jParker - A Cut-Flower Sound Prologue - 11/18/13

[jParker]

Now that you've read it, let's hear what you think. What works for you, what doesn't? What strains the lines of credibility? And finally, would the alternate version be preferable?

[Mandamon]

pg 1: "It was likely best that the angel lacked a digestive tract; the urge to vomit was overwhelming."

--yes, this is for humor, but if the angel lacks a digestive tract, then it could not even have an urge to vomit...

 

pg 1: You're hiding the name/gender of the angel or it doesn't have one, but there are a lot of repetitions of "the angel."  You might want to find some other word.  "It" can be used for something you don't know about. (And you do use "it" later)

 

Otherwise, I like it.  It's always hard to present the morals of an alien being (whether it's elves, or angels, or actual aliens) and I thought this one went well.  I haven't seen "There will be Blood," but I liked that the angel was a physical presence, rather than insubstantial, and that it was very factually relating to God, rather than through religious means.

 

Having this before the first chapter also gets the reader ready that there is something magical/supernatural going on, where in the first chapter, Elmer only walks into a bar and then goes to sleep.  It lets us know to Wait For It and see what comes later.

[yankorro]

I enjoyed this. There's a certain ambiguity about the nature of the angel that's quite intriguing, and his take on human society is quite humorous. It's curious, I remember in the other chapter, there was a bit where the narrator referred to someone with the name "Epic-beard" and I commented that it was a bit odd. Here though, when the angel calls the guy Mustache or Unkempt-Mustache it seems to fit with his detached, inhuman perspective.

 

That said, I wonder if the set-up with this intro is going to make the first chapter seem like too much of a slowdown in tempo. We start off with bam, aliens ripping people apart and then, the stranger in town moseys into a bar. Not saying it couldn't work, but it's something to think about as you go back and revise.

 

Looking forward to the next bit

~NMW

[jParker]

Fair points Mandamon. I'll have to watch myself for overhumanizing that angel--others are a bit more liberal with their affectations.

 

Also, the prolific use of "the angel" was a poor homage to The Gunslinger, where I believe the narrator never uses Roland's name (outside of flashbacks). 

 

Next few chapters will be a bit slow in comparison to the prologue, but it's all (attempting) to create tension. Given the nature of NaNo work, we'll see how it goes.

[Mandamon]

Also, the prolific use of "the angel" was a poor homage to The Gunslinger, where I believe the narrator never uses Roland's name (outside of flashbacks). 

 

 

Yep, I can see that now.  If it helps, I didn't like when Stephen King did it either...

[yankorro]

Next few chapters will be a bit slow in comparison to the prologue, but it's all (attempting) to create tension. 

 

You said a mouthful there!

 

If it's any help at all, I didn't find the nominalization "The angel" throughout to be repetitive at all. I actually found it interesting.

[jParker]

If it's any help at all, I didn't find the nominalization "The angel" throughout to be repetitive at all. I actually found it interesting.

 

Yay. I'm sorry Mandamon didn't like it, but I won't be changing that part (although the reasons behind the choice becomes clearer later on).

[andyk]

I liked this. I think prologues are sometimes over-used, but in this case giving something exciting and supernatural before the slower build-up of the following chapters seems like a good idea, both to grip the reader and to give a sign of what sort of story it is.

 

I found it a little hard to get engaged with the angel and its motivations. The first couple of paragraphs make clear that it has feelings, but after that we just get thoughts and rationality, not how it feels, even when things go wrong and get violent. I think showing its emotions, however repressed they might be, would have left me more engaged in the story.

[jParker]

I'm glad you brought that up. It's something that I really struggled with and continue to struggle with in writing this: how much emotion would an angel have? What would they think about our world? About us? And I try to explore that more, but that's several weeks of submissions from now.

 

 

 

 

Spoilers: it's not done very well.

[Two McMillion]

I enjoyed this quite a bit. Juxtaposing an angel with multiple murders is an effective device to draw me into the story. I really have very few negative things to say; I think this is well done and am interested in reading more.

[jParker]

Hooray! And next week won't have any chapters ending in sleep either. (Though the week after will.)