20160111 - The First Majus in Space pt3 - 3596 words - Mandamon

[Mandamon]

Previously, Origon attends a gathering called by the Methiemum species to reveal a new technology.  It turns out to be a space-faring capsule, but the majus pilot is assassinated before they can take off.  Origon happens to be the right kind of rare majus to take his place, and decides to do so.  He loses much of his potential flying the capsule, and barely manages to crash on the surface of Ksupara.

 

Like last time, Let me know:

What bores you

What confuses you

What you don't believe

What is cool

 

UPDATE: from the comments last time, I've adjusted the magic system from using a person's "light" to their "song," using the notes that make up their own existence to create the change.  Let me know if it works for you.

 

Thanks!

[rdpulfer]

- I really like Origon's attitude. He may not be very likeable, but he's consistent and it's also funny to see what he says next. I like that he says he's not leaving the captain anything to complain to.

 

- I also like that he's more interested in taking a nap than learning anyone's name - even that of the captain.

 

- I do like the bit about Origon believing his father that every star was an ancestor after seeing the diversity of his surronding.

 

- I'd like some more description of the ball. It seems a bit vague in the beginning.

 

- I do like how you've incorporated the magic system to be defined, to a certain extent, from person to person.

 

- It seems there are more description of Origon's physical features - his pointed teeth, crest and feathers. It may be weekly reader syndrome, but I can't remember if that description was as consistent in previous sections or not. 

 

- As always, I'm really excited where this is going. I like this setting as well as this character. 

[smgorden]

Origon almost laughed.

Be careful with 'almost' as a stand-alone descriptor. Does this mean he laughed a little bit? Did he decide not to laugh? Did he react in some other way? 'almost' only says what didn't happen.

 

"Origon watched the ball expanding slowly but surely.  He had never seen anything like it.  It was not affected by Ksupara's pull as were the other objects in the capsule."

I'm confused by "not affected... as were the other objects". Does this mean other objects are OR aren't affect by Ksupara's pull? If the latter, consider "It was not affect by Ksupara's pull as the other objects were."

 

"Holy Vish!" I like this exclamation. Just sounds fun to say.

 

"It was as if the sphere was planted in the air, grown from a child's rubber ball and inflated like a balloon." Consider "grown from the size of...". The phrase "from a child's rubber ball", by itself, could create all sorts of erroneous visualizations that distract, such as a literal floating rubber-ball with a sphere growing out of it like a house plant (reinforced by previous use the word 'planted'). Any number of ways to clear that up for visual readers.

 

Walls that are now floor and floors that are now walls. Phrasing is strange around this. It might be enough to describe the scene where the craft has been reoriented once, in detail. It doesn't help me visualize the text when I read phrases like "He felt his shoulder slide along the steel former floor". Consider "slide along steel". or "along a steel panel" or some specific that doesn't keep referring to what it used to be in its previous orientation. 'Former floor' is clunky.

 

The Cool stuff: This dangerous ball of draining... that's a neat situation. It raises questions about what a majus is able to do, and why (aside from general fatigue) the usual song powers aren't functioning as expected. Intriguing stuff!

[Robinski]

Yup, yup. Good section. I can see some of the changes, I like them. Some observations below, principally, I felt that the tension could have been ratcheted up with the introduction of more of a ticking clock from the expansion of the void. I never really felt I had a sense of how big it was (I see I'm not alone in that) and how much space was remaining for the people.

 

I also wanted more from the captain on his departure. It didn’t feel very captainly, and he did have a speaking part up to that point.

 

Nice job – more please!

 

---------------------------------------------------

 

“buried in the earth of the planet” – why did I think it was a moon?

 

“we will make due do”

 

“The tanks of fresh air” – Seems to me it’s not that fresh if stored in a tank.

 

“and Origon negated his words” – ‘dispelled’? I'm not sure that he can negate words he has already said.

 

“He recalled he didn’t know any of the other crews’ names, nor that of the captain, then dismissed the thought. It wasn’t important. ” If it’s unimportant, I'm not convinced we need to hear about it. personally, I hadn’t given it a thought to that point.

 

“Kashidur City” – if it’s part of the city’s name.

 

“He walked to the viewport--slowly--hoping the movement would refresh him.” – There’s a nice fragility about this notion. I must admit I’ve experienced it myself when disoriented by illness. It’s like ‘Maybe I can walk this off.’ – Nicely observed.

 

“But by another feather” – This is some kind of oath, I think? It wasn’t clear on first reading, had to go back.

 

“standing on the surface of a moon” – That’s why I thought it was a moon!!

 

“It was the first space exploration of any of the ten species, not counting the Nether, of course. That hardly counted, as it had been colonized for who knew how many thousands of cycles” I feel that this section introduces doubt and therefore could be rearranged. I'm left with questions about the Nether and who explored it, not a sense of the wonder of this expedition.

 

“He grasped one of the panels along the side of capsule in a clatter of supplies, glaring around the capsule, daring the crew to comment”

 

“view window” – what other kind is there?

 

“A person's song would grow back” – This sounds a bit like he cut off some appendage that will magically regenerate. I thought maybe just ‘return’, ‘rise’ or ‘swell’? (Hmm, maybe not.) ‘Reach a crescendo again’ – hmm, don’t know.

 

“Just as Only a few appreciated the weight of air” – First phrasing seemed part of another expression. Also, a few of who?

 

“Simple air, with an application of heat” – Isn’t it pressure? Heat would excite the air particles and tend to disperse them, making the mass of air less dense.

 

“The discord from the hanging mass shredded through the Symphony sounding in his mind” – bit wordy and awkward, I thought.

 

“Origon grasped for the both houses”

 

“With all the song of his existence” – phrasing felt awkward to me. Suggestion: “With the whole composition of his existence...” or “the entire song of his existence” or “verse, chorus and phrase of his existence.” Sorry, I know I'm not supposed to make suggestions but just..., can’t..., help..., self.

 

“This thing was more important than the assassin and the landing...” The question screaming out to me is ‘Where did it come from?’, but that doesn’t seem to be occurring to Ori.

 

“A Drain, that is what it is,” – Is this Ori-speak? It’s awkward, but I guess it’s that verbal tick that he has.

 

“the swirling pale mass, still growing” – There’s good tension in the story, but I feel that the rate of growth is being underplayed somewhat, it could ramp the tension up even further.

 

“The void--the Drain--had reached the wall” – I don’t have a sense of it pressing in on the people, reducing the space they have to move. I presume it must also be consuming air as it swells, making it harder to breathe.

 

“scrambling to gather any necessary supplies they could hold” – if they’re going back to the planet, what do they need supplies for?

 

“hefted a sheet of tarp holding the prone Dipara” – suggestion

 

“The air was escaping into the vacuum around the moon, and the Drain was eating away at both” – Both, meaning the air and the vacuum? Also, depending on the curvature of the drain compared to that of the hull, and the rate of expansion of the drain, it could eat through the hull in a matter of seconds. Further, depending on the nature of the void, I wondered if the interface between the void and the hull might not form an airtight seal. Otherwise, there would seem to be a gap, however small, between the void and the hull.

 

“one of two crewmembers not supporting one of the wounded” – awkward to my ear

 

“many wealthy members of the ten species”

 

“The improvised stretcher with Dipara and the three who carried it went was borne through first, then the two free crewmembers, holding bundles of supplies, then the captain and the doctor, each holding a small pack.” – I just can’t help myself, sorry. I know what you mean by ‘free’, but it also sounds like they are free of captivity. Again, don’t get the supplies. If it was expensive equipment, I would understand.

 

I kinda wanted the captain to say or do something on departing – be reluctant or something. Traditionally, he would be the last one to leave, and he seemed like a straight-up sort of chap who cared about more than saving his own neck – as every captain should, of course.

[king007]

Pg1 : « A flickering light awoke Origon.”  I was under the impression that we can only perceive sounds when we’re asleep, so I don’t see how a flickering light would awaken anyone so that needs to be rephrased.

 

“It showed the captain’s face, close to his. There was a large bruise was on the captain's whiskered cheek.” How about putting this way? “Nearby, it highlighted another man's face with a large bruise covering his cheek. It was the captain.”

 

“Majus Cyrysi?  Are you well ok/alright?” ‘well’ seems out of place here.

 

“Origon blinked and mentally checked himself.” I don’t see why you put –what seems to me like- an unnecessary emphasis on blinking. It doesn’t have anything to do with the mental check, unless I’m missing something from previous chapters.

 

“Slowly He slowly nodded”

 

“Dipara has a broken leg, but thankfully nothing worse, for all she flew across the length of the capsule.” Consider this: “Dipara has surprisingly sustained only a broken leg, seeing how she flew ..”

 

“He saw quickly averted his eyes upon seeing something white protruding from her leg and glistening in the low dim light, and quickly looked away.”

“I will be speaking to the engineers on about the condition of these seats when I get back.”

“You will wait for me to finish with them first," Origon told him, and replied, rubbing his neck.  “I might not be leave anything for you to complain to about.  Come on, help me out."

“The captain undid his the restraints and Origon nearly fell from his chair.” To avoid confusion.

 

That's all for now. I hope to do more another time.

The story seems interesting, but i still have to read further until i comment about it.

I’d appreciate it if you also gave me some feedback here aswell.

Edited January 12, 2016 by king007

[Mandamon]

Thanks folks!

 

Looks like I need some more description to add to the tension.  That and add more description of the Drain.

 

@rdpulfer:  I think I mentioned Origon's features in earlier sections, but I'll check.  Totally possible that I made more mention of it here.

 

@smgorden: Good catch on how the Drain is placed in the capsule.  I'll tidy that up.

 

@Robinksi: Great comments as always.  I also felt like the captain needed a parting line, but couldn't come up with anything witty.  And of course good physics checks.  I like the suggestions on the song.  I'm going to need to play with it a little to get the descriptions right.

 

@king: Thanks for the input!  I'll check out your story.

[Shrike76]

I didn't notice anything obvious on the language front, so well done on the clean, readable submission.

 

P4 - "the patterns of stars were far different from on Kiria" - I had originally assumed that all the worlds orbited the same sun? If not then you could specify that because otherwise this line rings false, or your universe behaves differently from our own. Our constellations (from Earth) look the same no matter what side of the sun we're on and that's roughly 300 million km difference. Even viewed from our own planets further out, you wouldn't notice a difference.

P9 - Drain seems like such a common word, that naming this never before see anomaly "drain" feels anticlimactic, like it should have a modifier of some sort. 

 

I don't know if Origon reaching for his song is a new edit or not, but I prefer it to the "light" he was using in previous submissions.

 

Well, that was tense! I liked the events of this chapter quite a bit. My only gripe is that I have no idea what this Drain is or where it came from, and I feel like someone (it could have been anyone but maybe especially Origon), should have asked the same thing at some point. This fragile urn didn't just show up there so it must have been cargo (and possibly cargo with a purpose?), and if it was in the capsule the whole time I wonder why it didn't eat the urn from the inside. I'm wondering if this drain is going to swallow the whole moon at this point. That'd be a neat trick.

 

Reading the comments above, I agree with Robinski. Now that the Magus' role is theoretically over for the flight, I'd have liked to see the captain taking more of a lead. I see that things are getting done around the capsule, but showing us the captain making it happen properly would have been ideal.

 

I kind of want the next submission RIGHT NOW. Mostly I'm anxious because I want to watch Origon throw a wobbler and take a nailbat to whoever engineered this mission.

[Mandamon]

Thanks Shrike!

 

All the homeworlds are in different solar systems, but can be connected via portals.  Hence the constellations are different.  That's not covered here directly except for that aside, so I'll try to make it a little clearer to avoid confusion.

 

Glad you like "song" instead of "light."  Thanks for the suggestion!  I really like the edit myself and I'm incorporating it into the other works in this universe.

 

Re: the Drain.  I think I need to do some editing before I submit the last section, as I don't think the characters ask enough questions about it.  I'll leave it at that for now and see what everyone says.

 

Agreed the captain needs a bigger role.  He had even less of one before this rewrite, and I'm starting to grow fond of him!

 

The last entry will be here soon!  Glad you're enjoying it so far.  I'm interested to see what everyone thinks of the ending.

[AuthorityHellas16]

Hi Mandamon. Loving your work so far.

 

Again, I think your magic system is special. To my memory this is the first time we've had an in-depth, prolonged look at Origon manipulating the Symphonies, and seeing him do it against the resistance of the Drain is fascinating. I really want more information on how it works, how the majus can hear the Symphonies when normal people can't, how common majus are in general society etc. etc. I just want more!

 

My biggest complaint at this point is that I'm confused about the whole space travel thing.You mention other "homeworlds," which to me speaks of different planets. Which in turn speaks of some form of interplanetary travel. If that's the case, why is the space travel in this book so significant (so much so that the title is devoted to this fact?) If it's not, perhaps make this distinction a little clearer at some point, if only for my dull mind. 

 

Another problem is the portals. When you first mentioned them I thought "why can't they just make a portal instead of going to the effort and expense of a rocket mission?" Perhaps if you inserted a little mission briefing-type sequence early on and explained why the majus can't just teleport people (breathing equipment and all) to the surface of the moon, that'd be great. I suspect they can only teleport people to somewhere they've already been, but that's just me. 

 

I also assume that the assassin placed the urn containing the Drain in the capsule, for hitherto unknown (but obviously nefarious) reasons. I'm interested to see who he was and why he essentially ruined the mission. However, in your mind, did his plan hinge on someone knocking over the urn and releasing the Drain (if it's a reveal later, you don't have to tell me ). If so, it seems like it's not a very well thought out plan if you don't mind me saying. 

 

Other than that, I really enjoyed it. You masterfully wove the tension surrounding the Drain and provided us with a good insight into why it was such an antithesis to everything Origon thought possible. I really like the story so far and can't wait for the ending this week!

 

Keep writing! :)

[Mandamon]

AuthorityHellas:  Thanks!

Interplanetary travel seems to be one of the big questions for this story.  I'll need to add something (quick) in at the beginning to explain.  Basically,each homeworld is in a different solar system, and the species are just inventing space travel.  However, they have an economy based on traveling through portals to the other homeworlds, so they haven't needed space travel until now.

 

Spot on with the portal explanation.  You can only make one to where you've been.  That's why they need to travel to the moon the first time.  I'll clarify that as well.

 

I'll stay silent on the Drain/urn for now.  Let me know what you think after the last entry.