9.30.13 - Two McMillion - Peter Endor, Chapter 1

[Two McMillion]

A quick note:

This is the very beginning of an intended cyberpunk urban fantasy novel I’m working on. You guys may be seeing a lot of it over the next few weeks. 

Issues I’m aware of and intend to fix:

• I’m aware there are mistakes with verb tenses. I originally wrote this in the present tense and haven’t quite revised it all the way back.

• Peter sounds a lot older in this chapter than he will in future chapters. I’ll leave you guys to decide which voice for him is better, but one or the other needs to be fixed IMO.

• The portrayal of certain elements of the world is different later.

There are other issues I think are there, but I won’t bias your opinions by pointing them out ahead of time. Then there are issues that fall into categories such as issues I’m not aware of, things that are potentially issues but are okay as is, etc. Hopefully, this is where critiques come in.

I'm wondering about things such as:

• Are you drawn in by this opening? Does it make you want to read more?
• Is Peter's narration believable?
• What issues distract from the main thrust of the narrative?

Thanks a ton for reading. I’m really looking forward to sharing!

Please note: This is my first time submitting for Reading Excuses. I'm not sure if I sent that email correctly, so if you should have received it and did not, please let me know so I can resend it!

[jParker]

I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised by this piece. And as a reader, thank you for being able to admit the flaws in your work.

 

On the plus side, I absolutely loved the narration style. It's fun and light and easy to read. I am definitely hooked for the long haul.

 

That being said, Papa Tolkien would be proud of your info-dumping. Is it really necessary to tell us the full breadth and depth of Peter's powers? Because that's usually a solid no-no this early in a piece. Granted, I like that you submit to Sanderson's Law with the spell--acknowledging thermodynamics lends to the credibility. On the other hand, would a nine-year old be familiar with Newtonian physics? Much less, the advancements made in the time since that I'm unfamiliar with and so can't talk about. 

 

All in all, good stuff man. You should be proud of your baby.

[Mandamon]

Welcome to Reading Excuses!  On with the critiquing...

 

As jParker said, watch out for the info dump on page 2.  Having the reader learn about Peter's skills firsthand is much more interesting than just listing them for us.  I'll probably have forgotten specific traits by the time you use them, and then you'll have to repeat them anyway.

 

• Is Peter's narration believable?

Not really.  This sounds way too old for a 9 year old.  I do think the asides work for his age, but not the calmness and exposition.  He's too much in control of his self.  9 year olds have the attention span of a goldfish, so I don't quite believe he can summon up the will and concentration to craft two spells in the space of a couple seconds.

 

• What issues distract from the main thrust of the narrative?

There's a lot of bleed-over from Harry Dresden: named with four  names, some of the skills as a wizard, the third eye, the names of spells (infernus)...  I'm not saying these are specific only to the Dresden Files, but you've portrayed them very similar to the way Jim Butcher portrays Harry Dresden.  You can use the same abilities, but you need to shake them up more so people don't immediately make the association.  There are some good futuristic elements, like the scanning equipment and robot dogs, and I would maybe put more focus on that part at the beginning to differentiate.  I'm wondering if any of this Is what you will portray differently later?

 

• Are you drawn in by this opening? Does it make you want to read more?

This is a qualified yes.  Your prose is good, light, and engaging.  I want to read more of this character, even if I don't necessarily believe that he's 9.  That said, I'm not sure where you're going from here.  Peter is pretty powerful, and rich, for a 9 year old.  Is he going to get more powerful, somehow ("I’m the most powerful magician in the world")?  If his mother is still in control of his actions (he can't even get home a little late), and he's already solved the biggest problem I can think of for a pre-adolescent (bullying by armed teenagers and surviving a mugging at gunpoint), I'm not sure what else he's going to do.

[Two McMillion]

Thanks for the feedback, guys.

 

As jParker said, watch out for the info dump on page 2.  Having the reader learn about Peter's skills firsthand is much more interesting than just listing them for us.  I'll probably have forgotten specific traits by the time you use them, and then you'll have to repeat them anyway.

 

Thank you for saying this! My concern was that when these things came up later, it would seem like it was random, without precedent in the narrative. I wanted to avoid that, but you seem to be saying it doesn't matter because the reader is likely to skip that part anyway. Good to know.

 

There's a lot of bleed-over from Harry Dresden: named with four  names, some of the skills as a wizard, the third eye, the names of spells (infernus)...  I'm not saying these are specific only to the Dresden Files, but you've portrayed them very similar to the way Jim Butcher portrays Harry Dresden

 

I completely missed the bolded similarity. *headdesk* I've tried to make this less like Butcher in later chapters, but as you might have guessed, I do love Dresden. 

 

Infernus is simply Latin for "fire" (all of my magicians speak excellent Latin and Greek, unlike most others in fiction...). I suppose changing this to Greek (I believe the word would be purkia) should be easy enough.

 

But I'm glad to hear it does somewhat capture the reader's interest, since that's the main job of an opening.

[Mysty]

I agree with the points jParker and Mandamon and just have a small addition to their comments. and that is about his pocket change. even if everything is in large denominations, how is "a few million" going to fit in his pocket? and who would believe a 9-yr-old paying with $100 bills. Unless the term "cash" is refering to more of a credit card, but i still wouldn't believe a kid having a credit card without it already being established in the world building.

Overall my interest is piqued and I'll be excited to read more.

[Two McMillion]

I agree with the points jParker and Mandamon and just have a small addition to their comments. and that is about his pocket change. even if everything is in large denominations, how is "a few million" going to fit in his pocket? and who would believe a 9-yr-old paying with $100 bills. Unless the term "cash" is refering to more of a credit card, but i still wouldn't believe a kid having a credit card without it already being established in the world building.

Overall my interest is piqued and I'll be excited to read more.

 

Here is an example of something similar from our world. It's really just a matter of printing more zeroes on the bill.

[Mysty]

Oh, so your economy has runaway inflation problems and society is high tech? How do you manage that?

[Two McMillion]

Oh, so your economy has runaway inflation problems and society is high tech? How do you manage that?

 

Most technological innovation peaked about sixty years before Peter was born. At about that time, several countries decided it would be a good idea to start shooting nuclear missiles at each other, and of course nobody wanted to be left out, so there was a war, a lot of inflation, and a lot people (4% of a global population of just over nine billion) died. Immediately after that a mutated version of the measles virus (don't laugh, measles has killed a lot of people throughout history) killed about 8% of the worldwide population. Various governments decided it would be a good idea to pay for all this by printing money. Naturally, the War and plague caused quite a bit of chaos, and since most commerce is electronic now anyway (so you can carry your massive cash on a tiny card or an implant instead of in a wheelbarrow) it hasn't been important enough for them to change currencies, especially since the actual rate of inflation has stabilized since then.

 

A historical reference for similar events would be the first world war and the Spanish Flu that followed it, only with the global economy far more interconnected than at that time the economic impact would be more severe.

Edited September 30, 2013 by Two McMillion

[Mandamon]

Good worldbuilding.  Now the challenge is to put this^^ in the story in a form where Mysty doesn't have this question in Chapter 1!

[Two McMillion]

Good worldbuilding.  Now the challenge is to put this^^ in the story in a form where Mysty doesn't have this question in Chapter 1!

 

Is this serious advice? That might be quite a challenge...

[Mysty]

well, when you said he had a few million in his pocket, I imediately though this little boy was filthy rich, irregardless of the fact it was leftover lunch money. if you could infer with word choice that peter only has a "measly 3 million, not worth the effort" it might help give the sense that the economy is way different. world building details that highlight how this story is NOT what we live in now should help.

 

i like the world building ideas. I'm excited to see where this story goes.

[Mandamon]

Is this serious advice? That might be quite a challenge...

 

Completely serious.  Now the answer might be one that Mysty suggested, or to cut the "millions in a pocket" part until you have more information, or to add a one sentence explanation that sums up your worldbuilding until you have more time, or even hang a lantern on the phrase so you promise to answer it later.  There's lots of ways to do it.

Edited October 1, 2013 by Mandamon

[Two McMillion]

Good stuff! Thanks Mandamon.

[sarkadark]

Okay, first time doing this. I've given you access to my line by line comments on Google Docs. Here goes the summary:

 

• Worldbuilding: you have some good touches, but I don't have enough flavor to really buy them. Check out Snowcrash and Parable of the Sower for how some of the best of the best have introduced similar worlds (minus the magic).
• Main character: Definitely doesn't come off as nine, and the line about wanting to see the dogs take on the bullies struck me as sadistic. I agree with Mandamon that I'm not sure where there is for the character to go, and I'm also curious as to why a kid with all the power in the world is so concerned about legality and chores. I'm not saying he would logically need to be a monster, but I'd expect a nine year old to cut some corners.
• Why am I reading about a nine year old? As an adult reader, I'm honestly not that interested in reading about kids unless there's a reason for the story to be about a kid as opposed to an adult. Ender's Game is of course the chief example of this sort of thing done right. In the case of this story, the first chapter really hasn't given me a reason I should be interested in a nine year old, or any indication that the rest of the story won't be about him being a kid.
• What is this about? I don't have much indication of where this story might be going. The only unanswered question is how the bullies got into the compound, and that's not particularly compelling.

All that said, your writing is solid. You've clearly read and built a solid foundation of skills to build story on. It's just a matter of polish the storytelling now.

[Two McMillion]

If I were to revise the narrative so it had an older main character, how old would strike you guys as believable?

[jParker]

I could believe as old as 13, more likely 11 or 12. Go with Pokemon rules for ages. 

[Caveat: I'm glad Ender's Game was brought up, since OSC's Alvin Maker is an excellent age counterpoint. The protagonist manifests godlike abilities at age 5, so...yeah. Age is not a huge deal.]

[Mandamon]

Who are you intending the audience to be?  Generally older audiences read about older protagonists.  Exceptions include the ones jParker and sarkadark posted. 

 

I could believe 12 or 13 at the youngest, but still with nowhere near the grasp of abilities.

 

I would wonder first why you have such a young protagonist.  Is there something special about him being young?  Ender was chosen because 1) he was a genius and 2) the battle school was looking for new trainable perspectives (if I remember right).  Is there some reason Peter has to be pre-adolescent and not 14? 17? 25?

 

note:  b with a ) sign turns into a smiley.  Sigh.

Edited October 1, 2013 by Mandamon

[Two McMillion]

would wonder first why you have such a young protagonist.  Is there something special about him being young?

 

He's the youngest of three kids in his family and the only one with magic. His older brother (13 in my present draft) is jealous of his because of it, and bullies him as a result. I wanted him to be... angry with his older brother, but also longing for reconciliation? I thought this would make more sense for a pre-adolescent. I felt like this dynamic wouldn't fit as well with them both being older. I have two siblings about those ages, and I see how the younger really idolizes the older, even when the older is mean to him. I thought that was interesting (it shows up in chapter 2). Now that I think about it, I guess it could work if they were closer in age... it would change the dynamic a bit, but it's not unworkable.

 

I attempted to justify his knowledge of physics by having his father (a magician) spend long hours with him teaching him the ins and outs of physics as it relates to magic. I'll leave it to you guys when we get there to decide how well I did.

 

I like these suggestions, but a lot of them may call for cascading changes down the line. I may need to not submit next week and work on updating everything instead...

[Two McMillion]

It's oddly fun and painful to have all the flaws in that piece pulled out and mulled over one by one. I really appreciate you guys pointing them out without being ugly about it. It confirms what I've seen in several places about 17th Shard; there's good people here.

[Mysty]

He's the youngest of three kids in his family and the only one with magic. His older brother (13 in my present draft) is jealous of his because of it, and bullies him as a result. I wanted him to be... angry with his older brother, but also longing for reconciliation? I thought this would make more sense for a pre-adolescent. I felt like this dynamic wouldn't fit as well with them both being older. I have two siblings about those ages, and I see how the younger really idolizes the older, even when the older is mean to him. I thought that was interesting (it shows up in chapter 2). Now that I think about it, I guess it could work if they were closer in age... it would change the dynamic a bit, but it's not unworkable.

You can have that sort of dynamic work for much older characters. Ever read "the Thief" by Megan Whalen Turner? although not actually brothers, there are two characters with that type of dynamics in their relationship. the characters (older teens I guess) are apprenticed to the same man. the older apprentice is a landless noble who is pea green with envy for the other who is the son of a Duke and nephew to the childless King. the younger, who is too innocent for his own good, idolizes the older apprentice because he had seen more of the world and had better skills with a sword.

Making both of the brothers older doesn't need to change the dynamics of the relationship. But you probably need to give Peter a healthy does of youthful innocence to make it a believable relationship. however, I don't know how innocent Peter can be if he is totally aware of and in control of all of his magical powers. Is it important for Peter to start so knowledgeable, rather than growing into it over the story?

changing one little thing sure can have a domino effect, can't it?

[Ria Raen]

Well i'm stepping in a bit later here, and to be honest most of the points i was going to raise have already been touched on. But I agree with everyone when I say that I really enjoyed the narrative and style of this piece (excluding the info dump). You had me engaged and allowed me to follow the story in a humorous and well crafted way.

 

I agree with debate on age. He is just too young for me to be invested in him as a character. I agree with the points above that you can make Peter and his brother older without losing the jealous dynamic. His brother will have had years of envy so in fact by making them older you are only increasing the potential for hostility. 

 

I have to admit there is one word in the story i really struggled with and I think that has more to do with the fact you told me in your email introduction that this is a cyberfunk urban fantasy. if I did not know this It probably wouldn't bother me so much. But the word is magician. I guess I assume that in a futuristic society any ability to control the environment or perform 'magic' would be viewed a more gentic/ mutant ability. Sorry to get all x-men on you haha. 

 

The issue of the millions is his pocket could to be easily be solved by perhaps extending the sentence to include

 

"I only have a few million dollars with me, anyway, barely enough to buy a sandwich" or something similar?

 

But all in all I like this story and with an older protagonist to compensate for the mature use of language and confidence I would definitely continue reading.

[Robinski]

So I'm doing the world’s biggest catch up at the moment. I hope that these few comments are still useful in some way. Overall, I found this first chapter enjoyable, I think it paints a picture of the society and some of the setting pretty effectively by dropping in details here and there.

 

• Are you drawn in by this opening? Does it make you want to read more?

 

I found the style readable and had no great issue with the flow. This said - it’s not exactly my thing. I was trying to decide if Peter’s voice is a bit smug, possibly so. Could I read 300 pages of it? Perhaps not in that intense form, but I appreciate that it’s an introduction (effectively), and that the ‘real’ Peter would maybe be less of a show-off, less superior when faced with problems and try-fail situations.

 

• Is Peter's narration believable?

 

Not for a nine year old, as you said yourself. I think he would be better being older. There is a sizeable back catalogue of annoying pre-teens in various areas of literature. I think you would have more scope for development of the story and the character if he is older.

 

• What issues distract from the main thrust of the narrative?

 

I'm not sure I got much of a narrative thrust. It’s very much an introduction, and feels self contained to me. We learn something about Peter and his surroundings, a bit about society, but not much else.

 

I hope this is useful - as usual for me, written without reading other peoples' comments, but having now done so, I agree with Mysty's comment about the money. I'm no economist, but rampant inflation seems to be followed by political upheaval and possibly breakdown of society, certainly in some areas. There is no sense of that here, although I appreciate it is only a few pages. The mention of money certainly has an impact, but leaves a lot of questions.