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AuthorityHellas16 - When Good Angels Do Nothing - Part 2, Chapter 1 - 4175 words [V,D]


AuthorityHellas16

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Hello everyone. Hope 2016 is treating you all well. 

 
Here is the first chapter of Part 2 of When Good Angels Do Nothing, where Hellas ponders his next move after receiving the armour from Lucifer. As always, any and all feedback is appreciated. Special things I’d like answered with this chapter:
  • What do you think of the Keeper of Secrets?
  • Is the whole “riddles” thing too cliche?
  • Is it convenient that there’s a back way into World’s End? 
  • Are you interested in Hellas’ forgotten identity/do you know who it is (if you do already kudos! That does mean I’ll need to cut down on the navel gazing in this department)
Cheers!
 
AH16
 
The Story So Far: After Hellas’ students were massacred by the hellspawn, despite his (and the Steel Hawks’) attempts to save them, Hellas recuperated in the Infirmary. CHANGED CONTENT ALERT! He received a letter from Augustine, the High Inquisitor, demanding his complete silence regarding the massacre, as they believe such a screw up would raise questions about the Trinity’s omniscience and infallibility. Enraged, Hellas made for the Temple, lambasting Gabriel and Augustine for trying to cover up the students’ sacrifice, as well as their seeming apathy to the tragedy. After Hellas is escorted away by Michael, Gabriel marches into the Inner Sanctum (being one of two people in Heaven to have access to the Trinity). He demands that Hellas be exiled for his behaviour, but Elohim commands him to keep his temper in check. 
 
With his faith in the Council - and by extension the absentee Trinity - completely shattered, Hellas travelled to the Citadel and met Lucifer, who presented him with a splendid set of armour, goading him into taking up arms against the Council. Despite knowing that Lucifer was trying to manipulate him, Hellas took the armour anyway, vowing to destroy the hellspawn as soon as he had deposed the ineffective Council. 
 
Meanwhile, Elohim leaves the Temple in the dead of night and meets a mysterious figure named Kha Shi…
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I must say that I was truly captivated by your excellent writing. I enjoyed reading these 17 pages a lot, and I'm already hooked by the story. Good job my friend!

 

As for the keeper part, I felt like i was reading a fairy tale of some kind. The keeper didn't seem that evil to me honestly, even mentioning the dead men who ventured inside the cave did not darken my impression of him. Though I must say that you succeeded in capturing how tricky he was. This part only lacks a darker tone to it, otherwise it would be perfect for me, unless that's the kind of story you're aiming for. I wouldn't know for sure since I didn't read the previous part. Or maybe he just seemed that way because he was talking to Hellas, some one he had known for a long while and had an affection for him of some sort.

 

I didn't think it convenient that a back way into World's End exists. After all it's guarded by this terrifying creature, so hardly anyone would want to go through this way.

 

I also found the dialogue between Hellas and Scrios to be wonderful. It flowed smoothly and added progression to the story. The best kind of dialogue.

 

That's all I have to say.

Good luck on your next chapters.

Edited by king007
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I thought this was one of the best entries of this story so far.  You reveal some information without giving us too much.  As to your questions above:

 

1) I like the Keeper of Secrets.  He's mysterious, playing into fears of spiders that most people have, and may or may not have killed all those people.  We're not sure if he's actually bad or just misunderstood.  He might be Hellas' old teacher?

2) I like the riddles.  It's a traditional past time, and I think fits with the theme of heaven and ancient history

3) I don't think it's convenient there's a back way.  There usually is, in fortresses, and if the only one who knows about it also may be killing the people he tells, then it's pretty well guarded.

4) I'm definitely interested in finding out who Hellas is after reading this chapter.  Before, I could take it or leave it.  I don't know who he is, unless I'm missing some big hint.  I do think he may not be playing for the same side as he used to.

 

Oh, and by the way, I like the flow of the content you've changed in your summary.

 

 

Notes while writing:

pg 1/2:  I really like the intro to this.  It gives a lot of cool history in few words.  I'm especially intrigued by the mention of the different races (? - types of angels?) in the Tozan and Seafolk.

 

pg 2: "‘Ordering armour means trusting someone. If I’m going to do this I need to stay anonymous, at least at the start.’"

--I didn't quite get what's going on here.  Why would he need to order armor?  I assume this has something to do with the plan we don't know about between Lucifer and Hellas.

 

pg 6: ‘Isn’t it?’ 

--I assume this is a hint to past identity.

 

pg 7: "He waited for the sounds to return to him, using the reverberations to construct a mental picture of the labyrinth."

--I'm with you on producing the sound, but does he have the capacity to construct echolocation into a map?  That would require some recalibration of senses and brain, or it's an ability you haven't told us about until now.

 

pg 7: "Hellas summoned a small sphere of glowing white energy over his palm."

--Why not just do this instead of echolocation?  If this isn't enough, make a bigger light, or stick lights to the walls.

 

pg 11: "His eight legs, like those of some giant crab"

--was his old teacher the Keeper?
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P3 - "Scrios looked closely at his protege, He saw the determination..." - I'd assumed this scene was in Hellas' POV (like almost all the others are) so this threw me out of the story.

P5 - "An almost-invisible rune flashed on his forehead" - We're in Scrios' POV, so there's no way he can see this.

P5 - "I saw that Lucifer didn't give you a mask" - Didn't he? I'm sure he did. Addendum: And then a couple of paragraphs later there's something about him replacing a black mask. I'm confused.

P8 - The keeper's been watching Hellas "his whole life" but he doesn't know who sent him into the labyrinth?

P12 - So the Keeper just asks Hells a riddle he knows Hellas has solved before? Kind of weak.

 

The italics in the first scene felt inconsistent to me. All your previous uses have been dreams or flashbacks, but this felt like a scene that actually happened in real time so the italics took me out of the story a bit.

 

World's End - Not sure why it's called that. Is that supposed to be Hell or is Lucifer elsewhere at this point in time?

 

I remember Scrios, but I don't remember if Hellas should trust him implicitly with the details of his armour and his secret identity. Maybe their relationship needs more exposition up front to make it believable that Hellas telling him about this is something other than sheer stupidity.

 

I couldn't say exactly why, but by page 4 I'm kind of expecting Scrios to betray Hellas later. something about his brother being in league with Lucifer, and him having a source on the inside of World's End, it all feels too convenient. Part of me almost expects Scrios to BE Lucifer in disguise. I don't know how far off the mark I am.

 

Overall, a decent chapter that advances the story, but most of the steps of advancement felt less organic than I would have liked - more plot-driven than character-driven.

 

For your questions:
1) What do you think of the Keeper of Secrets?

 - Interesting, although I'm not sure what his role is in the world. As a dispensary of secret lore, he seems to give it up to Hellas fairly easily, so I don't know why he has a bad reputation.

2) Is the whole “riddles” thing too cliche?

 - Maybe a little, but I'm more curious as to why he'd ask a riddle Hellas knew the answer to. Is the Keeper the unnamed teacher from that flashback scene? It felt a little weak to me, unless the point is that the Keeper is trying to test if Hellas casn summon up these memories that are otherwise suppressed? But if that's the case and I thought of it, why is Hellas so dense that it hasn't occurred to him?

3) Is it convenient that there’s a back way into World’s End?

 - A little too convenient, especially since it felt so easy for Hellas to get the info. I hope the path turns out to be exceedingly difficult, otherwise this kind of falls apart.

4) Are you interested in Hellas’ forgotten identity/do you know who it is

 - Honestly, Hellas doesn't appear overly concerned enough about his forgotten identity (ie. uncovering his forgotten identity doesn't feel like a large enough part of his current identity), when he mentions it it's almost always in passing, so I never concerned myself too much with it, but I kind of assumed it was:

Not gonna say it outright but the archangel previously described by Hellas to Scrios as the greatest forger in history.

Edited by Shrike76
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As others are noting... the intrigue is going strong- very cool! Lucifer's armor. Keeper of secrets. A concerned friend who frowns upon Hellas' choices. All good elements. I found myself immersed in this kind of flow easier than the previous submission. You're getting me wondering about what happens next. 

 

I like the Keeper. Riddles can be fun. However, since you're using a flashback, I'd recommend having the riddle phrased a totally different way than the Keeper tells it. Reason I'm suggesting that is, if he doesn't remember it immediately, that suggests it's familiar-but-not-identical-to another riddle he's heard. If you've ever heard a tough riddle and figured out the answer yourself... you will never forget that answer. At least, nobody I know who's put in that mental effort had ever forgotten the solution. So, consider that. 

 

Convenient way back to World's End- I'm good with it.

 

I didn't quite understand that there was a separate, forgotten identity. But had I understood that- I would be curious about it, yes.

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- I still feel like Hellas is making a big mistake at the start of this chapter, even if the armor is thoroughly examined and cleaned. 

 

- I noticed the mention of Set. Isn't that an Egyptian deity? I'm curious if we're seeing other religions and pantheons displayed here.

 

- I do like the idea of recruiting prisoners who "make the hellspawn nervous". Curious what is so special about them. 

 

- The bit about someone being washed into the ocean in several pieces after visiting the Keeper being conclusive seems a little bit flat. it might just need to be reworded.

 

- I like the bit about the riddle. It reminds me of the sphinx. 

 

- I also liked the fight between his imposter friends. 

 

- Overall, I liked this chapter. The pace picked up once he spoke to the Keeper. Can't wait to read more. 

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- I noticed the mention of Set. Isn't that an Egyptian deity? I'm curious if we're seeing other religions and pantheons displayed here.

 

I'd kind of made a leap assumed that Set was Seth (brother of Cain and Abel) and was waiting to be proven otherwise through more information, but in re-reading this I wonder if Set is Scrios' brother?

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Hey guys, really interesting discussion going on here. Sorry I haven't had a chance to reply; been a long week of work. I'm glad this chapter has received relatively positive feedback. I'll try and address as many issues as I can, so sorry for the long post!

 

I must say that I was truly captivated by your excellent writing. I enjoyed reading these 17 pages a lot, and I'm already hooked by the story. Good job my friend!

 

As for the keeper part, I felt like i was reading a fairy tale of some kind. The keeper didn't seem that evil to me honestly, even mentioning the dead men who ventured inside the cave did not darken my impression of him. Though I must say that you succeeded in capturing how tricky he was. This part only lacks a darker tone to it, otherwise it would be perfect for me, unless that's the kind of story you're aiming for. I wouldn't know for sure since I didn't read the previous part. Or maybe he just seemed that way because he was talking to Hellas, some one he had known for a long while and had an affection for him of some sort.

 

I didn't think it convenient that a back way into World's End exists. After all it's guarded by this terrifying creature, so hardly anyone would want to go through this way.

 

I also found the dialogue between Hellas and Scrios to be wonderful. It flowed smoothly and added progression to the story. The best kind of dialogue.

 

 

Thanks for your feedback, king. I'm glad you like it

- The keeper's true identity is a plot point. As many of you have already guessed, he was Hellas' old teacher. What his real name is, what organisation he belonged to, why he was teaching Hellas, and why he's hiding in a labyrinth under the ground are all plot points that will be revealed in the fullness of time :P.

 

Given this history, I didn't intend for him to be evil. Originally I was aiming for something more akin to Koh from Avatar the Last Airbender (anyone who's seen that episode will know exactly what I'm talking about). But as I mentally fleshed out his backstory I thought this more familiar approach was more appropriate. 

 

 

P3 - "Scrios looked closely at his protege, He saw the determination..." - I'd assumed this scene was in Hellas' POV (like almost all the others are) so this threw me out of the story.

P5 - "An almost-invisible rune flashed on his forehead" - We're in Scrios' POV, so there's no way he can see this.

P5 - "I saw that Lucifer didn't give you a mask" - Didn't he? I'm sure he did. Addendum: And then a couple of paragraphs later there's something about him replacing a black mask. I'm confused.

P8 - The keeper's been watching Hellas "his whole life" but he doesn't know who sent him into the labyrinth?

P12 - So the Keeper just asks Hells a riddle he knows Hellas has solved before? Kind of weak.

 

The italics in the first scene felt inconsistent to me. All your previous uses have been dreams or flashbacks, but this felt like a scene that actually happened in real time so the italics took me out of the story a bit.

 

World's End - Not sure why it's called that. Is that supposed to be Hell or is Lucifer elsewhere at this point in time?

 

I remember Scrios, but I don't remember if Hellas should trust him implicitly with the details of his armour and his secret identity. Maybe their relationship needs more exposition up front to make it believable that Hellas telling him about this is something other than sheer stupidity.

 

I couldn't say exactly why, but by page 4 I'm kind of expecting Scrios to betray Hellas later. something about his brother being in league with Lucifer, and him having a source on the inside of World's End, it all feels too convenient. Part of me almost expects Scrios to BE Lucifer in disguise. I don't know how far off the mark I am.

Thanks as always Shrike!

- Thanks for pointing out the POV shifts; this is an issue for me so I'm glad you're on top of it for me :)

- Hellas destroyed the mask Lucifer gave him, because he wanted to be his own person. But he needed a mask for his disguise, so Scrios provided one

- The Keeper asks Hellas a riddle because, as you may have guessed, he and Hellas have a friendly past. He is trying to get Hellas to remember his past identity, for reasons that will become clearer later. That's why he deliberately asked a riddle Hellas would remember. I can work on making this clearer. 

- As for the relationship between Scrios and Hellas, it's an interesting (but way off the mark :P) point that Scrios was Lucifer. Scrios is Hellas' mentor and the two have been close for decades, so Hellas trusts scrios completely. Again, I'll make this clearer. Needless to say, Scrios is in Hellas' corner until the end. 

 

Also, very interesting about the Set vs. Seth conversation. I took the name from the Egyptian deity, but actually modelled his appearance (which we will see in the next chapter) after the Hindu God Ganesh. It's basically a mish-mash from lots of different religions that I've combined according to Rule of Cool. Very little point behind it!

 

Also, big thanks to Mandamon, rdpulfer and smgorden for all your positive feedback.

 

Thanks to everyone who commented. I'm thrilled you all enjoyed it. Hope you continue to enjoy it next week :) :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Sorry for the delay in responding, I'm just getting caught up now – almost back on schedule! I’ll dive straight in and sum up at the end.

 

Something seems off with the paragraph about cleaning the hellspawn armour. It’s repetitive for one thing, but the logic seems off too.

 

In Hellas’ conversation with Scrios, I'm concerned that Hellas does not seem to have any idea of who is going to fill the power vacuum if he casts down the Trinity. He actually says he doesn’t want it to be him, to which the obvious follow-up question from Scrios is, “Who then?”

 

Okay, so Scrios is not going to reveal his source, be we know it’s a male as he refers to ‘he’ about five time in one paragraph. It just stuck out like a sore thumb to me. He could have said ‘they’.

 

“Hellas stood still, silent, biting his lip, kneading his hands together.... ‘Fine,’ he grumbled, throwing his hands into the air. ‘I’ll go to the Labyrinth.” – For me, Hellas is behaving like a petulant teenager in this section.

 

You look like someone who’s going to make the world sit up and take notice” – but I thought the idea was to get into this place under the radar. This seems exactly the wrong way to look in this situation.

 

I'm struck at this point by a feeling that the plot is very linear. Most plots are, but the trick, I think, is to make it appear that there are various possibilities which the protagonist is choosing from and that any is possible, even though the author has already decided which way he is going. I feel in this chapter in particular Hellas goes from A to B to C without any consideration of the consequences, or agonising over the cost.

 

Neat idea to have Hellas using sonar in the cave, but hang on, if he can make a torch, why does he bother with the sonar? It seems pointless.

 

Another thing, the Keeper is set up a big scary thing, but we’re just told ‘Be scared of him’ within being given a reason for it. Feels like telling, not showing.

 

the smell of ancient, rotten flesh” – I imagine he would be able to smell this without having to concentrate on it, if the smell is pervading the passageway if he is gagging on it.

 

And what reputation would that be?” – A good question, I’ve been wondering that myself.

 

First, a quick riddle” – Really, riddles in the dark? This is straight out of The Hobbit and this is where you lost me. I’ve never really felt engaged by Hellas as a character. I don’t feel pain or loss or anger from him somehow, he moves from action to action, but somehow I don’t feel involved. I think it’s because I don’t care. What is actually at stake, at a human level? I'm not sure that we’re seeing that.

 

staring at him with the same pale red eyes and the same maniacal grin” – Are these really the characteristics of his wife? This is not how I imagined her from earlier references. She sounds like some kind of demon.

 

‘Girlfriend’ sounds modern to me, but I imagine a classical setting, so it struck me as a bit odd.

 

I'm wondering what all the testing and aggression was about at the beginning, because once Hellas and the Keeper get down to talking about the information, the Keeper just spills everything without the slightest hint of malevolence, threat, grudging-ness, etc. I felt that it could be two guys talking in a bar. “Okay. Well, thanks, I guess

 

I need to know,’ he called into the darkness, his voice reverberating off the rocks. ‘You knew me from before, before I was Hellas. Who was I?” – I felt this came out of nowhere. I don’t remember Hellas agonising over his identity before. Maybe he did and I forgot in passing.

 

So, in summary, I started to struggle here, but I think it arose from things that have been tagging along for a while, mainly my lack of connection with Hellas. The big wet wish to the face was the riddles in the dark though. I'm not sure there is much more to say. I shall keep on reading in any case, but as noted I don’t feel connected to Hellas, or invested in what happens in the story one way or another. In relation to the riddle scene, I think Tolkien long ago took ownership of a scene like that. I think it would need to offer something significantly different / innovative to set it apart from the classic scene and not to draw unfavourable comparisons.

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Thanks for the feedback Robinski. 

 

I guess what I'd like to know is what can I do to make Hellas a better character? What do you believe is the most pressing issue to resolve?

 

I delve a little into his motivations and such in the next chapter I'm going to submit, so hopefully that gives him a little more fleshing out. The problem I had was that I didn't want to resort to navel gazing or an inner monologue to flesh out the character; I prefer having characters converse. Scrios knows Hellas really well and thus knows his motivations, but I guess I could add a few tidbits here or there. 

 

Really, riddles in the dark? This is straight out of The Hobbit and this is where you lost me.

 Haha, I never made the connection between the two. I guess the focus on the riddle in this instance is that the Keeper is trying to coax Hellas into remembering his past identity, which I thought was quite different from what Gollum did to Bilbo in the Hobbit. The aim was never to make it difficult for Hellas to solve the riddle, but for it to shed some light on his past, and his history with the Keeper especially. I'll see if I can make it slightly more unique, though

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"I didn't want to resort to navel gazing or an inner monologue to flesh out the character; I prefer having characters converse."

 

That might be part of it, thinking about it. I sometimes find Hellas' dialogue a bit naive, and his conversations skipping along to the next action without much consideration of the implications.

 

You said "I didn't want to resort to navel gazing or an inner monologue to flesh out the character". I think a bit of navel gazing might not be a bad thing. It's not an easy thing to convey pain, guilt and regret in dialogue, and most authors utilise inner thoughts (no doubt in moderation), to do this quickly. It also allows you to throw in whatever subject you want without it having to come up in conversation, which can take a bit of contrivance to get into the discussion.

 

Hope that 5 cents is useful!

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