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20130521 - Guru Coyote - Scales and Feathers


Guru Coyote

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HI RE-ers!

Excited to be posting my first submission, hope I got it all right on the first try.

 

Feathers and Scales is a short story, meant to be a complete story. It might be the first in a series, but should stand on its own just as well.

I entered this story into a challenge elsewhere and got feedback, but I'm looking for fresh eyes and input on its possible strenghts and weaknesses.

 

Sorry if you were expecting / hoping for Figurative Origami, this one is not. The story itself is dear to me, so I'd like to take it to its best.

 

Anyway, thanks for reading and giving feedback. I'm looking forward to reading what you have, also.

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Welcome to Reading Excuses!  I enjoyed the story (I also enjoyed your Figurative Origami, by the way).  Here are some comments:

 

Aaron sometimes imagines what he would see on other's faces.  There are descriptions of other senses--smells, feels, and sounds--but it feels more like you are describing a blind man, rather than the reader feeling through his senses.  Describing what he assumes he would see brings me out of the story.

 

The dialogue is okay, but somewhat stilted.  Case in point:
“He is a rather nice dog, isn’t he? We do not often get dogs who are allowed to ride in the passenger area.”

 

Near the end, it starts to sound like Aaron is a native Spanish speaker speaking English, except you say he doesn't really understand Spanish.  he had much more American speech at the beginning:
"Well, at least that much is the same. Come, Ralph my handsome friend, we will find a way up this volcano yet."
“Ok, we use what we learned. Tap, tap, step.”

 

Not sure about the end.  There's not really a resolution of the story, so I'm not sure what you're getting at.  Aaron found Quetzalcoatl again, but nothing seemed to come of it.  His "vision sight," which appeared for the express purpose of leading him, went away.  Ralph is a companion, but besides that, has no resolution either (and yes, I realize he's a dog, but you've made him into a full character).

 

We're never quite sure what Aaron is looking for.  Why/how was his sight taken?  Is he looking to get it back?  Is he looking for some other favor?  He wouldn't be able to see Quetzalcoatl, so what is he hoping to achieve by climbing the mountain?  Jill is mentioned briefly, but doesn't come into the story.  Was she going to help him?  Who is she?

 

I get the feeling Maria is either some guardian of Quetzalcoatl, or is Quetzalcoatl in disguise, but there's not quite enough information either way.

 

I think if you expand on the pertinent questions, it will give a lot more satisfaction to the reader at the end.  There's almost a conflict here, but not quite.  Look for what you imply at the beginning of the story, and make sure that "promise" is addressed at the end.

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Great comments, Mandamon, thanks!

 

Maria being a mystery is intentional, but all the other open questions will need to be addressed. And yes, I agree reganding the resolution... this is what I am still struggling with the most for this tale: What does Aaron want, and what does he actually get?

 

That's an interesting observation regarding his speech thanks for pointing that out. While at the very end, I intentionally let Aaron use some Spanish to address the cabbie.

 

All in all it seems like this little tale can use some more words in the setup and in the climax phase.

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I've just compared my notes with what Mandamon said, and there's a lot of similar stuff.

 

I liked Aaron, his independence and courage in doing things despite his blindness. But I was never really drawn into his journey. It was mostly a matter of motive - I didn't know why he was going up the volcano except that his vision went that way, and I didn't know why he believed in or was following his vision, never mind doing so without help from other humans. I didn't feel like there was anything really at stake, or know how he felt about stuff along the way.

 

When he started seeing things that were different from the world around him I was intrigued. By that point I expected him to regain his sight, and so this twist came as an interesting surprise. It was a cool touch, and I would have liked to know more about how and why this discrepancy arose.

 

Despite this, I drifted off a bit mentally just after he started seeing things. I think this was because I still didn't feel much tension, either through internal conflict or external danger.

 

I liked that the ending wasn't the obvious 'and then he could see' finale. But I didn't know why Aaron just gave up at that point, or how he felt about it, and so I didn't feel much of anything myself.

 

If you can get inside Aaron's motives and work out the ending I think you'll have a much stronger story.

Edited by andyk
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Thanks, andyk!

There's a theme forming here... it all seems to hinge on Aaron's (unclear) motive.

When I was writing this, brevity was a high goal... but I think the real reason for the weak spots is that, I hate to admit it, I wasn't really clear on what Aaron was really out to achieve. I thinkonce I figure that out, the actual resolution will fall right into place.

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Here we go...

 

First off, I'd like to say that the thing I liked most about your story is the way Aaron is always talking to Ralph. It really emphasized for me how lonely he is (possibly since seeing Queztalcoatl and being blinded?)

 

Now for the things I liked less...

 

I agree with the other about everything they said, mostly concerning the ending, it seemed to just end without any sort of resolution at all.

 

Also, concerning Aaron's motive. He seems to want to find the feathered serpent, but how exactly was he planning on doing that considering his being blind? Did he somehow know he would get this "second vision"? It doesn't seem so, because he seems just as surprised by it as I was (though I'm assuming Maria somehow granted it to him?)

 

Anyway, I think there's great potential for a story here if you take it a bit further in finding out about Maria and Quetzalcoatl- something that might add a little tension and plot if they serve as antagonists to Aaron's goal (which you'll have to decide on..)

 

That's all for now!

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Thanks to you too, Trizee!

 

Aaron's motive definitely needs better definition... as to his *plan* of how to go about finding Quezalcoatl... the intention here is very much to have Aaron be 'driven by a vision.' He does not understand it anymore than anyone would, only that he must return and find the feathered serpent. I'm considering giving him some more detailed dream-imagery... just seeing the serpent in his dreams is hardly something that will drive a man to go on a fools quest.

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The first sentence actually made me laugh, because "petting the dog" is an old Hollywood tradition for characters.

 

My first point will be that I didn't get from the first sentences that the character was actually blind (and I kept wondering why a dog would be allowed inside an airplane). I think you could draw more heavily on senses like smell and touch to convey at once this is not a normal character we're dealing with.

 

There is a bit more spanish being thrown around that I thought necessary. As I don't understand spanish myself, this was a bit disorienting and I was wondering if I wasn't losing important information there. Maybe you wanted the reader to be as disoriented as the character. If it's the case : good job.

 

The decision to throw all his planning away and go up the volcano didn't seem motivated enough to me. At least, he could have hired local assistance instead of going alone.

 

I actually liked the vision part and the fact that the vision makes him see different things than what is there. It was a good source of potential problems for the character.

 

Then we come to the end and I don't really understand what happened (especially at the last sentence). The vision didn't grant him anything (more or less felt like a dream) and he's going back to the hotel - maybe even home. That didn't seem to match what I knew of the character.

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Hi akoebel, thanks for your feedback!

 

The first sentence was very much on purpose "petting the dog" and it seems to have worked well. Everyone seems to like Aaron!

I'm not sure I really want the reader to catch on too early that Aaron is blind, I was trying to balance disorienting the reader with pulling the reader in. Using more of the non-visual senses might be a good road to travel.

 

Yes, the Spanish was very much intended to put the reader in the same pasotion as Aaron. 

 

Seems like the vision part as such worked out, only it lacked direction and (discerable) purpose.

 

This definitely a story I will return to eventually, and put all the feedback to good use.
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