Waifs and Strays – Submission 1 – 150922 – Prologue and Chapter 1 – 5918 words (V)

[rdpulfer]

I've fallen more than a little behind, so I figured I'd save the confusion and start from the beginning.

 

- I liked the beginning - that people are cheering the defeat of an enemy. That's a powerful image.

 

- The captions in the dialogue on the 6th page are a little confusing.

 

- So far the most interesting element is where the propaganda meets the reality, especially with regards to the brutality of the victor. However, it's a bit tough to see when it's filtered from the POV character in the first few pages. 

 

- I do like Benan's reaction to the executions.

 

- Alma is awesome. Period.

 

- Nice to see Benan so soon after the time jump. I was worried we might loose track of him.

 

- Overall, I thought it was a nice set-up. It has me interested what's happening next, and how all these character intersect. 

[Robinski]

Great comments RD. Interestingly, you have reciprocated my views on Irving with your reaction to Ahma. I must say you are in the minority as most seem to have taken against her - for reasons that I understand. I did set out to reduce her sympathy slider (yes, that's where I am in listening to the Writing Excuses 'cast), and it's worked, but the problem is she becomes the POV that turns (most) people off. My challange is to turn her round and make her sympathetic, and I think it gives me a great opportunity for the later stages of the story.

The bigger problem is that many of her sections are quite slow. I'll be interested in your perspective going forward as one of the few Ahma 'supporters' at this early stage.

I'm glad that the early Benam section worked for you. I felt it was necessary for just that reason, to allow the reader to fix the time transition in their head because of the changes in Benam. It's very satisfying to me that you found it effective!

Thank you again, really appreciated.