we can see the whole picture.

 

Thanks for sharing!

Edited March 15, 2016 by Robinski

[kais]

The first paragraph has a lot of telling and not so much showing. Could you tweak it so that Victor is surveying his room, instead of the narrator just telling us what is in it?

 

The second paragraph dumps a lot right at the end. As a reader, I want expansion. It also brings a lot of questions to my mind immediately. A million years ago? They must have amazing record keeping. Wouldn't such a leader have been transformed through folk tale into something more like a god over that time (Gilgamesh-ed, so to speak)? What's the deal with the dangerous world? What danger?

 

First paragraph second page - I'm getting muddled in the description and having a hard time picturing whatever it is you are describing. A lot of references to lights, seemingly natural and synthetic light? I can't tell.

 

I dislike the last blurb. The writing is clear and the scene is fine, but I don't like the interactions between Anna and Victor. It is very stereotypical 'book smart girl, street smart (or mechanically smart or hands on smart) boy. I think these tropes are very overdone, and I find their assumptions borderline offensive. Why not mix it up? Switch them around, or broaden out their skill sets (maybe Anna is book smart AND really good with machines? Maybe Victor is whatever-smart AND good with languages?). 

 

The writing is solid enough that I didn't feel jarred just reading these excerpts, which is great! Some tightening of the narrative and thoughts on characters could make these even better.

[Mandamon]

Welcome to reading excuses!  I'm the "at least one more Eng" Robinski is referring to, and as such, our comments tend along the same line...

 

Notes:

1st excerpt:

"scale models of contractions"

--Constructions?  contraptions?

 

"Victor noticed none of these things."

--yet you just spent a paragraph describing them and we're in Victor's POV...

 

"They were completely smooth and extended several miles above the city streets."

--that's a really big wall.  Probably took ages to build.

 

"a million years ago"

--that's a really long time ago...

 

"Victor wasn't so sure. He had found a way through the walls."

--So then he should know what's on the other side?  But you say above this that no one knows what's on the other side.

 

I don't really have enough context to know about Victor just from this snippet, but the world seems interesting so far.  He's obviously interested in technical things.

 

 

2nd excerpt:

"dark albeit some natural light"

--albeit *with* some?

 

"blueprints and various contraptions"

--this phrase has occured several times already...

 

"Most boxes were covered with a thick layer of dust Victor had scavenged "

--probably need a period here

 

This is pretty much just the description of a room.  I don't have a good idea of character or place.  I feel like I need more context to give any meaningful reaction.

 

 

3rd excerpt:

"this solution of yours” Anna had let her"

--missing punctuation

 

"than is was "

--than it had been

 

"Oh don’t you pretend you’re any smarter than I am we both know I have better marks.”

--this should be two sentences.

 

"you just smart "

--you're 

 

Again, not too much to go on.  Victor and Anna have a good relationship, but from what I've read it could be brother and sister, uncle and niece, boyfriend and girlfriend, or husband and wife.  I'm not sure whether they are equals, bantering, or whether their conversation is more serious because one is more accomplished than the other.

 

 

I liked the first excerpt best out of the three, mainly for all the engineering parts.  I can probably give you a lot more feedback from reading the whole first chapter.

[rdpulfer]

First Paragraph

 

-- Good description, but I can't help but feel it buries the lead somewhere. I think the revelation that no one has been on the other side of the walls, and that Victor might have a way through, stands out as the most intriguing of the passage.

 

Second Paragraph

 

-- Gives a very vivid description of how the room is set up. This is really good for blocking (something I can definitely appreciate the value of). Otherwise, it doesn't do much in terms of moving the story forward.

 

Third Paragraph

 

-- A little confused at the start of the paragraph, which mentioned Anna letting down her ponytail from where Victor had it. Did Victor do her hair? The conversation also felt like it needed to be expanded. It felt like they were trying to jest with one another, while also discuss the nature of intelligence, and it didn't really work for me. I also didn't like Anna saying Victor is smart in his own way. It felt forced. I think if you want this to be a statement that grades don't count for everything, it needs to be said in a different way - possibly not from something close to him.