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13 Jan 2014 - The Goat - Piercing The Veil Chapter 1 REDONE (V, L)


The Goat

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Okay, if you already read my first version of chapter 1 please try to read this without comparing it to the previous version if possible. This is only about 30% the same as Ver 1.0. Tarrito has undergone a drastic overhaul to make him more compatible with the story thread I have in mind for him. 

 
Please pay special attention to blocking (descriptions between dialogue). I have a lot of dialogue in this chapter, and at the beginning in particular I am afraid my blocking might be confusing. Thanks!
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This is much better. I could write sonnets about how much better the redux is. But I won't.

[Addressing your question of blocking, I don't really see any issues with it. Maybe it's a stage history that I automatically have people moving around. Although the description of the Queen's staff--progressively more-detailed--seem a bit clumsy.]

 

However, this seems a lot like traditional fantasy to me, which means it's diatribe time.

 

Oh cool, you've got a protagonist who's a roguish assassin fighting against a corrupt, oppressive theocracy. That's original. Only problem is the lack of internal consistency. He doesn't like to kill "without getting paid" (9), but kills Bylan without a bent penny changing hands. And Galen's reaction seems to suggest that's pretty par for Tarrito's course. 

 

See, the thing about badass assassins is that they don't show off their moves unless absolutely necessary; Tarrito could have easily managed his way out of the alchemical altercation without threatening violence. Now, if that's a character exposition (e.g. showing his propensity for bloodshed or setting up a tragic flaw), that's another story entirely. But if that's the case, it's not conveyed clearly.

 

Also, as Sanderson pointed out, when you're fighting against an oppressive theocracy, you kind of stop believing in their pantheon. So then why does Tarrito still swear by "the gods", presumably the same ones worshiped by Albris? Annefrankly, despite having a lot of action, there's very little plot exposition. We really don't have a reason to like Tarrito or care about anything at all. I imagine the humiliation and sacrifice is supposed to accomplish that, but you spend so little time on it that it really glances off.

 

On a related note, holy balls do Bylan and Tarrito have some kind of situational awareness. Seriously, how is that even possible? I could see Tarrito--being an assassin and all--having a reasonable explanation, but a scribe? No way.

 

I could go on, but I really don't know what the objective of the chapter is, so constructive feedback is a mite hard and a general diatribe shall have to suffice. If you want, DMing is always viable, because I really don't like dishing out a ton of bad without some ways to fix it.

 

On the other hand, seems like Tarrito's black, which gets you disproportionate favor in my book.

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Thanks for the good advice. I shot you a PM with some responses to that stuff. The thing about readers having no reason to caring about anything/ anyone is a HUGE point that I need to address. If anyone has any ideas on how I can improve that in this chapter please share!

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I agree with jParker in most all accounts, mainly:

1) It's much better written

2) I didn't see any problems with the blocking

3) Though it's much better, the story still isn't grabbing me yet.

 

I also like Tarrito's personality much more.  It fits in with his job description better.  I also particularly liked the interposing of action on the stage with what Tarrito and Bylan were talking about.

 

Some other notes:

 

end of pg 1: "The mystique surrounding the incredibly lifelike statue, coupled with the antics of the Queen and her High Sages levitating, and chanting, made the magic seem real enough for Tarrito to understand how the abysmally educated citizens of Albris fell for these charades, though he liked to think that had he been born Albrisian, he’d still be able to see through it."

--It took me a couple tries to make it through this sentence.

 

This is an editing nitpick, but you tend to say the person's name or title over and over rather than use "he" or "she"

eg, pg 4: "The Queen floated next to Renaut’s statue, which had an immense fire crackling between its legs. The Queen’s golden face flashed in the sunlight as she swayed in slow circles, and chanted ancient words. When the Queen stopped moving, nothing had happened. No steam rose from Renaut’s nose. No sound came from his throat. The god had not been pleased. The Queen woke..."

 

pg 5/6:  I was a little confused here.  Bylan doesn't actually threaten to go to Akens, so although I thought the scene where Tarrito stabs him was done well, I wasn't convinced there was enough reason to kill an important informant that could go where others could not.

pg 12:  I'm glad Galen had the same reaction I did--"why the &!*% did you do that?"  I'll also agree with jParker here that Tarrito gets a little too kill-friendly for an assassin that's trying to hide.

 

Galen hugs Tarrito twice.  I gather they're good friends, but it seems a little out of place for a meeting about subterfuge and assassination.

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There were some nice scene setting details on the first page that got me hooked in, but from then on out I gradually lost interest. Thinking back over the chapter I don't think I knew enough about who Tarrito was and what was at stake to be gripped by what he was doing.

 

Killing Bylan suddenly made Tarrito a lot less sympathetic. I didn't feel like enough was at stake to make it a justified action. It seemed like a pretty ruthlessly villainous move to me, going straight to murder as a solution without trying other things, and that ran counter to how he seemed in the rest of the chapter.

 

I didn't know enough about what they were planning to be interested in the first half of the conversation with Galen about whether they should go ahead. Without any idea of what's at stake it was a lot of vagueness. Maybe cut to the purpose sooner?

 

The part where I had a problem with the dialogue blocking was that conversation with Galen at the end of the chapter. There was a lot of dialogue without many beats to break it up. Personally, I'd have found it more engaging if it was broken up a little more with bits of movement, description or even Tarrito's thoughts and emotions.

 

I think this has potential for a tense, gripping story, but for that to work I need more reason to care.

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Part of the reason I'm not invested yet is I don't know why I should care about Tarrito.  I can tell there's a lot of political intrigue going on, but for a first chapter, you might consider either cutting it for some direct action or character-building scene, or leave it in and directly state what the goal is.  We know there are two warring nations, and that the religious figure of the Queen has some sway.  Why does that matter to Tarrito and Galen?  What are their motivations for going to such great lengths?

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Interesting opening, there is a good pace to the writing, plenty of action and the main character is quite the tough nut, not particularly sympathetic so far thought, but that doesn’t prevent him from being interesting. The problem I have (as per the detailed comments below) is with the tone of the dialogue, and also with some of the reactions, which seems very ‘by the book’ perhaps a bit predictable.

 

In terms of the comments from others, (1) Where do we get that Tarrito is black, I didn’t get that at all; (2) I agree with Mandamon (there it is again), that the story does not grip the reader from the beginning, the initial action does, but otherwise it seems a standard fantasy plot which has been done a hundred times before – to succeed with that I think it would need a much stronger and more original/intriguing opening; (3) I agree on the name repetition, very noticeable; (4) I disagree on the justification for killing Bylan, I thought Tarrito’s logic was sound, his contact was under suspicion, there was no way back by that point; (5) I was a bit thrown by the dynamic better Galen and Tarrito. Galen does not seem a commanding figure. His reaction was uncontrolled. He seems very emotional, and, to me, doesn’t act like a leader, but maybe he’s just inexperienced. Tarrito is apparently a knife for hire, so are they paying him to help, or does he believe in the cause? If it’s the latter, I don’t think that came across in the chapter. (6) I take Andy’s point about Tarrito coming across as the villain, that doesn’t make him a poor character, but if he is the protagonist, you’re going to need a bigger plot – certainly some conflict in his character and a balancing influence on the story. For me it’s too early to see about Tarrito, but you’ve got an uphill task to sell him now. Breaking Good anyone?

 

Detailed comments follow.

 

-------------------

 

[Page 1] – I don’t think ‘unjust’ is the right work, is it? Does the blood not belong to people who were unjustly executed?

 

Sorry, but I hate the word squelched, onomatopoeia be damned, I think it’s a word that people should stop using when they turn 15.

 

There are various names that should be capitalised, I would say, sorry to line edit, but it did distract me. Fountain of Faith for one, Main Street on Page 6 and Bay Street on Page 7.

 

[Page 7] – ‘He bumped into what felt like a stone wall. He stumbled and fell backwards. He looked

up, and found a barrel chested man, wearing alchemist’s robes, staring back at him.’ – The three instances of the word ‘He’ in quick succession feels disjointed to me.

 

My image of a typical alchemist is certainly being challenged on Page 8. Strom does not speak like an educated ‘scientist’, which I imagine most alchemists would be, they also seem to go around in gangs.

 

[Page 9] – I don’t think the word ‘prepped’ suits the context of what appears to be a fantasy story. It’s a modern word in a pre-high technology setting.

 

[Page 10] – Room 3, it’s the name of the room.

 

I'm not sure I would use the word ‘knob’ in a brothel – door handle?

 

For me, the phrase ‘...the wares she had for sale.’ is a real cliché in this context.

 

I'm struggling with the use of the word ‘yeah’. It’s a fairly modern form of speech that feels out of place in this setting. It seems to me there more suitable alternatives in most instances where it’s used that would not even need ‘yes’ to be used instead.

 

“You Dianne?” he asked.

“I am,” she said, “Are you Tarrito.”

“Yes.”

 

More importantly, she accepts his word without question – which seems very trusting.

 

[Page 11] – ‘I’m going to make you as good with women as you are with those knives of yours.’ How exactly would he do that?

 

Some parts of the dialogue feel a bit padded out to me, like Galen’s repetition of Tarrito’s line, or ‘What are we going to do now?’ a rather naive thing to say. Galen’s sounds rather innocent, not the streetwise killer that Tarrito appears to be.

 

[Page 14] – Galen’s account of the reason for the theft is a prime example of maid-and-butler dialogue. Galen and Tarrito would have had this discussion long before now, so it only happens now so that the reader can hear it.

 

[Page 15] – There’s ‘prep’ again, it sounds terribly out of place. In fact, I find there is a real modern cast to the dialogue that sounds more like a couple of hoods in Chicago planning a bank heist, it is really pulling me out of the setting.

 

The name ‘Henry Brewer’ sounds in congruous. No-one else has a surname, and ‘Henry Brewer’ is a very 20th century western name, where the others so far have been more exotic, although there was Dianne as well, but that at least has Greek mythology links in the form of Diana.

 

Same comment again at the use of the word ‘dad. What’s wrong with ‘father’?

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Great stuff Robinski. A lot to consider.

 

The thing with the alchemists is something I believe I addressed too early. Even though in the poor areas of every city they are very present and basically control that area, I could have left them out in this chapter because they won't become extremely relevant until later. Like someone else already brought up, if Tarrito has such situational awareness, he wouldn't have made that mistake anyway. He would have been paying attention to everything.

 

The reason the alchemists arent scientist is because they are basically gangs of drug dealers, who control the poor parts of the major cities. They call themselves alchemists because they sell potions that are addictive which contain metals that cause hallucinations. These are easily attainable metals but the refining process is a secret held by the alchemist guild. Because they are turning base metals, that are basically worthless, into something extremely valuable that they trade for gold, they call themselves alchemists. But they are not alchemists in a traditional sense and therefore do not look or behave like them. This will become more evident later on, but again I don't think I need that piece of world building in the first chapter, and I didn't handle it well anyway. 

 

 

The other stuff you brought up are all errors that need to be fixed. Especially the freaking dialogue. I struggle with making dialogue not sound too modern. Thanks though. I have a lot to work on this week.

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I think that take on the alchemists will be interesting, and would work for me if I knew that about them before we encounter them. Knowing something about how they operate and what they do will make encountering them for the first time less of a double-take moment, so I think your plan of moving them further on make good sense.

Edited by Robinski
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