20131209 - andyk - Fire in the Blood ch.3

[andyk]

This is chapter three of a novel I'm working on. I don't think this one has any forgotten f-bombs, though it is a while since I first wrote this chapter.

 

Thanks for the feedback so far. I'm planning to pull it all together after this chapter and see where things are going right and wrong.

 

The story so far...

Varus, a legionary in the armies of Rome, was badly injured in a battle in Gaul. He did this saving the life of Gaius Cadmius Murena, a general and senator, who rewarded him with a torc taken from a priest Varus killed, and with an offer of work.

On arriving in Rome to work for Murena, Varus lost his purse and almost got into a fight as he made his way through the city. He then arrived at the house of Murena to find the family in mourning for a recently lost child.

[Mandamon]

pg 2: I'm a little confused with the voices in his head vs. the Torc.  When Varus is standing over the grave, it seems like he had the voices in his head for a while during campaigning, but the Torc's voice is newer.  I looked back at chapter 1 and it seems both the voices and the Torc's voice appeared at the same time?

 

pg 3: I almost thought the daughter was the young wife, she was so commanding.  

 

pg 11: "Varus scratched his chin. Sunlight scorched patches of skin forever reddened by the Gaulish priest's magic."

--You haven't really mentioned his scars except for the wine spilling and here.  I was seeing a fully healed soldier in my mind.  Not sure you told what the result of the Gaulish healing was--how extensive his scars are.

 

Very nice writing.  Not a lot happens here (seems all the submissions this week are slow chapters), but I still feel immersed in the story because you expand the characters so much.  I have a good sense for the family ties, as well as the relation, and awkwardness, between General and Soldier and Murena and Varus.

 

One possible issue is that you mention the voices in Varus' head and, in the first chapter, the eponymous Fire in the Blood, but I don't see a lot of conflict within Varus.  Does he have to keep either or both at bay?  Are they trying to rise up?  I would think Fire in the Blood would lead to some internal strife, but Varus seems pretty chill.

 

I don't yet have a sense of the direction of the story, but I'm interested to see what happens.

[The Goat]

I'm new to the group, so I'm coming into this story pretty late, but I have to say I loved the characters already. I wasn't lost at all. I'm excited to see where this one goes. You did a really good job sucking us into Varus's head.

 

The interaction with the father and daughter was nice too. However, I felt like the girl kind of stole the show away from Varus in some respects. This might just be me, but I found myself wanting to follow her more than him. This might just be because I am not attached to him like most readers because I'm entering late, or it might be because he was completely in reaction the whole scene and she was the one acting and dominating others. I don't know, but it might be something to look out for. 

 

I thought you did a great job setting the mood for the scene at the beginning, assuming you were going for a kind of gloomy thing bc people were grieving. I actually thought it was night or raining the whole time until I got to page 10. After looking back, I found that was purely my assumption based on Varus's thoughts and interactions. Anyway, I liked that a lot. 

 

on a more micro scale:

 

p.4  

"He needs to focus on the senate. You distract him, you let him wallow in grief or in the past, and I'll have you sent to the arena." The arena part seems off. I think it's because the first three parts of the sentence are about Varus and her dad, the last one suddenly jumps to her and him. I felt like that should be broken off into it's own sentence. That and I'll have you sent to the arena part just jarred me, it seemed to skip out of the flow of the sentence.

 

Anyway, I really enjoyed it, and can't wait to read more.

Edited December 9, 2013 by The Goat

[yankorro]

I didn't feel this was especially slow, or at least that wasn't the sensation I got from reading it. Same as with Mandamon's chapter this week I enjoyed this slower more intimate chapter more than the first two.

 

I do feel that the portrayal of Varus is a little inconsistent, or maybe just not convincing. He seems like a bumbling idiot at times. Well, maybe bumbling idiot is kind of harsh, let's leave it at 'goofball'. And I'm not sure that's exactly the impression you mean to give of him, or if it is it's isn't on the page per se.

 

Other than my general impression of Varus's character being a little unclear, I can't find a whole lot to complain about here. The dialogue in both scenes seems to be effective in what it's trying to do, backstory in the first part, moving the plot along in the second etc.

[Robinski]

Another strong chapter, my doubts are almost gone and you’ve overcome my reluctance to read fiction in a historical setting by good writing and strong, nicely drawn characters that I want to find out more about. When I was picking out the next thing on RE to read your title ‘Fire in the Blood’ made me hesitate. It didn’t grab me, somehow it seems a little uninspired, perhaps similar to several established titles. I can see now how it’s entirely appropriate to the story; I'm just not sure how well it would stand out on the shelf.

 

In addition to the enjoyable characters, I like the conflicts that have been established so far. First, the conflict within Murena’s family is not especially original (stepmother and daughter), but it’s well handled so far. Second, the conflict between the newcomer, Varus, and existing members of the household (before he even gets to the guards). Then the conflict between Varus and Rome itself, which is clearly going to develop, but perhaps most significant, and least explored, the conflicts within Varus himself.

 

This is the bit that is still troubling me. He is conscious of the voices, but never seems to analyse or question their presence, and yet I don’t yet get the sense that he is in their thrall in any way, or that he is deranged, so what doesn’t he question their presence?

 

Anyway, my specific comments follow, and looking forward to the next chapter.

 

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Ouch! Scorching scene between Varus and the young woman, in the first couple of lines I wasn’t entirely convinced at the incongruous juxtaposition of him being meek and her being commanding, but throughout the exchange there are little tell-tales to the emotions behind her tirade. Then there’s what she is saying which, despite the vehemence behind it appears to come from a place of caring about her father, and yet also tinged with her bitterness. Well done.

 

The one bit in this passage that I'm not keen on is the sentence ‘Do I look like a sir?' She stepped back, gestured down her neatly togad body.’ I don’t like the word ‘togad’, not for the spelling – it just looks weird, but that sentence stands out for me because of how well written and easily read the previous section is. I don’t know – how about ‘elegantly clad form’? I think that phrase could be more elegant.

 

[Page 7] – ‘befitted’ rather than ‘fitted’, I think.

 

When Murena gives Varus the job description, I was a little surprised that he (Varus) did not even slightly question or doubt, even in his thoughts, the suggestion that there might be tasks that are illegal.

 

[Page 9] – I don’t like the word ‘grabbed’ for Murena lifting the wine. I can’t say that I would grab a wine bottle from a table.

 

[Page 11] – ‘higher peak on life's hill’ sounded a bit awkward to me, and would it not be ‘the hill of life’, which sounds even cheesier to be fair.

 

[Page 13] – Why does Murena reach out uncertainly when he shows no sign of being put off by Cadmia’s moodiness earlier in the exchange? I didn’t see that.

 

When Cadmia calls the wife Livia, I think it is maybe the third indirect reference to her being his second wife. You mentioned that she was his ‘young wife’ I think, and the small difference in the ages of the two women at the burial, but is there anything wrong with say Sepunia just coming out and telling Varus, or did I overlook that?