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20160104 - The First Majus in Space pt2 - 3445 words - Mandamon


Mandamon

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Previously, Origon attends a gathering called by the Methiemum species to reveal a new technology.  It turns out to be a space-faring capsule, but the majus pilot is assassinated before they can take off.  Origon happens to be the right kind of rare majus to take his place, and decides to do so.

 

Like last time, Let me know:

What bores you

What confuses you

What you don't believe

What is cool

 

Also, people who had issues with the magic system last time, let me know if this section helps at all.

 

Thanks!

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Phew, breaking out in a cold sweat here with being so prompt with my comments – don’t get used to it.

 

You know I'm on board from before. I may be enjoying the story more this time. Don’t know, it’s hard to tell, but I'm certainly enjoying it! My main problem is with the crash landing and how Origon is achieving the ‘touches’ on the surface without ramming them in a hillside. I don’t think there’s nearly enough sense of danger and risk. If he can’t see the ground or ‘read’ it with his abilities, then anything could happen. Detailed comments on this and some other stuff below.

 

Really looking forward to completing my re-read!!

 

----------------------------------------------

 

For now, it is enough to concentrate on the task.” – Not so much enough as critical to concentrate on the task, I would have thought. I do enjoy Origon’s finely tuned sense of vainglory!

 

“tallying up sums on chalkboards” – wonderful. Sounds much like the Apollo programme...

 

“four times his height across” – know what you mean, but it’s an awkward phrasing – take it they don’t use feet?

 

“skilled in affecting the elemental aspects of air and of fire that the two houses affected” – slightly repetitious.

 

“They would all be back by dinner” – Ha, ha – and it’ll be over by Christmas!

 

I had forgotten the excellent drama of Ori’s discovering that the loss of invested light was, effectively, permanent. This section also reminded me that I was a bit confused first time around about what ‘light’ is. It still seems like something of a contradiction to be investing ‘light’ in the modification of a ‘symphony’ – i.e. using a visual aspect to modify an aural one.

 

“He felt weaker already, and this was only the beginning.” – Great tension-building line – things are going to get worse...

 

“Time flew by almost unnoticed as he put his full concentration into fighting his way through the air, a small sun strapped to his back. He was the capsule. They were moving fast enough that each change to Symphony was distant from the last. It was oddly liberating to be able to repeat the same composition again and again. Yet every time, some small part of him was ripped away.” – This is just a fantastic passage, full of action, tension but educational on the nature of magic.

 

“twisted bonelessly” – I feel there is a better word as I'm quite clear how the captain is twisting.

 

“Through it, Origon could see the bulk of the moon.” – I struck me this time around that there is a remarkable lack of wonder in Ori and the crew (not described, at least) at the fact of being in space. You describe the moon, but not the vista or stars – I don’t get much impression of scale.

 

“if he wasted any more of his light” – Does he still think or the expenditure as a waste?

 

“The Symphony would resist another change, especially if it was of the same type and in the same place” – I thought these were the conditions that related to a second change, but use of the word ‘especially’ suggest there are other conditions. Also, am I right in saying that, after the passage of suitable time, the same change can be made in the same place? This is how I remember it, but that don’t make my recollection correct.

 

“not brought up to majus in the latest” – This phrasing confused me, I had to read the sentence a couple more times to get this. I don’t think you need it at all.

 

“As far as he could tell, all their calculations and buttons were useless” – in what sense? Not sure I get that.

 

So, all eight valves are open, but he’s only using three for the attitude correction?

 

Suggestion: “he couldn’t correct that at the same time, not and stay conscious” – I found the phrasing awkward.

 

“Not many realized how much air weighed (in normal circumstances), but the medium of communication here was nearly non-existent.” – I wonder if Origon should not be more surprised about this. No-one has been to space before, so I felt that it should be a surprise to him, even if he starts having rudimentary thoughts about atmospheric conditions.

 

“He did not have time or attention to spare for the occupant” – but time enough for a wordy cogitation!!   ;o)

 

“He corrected upward with the remaining valves, though they moved more to the left” – I need to see more of how he is doing this. Presumably, the surface of the moon is irregular, with topography, but I get no sense of danger or of him steering. If he is doing this and trusting to luck, I think the sense of danger should be much greater. Any touch on the surface could be their last. There could be a mountainside approaching, touching the side of a down slope could throw them headfirst into a valley. I think this scene should be full of doubt, mortal danger and risk – unless Ori has some kind of piloting device at his disposal.

Edited by Robinski
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- I don't think I mentioned this before, but I do like the setting and that it deals with both the introduction of a magic system and the exploration of space, so I'm really interested to see where this goes.

 

- I like that Origon's confidence in itself feels like an ominous foreshadow something is going to go wrong. It's kinda like when someone says "Too easy" in a movie, but done with much more elegance. 

 

- I would have liked to have seen a little more elaboration when Origon believes "he is the capsule". I can kinda see where you are going, but I think the point needs more illustration. 

 

- I really like how Origon deals with people. You definitely see what he means when he says he never learned the "esoteric" elements of communication when he talks to the captain.

 

- Overall, I'm really excited to see where this goes next. The magic system seemed more easy to follow in action and I liked the suspense you built around primarily Origon's overconfidence and personality. 

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@ Robinksi: thanks as usual for the engineering once-over!  Good points on the lack of scale and wonder in space.  I'll add some more in.   I was surprised myself how short the landing section was when I re-read it.  I think it needs some more lengthening, in which I can describe how the capsule is moving.

 

On the magic system, I see what you're saying with light vs. aural changes.  Basically light = soulstuff.  Is there a good auditory word to express this?

 

“The Symphony would resist another change, especially if it was of the same type and in the same place” – I thought these were the conditions that related to a second change, but use of the word ‘especially’ suggest there are other conditions. Also, am I right in saying that, after the passage of suitable time, the same change can be made in the same place? This is how I remember it, but that don’t make my recollection correct.

Yep, probably a poor choice of word there, making the magic even more confusing.  I'll remove "especially."

 

 

@rdpulfer: Glad the magic was easier to follow this time around.  That was what I was aiming for.

I've had people either love or hate Origon.  Sounds like I was able to make him a bit more likable in his crankiness this time around.

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On the magic system, I see what you're saying with light vs. aural changes.  Basically light = soulstuff.  Is there a good auditory word to express this?

 

Hmm, well, I'm thinking that sound is a vibration or the wave form that propagates through air (or other medium) as a result of the original vibration. Does an individual have a particular sound signature within the symphony? If they do, that's all very well, but I'm thinking then what form does that take as a physical embodiment or essence. It's all energy. Light is expenditure of energy to create a visual effect so, after this rather hurried exposition, I'm wondering how light can be valid as a storage facility, when it is energy that would be stored and light would be generated by expending energy, rather than a commodity to be preserved.

 

There you go. Rather than answering the question, I've ended up asking another one. I really should go back to the question, which I think I managed to translate into 'How do you store, or create a repository of, sound?' Well, there's magnetism as in old audio tape, CD technology and vinyl (both using 'bumps'), but these are records of sounds, not stores that can be depleted... or can they.

 

Vinyl degrades over time through wear and occasional damage. Allegedly, CDs and DVDs are subject to something called 'disc rot' which wiki defines as "become unreadable due to physical or chemical deterioration. The causes of this effect vary from oxidation of the reflective layer, to physical scuffing and abrasion of disc surfaces or edges, including visible scratches, to other kinds of reactions with contaminants, to UV light damage and de-bonding of the adhesive used to adhere the layers of the disc together" - in other words, same issue as vinyl.

 

I'm thinking therefore, that there are two choices for an alternative to 'light' as the store of a majus's essence(?). That there is a permanent record of them as an individual in the Symphony, which degrades with time and use, or it comes back to a rather more prosaic matter or a well of energy that the majus draws on, but which would not be light, as that represents energy already expended.

 

Here is another alternative approach, to throw out the scientific rule book and just start throwing words around (Why didn't I think of that earlier?). Words that relate to the size of sound:

 

- amplitude;

- volume;

- loudness (a subjective scale);

- sound pressure (measured in decibels);

- lots of other neat stuff!!

 

I've gone a bit far here maybe. Having read Seeds of Dissolution, Physical Magic and First Majus in Space (again). I appreciate that your approach is that of a store that can be dangerously depleted, so the degradation of a permanent record of a person is not going to fit that model. Origon is not going to sitting in the rocket worrying that he's going to wear himself out, which would take some time, presumably. So, we're back to a store of energy but, as I said before, I don't think a store of light works, for the reasons stated.

 

Am I overthinking this? Probably. I start to fall back on things like 'essence' (ugh). 'Signature' is a word that relates to sound (or at least music), but doesn't convey a finite store. Tends more towards the permanent record model.

 

If a person had a refrain that was part of the Symphony, and the Symphony itself was the combination of the refrain of every living being, and a person refrain was fueled by their inner energy (there it is again, grumble), then there might be the danger that a person's refrain could be snuffed out, like a pilot light, and never rekindled.

 

Bah, I don't know if all this mince is any use, but at least we've proved beyond any doubt that I can go on a bit, sorry. What was the question?

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Am I overthinking this? Probably.

Lol.

 

I'm sort of in the same boat.  These are the things that go tumbling around my brain as I type.  I originally had a word for the "inner energy:" kelhiw.  But in interest of not having more strange words, I took it out and replaced it with "light" as that generally equates to soul/energy/substance.  There is also the visible aspect of the magic, where each majus has their own personal color, as well as the house color.  This, in my mind at least, is an indication of their light, and the quality thereof.

 

So for the moment, I think I'm also inclined to stay with "light."

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Yeah. If you you start talking about energy, it quickly begins to sound like soul, spirit, essence and goes all squishy and new age. After that extensive research I retract my earlier comment   :)

Edited by Robinski
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P1 - "The first time members of the ten species are traveling in space!" - I'm still confused how much space travel exists. Or was this meant to indicate that the other nine species had already accomplished the feat? I would have thought the Methiemum would have been among the first (you described them as technologically arrogant, and mighty traders, so I figured they'd be more advanced in space travel), but I don't know a lot about the other species' specialties yet.

P1 - "a handsbreath" - handsbreadth

P3 - "The tempo was a military drummer having a seizure" - This didn't work for me. I'd expect no tempo at all from someone seizing.

P4 - "Origon felt his invested light ripped away from him" - I don't know what this means.

In the rest of this there was nothing specific that put me off, but in general I felt like Origon was noticing too much of what was around him in the capsule. Getting off the ground, he hadn't heard anyone speaking to him for five and a half hours, but ere he notices retching, and a chair being tossed about, but I got the impression that what he was doing to land the capsule required more concentration than what he had done to lift off.

 

Reading the comments above, I see that Robinski mentioned the light thing, but your explanation of it as a sort of essence didn't come across at all. Might I suggest something like Song, or Voice, or some similar expression of sound, rather than light, which I agree doesn't seem to relate to the magic system. I'm not sure why they would even have used light as a word for this essence, unless you can show us him seeing the brightness of his soul essence, and then him using it (converting it, I guess) to create or affect the Symphonies. Regardless of what you call it, seeing a measure of how he uses that source to power his abilities would be a fine thing.

 

For your questions.

 - I don't remember being bored at all. There was nothing I glossed over because I found it overly long.

 - What confused me was the magic system, or the cost in light to affect the changes, as noted above. I'm not sure why the changes he's effecting here are permanent compared to other ones, and I'm not entirely clear why the universe would resist change after a change had already been effected. Is it just a function that the places where he's effecting change are gone so fast that he can't withdraw his investment, as you put it? And that itself confuses me, because I'm not sure how you create change, withdraw your investment, and then have the change remain in place. Also the role of the different species and the current extent of space exploration.

- The low tech / high-tech differences are still odd, close to straining belief, but since I don't have a picture of the whole civilization so far I can take it with a grain of salt and assume that it's good. If I see a technology (or lack of it) that doesn't fit with the rest then I'll flag it.

- The setting is cool. The magic system is cool. The species have potential to be cool but we haven't seen a lot of their differences and specialties yet.

 

What I'm most invested in to keep me reading, in order - 1) Does Origon have enough juice left to open the portal home? (I'm assuming he survives the crash). 2) Why was the capsule so poorly engineered, as described by Origon. 3) Who tried to sabotage the mission by assassinating Tejus and why. Staying tuned for the next instalment where hopefully I get some or all of those answers :)

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Shrike:  Good thoughts!  

First, you've got the right questions on what will happen next, so hopefully that means I've done my job there.

 

On traveling in space, you were right with your original thought.  This is the first time anyone has traveled in space.  I'll try to make that clearer.

 

On the magic system, I see I still have some work to do.  

You might have something with Song, as in someone is using sections of their own melody to effect changes in the Symphony of the universe.  Does that make more sense in terms of draining the individual as they do more magic?

 

On withdrawing investment, you are correct that the change only stays around when the majus is actively putting effort into it, or else they have to leave a permanent bit of [light/Song/etc] to keep the change going.  So as you say, the places he's affecting are gone too fast to withdraw the change and thus become permanent by virtue of tearing the [light/Song/etc] away from him.

It sounds like you get what I'm trying to convey, even if you're still confused about it.  I'll try to make it clearer.

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On traveling in space, you were right with your original thought.  This is the first time anyone has traveled in space.  I'll try to make that clearer.

 

Okay, so then what I'm failing to understand is how the different races have managed to gather so far. You mentioned simply getting to the moon once so a portal can be opened permanently, but if nobody's left their planets, how have the species of the different planets managed to meet on other planets before this point? Like, Origon isn't native to this planet, Methium, so how did he get to be here if his species isn't native to here? I'd assume the answer might be magic, but then that begs the question: Why bother with the risk of rockets?

 

You might have something with Song, as in someone is using sections of their own melody to effect changes in the Symphony of the universe.  Does that make more sense in terms of draining the individual as they do more magic?

 

On withdrawing investment, you are correct that the change only stays around when the majus is actively putting effort into it, or else they have to leave a permanent bit of [light/Song/etc] to keep the change going.  So as you say, the places he's affecting are gone too fast to withdraw the change and thus become permanent by virtue of tearing the [light/Song/etc] away from him.

It sounds like you get what I'm trying to convey, even if you're still confused about it.  I'll try to make it clearer.

 

Like you said in the story, any single note changes the symphony, I can see Origon adding his song to the chorus, as it were.

What you say here makes sense, it was just the confusing term of light that led me astray. I know in the previous submission Origon created an effect and then withdrew his investment, maybe reword that to play it up so that this section makes more sense (the place where he invested his light/song is too far away too fast for him to pull out from)

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Okay, so then what I'm failing to understand is how the different races have managed to gather so far. 

 

I'm a little guilty of omission here, as this story is part of a larger universe of works.  Suffice to say there's a sort of central location called the Nether where all the species coexist.  It doesn't really come into this story, but the species all find it on their own as it attracts errant portals.  So there's no space flight as yet because the species can all interact with each other without the need for messy spaceflight.

 

Actually, looking at this, that might be kind of important to understanding why they're sending this capsule into space.  I think it was in there originally, but I took it out to keep from dragging in even more explanation.  I'll see if I can add that in as a sidenote somewhere.

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You got it.  And challenging the Council of the Maji, to boot!

 

Nice. Okay, so what I was missing was some of the worldbuilding that went into the other, longer story. I like what you have though. And given that worldbuilding I'm starting to see how some of those questions I have might be answered. I'm definitely looking forward to the next part of this. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey Mandamon. Super excited to read the second part of this piece.

 

Once again, I thought your writing style was at once accessible and fast-moving. I never felt that it meandered that much in terms of what was actually happening. I like Origon and I absolutely adore the musical magic system. Your use of proper music terminology (chords, cadenzas etc.) is great, and I would be absolutely blown away if you used other, less well-known ones (e.g. grace notes, cadences, arpeggios etc.) I do feel doing that would add a little variety and zest to your descriptions.

 

My biggest problem may come from ignorance, but I'm completely lost as to why the spaceship had to be launched NOW. Given that the launching ceremony has been attacked and the majus assassinated, I feel like having Origon rush into things would be tantamount to idiocy. I guess my enthusiasm for the Apollo program (Apollo 13 is my favourite movie) informs this opinion, as they had a full backup crew in case anything went wrong. Again, I'm not sure if this was addressed or if it needs to be addressed, but if you made Origon the "backup," (thus preserving him being miffed at being passed over for the role) it would make more sense to me. 

 

Onto more focussed critiques:

 

"Origon pushed up from his crouch on the walkway, straight into a run toward the capsule." 

After all of the talking in the previous section, I feel like a lot of the urgency in this section has been lost. But perhaps that's just me. 

 

Around him, the crew--eight of them--scurried to various tasks, flipping levers and tallying up sums on chalkboards. 

I love the steampunk vibe!! 

 

Everyone else was seated in reclining chairs around the periphery of the room, firmly strapped in place.  The captain was pointing to one of two empty seats.  They were both still standing near the hemispherical console in the middle of the capsule, while the seats were each near a bank of dials and metal and wooden levers on the outside wall.  The crew watched them expectantly.

Perhaps you could streamline this section; it feels a bit clunky to me. 

 

If he was not careful and efficient, the flight could drain his abilities to something insubstantial, or even kill him.

One major sticking point for me with magic is giving it consequences for no reason. If you could provide a very brief reason as to WHY using the Symphony would kill him, then I think there would be a little more visceral danger to this section.

 

Yet every time, some small part of him was ripped away.

A very abstract description here. My personal preference would be to show what reaction the "ripping" sensation entails. Perhaps a wince if it's a physical sensation, or panic if it's an emotional one. 

 

Origon raised his head to scowl at the captain. “Did your engineers consult at any point with one of the maji?" he asked with incredulity. 

This comes up before, but I feel this instance is more effective because it's shown rather than told. Perhaps you could consider deleting or changing the first time this comes up.

 

Once again, many of these critiques relate to personal preference. I do love what you're doing with this story and I can't wait for the next instalment!

Keep writing, Mandamon!

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AuthorityHellas, thanks for the critiques!

 

I think I have actually used specifically grace notes, cadences, arpeggios to describe the magic, but in another piece in this universe.  I'll check and see whether I over-used some terminology here.  Thanks for the catch!

 

As to why the capsule had to take off, I give the explanation the first section that the "pilot light" so to speak has already been lit, and will set the capsule off soon.  It would also take them a long time to amass that amount of fuel again.  I'll see if I can make this clearer.

 

Hopefully your thoughts about the magic consequences will be addressed by the magic overhaul I'm doing.  Let me know what you think of the third section, where I've replaced "light" with maji using part of their own "song" (a fixed supply) to create the changes.  I'm going to go back and edit this section to reflect that as well.

 

Thanks for the other catches as well, I'll use them when I do edits.

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