Reading Excuses - 03/10/16 - Majestic Fox - The Green Ocean - Chapter One, Part 1 (2nd Draft) - 1913 Words

[Majestic Fox]

First part of chapter one.

 

Any feedback welcome.

 

Thanks!

[Eisenheim]

I don't really understand this.  Clearly, it's just the first part and we'll get more as the chapter goes on, but right now it feels like Willow is a stranger to the village, seeing everything for the first or second time, but she's grown up there, so that doesn't make sense.  I think your highlighting things you want the reader to see, not what your POV character would notice and focus on.

[rdpulfer]

- I agree with Mandamon. It seems out some people react to her with suspicion and hostility, especially if she's grown up there her whole life. 

 

- I really like the tension of the beginning, especially as Willow stares at the footprint. 

 

- Again, the mistrust everyone feels for the title character is a little out of the blue. Clearly there's a reason for it, but it feels more out of place rather than suspicious. 

[EthanBassett]

It is very important for you characters to have an objective or a goal right off the bat to catch the reader's interest. When I read the first few paragraphs as a reader I am experiencing a new world and when you introduce a 'footprint big enough to bath in' the first thing I think is holy crap run and tell someone. The fact that that Willow doesn't seem to urgent to do anything about the footprint tells me that either the giants are not that big of a problem or that Willow is not an active character. I don't believe you want either of these things to be true.

 

The other thing that, as a reader, is strange to experience, is Willows discretion of her metamorphosis. This is not necessarily a bad thing just something to be aware of as you continue. The metamorphosis does a great job at letting the readers know Willow is different and it also makes me want to know more which is good. Just make sure you are aware of how you handle it and make contuse discussions.

 

I also would like to see more description of the Starfall.  The world is very interesting.

 

I don't think the villagers not liking Willow is as big of a problem because she came from the forest and obviously bad things come from the forest.

 

Over all your writing is very mature and you're great at voice. Particularly the part when they run into Joshua. In one line of dialogue you are able to convey that entire character and it's amazing. Voice is something that many people, including myself, fail to understand but you do it wonderfully.  

 

[Mandamon]

- I agree with Mandamon. 

I'm just that good: people agree with me before I've even said anything! ;-)

 

 

As usual, the writing is very fluid and easy to read.  The descriptions here are a lot more vivid than I remember, and I can see the forest and the village clearly.  I also like the new imagery of the giants.  I don't think that was in the first draft.  That gives a lot more menace to them early on.

 

 

I think I'm biased from the reading the first version of this, where there was more introduction to Willow.  I didn't have a problem as I was reading, but looking at the other comments, I do agree that the intro to this world is pretty abrupt.  That said, my own learning curves are pretty high, so I'm willing to overlook it a little.  

 

On the "metamorphosis," the first time it's mentioned it sounds like just a feeling.  The second time, farther down the page there is a time period for the metamorphosis and it seems like something actually happening to her body.  The way it's written, Willow seems to be saying two different things.

 

pg 3: "But she was a woman now"

--I'm not certain of Willow'a age.  This makes it sound like she's late teens, but at the beginning I was thinking 12-13.  Maybe I'm remembering something from the first version and it's shading my perceptions.

 

From your intro above it seems this is the first part of the first chapter.  If it isn't, then it sort of trails off, and doesn't really leave us with a good hook to keep reading.

[Mr. Wednesday]

-I love the beginning of this chapter. The giant’s footprint is a really strong visual hook into the story, and I like how you personify it and say that it feels as if it might vanish into the trees. It really establishes tension. I also like how it establishes character conflict right off the bat, with Willow knowing what she should do and deliberately doing the opposite. 

 

-The line “The thought of an enraged giant bursting through the trees seemed completely at odds with the peaceful late morning atmosphere” feels slightly spoon-fed. I think you can establish that contrast without coming right out and saying it.

 

-Saying that it felt like she was dipping her hand into another world seems a little too abstract compared to the concrete sensory description leading up to it. What exactly makes it feel like she’s dipping her hand into another world? It’s a cool idea, it just jumps out as being very abstract compared to everything else.

 

-“A fresh cascade of shivers washed over Willow’s skin” This line feels too similar to the opening line of the chapter. The verb is different (“rippled” vs. “washed”) but repeating “shivers” and “over Willow’s skin” still draws attention to itself.

 

-The use of the phrase “God willing” has a lot of implications about her culture and religion, and I’m not exactly sure what to take from it. It seems like the time period is medieval or perhaps earlier, with use of spears and bows and the mention of “elders” giving it an almost tribal feel, and there is definitely an element of mysticism. “God” (with a capital G), however, implies that they are possibly Judeo-Christians, which seems like it comes with a lot of historical implications. If that’s not your intention, and this is actually a fictional religion, then you may want to use a name other than “God”. Either way, their religion seems like it would play an important role if it has seeped into their everyday vernacular, and I think you need to clarify whether or not it’s a fictional religion or a historically accurate one.

 

-“The slope leveled out into a wide wield of wheat and barley, dotted and there with dark green Barrows…” This sentence has some typos. Should “wield” be “field”? Also, I think it should say “dotted here and there”. Easy thing to catch on a second pass, but I thought I’d just point it out.

 

-Like some of the others, I have a problem with the introduction of Willow’s metamorphosis. It muddies the character viewpoint, when it should be doing just the opposite. When you first mention it, you say “as if her body were undergoing some slight metamorphosis”, and later establish that her body does in fact undergo a metamorphosis. Is this something that has always happened to her? It kind of seems like that would be the case, considering that she is obviously different from the others and yet has spent her entire life in the village. So if this is something she knows about herself, regardless of whether or not she really understands what it means, then it is something she should expect and possibly even have a name for. We as the reader should understand right off the bat that this is something very real that happens to her, and not just a vague feeling.

 

-“In an hour or so her body would have undergone the subtle metamorphosis…” I think it should be “would undergo” instead of “would have undergone”. The latter implies that something has interrupted it or prevented it from happening.

 

-“…a pair of old women who smiled at Willow as she passed, one of whom smiled at Willow while she passed, while the other threw her a look of faint mistrust.” Do they both smile, or does one smile and one scowl? I think the first phrase is in there by mistake.

 

-I really like that Willow has a difficulty with written language. Whether or not this proves to be a major part of the story, it’s a nice weakness that sets her character apart even further and acts as a barrier between her and something that her culture deems important.

 

-As soon as she enters the village, we lose the sense of urgency concerning the footprint. It’s understandable that she’d be distracted, but it makes us question how important it actually is. I think one line of narration about Willow remembering the footprint or thinking about how she has to find Myra would keep it at the forefront.

 

-Overall I’m getting a strong sense of character and conflict from this excerpt. The problem areas seem to be mostly with the world building. The writing is very strong, though, and the voice is definitely there. The imagery is very strong as well, and I especially like the addition of the Barrows. I’ve really enjoyed this story since its first draft. Nice job!

[Robinski]

It’s nice to be back in this world but, to be honest I would like to have kept reading last time, when I was immersed and had real momentum. Anywho, I'm hoping that we’ll get to read further than before, preferably to the end!

 

I quickly became comfortable in Willow’s presence again. She’s a character that’s easy to like, I think. Probably because she is the underdog (it seems), with most of the village against her. I feel that you have cut down the number of characters / names flying around in the first section, which is good. I did not go back to me previous notes, but I clearly remember that one issue in particular. I also like that we get back to the village quickly so we can start learning about the environment. I think the setting for Willow’s sections is engaging (but no more so than the other POV because of the contrast).

 

I easily could have read a longer submission, I'm certainly comfortable in the world and look forwards to reading on. My only observation about style, which is generally easy to read, is a tendency towards wordiness that is a bit distracting. It’s a bit of a hobbyhorse of mine at the moment, flow of narrative and cutting our extraneous words to keep the story moving forward at a good pace. I don’t think this is the same saw omitting description, just being more efficient.

 

Very glad to have you back Mr. Fox!! More please.

 

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“Willow span, her stomach lurching in her chest” – the stomach is not in the chest. I know what you mean, but...

 

“Lusera had not appeared to notice it” – appeared not to have noticed it, I think.

 

“As if to emphasise her point, she tapped the butt of her spear against a Barrow” – to me, the presence of these barrows is just as significant as the footprint, and yet Willow was completely unaware of them (certainly didn’t describe them to us in her impressions of the area).

 

“You weren’t supposed to touch the Barrows” – technically, ‘One wasn’t supposed to...’ I felt the phrasing was awkward for this reason.

 

“she would probably have been left to die alone”

 

I find some of the sentences rather ‘over-written’. E.g. “Lusera tilted her spear in response as the man Willow recognised as Joshua came lumbering over” – The extra words add nothing to the sentences (imho), other than to slow down the narrative.

 

“The wall itself stretched from one cliff side to the other, enclosing the village in the space behind.” – Where else would it be enclosed?

 

“Through the gap, figures could be glimpsed” – I would have though the priority in building the wall would be to complete the enclosure, and then develop the height. This sounds as if there is no date to allow them to secure the village and at least have a wall to defence, even if it was not as tall as they might like. Seems like a crazy strategy, OR it’s not a break in the wall, but on open gate? I thought in the last version the wall was defensible?

 

“Slowing her pace, Willow pulled in a draught of fresh, resin-spiced air, savouring her last few moments of being outside with the Green Ocean stretching out before her” – couple of points on this sentence, for me.

 

(1) – I always feel that using the word ‘pace’ conveys a person travelling quickly, which Willow is not, I think, to begin with, compared with, say ‘slowed her steps’, which I think allows for her strolling in the first place, before slowing yet further.

 

(2) – I think her being outside is self-evident and could be dropped; the reader can imply that easily enough.

 

(3) – At this point, I'm not 100% on what the Green Ocean is. I thought it was the forest, but is it the grass plains? Okay, it’s answered by the line about the vast forest, but I think it could be clarified earlier in the story. Also, I'm not 100% sure how far away the forest is, and it’s below the village, which is upslope?

 

“She lifted her chin and sniffed at the sun-warmed breeze.” – I’ve seen quite a lot of this recently, and someone will correct me if I'm wrong, but I think an adjectively phrase like this should be hyphenated.

 

“the torrent of noise and smells and human emotions” – Gah, I'm in hyper-pedant mode this morning. The thing that tripped me here was noise being singular (or rather collective), but the other two items in the list being plural. It sounded add to me when all could have been collective quite easily.

 

“Gruff shouts and hearty laughter mixed with the shrill cry of a child as pungent odours wafted out of a nearby window - blood pudding and roasted caraway seeds - the tang of iron blending with the sweet smell of fruit leather being hung out to dry by a pair of old women who smiled at Willow as she passed, one of whom smiled at Willow as she passed, while the other threw her a look of faint mistrust.” – Huge sentence, I almost passed out halfway through             (also, spelling of caraway)

 

The repetition of metamorphosis is... repetitive!!

 

“She turned to the familiar voice to find her friend Lywen waving at her” – If the voice is familiar, it seems odd that she ‘finds’ her friend Lywen. She must know who it is straight away from the voice.

 

“seemingly unrestricted by her thick, white linen robe” – If Lywen us unrestricted, why mention it at all? The lack of restriction is a non-thing, it does not seem worthy of mention. You could just as easily find another way to mention the robe.

 

“her bright-eyed friend”

 

“Willow watched her friend hurry into the temple” - ?

 

“Lywen was one of the few people who made no attempt to conceal her affection for Willow, but if she was chosen to become a Guardian then their friendship would likely be eroded by the sheer amount time Lywen would need to devote to her training” – long, awkward sentence.

 

“Becoming a guardian of the village was a dream they had shared as girls” – There’s inconsistency of capitalisation of this word. I would be wary of over-capitalising. Caps for every single term with the slightest becomes tiresome, I think.

 

“She had tried her best to keep up with Lywen, but the truth was that Willow struggled with any kind of written language (writing), and when it became apparent that this was a weakness few shared, a new layer of anxiety enshrouded itself around her efforts to understand the written word” – another unwieldy sentence. You tend to use these self-evident phrases quite often.

 

“a kind of invisible shroud you could escape into” – I considered this again after my comment on the previous instance. Technically, it’s ‘one could’, but I can see how it could be read as Willow’s voice. It just tripped me up, but maybe it’s just me.

 

“Willow stepped into the dark, low ceilinged kitchen where a fire guttered in the hearth, spitting embers onto the OR a cold stone floor.”

 

“The air was heavy with the smell (OR just ‘smells’) of dried herbs”

[Robinski]

Wye-aye, Mr. Fox - I've just noticed you're a geordie!

 

Anyway, I see there are several comments about the rationale for Willow being something of a pariah in the village. My tuppence is that you've done enough to foreshadow that by explaining that she is a foundling, and found at the edge of the forest, no less. You've already set the forest up as being, if not bad, then certainly dangerous, so I have no problem in accepting the mistrust of many people in the village.

 

This said, I may be influenced by the 7 or 8 chapters that I've read previously.

 

In summary, it's fine by me.

[Majestic Fox]

Enlightening.

 

That's some high quality feedback.

 

Thanks people.