20160201 - Shrike76 - Angel: Ch. 2 (3660 words)

[Shrike76]

In Chapter One, Giselle is left to cover for the work her ailing sister would normally do, and she isn't happy about it. In the middle of the night, she's awoken by a noise, and goes to find that her sister is sneaking out of the house under cover of darkness. Giselle waits by the entrance for her sister to return so that she can confront her.

[rdpulfer]

- Okay, I haven't read chapter one yet, so maybe this is explained, but if Giselle knew her sister wasn't well, why didn't she follow her or at least wake up her mother? 

 

- Again, new reader syndrome, but if Leni is in the business of faking illnesses, it probably needs to brought up sooner . . . unless you already thought of that in the first chapter I have yet to read. 

 

- I'm a little confused by the mention of angels. It sounds like angels are a little more commonplace in this world, at least that their existence isn't called into question. Yet Giselle still doesn't believe one took Leni? 

 

- Nitpicking grammar note, but when Gissle mumbles to Mr. and Mrs. Harrison, "fine" should be capitalized.

 

- I am looking the introduction of angels into this world, especially as beings that only make contact with a select few.

 

- I like this chapter. I'm definitely curious what happens next and can't wait to see where Gisselle's search takes her.  

[king007]

“When her mother shook her awake, Giselle squinted against the morning sunlight lancing directly into the house from just over the horizon.” This sentence is too long. And what do you mean by “directly”?

 

“Why are you sleeping here in a chair?” unnecessary detail.

 

The whole urinating part did not feel good.

 

“but hated the thought that her sister was missing and that she hadn’t raised an alarm because she was more interested in getting Leni in trouble.” This could use some rephrasing.

 

I did not get the transition between Giselle angry at her sister in the previous chapter and her worried in this one. It felt abrupt or sudden. Maybe some internal dialogue raising questions about the dangers that could befall Leni could make that transition smoother and easier to comprehend. Or perhaps you could emphasize more on her mother’s disappointment with her and show us that effect on Giselle.

 

“There were no signs of Leni’s footprints leaving the house outside, but her soft shoes were missing.”

 

“Away from the home itself, in a small clearing by the open-sided shed where the business was done of scraping out the insides of the waxfruit rinds, something shining in the grass caught Giselle’s eye.” Too long sentence. Try chopping it into different parts. And was the detail really necessary?

 

“Stepping closer to it”

 

“fully a foot long and almost a handspan at its widest.” Do you really need that word?

 

“It belonged to no bird Giselle could name, and though she had never seen one up close she was certain that it could only have come from an angel.” Seems to me too early to be certain.

 

“Her mother startled her by approaching silently, while Giselle was deep in thought and worry.” How about this: Deep in thought and worry, Giselle was startled by her mother’s silent approach.

And why would her mother be silent about it? Wouldn’t she, instead, shout at her from afar because she wanted to hurry and find her missing daughter?

 

“By the time her mother returned home”

 

“…few people they encountered on the road to inquire if anyone had seen about Leni.” One of many phrases that could use some serious trimming.

 

Notes:

The mother seemed cold to me in this chapter. I didn’t get the vibe that she was truly worried. As if she was hiding something and knew more about Leni’s disappearance.

In contradiction with the clean writing and precise description of the earlier chapter, this one had too many unnecessary details and bad phrasing. I suspect you did not pay this chapter as much attention as you did the other one.

I liked the dialogue. It felt authentic.

I’m still curious about the angels and looking forward to the council meeting.

I anticipate important changes happening in the next chapter, but who knows.

Overall, I’m still hooked, but I’d rather if you remain meticulous with your writing.

Edited February 2, 2016 by king007

[Mandamon]

I think king007 has the gist of it here.  I liked this chapter, but it had a lot of long sentences and extra details.  Aside from that it was well written and flowed well.

 

pg 2: "Giselle hated lying, but hated the thought that her sister was missing and that she hadn’t raised an alarm because she was more interested in getting Leni in trouble."

-awkward sentence

 

pg 3: "Away from the home itself, in a small clearing by the open-sided shed where the business was done of scraping out the insides of the waxfruit rinds, something shining in the grass caught Giselle’s eye."

-also awkward, and passive voice

 

pg 4: "Her mother would think her daft if Giselle mentioned it, and anyone else would cry heresy at the mention of an angel and a human meeting in the night."

-Surely her mother would believe her if Giselle showed her the feather...

 

pg 7: "because she believed what was said about the angels without a hint of doubt."

-I know this is a legitimate thing, but I'm still having some trouble believing it.  The feather Giselle picked up is unique, and I don't think could be any other animal.  If she just showed it to her mother, even if her mother didn't believe it, she would still have tried.

 

pg 12: "“We never call upon the angels’ help. It is theirs alone to offer."

-So do the tithes go to the angels?  Otherwise how is Mr. Eneva expected to contact them?

 

I think I was mainly confused by the relationship between the villagers and the angels.  We don't know anything about how the village hierarchy works, and this chapter focused a lot on commerce and taxes.

I'm still not completely satisfied about not seeing Leni.  It's now been two chapters and I don't know what age she is or anything else about her except that she might either get sick a lot or fake sickness.  As rdpulfer says, it probably needs to be clarified whether Leni has a history of faking illness.

 

Still interested to see what happens next.  Looking forward to what happened with the angel.

[Shrike76]

- Okay, I haven't read chapter one yet, so maybe this is explained, but if Giselle knew her sister wasn't well, why didn't she follow her or at least wake up her mother? 

- Again, new reader syndrome, but if Leni is in the business of faking illnesses, it probably needs to brought up sooner . . . unless you already thought of that in the first chapter I have yet to read. 

- I'm a little confused by the mention of angels. It sounds like angels are a little more commonplace in this world, at least that their existence isn't called into question. Yet Giselle still doesn't believe one took Leni? 

- I am looking the introduction of angels into this world, especially as beings that only make contact with a select few.

 

In the first chapter, it's explained that the sister's been sick for a week or so, but Giselle thinks she's faking it. She assumes her sister's been sneaking out in the night and waits up to confront her on it when she returns.

For your comment about the angel, I'll need go over that to make sure that the intent is clear. Angels are a common enough sight, but there's little to no interaction

Thanks for reading!

 

 

I did not get the transition between Giselle angry at her sister in the previous chapter and her worried in this one. It felt abrupt or sudden. Maybe some internal dialogue raising questions about the dangers that could befall Leni could make that transition smoother and easier to comprehend. Or perhaps you could emphasize more on her mother’s disappointment with her and show us that effect on Giselle.

Notes:

The mother seemed cold to me in this chapter. I didn’t get the vibe that she was truly worried. As if she was hiding something and knew more about Leni’s disappearance.

In contradiction with the clean writing and precise description of the earlier chapter, this one had too many unnecessary details and bad phrasing. I suspect you did not pay this chapter as much attention as you did the other one.

I liked the dialogue. It felt authentic.

I’m still curious about the angels and looking forward to the council meeting.

I anticipate important changes happening in the next chapter, but who knows.

Overall, I’m still hooked, but I’d rather if you remain meticulous with your writing.

 

 

I'll need to look at Giselle's reaction and motivation, and the mother as well. Cold is definitely not what I was going for.

Thanks for the other comments as well regarding the writing. i didn't get a chance to do as deep of a second pass on this submission as I did on the first, but that's no excuse.

 

 

 

I think king007 has the gist of it here.  I liked this chapter, but it had a lot of long sentences and extra details.  Aside from that it was well written and flowed well.

 

pg 4: "Her mother would think her daft if Giselle mentioned it, and anyone else would cry heresy at the mention of an angel and a human meeting in the night."

-Surely her mother would believe her if Giselle showed her the feather...

 

pg 7: "because she believed what was said about the angels without a hint of doubt."

-I know this is a legitimate thing, but I'm still having some trouble believing it.  The feather Giselle picked up is unique, and I don't think could be any other animal.  If she just showed it to her mother, even if her mother didn't believe it, she would still have tried.

 

pg 12: "“We never call upon the angels’ help. It is theirs alone to offer."

-So do the tithes go to the angels?  Otherwise how is Mr. Eneva expected to contact them?

 

I think I was mainly confused by the relationship between the villagers and the angels.  We don't know anything about how the village hierarchy works, and this chapter focused a lot on commerce and taxes.

I'm still not completely satisfied about not seeing Leni.  It's now been two chapters and I don't know what age she is or anything else about her except that she might either get sick a lot or fake sickness.  As rdpulfer says, it probably needs to be clarified whether Leni has a history of faking illness.

 

Still interested to see what happens next.  Looking forward to what happened with the angel.

 

 

 

Thanks for this. As I said to King, it seems that Giselle's thought process and motivations aren't clear. I'll see what I can do to clean that up.

The relationship between the humans and the angels should come into light fairly soon. I went for minimal details early, building up to more. I hope you keep reading to let me know if you feel it was the right choice or if I need to put more up front.

I'm still not sure about not putting Leni in earlier. Something to think about for the second draft.

Thanks for this and the other comments, much appreciated.

[Robinski]

This was another enjoyable chapter. It felt a bit repetitive in places, the mother going out and coming back, then searching again before coming back before they go out to the town.

 

I felt some wordiness, which I’ve commented on below in the details by way of example, but I enjoyed the general flow of the chapter, seeing the town and meeting other characters.

 

I did have a problem with Giselle’s age, her reactions to a couple of things and certain reactions to her.

 

Other than these things and a number of swipes from my grammar stick (unsure how I became the Sticker-Wielder, someone must have dropped it when I was passing...) this was a good solid chapter for me. I felt that there was progression in terms of the setting and the characters, if not the plot, but I'm happy with that.

 

I'm looking forward to the next submission 

 

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“There were no signs of Leni’s footprints leaving the house” – would there normally be signs of footprints? This seems odd, like Leni would always have mud on her shoes.

 

“It couldn’t all be a coincidence. She had heard the heavy rush of wings in the night when her sister had left, and this feather had fallen from an angel, but angels never interacted with the common folk.” – I'm trying to put together Giselle’s age with the reasoning she is going through. It seems blindingly obvious from the rush of wings alone that an angel is involved.

 

Secondly, and I don’t remember this too clearly, but wasn’t there an instance of Giselle withholding information from her mother in the last chapter? I feel the shadow of repetition here. I'm struggling with the notion of Giselle withholding this and causing her mother all the worry and wasted time of going hither and yon around the village in vain.

 

““Angels don’t come down here.” Her mother’s tone was sharp.” – I think I would be happier about Giselle not telling her mother about the feather if she had tried at the time and her mother had made this sharp response. I could see how that would sting Giselle into silence at saying any more.

 

I had come to think that they were in town already, because you had described exactly what would happen with the good reception and the sweet from the bowl, so was disoriented when they then headed into town. I felt as if they should be coming back at that point.

 

“its single wheel dipping in and out of ruts” – I know what you mean, but it’s got two wheels, right, one at either end of the axle?

 

“Something for the little one?” I'm questioning Giselle’s age here. I think last time I thought she was about 11 or 12 by my impression, but ‘little one’ suggests 7 to 9 for me.

 

“Please let me know if there is anything else that I can do for your family.” – I'm feeling this chapter rather wordy in places. Take this sentence. My new rule of thumb for dialogue is that, unless speechifying or being a pompous arse, people tend to use as few words as possible. Ergo, I'm thinking of this sentence as “Please tell me if I can do anything to help.” 37.5% shorter and 53.9% smoother, I think.

 

“Giselle’s mother took the old man’s offered hands in her own. “Thank you for your offer.” – repetition of ‘offer’.

 

“but you do well by us already” – Isn’t it ‘We do well by you already’?

 

“Giselle wanted to groan but restrained herself. There was something about adults constantly showing concern for one another that rang false. She understood the need to say things out of politeness, but sometimes she wished such exchanges could be kept to a more reasonable length.” – This is hilarious, but seems very harsh on Giselle’s part in the face of genuine concern from the chandler. It seems like a mean part of her young character.

 

“though Giselle could not shake the feeling that the angels had already shined shone too much light upon their family”

 

“They gathered their hand cart” – To me, gathering is something you do to fruit or flowers, i.e. multiple things – collected the cart?

 

“Giselle suspected that the majority who chose to pay once a month did so in order to smooth out the numbers in their favour.” – Here is another instance (as in the last chapter) where Giselle displays much more mature reasoning than her age would suggest to me, whether she is a ‘little one’ at 7/8 or a girl at 11/12.

 

“They passed several inns and alehouses and restaurants on their way to the tax office, and Giselle’s stomach growled at the smells of roasting meats and vegetables and baked bread.” – Argh, now you're doing it! Not as much as Eisenheim admittedly, but twice in the one sentence. I can handle this construction in small doses, but this seems a bit much.

 

“and hen then we can”

 

“Thank you for your quick payment, is there anything else I can do for you today?” – Is this a run-on sentence? I'm still learning on this front.

 

“Mrs. Harrion” – Their surname makes me pause – it’s so close to ‘harridan’.

 

“Giselle’s mother marched her into an alley beside the tax office, one with no windows” – I guess you mean no windows overlooking, but the wording sounds like they're still inside.

 

“They bear a great burden in protecting our borders” – Do they? We've seen no sign of this.

 

“for some hot pies” – How big are these pies? To me, a pie is a meal in itself, the notion of eating multiple of them is strange.

 

“Zanija set to work preparing supper” –This is the mother, right? I reckoned we were in Giselle’s pov, so I don’t see why this name would appear.

 

“They had been so busy throughout the day that her mother had probably not had the time to express any of the emotions she’d been holding in” – awkward.

 

“Her mother stroked Giselle’s head, then her arms hugged Giselle close as she kissed her daughter’s head.” – Repetition of ‘head’ was awkward, to me. Suggest using ‘hair’ for one.

 

“they both needed the physical contact” – Again, I feel that I'm in Giselle’s pov and this is a more adult thought. I'm thinking in terms of ‘being close’.

Edited February 4, 2016 by Robinski

[Shrike76]

I felt some wordiness, which I’ve commented on below in the details by way of example, but I enjoyed the general flow of the chapter, seeing the town and meeting other characters.

 

“It couldn’t all be a coincidence. She had heard the heavy rush of wings in the night when her sister had left, and this feather had fallen from an angel, but angels never interacted with the common folk.” – I'm trying to put together Giselle’s age with the reasoning she is going through. It seems blindingly obvious from the rush of wings alone that an angel is involved.

 

Secondly, and I don’t remember this too clearly, but wasn’t there an instance of Giselle withholding information from her mother in the last chapter? I feel the shadow of repetition here. I'm struggling with the notion of Giselle withholding this and causing her mother all the worry and wasted time of going hither and yon around the village in vain.

 

““Angels don’t come down here.” Her mother’s tone was sharp.” – I think I would be happier about Giselle not telling her mother about the feather if she had tried at the time and her mother had made this sharp response. I could see how that would sting Giselle into silence at saying any more.

 

“its single wheel dipping in and out of ruts” – I know what you mean, but it’s got two wheels, right, one at either end of the axle?

 

“They passed several inns and alehouses and restaurants on their way to the tax office, and Giselle’s stomach growled at the smells of roasting meats and vegetables and baked bread.” – Argh, now you're doing it! Not as much as Eisenheim admittedly, but twice in the one sentence. I can handle this construction in small doses, but this seems a bit much.

 

“Thank you for your quick payment, is there anything else I can do for you today?” – Is this a run-on sentence? I'm still learning on this front.

 

There's definitely some wordiness here. Hopefully as I get more comfortable writing the story and take some time for a grammar pass I'll be subjecting you to less of it.

Yes it's obvious that an Angel is involved, the point I clearly have not made well is that that is almost unthinkable.

I'd imagined the cart as having a single wheel near the middle, and no axle. It needs a better description.

I will definitely rethink and reduce and modify the and/and constructions

I would call it a comma splice, but I guess that's a sort of run-on.

 

Thanks for all the comments. I think a lot of the setting and character details weren't clear to me and it shone through here (The angels role and visibility, Giselle's age, etc.) Having you and others comment on it will help me cement things going forward. Your input is very much appreciated.

[Robinski]

Yes it's obvious that an Angel is involved, the point I clearly have not made well is that that is almost unthinkable. - Yeah, that could definitely be tweaked. I think it was more consistency of reference to angels.

 

I'd imagined the cart as having a single wheel near the middle, and no axle. It needs a better description. - What you are describing is, I think, what the rest of us call a wheelbarrow.   ;o)

 

I will definitely rethink and reduce and modify the and/and constructions - Lol

 

I would call it a comma splice, but I guess that's a sort of run-on.- I'm interested to hear Mandamon's perspective on this, as he was Chief Inquisitor when I was hauled up before the Grand Order or Runonia in our online writing group.

[Shrike76]

What you are describing is, I think, what the rest of us call a wheelbarrow.   ;o)

 

Correct, specifically of the type I've usually seen referred to as a Chinese wheelbarrow, with the wheel toward the middle of the cart rather than up at the very front. But I can't really call it a "Chinese wheelbarrow" in this setting.

[Robinski]

True, but I think 'wheelbarrow' or 'barrow' would give the reader an impression close to the truth than 'cart', which sets me off imagining something else, but maybe it's just me.

[Mandamon]

 

I would call it a comma splice, but I guess that's a sort of run-on.- I'm interested to hear Mandamon's perspective on this, as he was Chief Inquisitor when I was hauled up before the Grand Order or Runonia in our online writing group.

 

I actually didn't have much of a problem with that sentence.  I think because it's technically correct.  There are two lists of three things, and while there are a lot of "ands," the sentence itself is right.  I've been guilty of this one myself.

 

The ones I get on Robinski about are sentences that are actually two stuck together with a comma, you can see how they either require a semicolon or a period  

Edited February 5, 2016 by Mandamon

[Shrike76]

I actually didn't have much of a problem with that sentence.  I think because it's technically correct.  There are two lists of three things, and while there are a lot of "ands," the sentence itself is right.  I've been guilty of this one myself.

 

Not the and/and sentence, it was this one:

“Thank you for your quick payment, is there anything else I can do for you today?”

[Mandamon]

Not the and/and sentence, it was this one:

“Thank you for your quick payment, is there anything else I can do for you today?”

Ah, then yes, that is a run-on.  Same as my example above.

[Robinski]

Ah, then yes, that is a run-on.  Same as my example above.

 

Ah ha! I knew it!!

[Marci]

Another good chapter!

 

I'm not bothered by the mention of urination. Girls do, you know, urinate and stuff. Especially upon waking, when it's most likely to be an urgent need. It wasn't a detailed detail, if you catch my drift, so I wouldn't worry about it much.

 

 

 

“Why are you sleeping here in a chair?” Her mother’s voice was gentle, but concerned. She pressed the back of a hand against Giselle’s forehead. “Are you feeling well?”

 

Others pointed out the awkwardness of this part. I might just say "Why are you sleeping out here?" or something like that. I actually did this when I was a kid. My dad always knew I was sick for real if he found me camped out on the couch instead of in bed. To this day I can't sleep in my own bed when I'm ill.

 

/needless personal detail

 

Randomosity:

 

I like the first reverent, incredulous mention of angels. It helps form a better idea of the world Giselle inhabits.

 

Giselle shows how insightful she is by noticing how adults can be so false in their concern for each other.

 

The "May angels always shine light upon your family" part with the requisite reply reminded me of my Catholic friends and family... "Peace be with you" — "And also with you."

 

I felt Giselle and her mother's sadness acutely, there at the end. I look forward to seeing/hearing more about these angels, and finding out where Leni's wandered off to!