Having a Bad Day?: Get 'yer Hugs here!!

[Briar King]

I never claimed otherwise lol

 

and Jaguars beat themselves in the 4th with those dumb penalties. They HAD it sealed even with only a 3 pt lead.

and this is the best Foles I’ve seen since he took back his QB position 

Edited January 22, 2018 by Briar King

[Fifth of Daybreak]

Trigger warning: tragic death

So I've got a lot to unpack here. I haven't been very active lately at all. Over the past few months, my depression has been getting really bad. Really bad. I can actually about pinpoint the day. It started in November when the company I work for started to change policies. The day I remember it really getting awful was actually the day Oathbringer was released, but the two things aren't related. 

 

I work for a private ambulance company. Back in November we lost a contract for a 911 area we used to cover. Since I started with the company five years ago, we've gone from 12,000 runs a year to 24,000 runs a year. It's gotten a lot more stressful, and we picked up hospitals in new areas that cause us to do a lot more long distance transfers. My average call length from leaving to getting back to base changed from under an hour to over three hours.

When we closed our 911 base, everyone assumed that the two twenty-four hour trucks stationed there would be moved to other bases and our workload would get easier. We always had to have one truck available in that area and attempted to have a second around just in case, but without that commitment the crews thought those trucks would be free to pick up the slack and help calm things down, especially since we've gotten so busy we turn down profitable calls. Instead, they took those two trucks off entirely. 

What's followed has been some of the worst three months in my life. The majority of my shifts I've only been able to get two to three hours sleep over a 27 hour time period before I can get home and collapse into bed to salvage what little I can. I'm terrible at sleeping outside of normal sleeping hours (I sure picked the right profession.)

It used to be when a crew had a shift like this the owner of the company would text is personally and apologize, then tell us to take the company credit card on the ambulance and buy some food for ourselves. Now it's just a regular daily shift. On top of this, I asked for a bonus back in October (I won't go into the reasons why I asked) and the owner not only seemed genuinely excited about me having spent five years with the company, he specifically told me that they could do it for me with the changes coming closing the base, he just had to find a number. 

In December, I'm exhausted, and on the one shift I'm finally getting to get some sleep, I was sent on a call that would take me four hours, and another crew an hour and a half. This was the last impetus I needed and I scheduled a meeting with upper management to talk about poor morale and the increased workload and the fact I had heard other employees joking about suicide on base (beyond what I would consider normal dark EMS humor.) One of the things they told me was my words would have more weight coming from a supervisor. I directed them to one I work with regularly as a partner on my ambulance who agrees with me on almost all points. Next time I talked to him he told me that when he was approached and corroborated what I said he was just told that maybe this wasn't the place for him to work anymore. 

Come January, I hadn't heard anything about the bonus, so I asked my boss, and I was told he had decided against it. At this point, I'm ready to move on, it's become clear I'm sacrificing my health, my happiness, and my future for a company that I can no longer trust to even give me the truth to my face. I started job searching, hoping to get out before something serious happens, because too many shifts i was being sent on a 6 hour transfer at midnight or later after running for 18 hours straight. 

I put in an application last week, starting to feel hopeful. Saturday I finally got my group around to record the first two episodes of the Mistborn Adventure Game podcast I've been teasing. It was the happiest I felt in months. I felt creative and like myself again. 

Sunday I woke up tired and sick, so I called off my 24 hour shift. I hate losing that kind of money off my check, but I've learned to trust my body, especially when it comes to 24s. 

Monday morning I wake up to a text from my supervisor friend asking me to call him. Overnight the unthinkable and yet entirely predictable had happened. One of my coworkers died in a wreck doing a 6 hour transfer at one in the morning after running all day. 

I just don't know how to process this. This guy was one of the most loving and caring people I've ever met. He did relief work in underdeveloped countries, never said a mean word to anyone, I mean, he lived all the values I aspire to hold for myself. And he's gone, just like that, and for what? Another dollar for the company because they couldn't say no to a long distance call at night? Couldn't staff enough trucks that we weren't running like this? 

If I hadn't called in sick, would that have been me on that truck and that run instead?

I spent years of my life in Speech and Debate as a competitor and then as a coach honing my abilities as a communicator. I keep thinking to myself "why couldn't I make them listen? Why weren't my skills enough? What's the point in learning to communicate efficiently and learning to save lives if I can't convince the guys in charge of us that our lives are worth saving too?" Now I know those aren't fair questions to ask myself, this isn't my fault, I understand that on a logical level, but I feel like I failed him in a way I never have when I wasn't able to bring back someone who went into cardiac arrest. 

I had already made the decision to leave EMS and medicine in general, but this only cements it. I don't want to feel like I'm disposable anymore. He wasn't disposable. None of us are. 

I know this is a lot, but just talking to the friends and family I know personally hasn't been enough. This job has kept me away from the shard by making my depression awful the last few months. I can't do that anymore. You guys are like family to me. If you can send me some love, I could really use it right now.

And do yourself a favor, get in touch with everyone you love and tell them.

[A Budgie]

@Fifth of Daybreak *hugs* wow, that certainly does sound like an awful time. I'm glad you think you're getting your mental back on track though, even if it was because of something horrible like that happening.

[Nathrangking]

@Fifth of Daybreak *Hugs* It sounds as though the management in the job that you had was far more concerned with making a profit than any other consideration. That was disgusting of them. It is good to hear that you are removing yourself from such a toxic work environment. Your well being is more important than any job. Stay strong and good luck with the search. We are here for you!

[Steeldancer]

You know what I hate? When you feel like crap but you HAVE to go to school because you have a big test, and your grades need all the tending they can get.

[Kestrel]

i like, totally have the flu

[A Budgie]

@Steeldancer ugh, I know the feeling.

[Sunbird]

@Fifth of Daybreak My heart hurts for you. I'm so sorry that you have been dealing with this crap for months on end and being abused by management that doesn't care if their employees work themselves to death. You are absolutely right to get out, and I hope you find a job you can support yourself with and enjoy.

I gave your post an upvote, but it's more an inadequate attempt at comfort than an actual expression of "I like this post." I don't like that post. It's awful what you've gone through. I hope getting out of that job will allow you to heal from the trauma it caused. *hugs*

[Stormblessed Dolphin]

I don't really feel like whining to people on the internet, so nvm.

[Fifth of Daybreak]

Thanks, everyone. It's gotten a little easier every day. I've got three shifts left after last night, Your support means a lot. 

[A Budgie]

40 minutes ago, Fifth of Daybreak said:

Thanks, everyone. It's gotten a little easier every day. I've got three shifts left after last night, Your support means a lot. 

Good luck on your last few, then!

[Steeldancer]

Freaking damnation. I just had the worst day since I got dumped. 

First off, a little context. I'm normally a straight A student, but some times I get bad grades when I get lazy. Furthermore, i let a bunch of things drop the ball during January. I got several killer grades. Because of this, i decided I need to refocus my attention, as of yesterday. 

And today I find out I got a 63 on my calc test. Now, i thought I understood this. I even actually studied. Now, i didn't think I was going to get an 100, but a 63? Screw me. 

Furthermore, my English grades took the hit from me forgetting to buy a book to annotate over Christmas Break- 2 zeroes brought my grade to a 71 for the Quarter. And there was literally nothing I could do to make it up. 

Everything seems to be falling apart. I'm terrified that BYU will accept me, and then see how my grades dropped, and kick me out. 

This is on top of additional stress from a Culinary class full of people I don't like, trying to get my current homework done, doing the pit for the middle school musical as it is tech week now, not having had time to read in over a month, my parents complaining how I don't spend enough time with family, and me trying to keep what little social life I have together. The only bright spot I have right now is the comics coming out tomorrow, and the shows airing tonight. 

I feel every thing falling apart around me, and there's nothing I can do to put it back together. 

[A Budgie]

@Steeldancer *hugs* I'm so sorry all of this is happening to you. And I honestly don't know what else I can say, other that you seem strong, and I hope that you can push through all of this.

[Steeldancer]

Well, things are slightly better. I wasn't the only one to bomb my test, which means there is the possibility a large percentage of my class bombed it so I might be able to find an opportunity to fix it. Also, the comics I was looking forward to were just as awesome as I was hoping they would be. 

BUT, life never gives up, so now band is out to screw me. I haven't been able to attend my lessons because my lessons always take place during my hardest classes. But now, because of low lesson attendance, my teacher is making it so I have to somehow make it to at least 3 of my lessons every five weeks, instead of making them all up. And I can't make mine today, because I have a lab, a really big lab that I cannot miss. On top of that, I had a joint pop on my trombone that I'm pretty sure isn't supposed to come apart. Which means I'm going to need to get my nice trombone repaired and use a crappy one for the next while. 

[AngelEy3]

2 hours ago, Steeldancer said:

Well, things are slightly better. I wasn't the only one to bomb my test, which means there is the possibility a large percentage of my class bombed it so I might be able to find an opportunity to fix it. Also, the comics I was looking forward to were just as awesome as I was hoping they would be. 

BUT, life never gives up, so now band is out to screw me. I haven't been able to attend my lessons because my lessons always take place during my hardest classes. But now, because of low lesson attendance, my teacher is making it so I have to somehow make it to at least 3 of my lessons every five weeks, instead of making them all up. And I can't make mine today, because I have a lab, a really big lab that I cannot miss. On top of that, I had a joint pop on my trombone that I'm pretty sure isn't supposed to come apart. Which means I'm going to need to get my nice trombone repaired and use a crappy one for the next while. 

I'm assuming you are a high school student. So, how can the band instructor expect you to be taking private lessons while you are in another teacher's class?

[Steeldancer]

2 hours ago, AngelEy3 said:

I'm assuming you are a high school student. So, how can the band instructor expect you to be taking private lessons while you are in another teacher's class?

It's not private lessons, school lessons. Its part of my band grade. 

Well screw me. Despite the fact a full half of the class failed the test, no hope for me. Whoopdee doo. 

Edited January 31, 2018 by Steeldancer

[Kaymyth]

2 hours ago, Steeldancer said:

It's not private lessons, school lessons. Its part of my band grade. 

Well screw me. Despite the fact a full half of the class failed the test, no hope for me. Whoopdee doo. 

Still, how can they possibly tie your grade to something that requires you to skip other classes? That is extraordinarily poor design on the part of the school administrators.

[Steeldancer]

15 minutes ago, Kaymyth said:

Still, how can they possibly tie your grade to something that requires you to skip other classes? That is extraordinarily poor design on the part of the school administrators.

It's how it works. There's not much I can do about it. 

All I can do right now is try to do better from now on. But if I keep dropping things like this. Gotta keep moving. Keep trying. 

I have this dark fear that I won't get into BYU. If I don't... I really don't know what I'll do. I don't know how much I can take of things dropping out from underneath me. 

[Kaymyth]

2 hours ago, Steeldancer said:

It's how it works. There's not much I can do about it. 

All I can do right now is try to do better from now on. But if I keep dropping things like this. Gotta keep moving. Keep trying. 

I have this dark fear that I won't get into BYU. If I don't... I really don't know what I'll do. I don't know how much I can take of things dropping out from underneath me. 

Speaking from the all of the points of view of a musician, a person with an education degree, and a current position in management - whatever their justifications for it, it's an absolutely terrible system that's put you in an untenable position. I have absolutely zero respect for the educators and administrators who are holding you to this, and I really don't care for their excuses one way or another.

[SilverTiger]

@Steeldancer, *hugs* I am in high school too, so I understand, mostly. Actually, that's part of why I am in this thread...

So, I have issues. First off, I don't talk to people. At all. And I am technically smart, and could get straight A's if I really tried, but I don't. I get B's and C's. I have trouble focusing during class, and remembering stuff like assignments and homework. And focusing. Third, I'm like a cat. If I don't feel good, am in pain or feel sick, I don't show it. I don't complain. I just power through it. I never complain about it. It's weird, because my sister complains about feeling ill/in pain all the time.

When things start to go really wrong, I begin to shut down. I ignore whatever's wrong. Mostly grades. My parents get upset, yell, etc., but I just begin to shut down. I have actually just curled up and started sobbing during school because I couldn't handle it anymore. I once got somewhat suicidal, and seriously considered strangling myself (I'm well past that, don't worry). But the fact remains, I don't cope well when I feel like things are out of control.

Recently, I started seeing a counselor. It was supposed to be so I could talk, but the last counselor I saw was only interested in school and my lack of friends. He spent most of each session trying to shove me into discussion about people, and friends, and I stopped going pretty quickly. But this time, it was so I could talk to someone, and get it all out. It began to work. Also, it turns out that I am very ADHD, so I started medicine for it. It seemed to work. I even started to write again, and began a worldbuilding project on my own, which I haven't done in years. Then I wrote a very good story. Things are somewhat better.

But not all. I still feel like I'm sleep-walking through school sometimes, and it's a chore to get stuff, normal stuff like brushing my teeth, done. I just don't want to and then don't do it.

And I have a bad temper, of sorts. See, I don't get angry much. I don't hold grudges, and most things that would upset/anger other people just roll off me. Or spur me to think of solutions *cough*politics*cough*. Not angry. But when I do get angry, my temper starts rise. And I have an awful temper. As in, I don't lose it much, it isn't short, but when I do lose it bad things happen. I don't yell, or start nasty rumors, I physically react. Twice in elementary school I actually clawed (with my nails like a cat) someone and drew blood. The second time there was a peeled-off piece of skin beneath my nail (in explanation, I have very tough, long nails). Once in 7th grade, I sprayed dry-erase-board cleaner in another girl's eyes during class. Those were the two worst to date, but I'm worried that that's going to change soon, b/c I have come close to losing it several times recently. The latest, I "controlled" by digging my nails into my palm. Hard enough to break the skin. I feel like that if I lose it, I might actually cause serious damage to something or someone.

And basically, my life is wavering between a state of "things are looking up" and "everything sucks".

[A Budgie]

@SilverTiger *hugs* I'm sorry to hear stuff is going badly, but it's also good to hear you have a counselor and that certain things are looking up.
I've heard similar reactions to ADHD medicine, however, so...I don't know if that helps, but it seems you're not alone.

[Oversleep]

Uhh... bad news.

So, the story is that I dropped my laptop which damaged the hard drive. I got it replaced, which costed like 350 pln. The laptop was bought for 800 pln.

(technically, 1 pln = 0.3 usd. For reference, Way of Kings costs 60 pln)

Now, the first assessment of the damaged drive is 1900 pln for recovering everything and at least 700 pln for recovering selected files (but price will go up depending on how much files etc).

That's a lot. A lot. I want my files back... but now I start to wonder, is it worth it? My games and music are taken care of by Steam and Spotify, so I lost nothing there. My bookmarks in Firefox would be lost (I wish I had them synchro'd or whatever), all my writing notes (not a lot of them, but I'd miss them) and everything else I had.

I don't know what to do

And on top of that I got to pay 600pln to uni for courses, since technically I'm not doing them the first time.

[Mestiv]

Man, I'm so happy I backup every damnation thing on my computer... If you're interested I can give you a referral link to cloud backup program that will back up unlimited amounts of data from one computer for $5 a month.

It's surprising how expensive the data recovery is...

[Silverblade5]

@SilverTiger That is exactly me. Yay. No longer alone

[+Slowswift]

@SilverTiger @Silverblade5 Me too, a little bit. Hmm.