May 27 - Syme - An Earnest Young Man (S, L)

[Syme]

I appreciate any comments and critiques, even if it's just a spelling mistake you noticed.

 

I'm especially interested in your thoughts on sensory detail. I'm also very interested in how you liked the romance angle.

[Guru Coyote]

Oh ho. This story hits close to home for me... as I've spent a significant amount of my daily life in Second Life a few years back.

 

The central conflict of the story is well worked out and I find little about the writing I'd criticize. The sensory descriptions work and I think the gap between simulation and reality comes across well.

 

I do have a few issues with the mechanics of the story though It raises a few questions you might want to consider:

* if the conflict between Karl only being 'in reality' and Karen having been able to escape into simulation ever since she wasn't a child anymore.... How did these two ever end up being a couple? I'm not saying that's not possible. The way the story is fold, it seems they have been a couple for some time. So why did this conflict only ever come up now?

 

Then there are small details: it seems she is used to only drinking for food. I'd almost predict that first meal Karl cooked her would very much play havok with her digestion.

 

And then there is the very central issue I have with how this simulation thing works: It seems that 'a simulation' is an isolated thing, one human (normally) with the machine. Whatever happened to networking and shared (social) spaces? The real reason why Second Life and similar virtual workds are so immersive (and addictive) are... wait for it... the people The social interaction.

From your story I get the feeling that anything inside the simulation is a construct of the human's desire created by the machine.

 

Granted, the not-networked aspect gives a very good explanation for the two-person machines... 

 

Putting in the social, shared worlds aspect would make for a very different story. It's much easier to not be jealous of a pure simulation of another 'lover' ... but when this other lover is the avatar of another (real) human...

 

Anyway, I hope my thought help you. And let me repeat: I think the story is good, you just touched a touchy topic for me

[Zajimavy]

I actually really liked the story. I think the sensory details were good. 

 

I felt that he really cared for her (IE he wasn't just a puritan hater of technology). She felt like people I've known that spent what was probably too much time in a virtual world. Lots of justification, unwillingness to let go, always dreaming about it etc.

 

The only complaint I had was I reached the end and was like, where's the rest of it? I kept trying to scroll down. In a good way, I wanted to read more    

I wasn't expecting it to end there, even though everything was wrapped up, no loose ends. I was hoping/expecting that she'd recognize how fake the simulation was and give it up. 

 

It was a great story though, nice job.

[andyk]

I really enjoyed this. It drew me in with a strong opening and kept me interested. There were some great details, like the sticky teeth, that made the sensory stuff work.

 

Like Guru Coyote, I started wondering about one or two practical details, like how immersed people paid their bills, but this never drew me out of the story and my questions were sometimes answered on the next page - like the bill paying thing. I know this isn't about those details, but referencing some of them might help to make it feel more real.

 

I thought that the arguments got the characters across well, were convincing and sometimes thought provoking. I did think they were slightly over stated at times and a bit more direct than they needed to be.

 

The tension I felt came from the inevitably of a tragic ending, not wondering how it would pan out. Except for a brief moment when I thought Karl might get addicted to the machine, I always expected them to break up because she couldn't let go of the simulation. If you wanted there to be doubt over this then you might want to show her almost breaking free. But like I say, the current approach creates its own sort of tension.

 

I really liked the change of tense in principle - it added a sense of immediacy to the simulation scenes. However, in practice the shift between tenses made me very aware of the experience of reading, rather than just feeling the flow of the story. It meant that I thought 'this is clever writing' at the expense of losing some emotion. So it's got pros and cons.

 

Oh, and I totally bought into the romance. It seemed like the best sort of relationship to explore this issue through.

[Syme]

Thank you all for the great critiques. I'm glad you liked it.

 

 

Then there are small details: it seems she is used to only drinking for food. I'd almost predict that first meal Karl cooked her would very much play havok with her digestion.

 

The stuff she's drinking is a full and balanced diet with all the necessary nutrients mixed in, so her digestive system still works normally.

 

And then there is the very central issue I have with how this simulation thing works: It seems that 'a simulation' is an isolated thing, one human (normally) with the machine. Whatever happened to networking and shared (social) spaces? The real reason why Second Life and similar virtual workds are so immersive (and addictive) are... wait for it... the people   The social interaction.

From your story I get the feeling that anything inside the simulation is a construct of the human's desire created by the machine.

 

Granted, the not-networked aspect gives a very good explanation for the two-person machines... 

 

Putting in the social, shared worlds aspect would make for a very different story. It's much easier to not be jealous of a pure simulation of another 'lover' ... but when this other lover is the avatar of another (real) human...

 

The idea behind that is that the technology in the story is advanced enough to simulate human interaction. The idea behind the simulation is that everyone can be God in their own universe, but if you have many gods that doesn't work so well. Karl might certainly agree with you, but Karen would say that simulated interaction with people is better than real interaction.

[Mandamon]

Hmmm...this story didn't really work for me.  The writing was technically good, but see below comments:

 

pg 10: "throw my screen out of the window"
-if you have a sim, wouldn't you have some sort of virtual workplace as well?  For that matter, why would someone need to work?  If there are people who avoid sims, do they also avoid other technology?  This is in the future, but "daily life" is very much similar to todays.  There seem to be some inconsistencies (or something you know that's not explained fully) in this society.

 

The story is successful in that it gets to the feeling of addiction and escapism vs. "the real world," but I don't really believe the characters.  They seem more like archetypes than actual people.  I didn't have an problem with the sensory detail, but I'm with Guru Coyote on the romance angle. I don't know how those two ever got together. They've never even eaten a meal together?  If society is so different that is something normal, you need to do some work to get us used to their set of values.

 

I think the worldbuilding needs some more work to feel real.  The story achieves its end, but I think there could be more to it to create a really good story.  Right now it reads more like a 80's PSA.  I was thinking to myself "Kids, don't do drugs," after reading it.

 

I think the main reason it didn't work was these questions which popped into my head.  There were enough that it was distracting while I was reading.