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Reading Excuses rdpulfer Scholomancer 42, 43 and 44 (4391 words) (L)


rdpulfer

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Robert Renfield betrayed his Master Dracula and left him at the bottom of the ocean. One year later, the hunters of Westenra continue the search for Dracula, unaware of their development. Their lead agent, Stephanie Van Helsing, is suffering from mysterious visions and soon finds herself on the run after being framed for the death of a colleague. Tracking down Renfield, she is eventually brought before the Council, a group of monsters who opposed Dracula. Alongside the werewolf Bannister, the Bride of Frankenstein Evelyn and the mummy Rewer, Stephanie and Renfield find the Wisdom of Solomon responsible for triggering Stephanie's visions. After finding the scroll, they are attacked by rogue hunters sent by Stephanie's treacherous mentor Irving. Stephanie is forced to kill one of them to protect her allies. During the battle, Renfield suffers a mental breakdown and brutally kills a hunter who was planning to rape Stephanie

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There's a lot of extra information at the start about the air force base.  I had to go back and look at the last chapter to figure out why they were there.  Jason assumes it, but you never make any transition from Renfield fighting to them being at the base.  I assume they had to pack up everything from the last building the council was staying at?

 

pg 7: "Renfield was gone"

--I don't believe this.  Banniser would have picked something up, unless some other power was at work.

 

pg 9: "“Sinister laugh. Sinister laugh.” Renfield said aloud."

--this is...strange.

 

pg 9: "Several boots rattled through the tall grass like coins in a tin can"

--I don't think that's the sound grass makes.

 

pg 10: "this time he could feel the cold iron band of a gun barrel pressed against his neck."

--when did someone get behind him?

 

pg 13: "Irving hoped he would have just enough time to visit Rebecca at the hospital "

--You've mentioned Irving attending to his wife every time he comes up, but you've never given us a scene at the hospital, or if so, it was very early on.  It almost feels like a running gag now, which I'm guessing is not the way you want it to seem.

(edit: Ok, you do give us this scene at the end of the chapter.  That helps, but he's still pretty distant from her, even while professing his love.)

 

pg 15-16: Irving's confrontation with Sean is strange.  He says he's going to give information, then doesn't.  He insults Sean to his face and then Sean just takes it when the flash drive appears.  At that point, I wouldn't trust the drive to not put a virus on my computer or something.

 

pg 17: "Honestly, the things you can do with a werewolf when you don’t have to worry about their teeth.”

--Eh?  Did Sean have sex with a werewolf or something?

 

I'm fairly sure I know who the buyer is at this point, but I'm interested to see who it is, next time.

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Summary first. I like the Renfield took action, but wasn’t engaged /enthralled by his scene with the hunters. I just felt it was off the mark dialogue-wise and action-wise. Irving’s scene with Sean also felt flat to me, lacking spark with some inane dialogue from Sean. In the scene with the Buyer, I had forgotten the aim of their conspiracy, which could do with a (subtle) reminder at that point, I think.

 

I'm still engaged with the story, but didn’t think this was the best submission. The scene between Irving and his wife was good. I found myself wishing that had gone on longer, but I think to do so would have been a mistake. It was good that it was cut short, leaving me feeling a bit down.

 

I also think there’s something lacking when Renfield and Stephanie are not ‘on-screen’ together. It may be because other characters like Jason and Sean lack depth (I think), or certainly interest.

 

Still, looking forward to the next submission, as it’s hard to guess where things are going and what sort of climax we will get.

 

-------------------------------------------------------

 

neatly-made bunk pushed up against the mostly-empty room” – huh?

 

What’s a narrow expression?

 

some very disturbed bums still living on the base” – this phrasing surely indicates mentally disturbed, not disturbed by the noise, which I took to be the intended meaning.

 

Not much had made it onto his pants, and even if it did had, Stephanie really didn’t want him walking around with bloodstained pants” – this doesn’t make sense. There is blood on his pants according to the first clause of the sentence, but the second clause is based on the fact that there is no blood.

 

She ran the moist packets over Renfield’s hands” – not the packets, a wipe.

 

Renfield looked up and gave her a smile back. Stephanie returned the smile” – If he’s smiling back, she must have smiled first, so can’t return it.

 

Stephanie cut her off” – but it’s not Stephanie who speaks, it’s Rewer.

 

I can’t accept Renfied being able to slip out the room when he is the subject of their discussion – one of the four is bound to be focused on him and his reaction, and it doesn’t feel like a big room at all.

 

with a spotlight pointed right at him” – but it’s daytime.

 

I found Chapter 43 pretty frustrating. I find it hard to deal with all the typos, it spoils my impression of the story and when there are this many, I start skipping. Consider how scared Renfield is supposed to be, I find it hard to reconcile his actions and the tone of his thoughts.

 

a message on his computer” – like an email?

 

Irving waited for Sean to give him an opening to talk. Clearly, Sean wasn’t done. He kept speaking.” – This bit is redundant, loads of telling. If you just continue Sean’s dialogue and delete this, then you don’t have to mention it, so I don’t see the point.

 

but the ballistics test seems to have disappeared” – how did they retrieve a ballistics test from the Airbase when Jason’s squad just got there – isn’t that where the mercs were shot? I may be misremembering that detail, but even then, I don’t follow how they’ve had time to retrieve a bullet a run a test, let alone lose the test.

 

clutched his hand in his arm” - ???

 

What the hell is this supposed to be?” – It’s a flash drive. I'm struggling with Sean’s dialogue. Just because he’s a windbag, doesn’t mean he needs to be stupid. I think he deserves more character.

 

to reach around the casket” – What does this mean?

 

I’m going to clean up the mess you made my way” – What mess did Sean make? I don’t get it, and I don’t understand what was on the flash drive. I don’t think it at all clear.

 

Upload a hunter’s file to what? What are there monsters on, did I miss something?

 

He removed a large Desert Eagle from his desk drawer” – sounds like there are different sizes of Desert Eagle.

 

Good luck explaining that to your brother” – Who’s his brother?

 

He made it to the hospital a couple of minutes later” – How exactly does he get to the hospital in 2 minutes?

 

she lay motionlessly

 

leaning up from her hospital the bed” – we know where she is – I felt this was really awkward phrasing.

 

her diamond blue eyes” – repetition of diamond.

 

You seem pretty confident already” – he just said he was confident – needless repetition.

 

Let’s just say I have a lot more than chickens at my disposal” – lol.

 

He stomached the anger rising from the pit of his stomach” – really?

 

I don’t think we have to stand for circumstance” – stand on ceremony? I’ve never heard your phrasing.

 

I’ve forgotten the circumstances of the Irving’s deal with the buyer. I think we could do with a reminder. Am I right in thinking that Irving expects the Buyer to use Steph in some way, but not to actually harm or kill her?

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I liked the scene in the hospital. It helped me understand Irving more.

 

I am in the same boat as Rob in regards to the buyers plans. I am not sure if the deal between him and Irving has been clearly laid out yet, or if I've forgotten what the deal was.

 

I always assumed the buyer was a separate, unknown character, but now Mand has made me curious.

 

 

Pg1:Not much history, well, at least of the United States of America can.

 

 

I didn't understand this sentence.

 

I am fairly sure I am more desensitized to violence, but the way Renfield killed the guy attacking Stephanie didn't seem that insane to me. It was over the top, but I wouldn't think Evelyn would be scared enough to send him home.

I thought Rewar crushing that guys face was just as brutal, though it didn't take as long.

 

 

Pg9:The hot Dallas formed sweaty crystal along his black hair.

 

I think you forgot the word 'sun'.

 

Pg10:“What? You’re not going in the mood to tell explain your sinister plan?”

 

This sentence needs work.

 

Pg11:“On your knees, hands interlocked between your head.”

 

 

I think you meant behind your head.

 

Pg11: He clasped his hands over his ears, blocking him from most of the blunt of the blinding light.

 

 

I think flashbangs are loud, so blocking your ears would help with the sound. But it wouldn't help guard against the blinding light.

 

Pg20: I like how you told us what Irving's plan was in clear terms. Irving debating whether to tell Rebbecca about his plan was a great way to give the information to the reader. I might have missed it before, but until now I wasn't positive that Irving was working with someone in hope of making a deal with some supernatural force in order to help Rebbecca.

 

 

 

Sorry for the delayed feedback.

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Thanks Robinski and rohyu

 

I'm definitely going to make sure Jason gets reworked into a more sympathetic. And as for Sean, I'm really thinking of losing him altogether. He still has a role to play in the end, but if that doesn't pay off, I'm probably going to remove him from the story completely. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

I don’t have much more to add to what Mandamon and Robinski have already said. They’ve nailed my concerns with this chapter.

 

Language: It’s rough again, which makes for some confusing segments to read.

Renfield: I liked that he was taking action, but I’m not sold on the action. His saying “Sinister laugh” really threw me out of the moment too.

 

Holmwood: I also get that Holmwood is kind of a comic relief character, since he bungles everything, but like other comic relief characters in other media I find his incompetence more annoying than funny. Especially considering the incompetence of other characters who are not supposed to be comic relief.

 

Sean: He’s stupid, I get that, though he’s also supposed to be a good hunter. He’s the CEO for some reason, but he’s not on the ball on what’s going on in his organization. Like Irving says everything seems to go past him, except that he somehow knows he had to confront Irving for answers rather than work with him to find out the answers. Why does he know that Irving is behind everything? I was more expecting him to lament to Irving that weird things were going on and that he needs Irving’s help to figure it out.

 

And I suppose if a British Prime Minister can supposedly do things with a dead pig, I suppose a CEO hunter can do things with a werewolf? Though it’s another mark against a guy who already has nothing positive going for him.

 

Irving: I wasn’t annoyed by him this chapter. He acted like a bad guy, taking control of his boss and the organization. He has gathered information and apparently it’s thorough. Though I wonder at the wisdom of just trying to blackmail Sean when playing dumb could have worked just as well (“I don’t know what’s going on boss, but I’m going to find out”) , and he’d still have his cards close to the vest.

 

Stephanie: Oh Stephanie, this time it’s her turn to act stupid. Using a place she and her boyfriend have a close connection to as a safe house, when on the run from said boyfriend, is not the best idea. She stands to lose everything on discovery and it doesn’t cost him anything to at least check it out or to put in a little surveillance.

Her using it reads like a convenient way to get the actual Westenra hunters back on her trail. I think you can do better in how you let that happen.

 

Comma use around said: Grammar issue. You have a number of instances where you use a period instead of a comma, such as:

 “Renfield, this is crem dung.” Stephanie said.

Should be:

“Renfield, this is crem dung,” Stephanie said.

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Thanks Asmodemon

 

I was just thinking about how annoyed I was with comic relief characters . . . and you just pointed out I have one of my very own. I'm definitely going to downplay Holmwood, and honestly I'm thinking about taking Sean out of the equation altogether. I'm also going to change it so Stephanie trips some sort of security feature Harker installed. 

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