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27 May - andyk - Land of Black and Red


andyk

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This one's a short story, meant to be steampunk in a Mayan rather than western setting. How coherently and vividly I've portrayed the setting is one of my biggest concerns, but I'd appreciate feedback on all aspects of the story.

 

Looking forward to seeing what you have to say.

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I did enjoy this one! I thought the setting vivid and convincing.

I'm not sure if it is totally Mayan though. The feeling I get for these people is more... close to my own (western) culture. Ichik feels a bit like a Da Vinci in the making... That said, I don't think that is bad! The setting felt very coherent to me... just not neccessarly Mayan.

 

The story as such starts out very well, we get to know everyone and all the stakes early. It's very clear what this is about, and the story does deliver a satisfyling resolution to it.

But :) ... The actual 'tipping point' of the story felt a wee bit... too smooth. Ichik has an idea, set's it in motion, and succeeds. Yes, there is a big personal sacrifice involved, but still. The final plan just... works. Maybe be story would have gotten too long over all, but I felt a wee bit cheated there.

 

There a few small things I noticed in the writing, nothing major:

 

"this region's dozen rebels either starve"
is the 'dozen' here meant literally as a number? Or is he saying 'only a dozen' ... if it's the latter, I think you might want to rephrase it.
 
"Ichik followed the sound of giggling to the foot of the pyramid."
You never mentioned the sound before.. so 'the sound of' feels off. You want to start by saying: "hear giggles..."
 
There were two or three further places where I stumbled slightly, but the fact that I stopped taking notes should tell you I was fully drawn into the story by that point.
 
All in all, great yarn!
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The setting came across quite vividly. Unlike Guru Coyote, I did get a strong Mayan vibe from this. 

The prose was clear and didn't get in the way of the story.

 

I liked the pacing and overall flow of the story. Things keep moving at a nice speed, but  there's still enough time for description, so it never feels rushed.

 

The title has a nice ring to it and fits the story well.

 

I didn't get the ending. What exactly does Ichick gain by this ruse? As far as I understood, Ahmakiq will still cut off the town from water, so their situation hasn't improved. The best guess I can come up with is that news of the rebels attacking has somehow changed his mind, but I can't quite figure out why.

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I thought the setting was interesting, though I kind of wanted a bit more, and in particular little bits of more that would change familiar things just slightly.  My main thinking that way was that the emphasis on Ichik's drawing, mapping, and account-keeping meant that a lot of attention was focused on pen and paper, which without something else going on seem a bit mundane compared to what might be available in a steampunk setting.

 

There is a paragraph where Ahmakiq glares at Ichik that seems to be from Ahmakiq's POV.  I don't recall seeing any other POV switches in the story, so I'm guessing this was an accident.

 

Ahmakiq's casual brutality surprised me for the tone of the beginning of the story, and this theme continued throughout.  If that's what you wanted, bravo, but it was so consistently abrupt and jarring to the rest of the tone that I personally kept getting thrown out of the story when it happened.

 

I thought that perhaps a few more details on Ichik's inspiration near the end would be nice.  Possibly a brief description of what the stolen crystal thingie does.

 

My final thought is that the end is a change in Ichik's desires to wander, and while I saw some hints toward this through the story, it would probably be nice to find a way to establish that up front, so that his change mirrors that in the end.  As it is, the first I could find of this is when Ahmakiq threatens Ichik's job.

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First off, I liked the story.  I got a very Mayan vibe from about the second page.  I was wavering between Egyptian and Mayan, but the mention of jungles and toucans led me to Mayan.

 

The prose is good--nothing really to say about that.

 

I agree with cjhuitt that Ahmakiq's casual violence is a bit much, especially when compared with everyone else.  You did mention a sacraficial altar, but aside from that I got the feeling of sort of basically happy people, faced with difficulties.

 

I was a little confused with Ichik's character.  He likes to draw, he likes to wander, he's evidently good at inventing, but he seems almost an idiot-savant in all other ways.  Being an engineer myself, I know it takes a lot of effort and concentration to get a design right.  Having Ichik dash one off while blundering through a conversation seemed contradictory.

 

I also thought the end was a little sudden and easily tied-up.  Before, Ichik is terrified by staying in one place, in the city, or even in the jungle.  Yet at the end, he's happy to stay with Mahaway.  That part might need some more exploration.

 

Aside from that, I liked the setting and Mayan/Steampunk theme.  I would have liked a little more description of the purpose of the crystals, but then this is a short story.  You got their purpose as a power source across, and the story doesn't really need them to be explained.

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