9th September - Guru Coyote - Virgin Flight

[Guru Coyote]

So here it is, the second story in the same world as "No Thing Harder Than Bone".

This one is more of a background story for some of the characters that will play a major role in later happenings.

 

Feedback of any kind welcome

 

[jParker]

Interesting story. I like the concept of Ohtek culture. Just a few issues with the piece.

 

First, it seems really lacking in the description department. I struggle to envision the world and the things in it. That's something that I'd like to see changed above all else.

 

Second--and maybe this is a personal thing--but your writing is pretty explicit in exposition. If there's something the reader doesn't know, you go ahead and explain it immediately. I think that shifting towards implicit, letting the reader wonder what exactly this unknown thing is will really help tow people along. 

 

Finally, weretigers? Khajit? Whatever the name, it's a concept that has been done time and time again in fantasy. What makes yours unique? 

 

To be honest, I liked this more than Nothing Harder than Bone and would probably now read more of the world.

[Mandamon]

I agree with jParker on the lack of description.  Especially to give life to Lei.

 

pg 2: "Men and Women didn’t speak directly"

Speak directly to each other?  or to the students there?  I think you mean they don't speak to each other at all.  This poses some large societal problems.  They must have others ways to commmunicate, then

 

pg 5: Lei looked down at her hand, saw raw meat. She blinked. Nmu. Tiger. Meat. Animal. She nodded. I can do this.

”Splendid! You’re the first to try and come away unharmed.”

--this part is a little disjointed.  I assume Lei fed the tiger the meat, but unless she passed out, there would be some recollection.  Why is there a sensory blackout here?

 

pg 5: Lei doesn't seem to have much trouble adjusting to men talking to her, for all her horror when Head Father spoke to her.  If it's a social taboo, I would expect her to be very shy and not talk to the merchant.

 

pg 7: "X-2" doesn't seem to fit for a name in this context.  I would think he would name it after a flying animal.

 

I liked the story and that it showed more of the world, but I was confused after the fight.  Who was the old man on the wagon?  Who shot Lei?  Why did she turn into a cat? I assume this was something to do with Snowcat, though why if he denies being the magical Nmu?  The telepathy with animals sort of came out of nowhere.

The ending left Lei's fate up in the air, but there were several questions left unanswered.  Do you intend to fill out more of this story?  As it is, I don't know if it can stand by itself, but it does work as a companion story.

[Guru Coyote]

Interesting that you should say that about exposition, jParker. I do see your point about description, I have written this with only bare-bone descriptions. Initially to keep the word-count down (target was max 5k). I will definitely be adding more of that in a later stage.

 

The thing about explaining things... maybe you could quote a specific example? I'm on a balancing act here: if I explain to little, the reader might well jump to conclusions about culture that are 'expected' ... in this case, the role of gender. There are several occasions where things may well have hinted at 'oppressed role of girls/females' which is NOT Ohtek culture. 

 

Regardng the 'were' and what... well werewolves, dragons, airships and whatnot have also all been done over and over again... the fact that Snowcat can shape change to a tiger form is less of a core feature, it's just who he is and what he can do. Just like some characters have pointy ears

And in regards to the world, it is neither common nor known that there those who can shape shift. No race of were tigers, no packs of werewolves, promise. I am considering sparkly vampires. Oh wait, just kidding!

 

Thanks for the feedback!

[Guru Coyote]

Mandamon, in contrast to the Bone story, this one is definitely meant as part of something bigger.

The X-2 name is due to the requirements of the challenge I submitted this version to, it had to have 'an X'.

 

It's interesting that you did not pick up on the connection between Snowcat and the old man. Lei does not have animal telepathy, it is Snowcat who can speak this way in tiger-form.

 

As to how and in what form this story will end up, I don't know yet. Chronologically it belongs one or two years before the action in No Thing, but I wouldn't work as the opener to the bigger story - this is really the background story for Lei, who will meet Andrew later. I need to stop blabbering now, or I'll be giving out spoilers, hahaha

 

Thanks for your feedback too, Mandamon! As always very useful.

[Mandamon]

Huh.  No, didn't get the connection between the man and the tiger at all.  I suppose because Snowcat hadn't talked before, and because the man was outside of the box (having escaped from the cage somehow).  You specifically have Joshua Stone say the animal is real and not a vision, and I think that somehow cemented in my mind that it was not a magical animal.  Thus I was blindsided when Things Happened.

 

Not sure if it's just me, or the way the story was worded.  I'd be interested to see who else picks up on the connection.

[Guru Coyote]

This is interesting... two people seem to have taken the tiger thing completely from opposite sides. jParker said it was almost to obvious and Mandamon didn't see it at all. I really wonder what did that.

As to what Stone said about the tiger: thing is, he is just as fooled by Snowcat as anyone else. But what I might need to change is the fact that Stone calls the tiger Snowcat... how would he know that then...

[jParker]

"Animals are my real friends" comes to mind. It just strikes me as unnecessarily overt. Also, thank you for averting stereotypes with Snowcat and (presumably) Lei. 

 

Also, I had forgotten this, but what kind of crops grow in Ohtek? I'm having trouble thinking of crops that are intentionally planted during monsoon season. Granted, I've a limited knowledge of agriculture, but I'm curious.

[Guru Coyote]

Good point about the crops... I will have to work that out. Key here was to show the 'regulated weather' of Ohtek culture, esp. the almost constant cloud-cover the Stromlords keep over a region that would otherwise be very dry.

[Ria Raen]

Sorry its taken so long for me to give feedback! So here are my thoughts as they came:

 

If men and women do not communicate with each why do they have a parents office... indicating they share it....on the same note if head mother and head father share this office why would she be surprised to find both of them there. Surely there would be an office for head mother and one for father, if they keep all their affairs separate.

 

But on the premise you would want to keep "Parents Office" I had wondered if when Teree enters she could say "Lei! Head Mother send for you now." That way when she enters the parents office and head father it has more meaning.

 

During the scene when she feeds the snowcat you seem to skip from her holding the meat to suddenly she has done it. This seems like a moment that could be given more attention. 

 

Again I agree with Mandamon X-2 doesnt fit as a name... its just to sci-fi or phone model

 

Why does the merchant seem so disinterested in the death of rebecca "the merchant shrugged"

 

I was a little confused about if this animal transformation was a normal part of Lei's society as she doesn't seem at all shocked by the fact she has magically transformed into... some kind of black cat.

 

I would have liked to see some more physical descriptions of characters I couldn't really imagine the scene fully without some guidance on that. 

 

I enjoyed the story but feel some of the core themes could be tightened, i entered the story believing that the snowcat was integral to the merchants mission since they had taken the trouble to hire Lei but then it switches to being focused on the X-2 I didn't grasp how these two situations were linked. 

 

it was easy to read and i would definitely read more.

 

Sorry if this is a bit brief, I have to get back to work!

[Guru Coyote]

Thanks, Ria!

You do raise some interesting points... I'll have to think about the 'separate offices' ... 

Also, I agree, in the frame of this one story, the reason for Snowcat being on the trek is weak... basically the merchant is combining two things: testing his aircraft and getting the tiger to Bazaarat... but for a short story, these two things would need more integral meaning.

 

Lei's reactions to what occurs to her are, I admit, in need of some fleshing out. Turning into an animal is by no means normal or to be expected! Her emotional reaction to it needs work. 

 

Thanks for your input! And yes, there will be more eventually, as time permits. I'm moving to a new town and starting a new job on 1st of October... will have to see how that all develops.

[Robinski]

Thanks for posting this. I was interested to read more in this setting after reading ‘No Thing Harder than Bone’ before, my comments as follows.

 

[Page 2, paragraph 5/7] – It’s not clear why Lei has not been apprenticed when she seems to have completed all the training there is on offer.

 

I'm not clear at this point on the use of the word ‘draft’ in relation to the Xe.

 

The word is ‘ahead’ not ‘ahed’.

 

[Page 5, paragraph 6/7] – There seems to be a skip between these paragraphs where Lei is not described as moving, and yet she has fed the animal. It didn’t seem to read quite right to me.

 

[Page 6, paragraph 8] – I think you mean crumbled, not crumpled.

 

I like the style of writing. It’s quite spare, not overly descriptive, but still conveys a decent image, allowing the reader to fill in with their imagination. There’s a need for polish in places, and also some places where a little more exposition would be useful. Also, word choice /grammar in places are an issue.

 

I'm with Mandamon on the link between the old man and Snowcat, that passed me by completely, hence making the fight scene more confusing.

 

I realise that this sits with the other story of your that I have read, ‘No Thing Harder than Bone’, although I'm not entirely sure how or when. ‘Virgin Flight’ almost reads like a prologue, as if there is much more explanation of aspects in the story to come. I'm interested to know about the society that Lei came from, which is intriguing in its apparent separation of male and female roles.

 

I think because of the range of ideas crammed into a pretty short piece, pacing is an issue. It felt rushed to me, as if it wants to be a larger piece to allow more explanation of various aspects.

 

I hope that these comments are helpful.

 

p.s. Sorry so very late, I've been alphareading, then Nano, then Christmas - where does the time go!

[Guru Coyote]

Hey Robinski 

any feedback is welcome, later or not.

 

You are correct on many points:

* yes, this is kind of a prolog to the other story... In the larger picture, it is the introduction for a character (Lei) who will play a larger tole in the things to come. Chronologicaly, this piece plays out several years before "No Thing" ... 

 

* I agree that in this form as you read it, this story is too brief and needs more detail. 

 

A lot has gone on since I wrote and posted this story here! I might post some more material from this setting, currently I'm working on some 'ancient myth' elements for the setting.