Scholomancer Chapters 56, 57, 58 and 59 5230 words (L, V)

[rdpulfer]

Robert Renfield betrayed his Master Dracula and left him at the bottom of the ocean. One year later, the hunters of Westenra continue the search for Dracula, unaware of their development. Their lead agent, Stephanie Van Helsing, is suffering from mysterious visions and soon finds herself on the run after being framed for the death of a colleague. Tracking down Renfield, she is eventually brought before the Council, a group of monsters who opposed Dracula. Alongside the werewolf Bannister, the Bride of Frankenstein Evelyn and the mummy Rewer, Stephanie and Renfield find the Wisdom of Solomon responsible for triggering Stephanie's visions. 

 

After finding the scroll, they are attacked by rogue hunters sent by Stephanie's treacherous mentor Irving. Stephanie is forced to kill one of them to protect her allies. When more hunters arrive, Renfield provides a distraction while the others escape, planning to move the Wisdom of Solomon to a secure location. However, Stephanie is betrayed by Rewer - revealed to the be the Buyer - while the hunters catch up with Renfield, who escapes after learning of Rewer's treachery. Meanwhile, the captive Stephanie talks to Irving about the impending Scholomance and is apparently able to fool her captors into thinking she is having a vision. Though Irving discovers her ruse, Stephanie is able to escape, drugging Irving with the sedative meant for her. Meanwhile, Renfield and his allies plan to lure the hunters to the ceremony to stop the Scholomance.

 

(Apologies for the length, but this is the climax of the book, with the next week the aftermath and conclusion.)

[smgorden]

Chapter 56

 

"holding the unrolled Scroll of Solomon at his pelvis". Can he he read it when he's holding the scroll down there?

 

"Stephanie had to make sure she was averting her eyes away from the Solomon"

averting and away are redundant. Consider "Stephanie has to make sure she averted her eyes from the Solomon"...

 

"She quietly moved to the back of the group. This was one question I didn’t need to answer directly." What does that mean? Did she need to answer it indirectly? Unclear.

 

"Don’t worry about it. I believe this is why we part ways, Mr. Rewer,"

Did you mean "this is where we part ways" ?

 

Comprehension note: I like how this chapter with the red-robes unfolds. The back-and-forth of control over the situation. However, I'm confused about the revelation of oil as the dead, and how that relates to Rewer's power. I wonder if this has been explained before, or if Rewer being able to twist his wrist off "as if was popping the cap off an invisible jar" and then make large hands out of grass and dirt is somehow related to oil. Is there a connection? If there is no connection, I'm confused as to why the oil comment is relevant.

 

Chapter 57

 

"It was as if the earth itself fashioned itself a body made of dirt and clumps of grass and started walking down the street." When you write "the earth itself", I imagine the whole entire planet. But that doesn't sound like what you want. Also, "dirt and clumps of grass" is sod, if you'd like a simplification there. Consider "It was as if the ground had fashioned itself a body of sod and started walking down the street."

 

"Doesn's look like anyone's home." "They must have already started" "Doesn't look like they got very far." "They were apparently interrupted" "Apparently Rewer's command extends to fossil fuels."

Clunky dialog. All the "doesn't look like" and "apparently" creates a weird rhythm. You might try speaking through this section to find a more natural flow. 

 

"I guess he didn’t take getting laid off that well." Contains the phrase "getting laid" (which makes parsing the text difficult, because that's the phrase you're intending to communicate) It's awkward. Consider simplifying phrasing. "I guess he's pissed off." or something direct like that.

 

How does a flare gun consume everyone in a field? Is it a magic flare gun? Something previously established?

 

Chapter 58

 

"She’d ever pass out for exhaustion or go out swinging when she was cornered. At least I’ll go out swinging, like a Van Helsing." This looks like typos. Repetition of 'go out swinging'. I can't parse the first sentence here. Consider rephrasing.

 

Another instance of "She was ready to go out swinging - ". Consider removing duplicates.

 

"It crashed the ground, the impact making it unmistakable from the earth which had spawned it." Do you mean "making it indistinguishable from the earth"?

 

Remarks on the story itself:

Golems for the win. Raising the stakes and watching everybody deal with that is great. Alas, poor Renfield! The controversy over working with enemies against a common foe- good stuff there. Oh man- those flame-retardant robes! Whew! But alas, Poor Renfield (again). Your chapter endings are engaging. The pace has picked up, and it seems like you know right where the story is going. And now I'm eager to see to the conclusion. Well done! Can't wait.

[rdpulfer]

Thanks smgorden. The concept I had was that Rewer, as a necromancer (which I don't think I ever really spelled out in that exact term) could control the oil running through the fields since oil is basically made largely of dead organisms. I'm not sure if this is clear or really tracks, but I'm glad that the golems are definitely working. Since they are powered by oil, they are definitely flammable, which is why they explode so much. 

Edited January 12, 2016 by rdpulfer

[smgorden]

There are few hints given in the next chapters. But at the moment the first golem activity happens, it's unclear about the golems being controlled by oil. It's clear by the way he talks that oil is very important. But I generally think of oil being a hidden resource where drilling is involved to access it. If I follow this line of thinking. I'll wind up questioning a lot of things about the process. Be sure you're clear about the kinds of magic this guy can do, so we buy into it early, and go on the intended ride rather getting stuck on details. Because the ride is cool!

[king007]

Pg1 : ‘ She glanced from her left to her right. Red robed nut-jobs brought up every side like some twisted Satanic choir.’ I think the transition between the two sentences should be smoother here rather than two seperated clauses. Also the first one could be worded better like « she glanced left and right » , because the action already suggests that it flowed from one direction to the other and you avoid repeating « her » twice.

 

Pg1 : ‘The red robes turned pink as a bright lightning flash five feet away bathed their fabric in magnesium scarlet.’ I’m not sure that word is the proper word to use here because it suggests a soft action over an extended period of time while the flashes of lightning are abrupt and fast.

 

Pg1-2 : ‘Steeling herself once more, she waited for the next lightning bolt to strike in at the center of the group and bring with it their infernal teacher.’  You already used the verb “wait” in the previous sentence and it’s such a neutral verb that conveys no emotion whatsoever, I suggest replacing it with “anticipate” or adding “in anticipation”. And I didn’t like the last expression; I think the meaning could be conveyed in a more majestic way befitting of the event. For example: ‘…at the center of the group and bring forth their infernal lord’ or something like that.

 

Pg2 : ‘One minute passed. Then three and finally five.’ I think this is a really sad way of saying it. It’s a great opportunity to emphasize on their bewilderment and make the reader clench his teeth in anticipation but you just rushed over it. Shame on you

 

Pg2 : ‘Rewer looked at the assembled group, from the first red-robbed figure all the way to the back. All the way to her.’ I didn’t read the previous chapter so I’m not sure about the context but it sounds to me like she’s hiding and Rewer still hasn’t found out about her. So when you make a point of repeating that expression twice and putting the emphasis on Stephanie’s location the second time, it seems to me like Rewer is going to notice her and react, but that just didn’t happen in the following part so I’m brought to believe that he did not notice her which contradicts the meaning that your choice of words brought me to understand. I suggest rephrasing it this way: ‘… all the way to the back where Stephanie was hiding’ then if could express her nervousness about him finding her out.

 

This is all I could manage to critique for the moment. I hope to do a bit more later.

Except for a few small bumps here and there, I generally like the smooth flow of your writing and I’m inclined to read further.

I’d appreciate it if you also gave me some feedback here.

Edited January 12, 2016 by king007

[rdpulfer]

Thanks smgorden - I made a note to explain how the golems work in the rewrite. I think I also need to emphasize that Rewer is a necromancer (for some reason I avoided this word in the first draft) and that he has control over all things dead.

 

I also appreciate the critique, king007. I think I need to clean up the language in more than a few places in the novel. Thanks for jumping in. I'll be sure to give you some feedback. Don't be afraid to post any short stories or chapters in this forum if you want additional feedback - we're not (too) scary! 

[Robinski]

Okay. I liked the pace, things were skipping along as I think they should at this stage in the story, but I was very disoriented by the blocking, where the characters are relative to each other and the landscape. Renfield is heading out into the desert then he’s suddenly right on top of Rewer. The others were standing in front of Rewer at the end of a chapter, but they’re way down in a valley when Renfield confronts Rewer, but then they’re right in front of him. I really think this needs tightened up a good deal.

 

I liked the exchange between Steph and Jason – that felt real and had good tension, I thought. I also liked that Rewer has eaten the scrolls, but I think the threat of that could be dialled way up. To me, it feels like he’s threatening the individual characters, not the world as we know it.

 

So, is it one more week to go or two? I'm guessing one, as it feels like we’re right on top of the ending. My main comment though, is more threat, more threat. A handful of golems is not making me quake in my boots.

 

To close, in all of this, my frustration with grammar and blocking comes from a place of enjoying lots of other elements of the story and wanting it to hang together better in some of the basic writerly things – like grammar and blocking.

 

Excited for the ending and wanting it to be huge(ly satisfying). 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------

 

Hmm, I'm having rather confused thoughts about now. Stephanie knows they are trying to summon the devil, and that it could happen with the next lightning strike, but she’s hanging back to see what happens? I know she will expose herself, but it seems to me that the stakes are so high here that she might be thinking she needs to risk it all for the sake of mankind, or is she not willing to sacrifice herself?

 

Then again, wasn’t it established that they need the Solomonari for the purposes of the ceremony? If that’s the case, why didn’t she hightail it in the opposite direction as fast as she could go, or go to ground somewhere so as to stymie there ceremony? Maybe I have remembered incorrectly.

 

Supplementary: If they needed the Solomonari, why did they start without her being secure and waiting at the side to be brought in? It’s Stephanie, right?

 

All these questions asked, I did like the tension in the start of this submission.

 

“Then perhaps its it’s best”

 

“The Solomonari couldn’t have gotten far”

 

“I believe this is why where we part ways” – I think.

 

“...standing by the unconscious Irving(?) drew (levelled?) their automatic weapons on (at) Rewer, their safeties falling...”

 

“like a man unexpectedly asked to foot the bill at a restaurant” – rofl

 

“not when you failed to see to do your due diligence.?” – not a question.

 

“his patient patience clearly waning”

 

The scene with the earth monsters needs tightened up. There are grammar points and awkward word choices that bothered me, numerous enough that I thought to just cover it in a blanket comment rather than pick them all out.

 

I didn’t notice Stephanie starting to run, the first indication seems to be her keeping running. Also, I don’t know why all the red-robes are scattering and running instead of just making a space for the golems. I would imagine they would be scared enough to turn and run.

 

“A Quaris SUV squealed (spun) its tires tyres” – Tyres aren’t going to squeal on dirt, need a tarmac road.

 

“take aim of at the golem”

 

“long, pointed rocket-propelled grenade” – it’s not a specially –shaped RPG. You wouldn’t say ‘a curved, yellow banana’.

 

Evelyn, Bannister and Renfield are making comments based on knowledge they don’t have. Also, their motivations seem confused. Why are they here? To stop Rewer, to save Stephanie? To help Stephanie stop Rewer? I don’t think it’s clear what they’re trying to achieve now.

 

When Renfield torches the golems near him, I think a reminder about the oil would help left the tension just before he fires. Good end to this chapter, but I'm not sure why the golems zeroed in on Renfield suddenly, it felt a bit convenient for the story.

 

Again, I'm not sure what Rewer is trying to achieve witih all these golems running around – it seems like they’re just trying to kill everyone, which doesn’t seem very constructive. It also seems like the threat of the devil is gone, so the stakes are dialled way down to the personal safety of individuals.

 

Repetition of ‘go out swinging’, once in narrative and once in internal monologue.

 

 “she really doubted the daggers were going to cut it” – Lol, I get it.

 

As I understand it (although I have my doubts) chickens (traditionally) run around when their heads are chopped of, they don’t fall over.

 

“the impact making it unmistakable indecipherable from the earth which had spawned it” – is usually the form of this expression.

 

“but not completely surrounding surrendering whatever suspicions remained”

 

“I’m standing right here” – this repeats the quip / gag that Stephanie made seconds before. It feels like unwelcome repetition so soon after the last time.

 

“they’re the only ones who can help us stop this” – Stop what? It’s unclear what is at stake now – I think.

 

“she breezed breathed a sigh of relief”

 

“Why, she seemed unsure” – She can’t seem unsure, it’s her pov.

 

“Andy walked a cautious several yards between both individuals, his wariness obviously apparently,” – I wouldn’t feed this sentence to my dog for his breakfast   ;op

 

“What is it you really want to say, in case we don’t get a chance?” – Good line, and I liked the short scene between Jason and Stephanie. It felt true.

 

“emaciated figure at least three hundred feet away” – this is not far away, 30 yards, it’s like the other side of the street-ish. The context sounds like it’s meant to be further.

 

“I’m with the cremhole on this.” – lol

 

“those days were far, far over” – long, long gone is more conventional – this version sounds off.

 

“like tides at the sea” – this image confuses me – I can’t picture how the golems are rising.

 

I like that Rewer has eaten the scolls – that was unexpected, for me. I think you could have dialled up the horror of it. I was curious that he seemed to be alone, unguarded, but the character did not seem to think it significant.

 

“sparkling embers died out” – was the robe burning? Where were the embers? I see we’re with Renfield, but I thought at first that the robe was lying on the ground. I think the blocking at the start of this chapter could be improved.

 

“it had at least shielded him from the blast” – Okay, I can buy that. I think you could have dialled-up the description of Renfield being bathed in flame back at the attack, so it really sounds like he’s torched, which I didn’t really invest in at the time, because we were away from it so quickly.

 

“Renfield hasted hastened his step”

 

“Two yards later” – that’s one-and-a-half steps – like nothing – seemed odd. He must have been practically standing on top of the corpse.

 

Renfield moves further into the desert then he’s examining the corpse further. This is out of order, surely.

 

“he moved as quickly as he could” – Where is he going? We don’t really know what he’s aiming to do.

 

If he’s lying flat, how can he see symbols on the ground? I'm disoriented by the description here – could be clearer, where he is, what he’s doing. Then suddenly he’s on top of Rewer, from out of nowhere. Still struggling with the blocking.

 

And when Renfield is going to take the shot, the others are way down in a valley. But in the previous scene they were right in front of Rewer. Then Stephanie sees him.

 

“this took me a long time to learn” – It was never about Renfield when he was working for Dracula, surely. I don’t get how that would take him any time to learn – seems like he has always been subjugated – in our frame of reference anyway.

 

“Renfield recognized his mother immediately. He finally recognized her” – these statements seem directly opposed.

Edited January 13, 2016 by Robinski

[Mandamon]

I have many of the same responses as the others here.  

So this just occurred to me:  Why is Rewer doing this? He's already immortal, for all we can tell, and he's obviously got power already.  Why does he need the ritual?  What does he gain from it (aside from raising dirt-golems, which aren't really useful except for punching things).

 

This definitely built up the tension, but as the others have said, there are some issues with the blocking and thus the fight is hard to follow.  I'm not really on board with Rewer controlling oil.  There wasn't any build up to this and oil is only dead in as much as any organic molecule is dead.  You might as well say Rewer can control plastic, or cars, or picked vegetables.  If you foreshadow and explain beforehand, I'll have a much easier time believing it.

 

 

Notes:

pg 1: "Stephanie knew where the next one would land."

--She does?

 

pg 2: “The Solomonari has escaped!” Rewer’s face contorted into a snarl."

--Following from the comments last week, Rewer really should have had all the components of the ritual in place before he started.

 

pg 3: "His already sunken features seemed to wince."

--did it or didn't it?

 

pg 3: "The Solomonari could have gotten far"

--could not have

 

pg 3: "After tonight’s failure, the Scholomance just isn’t a viable option anymore.”

--It hasn't failed yet, and this guy is really quick to jump ship when surrounded by monsters who could easily kill him.

 

pg 4: "The two guards standing by the unconscious drew their automatic weapons on Rewer"

--so I'm assuming they had already planned to betray Rewer from the start?

 

pg 5: "failed to see to your due diligence?”"

--failed to do...

 

pg 6: “In short, the dead.”

--weeeellll...I guess you could say that.  Comparing oil to the dead is sort of like saying we're all made of exploded stars.

 

pg 6: "miniature mud slight 

--mud slide?

 

pg 10: "I guess he didn’t take getting laid off that well.”

--Did they know this happened?

 

pg 11: "from his own body"

--Whose body?  Rewers?

 

pg 12: "The golem’s claw began to descend"

--I don't have a good picture of the blocking here.  You mentioned the golems coming from the earth, and they they're towering over Renfield.  I missed where they started to move around.

 

pg 14: "only to see the golem’s face, sending chunks of mud and dirt flying into the air. "

--missing what happened to the golem

 

pg 17: "That was all Jason said before he walked away. 

--yeah, I really don't like him.

 

pg 18: "She looked to Jason at least, unable to withstand the harsh new realities of his gaze for very long."

--Nope.  The hard warrior you've showed us Stephanie to be isn't going to wilt under this jerk's gaze.

 

pg 21: "“You are kind of an cremhole, dude.” He said."

--Lol.

 

pg 28: "Renfield recognized his mother immediately. He finally recognized her"

--seems contradictory

[king007]

Pg2 : « This isn’t going to be good.”

--Lots of “go” sounds there, how about this instead: “this is not looking good” or “this is not going to end up well”

 

‘“A problem?” Rewer gave a sardonic laugh.’

-I don’t see how anyone would laugh in this situation, even in mockery.

 

«Stephanie was surprised his whole face didn’t collapse in »

--I don’t think that’s a proper expression.

 

“The Solomonari couldn’t have gotten far.”

 

“You yourself boasted to the Board of about her resourcefulness”

 

“The man’s lips turned into a weak smile.”

 

Pg3: “You understand nothing,” Rewer said interrupted.

 

“I can see why you’re frustration frustrated.”

 

“The man said. The two guards standing by the unconscious drew their automatic weapons..”

 

Pg6: “The shape of two large hands comprised entirely of dirt and grass pulled itself up formed up and emerged.”

 

“The second guard began to fire, until a miniature mud slight drowned him a second later, as a second creature literally amassed a top of him.”

--Honestly, this is an awful wording.

 

“The man backed away, with every one of the red robes clearing a path for the man, each trying to avoid Rewer’s gaze.”

--How about this instead: “The red robes cleared a path, as the old man backed away, each one avoiding Rewer’s gaze.”

 

That’s all I could do for the writing revision. Now I’m going to comment on the story itself.

 

Chapter 56:

I liked the tension here. Even though, I didn’t read the previous chapters, I was taken by the evil confidence of Rewer, although I wanted more details on the bewilderment of the old man facing him. I’d have liked the transition between his confidence and him wetting his pans.

And like others have said, Rewer’s should have been overshadowed to make more sense for the reader.

 

Chapter 57:

“Apparently Rewer command extends to fossil fuels.” I actually laughed here, how is that even close to apparent!

I found the conversation, between the three characters, as well as several descriptions to be very funny.

 

Chapter 58:

“Options. The word sprayed through her mind. I need options. Unfortunately, there were no options in the camp that quickly transformed into a nightmare by Rewer’s golems.”

--I thought I said no more comments on writing but omg! This chunk of text made me cringe so much!

 

Some descriptions seem forced and out of place and I think you could get your point across without them or by replacing them with better ones. Examples:

“like a chicken unaware its head had been lopped off” or “reduced to mangled art school projects”

 

I loved the first scene between Andy, Jason and Stephanie.

 

Chapter 59:

I liked how Renfield escaped his death.

But I also did not understand exactly how he fought that golem.

 

Final advice:

The story is interesting, but one thing is disturbing me when I read it: the writing. You’ve gotta work on it man. I consider a smooth writing even more important than a good story. A masterful writer could enchant readers with a ridiculous story if his writing is good enough.

Edited January 13, 2016 by king007

[rdpulfer]

Thanks for all the feedback, Mandamon, Robinski and king007.

 

- I'm actually working on boosting the setting in the current draft right now. I've made a note to clarify the setting in the climax so you know where everyone else is.

 

- I'm also going to up the threat level and describe what exactly is needed for the ceremony and how it's going to happen. I think I might have Stephanie interrogate one of the goons in the woods or something to get more information on the subject.

 

- And lastly, on the subject of the writing, I think I wrote this novel way too fast. I gave myself a deadline, which was good, but I don't think I took enough time to get everything down right. I think next time I'll give myself more time and also do a surface edit before I start asking for revisions.