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Robinski

Waifs and Strays – Submission 3 – 151012 – Chapter 3 - 4679 words (V)

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Chapter 3 of Waifs and Strays. Your comments are very much appreciated. Thank you!

Edited by Robinski
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- Okay, I love the title of this chapter right off the bat! In fact, this is what made me want to go back and read the previous two chapters and prologue.

 

- Like the reveal of the Kingsmen and the reaction of all to the fact, especially Alma's sarcastic response (apparently I'm very bias towards this character.)

 

- Parts of page 10 feels like a bit of an infodump. Where is Cwidagth in relation to everything else? The name-dropping threw me a bit.

 

- Covelle seems to share an awful lot to Dyllis. He could be trying to play for an advantage, but it feels a little out of place. 

 

- Overall it felt interesting, but the pace seemed a lot slower than previous chapters, mainly just from the slow down from the action. 

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I still really like this story. It did slow down near the end of the chapter but it wasn't anything that pulled me out of the story or made me want to stop reading. I found the magic infodump to be handled very well and answered some question while raising a few more. 

 

First Sentence: This sentence felt out of place. you finished the last chapter talking about how it look like a slaughterhouse house then your talking about wood panels and beer smell. As the paragraph went on I didn't really get that this was a gruesome scene just a bit of the blood on the floor with seven dead bodies. 

 

Second Sentence: made me think i was going to be in Benam POV.

 

Page 10- Dyllis’s sudden energy was affecting. I might be missing something but this sentence doesn't make sense to me. I was abe to imply its meaning from the paragraph still felt odd to me.  

 

Covelle working alone: Really i would have though as a smuggler he would have a whole ship (i think he said that too) and a crew. surly he has someone he at leas kinda works with in his crew, maybe not on all jobs but a confidant at least.

 

Page 12- ...her actions would main.... I believe you would have caught this in your edits but i think its maim.

 

Magic: This is getting cool and getting more interesting

 

Covelle Reveal: took me by complete surprise.. i wonder if he is lying? I though he was a spy for the invaders. 

 

Talking to easily to each other: I agree that Covelle seams to talk to easily but i chalked it up to magic or maybe a side effect of casters and was able to roll with it. for me the weirder thing was how easily Dyllis talks. She caves way to easily for me.  

 

Last Sentence: So do i Covelle so do i. I was able to figure out the hair in her pockets the second she said catalysts on page 16 if your wondering.

 

Definitely looking forward to the next.

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Thank you, RD, I really appreciate you taking the time to go back and get up to date. The title of this chapter actually comes from the WE writing prompt, and so probably needs to get cut, I'm afraid, but I was drawn to it also. I'm afraid I can't take the credit for it sparking your interest!

 

Very glad you liked the reveal and reactions to it, but I note your info dump concerns, and Covelle's openness. I'm sure you're right. I feel that I've learned a lot about these characters in the course of writing 30 chapters, and will no doubt adjust some of their reactions when I start editing at the beginning.

 

Yeah, pacing, I hear you. It's a big chunk 'sequel', I suppose, and trimming Covelle's reveal might help with that. I certainly don't want to bring things down too far.

 

Excellent comments, as ever. Much appreciated.

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Thank you, Kammererite, very helpful comments indeed.

 

Good spot on the first sentence, and quite right, I will need to fix that continuity oversight, and will also tweak the Benam 'feint'.

 

I'm interested in your comment on the Dyllis sentence. Is it the sentence structure itself, the use of the word 'affecting'? I sure that's grammatically correct, but maybe I could phrase the sentence better.

 

Very good point about Covelle. There is more on this later, but I could trail it slightly earlier. Not that he has a crew on call, but that he has 'associates'.

 

Typo - thanks.

 

I'm really pleased that the magic is intriguing you. I'm concerned about how well it pays off as things go on. I see that you're concerned about how ready to talk Dyllis is. I'll see how I feel when I read it back, but I suspect I could improve that with a couple of tweaks.

 

Yeah, the catalyst comment is pretty much meant to make things clear (show) without coming out and telling it. I've finished several novels, but this is the first one ever to half a magic 'system'. Because I'm not given to that approach, it's not all that prescriptive / Sandersonian, but it's my biggest step in that direction to date, so I'm still kind of feeling my way. No doubt there will be tidying up required in the edit, but your reaction to it will be very helpful to me.

 

Most excellent comments - thank you, Kam.

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It's the word affecting at end of a sentence. But I think it is just me. I don't think I have read affecting used that way before and my mind is telling me affecting what (I'm probly thinking effecting). I would disregard that comment on further consideration

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I enjoyed this chapter. It was much slower than the other chapters, but that was replaced with a ton of information on casting which was something I was very curious about. Even though you didn't explain casting 100%, I didn't feel cheated out of information. I want to keep reading to find out what 'spells' can be used with casting.

The idea of using a part of yourself when casting puts a nice limit on what casting can do. And the mention that Masters can do more with less leaves the door open for some larger casting later on.

I can see where RD and Kammer are coming from in regards to Dyliss opening up too easily, but I just chalked it up to the fact that Covelle saved her life and she felt like she owed him.

Sorry I don't have much to say about anything except the casting, but I am excited for the next chapter. :)

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It's the word affecting at end of a sentence. But I think it is just me. I don't think I have read affecting used that way before and my mind is telling me affecting what (I'm probly thinking effecting). I would disregard that comment on further consideration

 

I guess it's a bit archaic / formal, but I have used it before.

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I can see where RD and Kammer are coming from in regards to Dyliss opening up too easily, but I just chalked it up to the fact that Covelle saved her life and she felt like she owed him.

 

Thank you Rohyu, good comments. It's nice to know that casting has people interested. I hope I have kept the promise in latter stages of revealing more about casting.

 

As to Dyllis's opening up. I think maybe I just need to show some reticence in her reveal, but I'll be interested to see how people take a development that is coming down the track a little ways. It caused a fairly strong reaction in my online writing group.

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