20131202 - Mandamon - Physical Magic Ch2

[Mandamon]

Here's chapter 2 of Physical Magic.  In the first chapter, Silluka gets picked up for her coming-of-age, but fails because of her "stump."  However, one of the elders takes an interest in her...

Feedback on the usual is appreciated:  What's cool, what's boring, what doesn't work.
Tell me what's wrong...

[andyk]

Having only read the first part this morning I don't have much different to say about this. I still like the way the character's developing, and there are now some potentially interesting people around her. I still don't have a good idea of the culture, look and feel of the setting, though there are some well described details like the elder's study.

 

One specific point - the phrase research centre didn't seem right to me. It feels very modern, when as far as I can tell the setting isn't a modern one.

[yankorro]

I feel like I have to echo what andyk says above. I don't really get a strong feeling of what the physical culture and environment of the story world are. There's a lot of loving detail dedicated to the Chayus and what not, but I too am having a hard time picturing where the characters are and what they look like. It kind of takes me out of the story. Some of the description that is there could use some brushing up like the repetition of the word 'spice' in the sentence: "A musty, spicy smell to it, like someone had just crumbled up a handful of cooking spices", for example.

 

Also (and this is getting a littel nitpicky, perhaps) I agree some of the terminology seemed out of place, like the "research center", or the "room service room".

 

In any case, it looks like our protagonist has her mentor, a sidekick of sorts, and a minor antagonist. I imagine they will be mixing it up with the sadistic jerkwad in the chapters to come, or at least I hope so...

[Mandamon]

Thanks to both of you.  I think you're hitting some of the points I need to work on.  Some of my frustration is that I have a very clear picture of this world, but not a lot of it is coming across in the writing.  I need to add in more description, but I'm having problems finding where without infodumping.

 

Hopefully better description will get across some of the anachronistic terms.  I do mean that the complex is a research center, as the elders serve as the progressive workforce in this world.  Hope I can get that across with some better wording.  Probably need to change the nomenclature...

 

The next two chapters are from the secondary viewpoint in the book before I go back to Silluka, and I'm interested to see what you think.

[jParker]

Two weeks in and I continue to be impressed. Contrary to the others, I actually have no problem with the anachronistic syntax. If anything, it seems like your society is an inverse of Clarke's Law--"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." Why not have magic function as a technology? Any way, it works for me.

 

That being said, Silluka does seem a bit too clever/backbitey for her age and status (I'd say gender too, but I don't know enough about Huaca to claim misogynistic tendencies). While I like it in a protagonist, I'm not sure it's entirely realistic. Again, don't know your world well, but if I'm wrong, you may want to consider dropping a note in the text.

 

A bit sad to lose Silluka, but I'll keep reading eagerly, even more so once you get a good title. /wink

[Mandamon]

Thanks for the contrasting opinion!  You're on the right track that magic is so prevalent it's accorded the same function as technology.  I think this is really the same problem as before.  I have a world I'm excited to share, but it's not all coming across in the story, and that vague thing is what I need to fix.  The next bit has a different structure to it, so I'm wondering if the worldbuilding will come across worse or better.

 

I really like Silluka, but I get what you're saying about the cleverness vs. age.  I'll have to find some way to balance that out.

[jParker]

  I have a world I'm excited to share, but it's not all coming across in the story, and that vague thing is what I need to fix.  

 

Thanks for not Tolkiening. I know everybody says infodumping's a turn-off, but if you've built your world half as well as I think you have, it's probably really hard not to do. So...yeah. Good stuff.

[Robinski]

I enjoyed this chapter, things are coming together nicely and it drew me in more than the first, which I though could have provided a bit more detail on the background and location. That almost doesn’t matter anymore, as the details of the Research Centre and the people in it have fully occupied my attention now. At the back of my mind however, I'm not sure where I am.

 

I don’t think it would take a lot to drop in a sentence here and there that provided a bit more flesh to the surroundings.

 

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Page 1

 

The comment about crumpling cooking spices seemed self evident if the room smelled spicy.

 

Further to my comment on Chapter 1, I'm struggling with the situation that absolutely no-one under the age of XX reads anything. It might be because explanation about the Chayus is a bit lacking, so I don’t see how they can substitute for reading in some situations. How does one transmit scientific or religious ideas if nobody reads?

 

Page 3

 

‘Unfurled’ made me think of a flag – perhaps ‘unrolled’?

 

In Chapter 1, at first I thought Huaca was the city, then I thought country, however you then spoken about Silluka not becoming a citizen of the Huaca, although she was talked about as being an inhabitant of the Huaca. At the end of Chapter 1, however, you talked about Chayus being held by the Huaca, but I'm not sure how a country can hold Chayus.

 

Here you talk about the Huaca being consolidated from separate Suyus. This puts a dent in my understanding of Huaca, but also I don’t know what a Suyu is. Maybe Silluka doesn’t know either, in which case fair enough, but if she does, I think the reader should get at least a hint.

 

A clear definition of Huaca early on would help too.

 

Page 6

 

I see now that the scroll is rather huge, not unlike a flag. Maybe ‘unfurled’ was a fair word, but I didn’t get an impression of the scroll’s considerable size before.

 

This is good stuff here. I'm very interested to learn about the practice of the magic. Following a novice through the stages of learning magic is a well worn fantasy trope, but so far, I think you’re handling it well (with the proviso of the comments that I make above).

 

I think part of the reason that I'm going with the story despite the familiar path is that Silluka is a likeable character. She’s in a bad place, been dealt bad cards, etc., but she doesn’t act downtrodden, despite her disadvantage(s) and she has ceased the opportunity, which I think shows resilience.

 

I found myself flipping back to get a reminder of what the Ampuka was, but that’s probably only because it was a few days between reading Ch.1 and Ch.2.

 

Page 7

 

I'm having a bit of a problem with the slate doors. Slate is much heavier than wood, so the hinges required to make a slate door operate would be massive, and the support needed from the wall would be substantial. Not to mention the work required to produce a piece of slate to form the door. I think slate doors would be far more expensive that wooden ones, so their presence in the servants’ quarters seems incongruous.

 

Arrgghh! I was engrossed in Sullika’s attempts to decode the scroll and now she’s been called away by Hufi. The task that Sullika has been set obviously has drawn me in completely.

 

Hufi’s use of the contraction ‘ain’t’ seems completely out of place when he has used the phrase ‘I had a long think about your situation...’ not to mention other words that point to a more sophisticated vocabulary.