Scholomancer 32, 33 and 34 3100 words

[rdpulfer]

Previously Robert Renfield betrayed his master Dracula and trapped him at the bottom of the ocean. Unaware of his betrayal, the organization Westenra continued the hunt for Dracula. Their top agent, Stephanie Van Helsing, has been suffering from mysterious visions and framed for murder. On the run, she confronts Renfield, and is brought before the Council - an organization of the monsters who now oppose Dracula. Allying herself with the Council and Renfield, Stephanie seeks to prevent the Scholomance, a ritual which first gave Dracula his powers and could be used to endow another individual with similar abilities. At a small park, Stephanie and Renfield find the scroll containing the Wisdom of Solomon, only to be attacked by the Chosen - the brides of Dracula. 

[Shrike76]

In the first chapter there's no way the log lights so easily. Any decent-sized log can't properly be lit with a lighter, certainly not in so short a time, and anything small enough to actually catch fire quickly would be a thin dry branch which wouldn't be particularly useful as a weapon. This scene just doesn't work as it is. You'll need to find another way to achieve what Stephanie's doing (Maybe she can light the dress on fire instead or something).

The best part of this scene is that Renfield is faced with the first girl he fed Dracula, someone he's attracted to. Play that up more, but with less of the banter because it really takes away from what should be a very tense scene.

 

I'd been wondering when Bannister and Evelyn would show up. I wonder why they waited so long because I didn't get the impression that they were far behind Stephanie and Renfield. (I'd forgotten that Rewer was there too).

Where did the Wisdom of Solomon come from? Renfield went to a statue and it appeared? Was it magic or did he have to reach into something?

This scene confuses me. I feel like this scene was too easy. It went from hopeless for Stephanie and friends to hopeless for the Chosen in a second, and I feel like it would have taken a more powerful display of power from Evelyn to turn the tide. Also, if the Chosen were so willing to let the others take the scroll because their "boss" (that seems like a cheap word for Sophie to be using) doesn't need it, then why the hell were they guarding it so heavily in the first place?

 

The last chapter is interesting, but again I wish there wasn't as much playful banter. A group of people who've been alive for centuries in some cases are deciding whether or not to destroy a priceless artifact, and the best they seem to be able to do is trade jibes (Really? Bannister's going to kick a mummy lord in the nuts if he doesn't give him what he wants?). It's all very anti-climactic, and I think you can do better here. I like that Renfield's relationship with Stephanie is changing here (She's fixing his neck up, he lets go some of his isolation), but it comes on the heels of his guilt over Sophie and almost wishing she'd killed him. You have a good opportunity here to go full creepy (Renfield is clinging to Stephanie on the heels of a relationship, and a woman, he helped destroy, in order to somehow do it again) or something closer to redemption (Renfield wants back something of what he lost and he sees it in Stephanie). As it is, aside from his not being alone, there's not much here and I think it's a wasted opportunity.

Some good chapters here, but they could be great with the right focus in revision.

[Mandamon]

pg 3: "Sophie drew closer, for once taking her large, hungry eyes off of Stephanie. "

--If she had been watching Stephanie, wouldn't she have seen Stephanie fiddling with something in her pocket?  I thought she had been watching Renfield.

 

pg 4: "“The new Boss is so much more than that wrinkled, inflated Master ever was,” "

"wrinkled, inflated" sounds like a conflict in terms.

 

pg 5:  A log is not going to catch fire from a lighter in a few seconds.  Certainly not in enough time to stop a vampire biting its victim.

 

pg 10: so Evelyn just sets a tree alight and the vampires waltz off?  I don't really believe that.  It seems like a lost chance to show off what the council can do.  The vampires don't seem very threatening, either, and mainly stand around.  You could show us more here.

 

pg 12: "The pun reached a crescendo a second later"

??  pain maybe?

 

 

Overall, I thought this was a pretty good section, barring some logistical stuff.  I think the confrontation between the council and the vampires was over to quickly and easily, but aside from that, some things got accomplished.  Maybe it's weekly reader syndrome, but was burning the scroll brought up before?  If they were just going to destroy it, they could have shot the dragon statue or set it on fire or something.  It seems like overkill to have the scroll in hand before putting it in a fire.  If it can't be destroyed, that's another matter, but the narrative is still inconclusive on that part.

Some of the comedy in the last section reads a little forced, but that might just be me.

Last, there are still lots of missing words here.  Might be nice to do a once-over proof before submitting.

 

Looking forward to what happens next!

[Mandamon]

Heh...posted at the same time with Shrike, but it seems like we said the same things about the chapter.  At least we're consistent!

[Shrike76]

Heh...posted at the same time with Shrike, but it seems like we said the same things about the chapter.  At least we're consistent!

 

At least he knows we came to the same conclusions independently

[rdpulfer]

At least he knows we came to the same conclusions independently

It's also good you didn't come back with conflicting thoughts on the flammability of logs, or I'd been really confused! 

 

I'll find another way for Stephanie to win here, and I think I'll have them barely escape with the Scroll - that way they don't have time to debate what to do with it.

 

I also liked what Shrike said about using Renfield's thoughts about loneliness for building some momentum for the character. Not sure what they will lead to, but I'll definitely take a look.

 

Apologies about the missing words - I usually give them a much more thorough proof-reading, but today I did it while being distracted by a hyper golden retriever and a clingy cat.

[rohyu]

Hopefully my late critique might still be useful. I read from 23-34 in one sitting. The chapters did a great job making me want to continue reading. At first I kept reading because I wanted to learn about Scholomanc, but now I want to know all about both the details of Scholomanc and who is leading the Chosen. 

 

Chapter 23

I don't understand how Renfield would come back from the dead.

 

24

pg7:”“All open to my command?”

 

 

The question mark threw me off. I think his power is that he can control dead skin/things.

 

It seemed weird that Evelyn secured a truce and then Stephanie was tested to make sure she was actually having visions. I would think the order would be switched.

 

I liked these chapters because they doled out a lot of information. The chapters weren't action packed, but that didn't bother me.

 

26

 

I like how you showed what Evalyn's supernatural powers are.

 

28

This is sort of a side note, but how sure are you that mental illness can't affect only one gender in a family?

 

29

 

pg2: Don’t be silly,” Rewer said, his voice condescending.

“The Scholomance is performed in the mountains of Romania.”

 

 

Rewer's answer didn't seem appropriate. Stephanie asked about finding the Scholomanc, and Rewer answered with where Scholomance is used, rather than where it is. I get that they don't know where the Scholomanc is, Rewer's answer just seemed weird to me.

 

I fell like I missed something important. I don't know why the monster council and Dracula are enemies.

 

I don't get the process that made Dracula what he is. 10 scholars enter, and nine leave, but the one who stayed gained powers, so no one really sacrificed anything. I understand the idea when bringing Dracula back to life (10 scholars perform the ritual, one dies, and Dracula is reborn), but the details of the original ritual that gave Dracula his powers confuses me.

 

I like the idea that Dracula is delaying the collection of his soul by drinking the blood of other people. This would mean if Dracula is stuck at the bottom of the ocean for too long, the devil would come and collect his soul. (Is that why the Chosen have free will now?)

 

Chp 31

pg10:“About a quarter part five. Sun still doesn’t go down for a couple more times, so still time to get up.” Irving said.

 

I liked this quote, whether you intended for there to be grammatical errors or not. It is a pretty accurate representation of what waking up slightly drunk/slightly hungover does to a persons speech.

 

Chp 34:

I'm not sure why Evelyn didn't just kill all of the Chosen instead of scaring them away.

 

 

You did a good job giving a lot of answers to one mystery (Scholomanc) while creating a new mystery (who is leading the vampires now). I like that you are creating mystery by adding new layers rather than intentionally leaving out information.

Looking forward to the next chapters. 

 

Sorry about the late critique. Been having some health problems, but doing better now  

Edited November 20, 2015 by rohyu

[rdpulfer]

Thanks rohyu! I'm glad you are doing better. This critique really, really helps! 

 

One question: when did you get the impression Renfield came back from the dead? He's just a normal human being (well, physically at least), so I want to make sure I didn't confuse anyone with his capabilities.

 

Everything else seems spot on with what I need to clarify. I especially liked that you suggested switching the order of the truce and the confirmation of Stephanie's visions.

 

Thanks a lot!  

[rohyu]

It was what Bannister said on Page 3. It made me think Bannister knew how to bring Renfield back from the dead, but now I'm thinking I just misunderstood what Bannister was saying.

 

“Maybe, just maybe you get the Council to back you on this wild goose chase for Dracula’s get-out-of-hell-free card,” Bannister said as the car hummed to a stop at the next light. “But even then, I’ve died before. It hurts like a son of a bitch, but it’s no big deal when you come back.”

[rdpulfer]

Yeah, it was Bannister who came back to life, but I think I might cut that out. It's confusing and not at all relevant to the plot. 

[Kammererite]

Overall i thought the pace was good and the action pulled me through. The humour/banter was what i enjoyed the most about these chapter. 

 

I thought Evelyn and co. would have arrived sooner as well.

 

The conflict between Sohpie and Renfield was tense.

 

As mentioned by those above, the chosen backed of pretty easily. Why would they be guarding this scroll to begin with if they were just going to leave at the first sign of trouble. Also why would they be guarding the scroll in a public place if they don't need it.

 

Evelyn flips position rather easily fro destroying the scroll and then preserving it.

[rdpulfer]

Thanks for pointing out that Evelyn flipped her position really easily. I hadn't noticed that. 

[Robinski]

I'm putting the summation up front as there are a lot of comments following. Overall, I found these chapters rather dull. The confrontation with Sophie (Sophia?) and her crew is underwhelming. Other than vampires appearing, there’s no threat from any of them apart from Sophie, and she’s been dinged in the head already. I thought there would be a fight of some sort, but there was next to nothing. Not saying you needed a fight, but there wasn’t nearly enough tension, and no sense that the protagonists were in any danger at all.

 

I was a bit disappointed with the dialogue and character interaction too. I didn’t feel the spark of some of the scenes that have gone before, it felt a bit laboured.

 

Still looking forward to delving into the next submission.

 

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“...features of the creature before her” – The creature’s really before him too. Referring to the creature being before Stephanie, distances Renfield from the action, losing immediacy, I think.

 

“But they’d never know unless they kept the vampire talking” – Again, I think ‘he’ should keep the vampire talking – making him more active.

 

“Sophia’s gaze was waning on him” – not the right sense of the word, I think.

 

“Renfield’s fondness with for Sophie had led lead to several interesting encounters in his bed” – I don’t want this to come across as a grammar police action, but I think this is not right.

 

“They couldn’t up and switch sides, especially not for such a long time” – I didn’t get this line. She didn’t say she had switched sides – just that Dracula wasn’t in charge.

 

“She gave Renfield a determined look and nodded” – This seemed quite blatant. I thought Stephanie was between the vampire and Renfield, and that the vamp might notice. You even note that the vampire takes her eyes of Steph, implying the camp was watching when Steph nodded.

 

“on her his shoulders”

 

I found the dynamics of the confrontation (I won’t call it a fight) at the end of Chapter 32 a bit disjointed. Steph took an awful long time to light a stick and hit Sophie (Sophia?) with it. Lot of typos too – more than usual!!  ;o)              Also, I thought that some of the Council were with them when they went to the park. They must be searching around a different part of it?

 

“This is bad, Stephanie thought. This is really, really bad.” This thought is redundant. It’s not funny or quirky of anything, just a statement of the blindingly obvious.

 

“Sophie wiped the blood and grime from her face and licked it off hungrily” – Licked it off what?

 

“no way Sopie Sophie wouldn’t would go down without a fight”

 

“You really didn’t think the scroll would be unguarded, did you?” – Have they said they’re looking for the scroll, or did Sophie just naively reveal its location in the park?

 

The smelling insults didn’t work for me – felt awkward and forced.

 

“Evelyn’s punch was more like a downed power line than a taser” - nice.

 

“ignoring her barred bared teeth”

 

‘Searchlight’ is one word.

 

What?! – No fight?!?! Sophie just rolls over? Very disappointing.

 

“I’m sensing a lot of entitlement issues” – rofl.

 

“Stephanie had a feeling It looked a lot less intimidating than the vampire had intended” – The language in some of these quips is way too wordy. I think you lose the snap and crackle of the lines. And the language introduces uncertainty, which is not appealing.

 

I'm struggling to suspend my disbelief that something SO significant and important would be left in the mouth of a statue in a public park. It’s not just the hidden-in-plain-sight thing, which is becoming annoying in fiction, but the fact that it’s open to the element or to some bird making a nest in it – actually, I think I’d have found that so funny that I wouldn’t have minded how ridiculous it was to leave the thing there.

 

“The pun reached a crescendo” – huh?

 

“is about as much fun”

 

“worshipping golden cows and gathering nuclear weapons” – lol.

 

“Are you sure you won’t be spurned to visions by the sight of ash?” he said. “Then it’s going to be really hard to smoke.” Stephanie said.” – This makes no sense – she wouldn’t be affected by all ash.

 

“We might be burning out own lead” – our only lead?

 

“expected a disgusting disgusted reaction”

[rdpulfer]

Yeah, I'm definitely going to punch up the confrontation and stakes in the rewrites. On further re-reads, it does seem the confrontation with Sophie and her vampires was underwhelming.

[Asmodemon]

Ah, the plot thickens in this one. I liked Sophie and her teasing that Dracula hasn’t been in charge for a long time. Poor Renfield, he really had the short end of the stick serving Dracula. After that though everyone seems to quip and jibe with each other, which stretches my suspension of disbelief somewhat.  I was also hoping for a display of power: half a dozen vampires versus a mummy, bride of Frankenstein, a werewolf, a hunter and Dracula’s prime servant. That would have been cool. Instead a tree got set on fire.

 

Fire: A good log doesn’t burn that easily from a lighter. Unless that lighter was somehow magic. I don’t think it was though.

 

Distance: While reading about the confrontation between Sophie and Stephanie and Renfield I kept wondering where the others were. Last chapter they weren’t that far behind at all, so in my mind they should’ve been there from the start.

 

Vampires: Don’t seem so tough.

 

Council monsters: Don’t feel like monsters, they come across more as bickering children.

 

Loose lips: Sophie is very loose-lipped in this one. She lets slip there is a new boss in town, she lets slip that the scroll isn’t necessary for scholomance, she also lets slip that she knows about scholomance. If she knows about it, I wonder why she and the other vampires haven’t tried a deal with the devil themselves.

 

Scroll: Renfield just reaching into the mouth of the dragon and grabs the scroll just like that? That’s how it came across to me. Then I picture daytime, kids playing in the park, messing with the dragon. Someone reaching into the mouth of the dragon while the vampires can’t babysit it and, oh look, what’s this? A scroll?

 

Talking in quips: The last chapter is having all the ‘good guys’ standing around and quipping to each other while deciding what to do with the scroll. I like banter now and then, but the last couple chapters it feels like everyone is talking in jibes.

[rdpulfer]

Yeah, like I said in your last response, this whole chapter needs to be reworked for pretty much all the reasons you mentioned. Thanks for summarizing everything I need to change though! 

[Asmodemon]

Glad to be of help