Reading Excuses- August 12th- edonil- Kate's Folly Prologue (LV)

[edonil]

Hey everyone, this is the prologue to the story I submitted last time. The more I worked on things, the more I realized I had too much backstory needed to get my character to the point she was at in that submission. I'm not really a fan of flashbacks, so I decided to start the story earlier in time. Also changed the name...this is more a placeholder, but it's more true to the story as a whole that I have in mind. Anyone, hope you all enjoy it! Looking for any and all feedback.

[jParker]

I thought the piece was really pretty strong and except for stylistic issues (which really don't count) I only have two comments.

 

First and foremost, the military style. Kate would be referred to as "sir" instead of "ma'am" by traditional military etiquette. More modern stylists, particularly on the civilian side (who regularly interact with military) would say "sir ma'am sir" but only as a response to a call-to-attention. Furthermore, her call-sign would be Golf-Bravo-November-Niner, assuming you're using standard NATO phonetic alphabet. If communicating on an intra/inter-platoon level, they would signal by their squad and individual number (e.g. the four man in second squad of Bull Troop would be B2-4). But these are things that civilians don't really have much mind to know, so don't feel bad about not knowing it.

 

Also--and I'm pretty sure others will make similar comments--Akim is too evil and too stupid. If he's got any political savvy at all, he's not going to make the sort of overt statements that he does implying the apathetic attitude of the government, regardless of state control of the media. Smart political players will never openly hand their opponents ammunition like that. Now if he is that stupid, he won't be in a position I'm assuming is similar to SecDef. I'd recommend going back at looking at his character and seeing if he's an action-movie bad guy or someone more sophisticated.

 

Finally, on a personal note, I'm not sure I like the title Kate's Folly. While I like it tons more than the previous one, I'm not certain it fits exactly. But that's only my opinion and matters storm all.

[edonil]

Oh, frankly, I hate the title Kate's Folly. I just needed something to put in there, lol. I come up with titles at the end of a project, or somewhere in the middle...but since people would probably get lost in a sea of Untitled in the reading group, I needed to throw something in the spot.

 

Thanks for the comments on the military etiquette stuff. I'm not totally sure how much I want to closely follow the NATO system, but now that I know there's more to the system than the five second intro I was handed in JROTC, it's definitely something to look into!

 

As far as how Akim is.... honestly, I'm going to toss this in as a spoilers thing, cause I want people's first impression of him, then explain the reason I wrote him this way to see if that changes it.

Akim is part of a government that is, from top to bottom, absolutely corrupt, and is in a transition of caring even less than it has historically. It's one that is ruling through fear and intimidation. He's supposed to represent that fact, as a setup for why it is now that things start going into absolute chaos instead of earlier. He's typical of the higher ups in the government, where they are so used to having the power that they're forgetting where it comes from, and it's going to bite them all in the chull. Besides, in his mind, there's nothing Kate can do to threaten him. The media is government run in everything but name, and so the only people who would report any story from her are rebels, and he doesn't view them as a threat.

 

Now, with all that said, that doesn't mean you're wrong. I probably do need to revisit him, I had some concerns myself that he was a little cartoonish, and it looks like I was right about that. Ah well, that's what later drafts are for...

 

Edit: One last thing on this I forgot to say. Early in the conversation, when he is talking with her and asking about her health and her team and so on...that's his public face. He only drops the act when he decides she's no threat to him as a political entity and he intends to put her on the blacklist.

 

Thanks for the feedback!

Edited August 13, 2013 by edonil

[Mandamon]

It took me a while to remember which story this was a prequel to (blame all the different submissions...).  The Paladin Heist seems almost in a different universe than this one--there's nothing to suggest that it's off Earth, for instance--although it does explain the comments about the VR system.  I was puzzled by the "two worlds" reference until I remembered.  I don't know how relevant this is, since you're starting over, but the two pieces had almost completely different feels to them.  I wouldn't have put the first one after this one.

 

 

Other comments:

How big is the armored vehicle?  Kate has room to walk a few steps before punching the wall?  Is there even space on the wall for her to punch?  It seems to be a really big vehicle--more like a wheeled battleship, if it has full beds.

 

pg 1: you refer to Kate as "the woman," when it's in her POV.  it dissasociates the reader from her to do that.  I seem to remember you doing this in another submission.

 

pg 2, end: "The private aimed his weapon above the pile of debris, firing blindly into the crowd"

--Kate just prayed about not firing about civilians, and she doesn't stop the soldier from firing into the crowd?

 

 

I think you need more setting.  During the action, I'm not sure where they are, or when, and it's hard to tell when people move from place to place.  Later you do explain that they're not on Earth, and the riot was in New California, but I think some of this information should come up front.

 

On the "generic evil politician," I do agree with jParker.  He's far too open.  The government can still be completely corrupt, but run by smart people.  While Akim's actions are frustrating because Kate is powerless, what is far more frustrating is for Akim to stick to bland answers, but still do the same actions (refuse the resignation, threaten her) with a smile on his face.  Depends on how you want to set up the character.

 

Overall, good prose.  Just needs some more clarify in describing the setting and action.

[Robinski]

I do agree with most of the other comments in relation to Akim. In addition...,

 

[Page 1]

 

‘...that bastard,’ – does she mean the lieutenant? Is he not in the vehicle? I thought he was.

 

“We're officially in day three of the riots,...’ – this sounds like exposition, they know this, why would he say it out loud?

 

[Page 2]

 

I like the dynamic of the dual attack, but I'm not sure we get a sense of the cyber-threat (if that’s what it is). I'm wondering how that would impact on their physical operations, it would be good to see some sign of the enemy doing damage in that sphere, which then affects the physical world, just a hint (or two) so we know there is another (unseen) threat.

 

The story fairly rattles along at a good pace here, I get a nice sense of the chaos when Kate is out of the vehicle, the impressions of smells, sights and sounds. I'm a bit unclear about the firing into the civilians. Kate is abhorred by it early on, then prays it is not happening, but once she is outside the young solider fires into a crowd and she does not react as strongly as I expected. Also, the phrase ‘civvy killing’ sounds wrong coming from her, it sounds harsh and uncaring when clearly that is not her view, unless she’s trying to disguise her true feelings.

 

You’ve described Abner, but I don’t really have a sense of the others, even though it sounds like the vehicle is full of people.

 

[Page 3]

 

‘...they're ordering a full push back of everything...’ I'm not clear what this phrase means, but I gather from what happens next that it is a ‘pull’ back that was ordered, but how does that secure the area?

 

[Page 4]

 

Again, I'm really enjoying the pace of the writing and the effectiveness of the descriptions. There are maybe a couple of details here and there that would help to clarify what is going on, and who is doing what to whom.

 

I'm surprised that Kate is not more overtly angered by the use of a nuclear device when her platoon is in range. Could they not have been wiped out, or at least subject to radiation poisoning? And they weren’t warned about the strike.

 

I know she’s upset, but her reaction isn’t at all commanding. She should be checking on her troops rather than curled up crying when they don’t seem to be.

 

[Page 6]

 

I see you pick up her outrage at what happened during the action here, I just thought that she and her troops would have more of a reaction at the time.

 

‘...three-fourths...’ – three quarters surely

 

‘I'm almost half tempted...’ one or the other, I think.

 

 

There are some elements that felt a bit hackneyed, the anger at an uncaring authority, the drinking, the resignation, and Kate does seem a bit naive about the motivations of government, it might have been more effective if there were hints that her discontent has been growing for a while. I do think that more of a sense of what the ‘cyber’ soldiers were doing would be useful, since other than them ‘plugging in’ they don’t really seem to contribute.

 

These things aside, I did like the pace and flow of this prologue. I think Kate could be more commanding, she certainly came off second best in her exchange with Akim, but she has potential to be a good character once we learn more about her motivations and her flaws.