Reading Excuses - 2016.01.18 - smgorden - How Old Trahaearn Lost His Eye, part 03

[smgorden]

Last time on "How Old Trahaearn Lost His Eye", the boy had followed his Papa to the hill (without permission) and met Old Trahaearn. Once inside, the boy had his nettle stings treated, and Trahaearn gave him socks. Made tea and told a fairy story, the significance of which is as yet unknown to the boy. Trahaearn made comments about fairies' view of things. About endings and about the idea of a home, ideas which make sense to humans, but not to fairies. Papa shows up. Where had he been the whole time? Boy expects severe consequences, but Papa listens and sees the boy is growing up. It starts to rain, and they run home.

 

There are two chapters in this submission:

TWO APPEARANCES

OPEN AND CLOSED

 

Regarding Feedback: You guys are already giving me great notes, so I don't feel the need to steer too hard. Continue noting any odd phrasing. I'd like the reading experience to feel more or less like floating down a river, so keep me informed on anything that interrupts your flow. 

Other things, tho: Continue to comment on characters and relationships, as relevant. Also, please comment on your immersion level and emotional state. I believe the real story is what's happening in you, not what's on the page. So I will appreciate all the information I can get about that.

 

Edited January 19, 2016 by smgorden

[Mandamon]

pg 1: "Papa was mine, and I was his. That was my one unshakeable truth in the world. Knowing it made all manner of trouble worth bearing."

--this seems ominous. (Edit--and it played out in the end of this submission...well played.)

 

pg 3: "There was no movement, but someone was there waiting. I knew it.

The splashing went on."

--This was a little confusing.  The whole passage is very creepy and well done, but I gathered from the splash of water (or milk) on metal, that the cow was being milked by the shadowy figure.  Then you said it was motionless.

 

pg 4: "Stealing the milk."

--So I guess the shadow is milking the cow?

 

Very nice phrasing in the way the woman speaks.  It sound very much as a fairy would speak, rhyming their phrases almost by instinct.

 

pg 8: "I put my hand over my mouth and breathed hard through my fingers so I could hear the air moving in and out of me."

--why?

 

pg 8: "He shouldn’t have it go out."

--missing "let"

 

pg 11: "The room took to spinning and I felt a warm hand on my shoulder again as all went black and I remembered no more that day."

--This seems very Tolkien, but almost reads as a cliche in today's writing.

 

Definitely some more magic going on with this chapter.  It's quite a bit different to the first few chapters.

 

The second chapter has a dreamlike quality.  I'm not sure what Trahaearn did to him, but it seems like the boy was in a trance.  I'm also not completely clear on what throwing the stones in the well did.  Afterward, he could tell Trahaearn about the girl, so did he throw a stone away called "promises?"

I assume he "renamed" his father's stone so he could keep the memory of his father?  

 

Again, the writing is very well done, but some of the meaning isn't completely clear.  I'm definitely hooked, so reading straight through, I would keep going to find out what happened next rather than puzzling over the parts I don't understand.

[smgorden]

Thanks Mandamon! 

pg3 blocking: I'll fix that issue with the "motionless" bit. Thanks for pointing that out. 

on you note: "seems very Tolkien". Can you elaborate on this? I'm unclear on how it ties into Tolkien or cliche/tropes. Is it a tone thing? Let me know what you're picking up. I'd like to address it if there's a real issue there.
 

pg 8: "I put my hand over my mouth and breathed hard through my fingers so I could hear the air moving in and out of me."

--why? 

Ever been seriously panicked? It's like breathing through a bag, or what have you. People do things when their involuntary functions aren't working right, or aren't sufficient for their current stress level.

Great notes and comments. "I'm definitely hooked"- awwyiss.

[rdpulfer]

- I like the suspense building in the page, as the heifer senses something in wrong and the main character yells for his dad.

 

- I liked the meeting with the woman in the barn, but her words seem a bit too long-winded at times to feel really ominous. You might punch up the impact but cutting out some excess words.

 

- Faeries. Cool. That's where I thought this was going.

 

- Why does he not tell Trahaern about his meeting with the woman? It seems like it's just going to cause problems later.

 

- So it was the result of a spell? This might need to be explained a little more. 

 

- Overall, I'm really interested in where this is going. It might just be weekly reader syndrome, but I can't remember if this is the only installment that didn't have a fairy tale included. Not sure if that's the case or not. 

[Mandamon]

on you note: "seems very Tolkien". Can you elaborate on this? I'm unclear on how it ties into Tolkien or cliche/tropes. Is it a tone thing? Let me know what you're picking up. I'd like to address it if there's a real issue there.

Not a huge issue, but whenever I see something along the lines of "Remembered no more" I'm reminded of the Hobbit, where it seemed nearly every one of his chapters ended with Bilbo falling unconscious.

 

 

Ever been seriously panicked? It's like breathing through a bag, or what have you. People do things when their involuntary functions aren't working right, or aren't sufficient for their current stress level.

That's what I thought this was.  Maybe I haven't even been panicked enough, but I've never done this.  Seems like it would take extra effort when you're dealing with the panic.  It also threw me out a bit wondering if a young boy would have this reaction vs. someone elder.  It may not be a problem--I might just be weird.

[Shrike76]

P1 - "property line" feels like such a modern term for this story. Mentioning a natural or artifical marking would be more effective.

P4 - Why is the hay fork he was using before suddenly too heavy?

P10 - "You pa hasn't gone." - Your

P10 - The room took to spinning - This line felt like it was trying too hard.

P12 - "The world is already awake, and you're late to it." - He's just more or less repeating what he already said once. Once was enough.

P15 - "but the water it is bright and still as glass - would be better as either "but the water, it is", or "the water in it is", or "the water is"

P18 - "I'd say she entirely unpleasant" - she was

 

I loved the description of the hidden stranger in the barn, which turned out to be milking the cow. It was very tense and pulled me right along. And once she starts talking I very much enjoyed her rhyming speech pattern.

Also tense was the boy realizing his father wasn't around, but this I think should have stricken him more strongly, and more immediately. I don't know how long he was in the barn, but long enough for his father to have fallen asleep making a fire? This should be punched up.

Trahaearn arriving to explain what's happened, guide the boy through calming himself enough to explain, and lead the way was an excellent scene.

 

I'm wondering how solid of a promise was the one he made to not speak of the stranger, and wondering if there will be repercussions later for his revealing it to Trahaearn.

 

All in all an excellent pair of chapters, and a great continuation of what you've already submitted so far. I'm very much hooked, and I think you have fantastic potential.

The only suggestion I have for improvement is that this hook that seems to start the main arc of the story comes at what I think is Chapter Ten? If you plan on submitting this to an agent or publisher in the future, you should absolutely look for ways to bring this hook forward in the book so that it is arrived at sooner, because if this book is going to get someone's attention it's this section right here is that's going to do it.

[smgorden]

More great notes!

 

 

rdpulfer

======

"her words seem a bit too long-winded at times to feel really ominous" it's true, but her speech follows rules. I might revise at some point, or say less. But in general, her speech will probably suffer for brevity.

 

"So it was the result of a spell? This might need to be explained a little more." Clarify this for me. What are you referring to?

 

mandamon

=========

 

RE: Bilbo falling unconcious. Haha! You know, it's been a while since I've done a Hobbit read through. I might have to brush up there and see how Tolkien handles those moments. I'm sure I can adjust slightly so it doesn't feel pulled straight from his work.

 

shrike76

=======

"property line" - yeah. good point here. I'll think of something more landmark-ish.

All the line-by-line notes are good to know. Thank you everyone! I'm charging ahead for now, to get to the end of the book. But the body of notes from this group is awesome. Gonna have plenty of work to do for the first full revision of the book. But I'm quite pleased with the kind of information I'm getting here. 

Regarding the gap between the beginning and this hook... I'm aware. Pretty sure chapter 1 is gonna get cut altogether, and maybe mash together some of the other short early chapters and weave the world-building that way, rather than front-loading it in traditional folk tale style. I like certain parts of traditional folk-tale format, but I'm willing to give in if it means drawing readers more reliably toward the hook. We'll see how it goes. Wish me luck

[king007]

Overall I liked this submission a lot. I loved your writing, it has improved since last time, and I was really fascinated by the way the little child narrates what happens and how he feels. It felt authentic and very close to how a kid would say things.

I'm also hooked by the story and would like to read more of it!

 

I'm not going to delve into details as I see the others have already elaborated on them.

Finally, I just wanna say good job and good luck with your next submission; I'm looking forward to it!

 

This has been reading excuses, bye !

[Eisenheim]

I like everything I've read here, but it feels like I've started 3 stories now, instead of sinking into one.  There are so many threads being picked up, but nothing seems like it's come any closer to a conclusion.  How long is the whole thing?  

 

I'm also still feeling a little uncertain with the boy.  He doesn't have a fully consistent vocabulary/maturity level in his dialogue and narration, and sometimes the dialogue feels like the older part, which is a little jarring.

[smgorden]

king007: Thanks! I'm glad you're into the story.

Eisenheim:

Length: I'm aiming for middle grade length, which seems to have a reasonable cap of about 60k words. I have a feeling I'm going to overshoot that, and have to edit down to it afterward.

 

Regarding age/maturity level of the boy: You're right. I had another friend point that out recently. Still puzzling over where to put him exactly, and how to make clear where he begins and how he progresses. I've got a few ideas for it, but haven't settled on a solution yet. I think he settles into a consistency as it goes forward. But keep me informed of your impressions.

Edited January 22, 2016 by smgorden

[Robinski]

I honestly thought that your last submission was the end of the story, and that it was a short. I found the ending very satisfying. The mystery of Trahaearn was never revealed (I don’t mind that), but the relationship between the boy and his father has followed an arc, even in those two submissions. The boy is entering adolescence and there is a different understanding between them, greater parity, greater respect – The End. But no! There’s a whole novel – okay then – on we go!

 

...And there’s the last paragraph of your short story at the start of this submission – all is right with the world! (I’ll stop now).

 

Nice work, well-written as always and easy to be carried along. There is a good forward momentum which is enjoyable. I especially like the way you show the boy’s reaction to his father’s disappearance rather than just telling the reader. It’s to be expected, I suppose, that Trahaearn is the one making the decisions, since he is the one who knows what is happening. I did think that maybe the boy might express a bit more desire / urgency (earlier in the chapter) to be going after his father, but I suppose he is a bit disoriented by it all, and half asleep too.

 

Looking forward to the next bit – which I can read straight away! Only advantage of being behind

 

----------------------------------------------------------------

 

Two Appearances

 

A thing that always occurs to me on starting one of your submissions, the spelling of ‘Trahaearn’ is very awkward. Fine, that’s his name, but I think it slows the reader down each time they see the word. My approach to awkward pronunciation is always to latch onto a version in the first or second instance and use that, but I still slow down each time the word appears. I'm going with ‘Tray-hern’ – don’t know if that’s what you intend, but that’s what I'm using!

 

“I squinted my eyes against the cold spatter” – what else would he squint?

 

“Men had cross words they’d say in moments like this. But I couldn’t remember any of them” – Lol, great line.

 

“I called as the sky went dim again” – I like your description of thunder and lightning, and the second shadow, one flaw, I think, is that it’s implied the world is lit up for longer than it would be with a flash of lightning, which is pretty much instantaneous for purposes of human perception. The line about the world going dark again is too slow in coming, I think.

 

“My tiredness felt bigger” – greater, surely.

 

I'm surprised that he’s almost instantly disregarded the other shadow that was there – he clearly saw it and doesn’t doubt that he saw it, but seems to think no more about it.

 

Okay, this is pedantic even for me, but I wondered about a sliding barn door – that seems like a higher level of technology than I would have expected in this setting or, if existing, too expensive for a little farm in the middle of nowhere, compared to a couple of hinges.

 

I think the description of the water falling could be clearer. For a split second, I thought someone was peeing against a metal panel (really), then I imagined a drip in a bucket – I didn’t get that it was a milking ‘sound’ (squirt?) until you clarified that the cow was being milked.

 

“Over and again I cried, but the storm wouldn’t have it. I was not able to summon Papa to the barn, and he did not come” – This is just fantastic, what an awesome idea, the thunder actively preventing the boy from summoning help, it’s very clever and so effective, great work. And the tension here is great.

 

You say that the boy can see a face, but there is no description of it. Also, was that only when the lightning flashed? Even then, I would expect to read his thoughts about what the face looked like.

“Her round face lit as she came toward the doorway” – how is it lit, what light is he seeing by in between lightning flashes? I think we need a reminder of what time of day it is and what the lighting conditions are. It’s more shadowed in the barn, of course, but I’ve lost my bearing on the lighting levels outside.

 

“see if he know knew anybody”

 

“I guess that seemed small to me” – I'm not sure what ‘that’ is in this reference, when there seems to be only one subject under consideration, and yet this is a comparative phrase.

 

I'm surprised that there is no more description of the woman (girl?). We've had a very little about her height and eyes, but he must be able to see more detail than that.

 

“and shortly her voice was shortly lost”

 

“It was damp, and the rain was boiling out of it.” This makes me wonder how it caught so quickly. “wouldn’t stay lit very long otherwise” – don’t see how it would get started in the first place.

 

“And the end of it there were boots.” The end of the floor? There’s something off with the phrasing here, I think.

 

I was surprised he took so long to identify Trahaearn, especially since he had just been with the man. I would have expected instant recognition rather than a description.

 

Open and Closed

 

“Above it was the kettle” – you refer to flames and stumps, both plural, but have singular here in the following sentence.

 

“like a newspaper” – I come back to period of the setting here – would he know what a newspaper was?

 

“and I don’t know whether my face existed before” – missing word?

 

I enjoy the symbolism of the boy dropping the stones into the well, and of them not being for throwing / skimming on the pond, very poignant.

 

“I looked at myself in the water, and it I was young and familiar” – or, “I looked at my face in the water...”

 

“How to do you feel?”

 

“I’d say she was entirely unpleasant, sir”

[Robinski]

Looking at your post now (I am so bad for not following the instructions!), in terms of my emotional state, I had not really been thinking about it until I read your question. Thinking about it now, I definitely felt the poignancy of the change in the relationship between the boy and his father (I did comment on that). I'm not (yet) however getting a strong feeling from him about the loss of his father.

 

Personally, my father died some years ago. I feel that quite acutely on occasion, but that depth of feeling is not being sparked here, because there's no suggestion that his father is gone for good, but that he needs rescuing. As I said in my comments, I didn't feel strong emotion from the boy. The initial panic was very well handled, but I'm not getting much from him now at an emotional level, perhaps because of his exhaustion the night before, and his disorientation during and after Trahaearn's 'hypnosis' of him.

 

Hope that helps!

[smgorden]

Robinski

 

"What else would he squint?" - HA! What, indeed? Good note.

 

greater/bigger: man, good note there too. I really enjoy the kinds of word usage you're noting. I'm a stickler for basic grammar (or so I believe). But sometimes the traditions of word choice slip by in the frenzy of writing. Thanks for taking the time to point these out. 

 

"sliding barn door"- dangit... thinking of grandpa's barn (metal, modern). Obviously, it should be hinged for this story. Yes.

 

"don’t see how it would get started in the first place." Regarding fires, I have a lot of experience burning wood that's been rained or snowed on, what kind of intensity is required to burn it. But you're right in that it has not been explained. I'll have to put the boy through some paces of thinking of through the process, or possible just skip it and have the fire already build and setup previously, dry and ready to burn. 

Great notes, all! Sincerely appreciate your attention to detail and setting. I'll have to look up a few of the contextual problems in word choice and figure them out. But all good stuff. Thank you, sir!