May 13th - akoebel - Shrouds Chapter 5A

[akoebel]

Hi,

 

This is chapter 5, first part from Shrouds, a fantasy mystery.

 

Mahau, god of vengeance was asked to investigate three gods disappearances. In the previous chapter, he uncovered the first body.

Arlon, a mostly dishinherited regional god asked Mahau to prove he didn't have anything to do with the disappearances.

 

In Chapter 5, Mahau and Arlon meet before going to the second crime scene.

 

I hope you'll enjoy it.

[Mandamon]

Comments along the way:

Pg 1: Arlon's palms were covered with sweat and he wiped them on the front of his clothes.

-Do you mean Forys' hands? I didn't see a reason yet for Arlon to be nervous. the POV in the first paragraph is also a little weak, and I wasn't sure whether it was from Forys or Arlon until the second page.

Pg 1: "The priest wrung his hands, which showed how confident he was in Mahau’s early arrival."

-No telling--You already showed it in the same sentence!

Pg 4: "Arlon said. ‘Some humans can actually set shrouds pretty well.’ Behind him, he heard Forys shuffle on his feet.'

-nice tidbit of worldbuilding and wel placed. There needs to be more of this in the first couple chapters about both the Shrouds and the Gods, to give the reader a little more idea about what's going on.

Pg 5: Arlon losing his mind to violent urges felt odd. I gathered he was some sort of lust or sex god; unstable, but not necessarily violent. Seems odd that he would have an urge to kill Mahau, when he denies killing, unless he is actually the killer. From everything else he says and thinks, I didn't think he was the killer.

Pg 7: another reference to regional gods. What is Mahau in comparison?

Pg 13: "‘Is my Lord mad or something?’"

-The "or something" jarred me out of the story. I think it's too modern.

The conversation and characterization is good, at least for Mahau and Neda. Arlon, I think, is a little less well defined, but I can still understand his personality. However, I'm starting to lose the feel for the world. You may need to add in some more description or at least reminders of how everyone looks. I keep forgetting that the gods are larger, and I have no idea how much larger Arlon is than Mahau, and Mahau to Neda. I also didn't remember Arlon being purple. Is his skin that color, like he's got high blood pressure, or do you mean he's actually purple?

Still liking the story and I want to see where it goes. I think on the next edit you should focus a little more on showing the worldbuilding and description. I'm still vague on shapes/sizes of gods, Shroud powers, the gods' culture, and how the world works with gods being physical. How do common people regard them?

Edited May 14, 2013 by Mandamon

[akoebel]

Thanks Mandamon. 

 

I think some of your remarks are coming from our submission process where it's difficult to remember what I submitted a month ago. Arlon for instance is described in chapter 1 as someone - rather large - who likes to dress in purple so much that most people think of him as the purple colossus or purple god. I think you're right anyway and I'll try to add a bit more description (which I tend not to do much since the story in my head is almost completely dialog).

 

Arlon has a violent temper, which I forgot to mention up until now. You're right to assume he's not the killer - he prefers to get physical in his violence and would never use a Shroud to kill a victim.

 

For the partition between gods, there are basically 2 different sorts of gods : the ones responsible for an area ("regionals" like Arlon) and the ones supposed to represent an aspect of life (like war or vengeance like Mahau). I called them 'Attributals' but I'm not too fond of the word. The two need followers to survive, but don't use the same methods to acquire followers. Regionals tend to set up rules to enroll followers as they are born within their territories, while Attributals work to convince people to follow them.