10/6- Trizee- Where stories Come From

[Trizee]

Here's a short story I've written. Tell me what you think of it!

[jParker]

I guess I'll get the discussion going.

 

Honestly, I'm not sure what this story is supposed to be about. It flits about from theme to theme without consistently focusing on one. Is it about stories and their telling? Because a few flashes of terror don't really convey that. Is it about a desire to learn secrets ("Will you take me as your apprentice?")? Because that's barely touched upon and only on the last page. Go back to your outline, if you have one (some people prefer them, others don't--whatever), and try and discern what exactly you're trying to do.

 

In addition, the characterization needs work. No self-respecting gleeman, to borrow Jordan's term, would say "I hope you like it." He knows they'll like it. He makes his living by telling tales people not only like, but love; otherwise he wouldn't be very good at what he does. And frankly, the reasons for character actions don't seem particularly clear. The (presumably rural) crowd just saw one of their own go through a horrifying ordeal; they'd be more likely to burn him than sit enraptured for story time. Similarly, Brion just had the piss scared out of him. Why in the world would he want to further associate himself with the source of that terror?

 

On a more minor note, Brion likely a pretty young guy, teens/early twenties, yes? Why would he drink "well-watered wine"? That's pretty inconsistent with how young folks drink. Plus, ale seems much more in-character for a farm boy, especially an unproven one. 

Edit: Also, where does a farmboy acquire a phobia of jellyfish?

 

Furthermore, why would the gleeman want an apprentice? I don't have a complaint here, just the question: why? 

 

And what kind of tale did the Teller tell? There's no way he told a mind-blowingly true story in a half hour. It just doesn't happen. 

Edit: It's not that it *can't* happen; it's that it can't happen off-screen.

 

Finally, descriptions dude. Gotta have them. Even just a tiny bit. Faces, surroundings, something. 

 

That being said, it's really a pretty decent start. Just needs work. But that's why we come here.

Edited June 10, 2013 by jParker

[andyk]

I liked the start of this, it was very evocative, although I could have done with a little more description to picture where this was happening and who the people were.

 

I also liked the descriptions of the dreams, though like jParker I was confused about the jellyfish. But there didn't seem to be any progress from one dream to the next. They were just things Brion experienced, without changing or gaining any insight into what was happening to him. He wasn't fighting against the things happening to him, or against the invasion of his mind by the storyteller. That would have been fine if the dreams had just been one page, but they took up nearly half the story.

 

I didn't get any sense of conflict or of a character struggling to overcome something, driving the story. Though Brion makes a change at the end there doesn't seem to be a reason for it, and I didn't know enough about what life he was leaving behind to feel the significance of this.

 

Overall, I liked the writing style, was intrigued by the idea, the title and character of the storyteller, but think the structure needs some work.

[Syme]

I liked most of this story, but was let down by the ending.

 

The scene in the beginning was quite vivid and the visions Brion has are intriguing and disorienting (which I'm assuming is the intended effect).

 

What's a bit problematic is that the protagonist doesn't actually do anything except for at the very end and even then that action didn't feel very well motivated.

[Mandamon]

Yep--I had a similar reaction to the others.   I liked the dream descriptions, but there were some holes in the plot, which I think were all covered above. On the ending/lack of action, this seemed like it could be the first chapter to something, but maybe not a short story in itself.

[Guru Coyote]

Apart from agreeing, let me try to add something to the discussion

 

I think what this story needs is two things:

* you need to be more clear about what 'genre' you are telling this tale to... is this horror? If so, then it's no big deal when the protagonist is 'helpless' and just swept along, experinencing terror. If it is not horror... he is far too passive.

* you need to TELL THE TALE. If this storyteller is so great, show us. What did he DO with the images he stole(?) from Brian's mind?

 

The mystery you built at the start pulled me through the tale, but you never answer the central question(s) ...

 

This tale  can be something great if you take it there