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11/05/13 - Stroniax - The DragonLord Chronicles


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Direct Quote from Email:

Hey guys, this is my second draft of chapter 1 of the DragonLord

Chronicles. Mainly, I'd like to hear about the flow, any places I'm

contradicting myself, info dumps, places I'm assuming you know more

than you do (unless it's obvious you shoudlnt know what something is)

(I say this because sometimes I forget to explain something) and then

after that, then I'd like the other stuff. Those are just the main

things I'd like to work on.

And I'm using Pages, an iOS App (on my iPad) so I dont know how to

make stuff be double-spaced. Sorry about that.

One thing I forgot to mention is, by "second draft". I mean I totally revised chapter one because I didnt like how it used to be.

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You actually do a pretty job with the worldbuilding, getting information to us without it being too much of an infodump. Props for that, it can be pretty hard.

 

Fair warning about the philosophical opening: it doesn't bother me, but I've heard those sort of openings are a turn-off to a lot of people.

 

As for the rest: this chapter tries to do a lot of things. It tries to worldbuild, it tries to introduce a main character, it tries to have action, and it tries to have mystery. That's all quite good, but unfortunately doing all of that well is fairly difficult. The action, especially, needs some revision, I think; it's more or less the meat of the chapter after all.

 

I think one thing that would improve this a lot would be a little more twang and style to the narrator's voice. There are hints of this in places, but mostly he describes what happens in fairly neutral tones. First person narration, by nature, puts a lot more demand on the narrator to perform, and I think him doing so would have helped the action, worldbuilding, and the like. It might have made it flow better and been more entertaining. It would have given us a better picture of the main character.

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I think one thing that would improve this a lot would be a little more twang and style to the narrator's voice. There are hints of this in places, but mostly he describes what happens in fairly neutral tones. First person narration, by nature, puts a lot more demand on the narrator to perform, and I think him doing so would have helped the action, worldbuilding, and the like. It might have made it flow better and been more entertaining. It would have given us a better picture of the main character.

Could you explain a little better about what you mean by wanting the narrator to perform? I kind of was confused there, sorry.

Edited by Stroniax
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Hello.

 

I've just given a quick read through Chapter 1. Looking at some of the comments above, I agree with Two McMillions about the narrative voice. I wouldn't want to put words in anyone's mouth, but I think I know what he's referring to with the narrator "performing". I'mjust not sure I can explain it properly.

 

Basically from the first chapter I get two impressions, which are kind of important to have clear from the beginning.

 

A) This is YA fiction. or at least I think so, I haven't read Young Adult since I was a young adult but that's the vibe I get.

B) This is going to be a humorous piece. Or fairly humorous anyway.

 

Keeping these two things in mind, what I notice is that there are moments where you seem to be using purposefully anachronistic language in a fantasy setting. Not like, you know, knights in shining armor being like "What up, dude?", but almost. It seems odd for someone in this type of setting to use language like "zoom out of reality". But at other times it's quite comedic, especially in the last bit of dialogue. This could actually be a really entertaining way of approaching the character if you're careful with it.

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I'd second Two McMillion that the intro is not for everyone.  I think you could edit it to make it stronger, but you could just as easily jump into the action.

 

Second, in regards to the voice in this piece, it might be worthwhile to write a page or so only in the voice of the narrator.  Right now, he's the straight man, and you (the author) are telling the jokes in the description and worldbuilding.  I think if you switch this around, it will gain a lot of strength.

 

Last, I would watch your description.  The story is getting overshadowed by your asides, humorous or not.  I can best show this by example, so please forgive the editing!  I took the first paragraph, and only deleted the asides that, to me, took away from the story.  I did change one phrase, just to make it keep the same meaning.  

 

Original:

"Everyone has a story, however boring it may be. Generally, the boring stories aren't told, of course. When they are, nobody wants to hear them.

My name is Righor. My last name not even I know, so I prefer using my dragon's last name. Yes, you read that correctly. Dragon. I am a DragonBound, one of the many (although not exactly abundant) people on this world whom have a dragon with which we can Bind.
I tell stories. Telling stories is my life, and not only metaphorically. I don't have any other job, although sometimes I am payed for helping people in various ways.
The very beginning of this story takes place when I accidentally ran into someone.
"Sorry," I muttered. I kept my head down, covered by my blue and green cloak."
 
Edited to remove asides:
"Everyone has a story. 
My name is Righor. My last name not even I know, so I prefer using my dragon's last name. I am a DragonBound, one of the people on this world whom have a dragon with which we can Bind.
I tell stories. Telling stories is my life, and not only metaphorically. 
this story [starts] when I accidentally ran into someone.
"Sorry," I muttered. I kept my head down, covered by my blue and green cloak."

 

The new version is a little choppy, because I was only deleting, but this is what I mean by removing asides.  Now the intent is much stronger: you have 1) reason for the story 2) introduction 3) the start of the story.  The reader doesn't get lost going from point A to point B.  This same editing can be applied to the whole first chapter, and I think you'll come out with a much clearer, and stronger, story.

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Disclaimer: I may be extra-harsh on this piece because I have never been big on traditional fantasy (i.e. swords and dragons and such). I loathe almost everything about it and its only credibility in my eyes is that it allowed contemporary fantasy to be born. That being said...

 

To be quite frank, the whole piece feels like a cheap piece of fantasy--just aware enough to be vaguely post-modern but still unable to avoid the foibles of the first generation (DragonLance anyone?).

 

Righor is a blank, sarcastic canvas, apparently important but without any distinguishable reason why. I understand first person narratives typically use a less-characterized viewpoint, but given the brief insight I have into the story, that's just not going to work for me as a reader. Then again, neither are the dragons or the apocalyptic menace on the horizon. 

 

Specific Issues:

Why the hell wouldn't he know his last name? Let's go with the typical explanation and say Righor's an orphan raised by warrior monks. Then why not adopt a whole new identity, as people tend to do? 

 

What's stopping Righor from summoning his dragon? Last I checked horses weren't exactly equipped for aerial combat and unless his kidnappers are virtuoso marksmen, Rastak would blow through them like chaff. And don't say "He doesn't know where he is." The basics of radio communication--assuming that's the model Waves are based on--circumvent that.

 

Finally, why are the DragonLords a cataclysmic problem? What separates them from DragonFathers? Why is Righor not a massive threat? And why is the apparent leader of the DragonBound so incompetent? Any semblance of realism in a political organization would have had a coup long before dementia took hold.

 

tl;dr WHY?

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I realize I didnt mention that some DragonFathers can alter Waves (that was in my original version, must have forgotten to transfer that tidbit). Altering the Waves can allow some DragonFathers (generally those that can alter Waves are called DragonLords by common folk, an actual DragonLord (as explained in the beginning of Chapter 2) is a highly trained DragonFather that can usually Bind to multiple dragons (not at once).

I dont understand... why would Righor be a massive threat? And where do I point to a "leader of the DragonBound"?

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If the DragonFathers are a threat, why are other DragonBound exempt? Apart from the vague rules on the magic system (which shouldn't be explored in Chapter One; so good on you there), the exceptionally similar terminology would probably confuse an average reader. 

 

As for the leader of the DragonBound, I'd assumed the Drage qualified. Ben's deference seemed to indicate a hierarchical difference. 

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I'm another one who'd have rather not had the intro. I liked what you were trying to do with it, leading the reader's impression one way then twisting it another, but going straight to the main character would have drawn me in better.

 

My biggest problem was a sense of vagueness. When the lead character reflects on his life it's in generalisations rather than specifics, and specifics would make him feel more real - for example, when you say he's sometimes paid for helping people, helping them with what? Similarly there wasn't a lot of description. I couldn't clearly picture what was happening because there wasn't much description of what the street looked like, or the bloke he bumped into. I wouldn't want great lengthy paragraphs on this, just a couple of details to summon up a mental image.

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  • 2 months later...

(Sorry for lateness of my comments, still striving to get through my NaNo backlog.)

 

The writing has a lightness in tone that I quite like, different from the portentous style of some fantasy writing. Reading the thread after writing my detailed comments (below), I see there’s a reference to YA. They did’t have YA when I was a lad, they just had books. So that’s where my viewpoint comes from. Using first person is a bit different (maybe more common in YA, certainly). Personally, I don’t usually like it. I picked up Hunger Games recently and almost put it back down again instantly, but Susanne Collins does it very well. Anyway, I'm willing to keep going for your chapter because that's a personal hang-up of mine – not your problem!

 

For me, this needs some work on its substance, but I think the light tone is promising if there is a good story there. I think as a first chapter it needs to do more to grab the reader’s attention, which is difficult with so little to go on. Also, I'm not getting a sense that the story is going anywhere particularly original, which I think would be something to strive for to keep the reader interested in continuing, but if it’s well written, and almost cast as a comedy you might get away with it.

 

--------------------------

 

We certainly get a lot of information in a short space of time, but I don’t mind that as it’s not what I would think of as an info-dump.
 

I think “On it.” is a modern expression that feels out of place in a fantasy work. I know there are different opinions on that, but modern expressions take me out of a story that is set in a pseudo-historical (‘low technology’) setting (at least I think that’s what it is). Also, “zoom” feels out of place, did you mean “zone”? Still out of place!

 

Sorry, but all I can think of when I hear neck pinching is Mr. Spock.

 

‘...the wellfare (sp.) of the room...’? I'm not quite sure what you mean.

 

I don’t like Righor’s tone here, his sidebar about ‘people who have spoken’ makes him sound like a smartarse, Ben is only trying to tell him what he wants to know, then Righor talks over him. I don’t think it’s funny and therefore it fell flat for me.

 

There seems to be very little substance to the discussion about the threat. I guess the Drage is some kind of wise man or prophet. Why is it Ben’s responsibility to speak to him, and why does Ben take on the responsibility of stopping the threat? We don’t really know how serious the threat is, what the world is like and what is at stake.

 

Also, Righor seems to be very open and conversational with Ben, considering he (Righor) was just kidnapped.

 

This is very short for a first chapter and rather light on detail of the setting. I think the setting needs more substance, the threat doesn’t feel significant because we don’t know yet what we’re supposed to care about. I think expanding the chapter to explain (show don't tell, of course) to the reader where we are, who these people are and what they do will make it a more substantial and rewarding reader, and better hook the reader.

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