Kammererite_The Phoenix Shaman Sub 1- 02-22-16 V,L,D

[Kammererite]

The beginning of a Parka and Potions Novella/ frame up novel..something.

 

All Feed back is welcome however;  I you can answer this i question as well i would be much obliged:

 

Is the second  scene interesting enough to keep you reading?

 

Thanks in advance

 

 

[rdpulfer]

- First off, I like the second person, especially in the middle of a battle scene.

 

- "The enemy rearguard stands firm as twenty war sleighs, pulled by massive wolfish dogs descends upon them." You'll want to correct this typo - otherwise the reader will be confused by the POV.

 

- Nice to see Kang again.

 

- Not much happens in the second scene, but I am interested, though it's mostly to see what happens with Kang and company more than any major plot developments 

[Robinski]

Various typos and grammar blips, but I haven’t flagged (many of) them as you’ve said it’s a first draft. Overall, I was a bit unsure about Kang’s age at this point, and the girl seemed to act in a childish way, making me doubt her age.

 

I’m a bit curious about what might occur at the ball, but not especially engaged by the characters so far. They lack depth at this point. We have Kang, who most of us know. I would not say he had any particularly notable characteristics – a pretty regulation protagonist. The girl is mildly annoying and doesn’t seem especially interesting. You’ve marked her as very pretty which of course is nowhere near enough to make her a worthwhile character. The old man sounds like regulation old man and the mysterious stranger came across as instantly unlikeable, so is probably the villain.

 

To answer your question, I'm afraid I'm not feeling a bursting need to keep reading on the basis of what I’ve read so far. The only question I'm asking myself at this point it, ‘What possible use will a potion of weight be? It’s not enough to sustain me through a novel when character and relationships is what I am most interested in.

 

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 “the mountains of the Rivers of Ice” – Awkward phrase.

 

I find the reference to “wolfish dogs” strange when clearly they are huskies

 

I felt it a bit jarring how close to the battlefield the command tent was. I presume the reality is that it’s further away, but there was nothing to show the distance, the narrative seemed to jump.

 

“then lays lies back down” – I couldn’t get past this one.

 

“lay inside on a thread of gold sheet” – Sheet of gold thread?

 

“various magically infused items laying lying on colorful quivit-wool sheets” – Can incorrect (strictly speaking) grammar be a style choice? Either way, I find it distracting. Also, this is the second use of the word ‘sheet’, which I picture like a bed-sheet, i.e. large. It needn’t be, I suppose, but for me (purely personally), ‘cloth’ would be more obvious.

 

“Sorry Kang, I don’t think they there is any magic way to make you more sociable” – Yeah, but there are ‘potions’ for that...

 

“The sound of outside echo in as the door to the shop opens” – As I said, I’ve been skipping most of the grammar, but I'm not sure what the first half of this is saying.

 

“What are you looking for, child?” – Several times so far you’ve included a name at the end of sentence without a comma, which would be the usual form, since there is a pause there.

 

“accompanying metotheballthisevening” – This is hard to read and, I felt, a bit juvenile for the tone of the story. I try this just as an experiment “me-to-the-ball-this-evening” still, I don’t think it’s necessary.

 

“Rakella bounces on her toes in excitement” – she acts like a twelve year-old.

 

“Suddenly she stops, a look of horror crossing her face.” – The absence of pauses is a bit of a recurring theme for me. You’ve got one here “Yes, at Council Hall.” seems to be a consistency thing.

 

“Oh to be young again” – very predictable line.

 

“I believe you will find it up for any challenges you may face tonight at the ball.” – Eh? A potion of weight? I don’t get the logic of this at all.

 

“a fine silver webbing lays lies within the box” – Is it just me? I'm interested to see if anyone else has commented on this.

[Mandamon]

I cringed when I saw the beginning was in second person, but it wasn't too bad to read.  I presume this mysterious figure is drinking the memories that make up the rest of the story.

 

Like Robinksi, I thought the entry was fine, but it didn't immediately pique my interest.  The characters were ok, but nothing special.  I was also sort of surprised by Kang asking the girl to the ball, especially since he seemed to be very nervous and she accepted easily.

 

I didn't really know how any of the essences would help Kang out with the ball--they seemed better for a quest of some sort.

 

Are you planning for readers to have read your previous work and be familiar with Kang, or is this something stand-alone?

 

 

Notes:

---------------

pg 1: "pulled my massive wolfish dogs"

--"by"

 

pg 1: "find exposed body parts sending men to the ice bleeding."

--"finding", "parts, sending"

 

pg 1: "leap into the unit teeth bared"

--"unit, teeth"

 

pg 1: "into the unit taking"

--"into the unit, taking"

 

pg 1: "your command tent leaving"

--"your command tent, leaving"

 

pg 1: "Inside, you remove your helmet and place it next to a stained stone 

 

mug on the worn wooden table beside a large burning coal fire pit."

--run-on sentence

 

At this point I've found 7 typos/ grammar problems in the first 4 paragraphs and stopped counting.  Reading the rest, this level seems to be consistent through the whole document.  This would benefit from a once-over proofread before submitting.

 

 

pg 2: "bone leg"

--I think I understand what you're doing here, but this sounds really weird, as legs have bone in them already.

 

pg 3: Prey => Pray

[Kammererite]

Thanks for reading. Too answer some questions.

 

- First off, I like the second person, especially in the middle of a battle scene.

Thanks.

 

- Not much happens in the second scene, but I am interested, though it's mostly to see what happens with Kang and company more than any major plot developments 

Would you say this is because you read the previous story?

 

 

 

Various typos and grammar blips, but I haven’t flagged (many of) them as you’ve said it’s a first draft.

Overall, I was a bit unsure about Kang’s age at this point, and the girl seemed to act in a childish way, making me doubt her age.

Kang should be around 18-20ish. Rakella is bit younger. might have to mature her up but i was going for easily excitable walking magic encyclopaedia (this part comes later)

 

To answer your question, I'm afraid I'm not feeling a bursting need to keep reading on the basis of what I’ve read so far. The only question I'm asking myself at this point it, ‘What possible use will a potion of weight be? It’s not enough to sustain me through a novel when character and relationships is what I am most interested in.

Good to know

-------------------------------------------------------

 

“Suddenly she stops, a look of horror crossing her face.” – The absence of pauses is a bit of a recurring theme for me. You’ve got one here “Yes, at Council Hall.” seems to be a consistency thing.

Commas....i hate commas.

 

 

 

 

I cringed when I saw the beginning was in second person, but it wasn't too bad to read.  I presume this mysterious figure is drinking the memories that make up the rest of the story.

That is correct. I wanted to show this and i think second person is the best way to communicate it but am thinking of switching the frame story to third person as i find writing second person very awkward. 

 

Like Robinksi, I thought the entry was fine, but it didn't immediately pique my interest.  The characters were ok, but nothing special.  I was also sort of surprised by Kang asking the girl to the ball, especially since he seemed to be very nervous and she accepted easily.

Good to know.

 

Are you planning for readers to have read your previous work and be familiar with Kanag, or is this something stand-alone?

No familiarity i needed . This should be stand alone. The next scene has a few sentence recap of the previous novella worked in to catch people up. 

 

pg 2: "bone leg"

--I think I understand what you're doing here, but this sounds really weird, as legs have bone in them already.

Will clarify, peg leg just sounds to piratish or is it piraty.

 

I did do a quick proof-read but definitely need to spend some more time on that, as editing is weak point of mine.

 

The second scene is really just a set up for the rest of the story, which is an adventure-murder mystery. The next scene is the ball where the murder occurs in about another 3-4k words, but i think i might need to cut this set-up scene so people can get there.

 

Thanks again so far

Edited February 24, 2016 by Kammererite

[rdpulfer]

I would say that, had i not read the previous book, I'd had been somewhat bored. Maybe not enough to stop reading altogether, but the pace is definitely something of a letdown. 

[Robinski]

Commas...i hate commas.

Commas are a powerful force for good, but should be deployed with an assassin's eye for the surgically effective strike. Or, just put them where you pause when reading back.